Sleeping with a Gang Memebers Daughter

Ok if you think a girl’s hot but her Dad’s an active senior member of a gang DO NOT MESSAGE HER! I wish this could be the end of the blog and I could say that’s exactly what I did; but as I sit her typing this up I’m nursing two black eyes and a suspected broken nose.

Now to be fair, at the beginning when I began messaging this beautiful 20-something-year-old girl, I had no idea of her gang ties. As we got talking she mentioned her dad was in one of the local gangs. Umm what the fuck do I say to that? Well I say like any dork would, “Oh he must have a sweet motorbike.”

I should’ve left it at that, said have a nice life and fucking RUN but no I continued to flirt with her and eventually organised to meet her.

I drove over to her house to pick her up, I didn’t know she lived with her parents but when I pulled up a Harley was parked in the drive way “Here x” I texted her. “Umm this is awk but dad wants to meet you, can you come say hi xxx?” was her reply. Fuck I thought. I nervously approach the door and am met by this huge mammoth of a man. “Hi there mate, here to pick Ashley up” I stammer, I extend my hand to shake his, he doesn’t shake mine, instead he looks around and says in a deep booming voice “Ashley your boy’s here.”

We go for dinner at a local restaurant which was nice, Ashley seemed pretty straight up, honest and quite frankly fairly rude which was a bit intimidating to me as I’m used to shy girls who open up after a couple of drinks. Not Ashley. She was loud and rude to the waitress. When our dinner turned up she grunted, looked at the waitress and said “about time.”

After dinner I should’ve made an excuse that something had come up and dropped her home but no. Thinking with my other head I invite her back to mine and we shag. The sex was good but definitely not worth what was yet to come.

Knowing pretty much from the get-go that I couldn’t see myself in a relationship with Ashley, the days following that night I completely blanked her, ignoring her messages, not opening her snaps, just being complete dickhead. Well this must’ve really pissed Ashley off because on Monday as I got back from my run I noticed a Harley motorbike parked outside my house. Thinking it might be my petrol head neighbour’s friend I carry on walking up the drive. FUCK! As I get up my drive I see what looks like the grim fucking reaper, it’s Ashley’s dad!

“Ashley tells me you are being a fuck cunt to her” he barks at me as he walks over to me. Before I can even get two words out, he punches me in the guts instantly winding me then punches me in the nose making it explode with blood “You be nice to my baby girl, if I hear you aren’t I will be back for another chat” he says as he walks off.

After profusely apologising to Ashley, she must’ve got wind that her dad didn’t actually just have a word with me as she says sorry and asks if we can be just friends. Well fuck me that is fine with me. One thing I learned from this scary experience is don’t be a dirtbag and blank a chick after you have slept with her, her dad might be a bloody gang member.

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Jelly Wrestling Jail Time

As I stared blankly at this poorly painted wall I looked down at my skinned knuckles wishing I had my phone on me. “I need to remember what happened tonight” I thought. I hadn’t lost my phone or anything; in fact it was in arguably very safe hands, I just couldn’t get to it. I started to look around at my surroundings. One ginger haired guy was asleep next to me and about two metres away another guy was pacing back and fourth like an idiot. Talking to himself emphasising the F words to sound real bad ass. No, I wasn’t at some dodgy Hamilton night spot I was in the Wellington Cells/Jail.

I flew down to Wellington last week for a work conference thing and liking it down there so much I decided to stay another night at the motel. It was O week last week which is a week-long celebration and orientation to welcome university students and help to familiarise themselves with the local surroundings, which has evolved into the night clubs being open every night of the week with different themes each night. After pre loading on drinks at my motel I stumbled into town. I met one of my friends who works in Wellington at Courtenay Place, where the majority of the clubs were going off. Every place was packed with university students and everyone was having a great time. Shots of blue looking liqueur were only $2 at one of the clubs, so I happily exchanged my crisp $20 note for 10 and downed every one of them. By this time my drunken confidence was at an all time high and saw that the club I was in was having a jelly wrestling tournament. I chucked my name down and waited for my turn. The event was in the middle of the club which consisted of an oversized kids paddling pool filled with lubrication gel. The rules were simple; two people got into the paddling pool and the winner is either the one left standing or the one that lands on top of the opponent. “Heat 8 Sean and Connor come on down” the dj called out. I was pitted against this person that looked liked a fucking carrot. He had the brightest, most ginger hair I had ever seen and he was muscly as! “Fuck i’m going to lose” I thought to myself. As we squared off he began hurling some verbal abuse at me, looking around I saw all of his gym boyfriends egging him on. Suddenly he slapped me really hard in the face. The ref was some hot girl who was pretty much there for decoration, she told him no slapping. Not one to be out done I wound my right arm up and slapped the shit out of him which made him slip and stumble over. I had won but it wasn’t over, he tackled me and began laying in punches yelling at me that I had punched him (it was a slap!) I fought back a bit until it was broken up. My knuckles were bleeding which still confuses me as to how that happened. As all of this was unfolding two police officers were doing a walk through the club and witnessed the incident. Grabbing us both they took us outside into an awaiting paddy wagon to a chorus of boos from all the other party goers. We both were still topless and drenched in lube FML.

When we got to the police station the police officers couldn’t stop cracking jokes at us about how silly two topless guys covered in lube looked. In hinds sight we must have but these young cops were acting like massive douches. We both got warnings and had to stay in the cells for awhile which turned out to be three hours. I asked Connor why he started a fight and he thought I had punched him. I told him I had just slapped him back, he apologised, I accepted and we were all good.

We got out of there at about 3am, we got our phones back and got given t-shirts out of the lost property to wear. Connors friends had gone home to Lower Hutt, I suggested we go to the strip club and he happily agreed. We stayed there until 5am, then I stumbled back to my motel alone. If it wasn’t for spending time in the cells that night was shaping up to be awesome, oh well there is always next time!

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Shes Got A BF

Its Saturday 18/10/2014. I’m heading to Hamilton to visit my rugby mates having a party and then were hitting the clubs. After a week of sunshine the heavens decide to open up and put a slight damper on the occasion. I get to my mates, before I can get out of the car I am being offered a beer. We start drinking at 2pm, its nice being back hanging out with the boys chatting the usual crap about girls and rugby. By 7pm the drinking games had started. ‘The circle of death’ was the name of the game also commonly known as ‘4 kings’. The game is pretty simple, an empty cup is placed in the middle of a circle of playing cards placed face down. The last king card to be revealed means the player must skull whatever has been poured in the cup. Each other card has a rule that is predetermined before the game starts. One of the cards this time was a dare card, so of course I get dared to do something stupid. My mate Ropata decided to dare me to strip naked and knock on the next door neighbour’s house and ask if they were looking for a good time. GREAT! Not one to back down from a dare I go to the toilet touching my dick to make it look half respectable. BOOM got a semi hard on going. I walk back down to the garage; my mates are laughing their heads off. I step out on the pavement looking over to the next door neighbour’s house. My heart starts racing, I hope these neighbours are hot girls! Feeling like a complete creep I walk over to the house. I look back and all my mates are out of the garage looking at what was about to happen. I knocked, I could hear some footsteps, and here we go I thought. The door opens and a middle aged Indian man is standing there. SHIT! I thought not hot girls. “Are you looking for a good time big boy” I shout at this bewildered man, shaking my bum so everything was jiggling down there. “Get the bloody hell out of here” he screams in his strong Indian accent. I take off back to the garage where everybody is in tears of laughter.

We continue playing this game till it’s time to get ready for town. As we get to town it’s hard not to notice all the new clubs and pubs. It seems every year here in Hamilton at least half a dozen places change their names for one reason or another. We head straight to Agenda wanting to have a dance. The place is pumping with girls hardly wearing anything and guys perving from every direction.  We stay here until about 2am then heading to The Outback. We hit the dance floor where I start dancing with this extremely hot blondie. We starting getting pretty into it, I starting touching her bum and we started kissing when suddenly I get turned about and SMACK, I get decked.  “That’s my fucking girlfriend” a huge looking guy shouts down at me. I’m still on the ground when he starts to kick me. Luckily by this stage my mates have seen what has happened and push him off me, giving me enough time to get up. Pushing them out of the way I punch him as hard as I can in the head, his nose literally explodes like a pimple with blood gushing out everywhere! My mates grab me yelling “we got to go, bouncers are coming”, we head out the side door where luckily a taxi is waiting. I dive right in and we head home still slightly shaken up with what had just transpire. I feel sad for the dude whose girlfriend blatantly couldn’t care less about him. Moral of this story for me is, if she looks really hot ask if she has a boyfriend…and if she does, is he here!