Wrong Time To Fart

Wow, what a weird weekend it was. As I sit in the laundry mat today waiting for my sheets to wash. I continue to get texts from the girl I took home on Saturday apologising for what transpired that night. Wasn’t that much of a big deal to me but at the same time it was pretty funny so I thought I would share.

It’s the long weekend here in New Zealand and the weather is mint. My flatmates are away and my Hamilton crew are coming over. The first Corona is popped at 2pm and the Mexican beer continues to flow into the late evening. We play the four kings drinking game like usual and I finally get my revenge on my mate who made me knock on his neighbour’s door naked last weekend. I get the dare card, I have already decided what to dare my mate to do which is to shave one of his eyebrows off. He reluctantly agrees, this makes my job that much easier tonight in the clubs as he is usually my biggest competition but with now only one eyebrow his chances to pull have dramatically decreased.

We get to the clubs around 11pm going straight to the Bahama Hut which is sadly the only place that is really any good anymore here in Tauranga, even though 60% of the place is usually packed with spotty teenage boys that have just turned 18. After sifting through all the pus bucket males I find a group of attractive girls dancing in the corner. I tap my one eye browed mate on the shoulder and we walk-dance over to them. Not having to say anything the hotter girl of the group grabs my tattooed arm “oh my god I love your tattoos” she shouts over the music. I undo my collared shirt to show her my art on my chest. She loves it, I ask her for a dance and we continue dancing and drinking till the end of the night.

Against all odds Mr One Eye brow has pulled one of the group as well. They agree to come home with us to continue the party. We jump in the spa when we get home continuing to drink and finally I kiss my one, she loves it. With a few of the other boys in the spa it was a bit crowded so I convinced her we should get out because I was “getting tired”.

As we got into my room she threw me on the bed. Things heated up quickly, she proceeded to go down on me. She was so great at what she was doing down there. I started relaxing every muscle in my body enjoying what was happening which made me fart underneath the covers. I have those heavy winter sheets on my bed and she was trapped! She wriggled and wriggled trying to get out but the stench got to her and she ended up throwing up on my floor, sheets and clothes. She made such a loud noise that it attracted all the attention from my mates whom had gotten out of the spa at this stage. Bursting into my room they immediately asked if everything was ok, before I could say anything she said “he farted, I couldn’t get out and I spewed everywhere, I’m so sorry”. I’m not sure why she was sorry as it was my ass that did the damage. After a quick clean-up we went back to bed to sleep. What a weird way to finish a great night. In the morning we finally had sex which was great.  I took her home, she kept apologizing for spewing everywhere but I told her it wouldn’t have happened if I hadn’t dropped a bomb in bed.

Well that’s all from my weekend escapades, have a great week and remember – Play hard, shag harder!

P.s Join the following Buy a T-shirt 🙂 http://www.prowrestlingtees.com/related/tatooed-opinion-1/tattooed-for-love.html

Tattooed Tips

My Guide to Tattoos

I only thought I was going to get one or two tattoos’ when I was younger. 10 years later I have one on my penis! For a first tattoo you want to start off small for the main reason being that you might not like the pain. For my first I got an Irish clover on my right arm. A tip for getting a tattoo DO NOT DRINK THE NIGHT BEFORE, I bled so much during my first tattoo and nearly passed out, it almost put me off getting another one. . almost.299

Always make sure you defiantly want what you are getting tattooed. I have the PlayStation symbols on my knuckles! Do I regret this? Shit yes! I play Xbox but I got convinced by the tattooist to get the PlayStation symbols. Which brings me to my next tip, don’t let your tattooist squash your idea – they are there to help and offer their opinion, not to completely knock your idea of what you want because at the end of the day it’s your skin not theirs.

223805_279911465451314_717625694_nIf you’re getting a quote or name make sure it is spelt correctly. My mate got a massive one on his chest saying ‘Live Fast Die Hard’, the tattooist for some reason tried to get all fancy with the V in live and it now looks like ‘Libe Fast Die Hard’, totally retarded.

Don’t get a fashion tattoo! Remember those tribal tattoo’s that where barely cool in the 90’s?? Well come 15 years later they are shite! They looked only acceptable on wrestling back then. Lately the new “in” tattoo is the feather with birds exploding out of it or something similar to the same effect, just don’t become a sheep get something that shows your individuality.

Last piece of advice is don’t be a tight arse with your money.tattoo-bad-vs-good A fifty dollar tattoo will get a fifty dollar job. Look around for a tattooist with a style that you like. Stalk their Facebook page if they have one and see if you like their designs. If you come to Tauranga look up Bray Revolver, he is by far the best tattooist I have seen in a long long time. His black and white pieces are amazing. If you’re in Hamilton, hit up Flax Roots tattoos, an artist called Ali Selliman is fantastic with cartoons and animals. He did my grenade on my hand and I love it.

Anyway there are a few tips on getting a tattoo if you are getting one show me on twitter @mullied I would love to see what you get!