Live Tweeting at a Swingers Party

Sometimes going to something the second time never lives up to what it was like the first time. But suck me sideways, this second time at a swingers party was amazeballs!
I got permission to live tweet the event as last time I shagged the hosts; I didn’t even know they were until we got invited to a private Facebook group to set this party up. The only conditions people had were no photos and no names on the tweets which was fine by me.

When we got to the party there was no sign of the dude who had the pineapple rings around his penis – which sucked as he was pretty funny. It was almost a completely different set of people apart from the hosts and one other couple. 

After chatting for a while, every second person was a business owner from around the local area obviously looking for a bit of fun away from the stresses of work.

Two pretty extroverted couples announced they are going into the bedroom and people were free to come watch. You don’t have to tell me fucking twice or my partner in crime for that fact. These couples weren’t shy either, dicks, fannies, tits and balls were on show for everybody to see. The couples started sucking their partners then changed over. The guys followed suit then oral, one of the girl’s bushes looked straight out of the 70’s, hairy as fuck. I felt sorry for the dudes that had to eat that, a little care trim goes a long way. 

The guys began shagging these two woman missionary, then swapping over, then the girls wanted a go on top. One of the woman told me to grab her tits, this is awesome I thought! Not long both guys’ corks blew and it was back to the party we went. 

We started chatting to a younger couple who seemed pretty cool, girl was blonde about 5’1′ and looked about 25. The bloke was in his early thirties from what I could tell. They were newly married but had an open relationship from the get go as they both liked sharing each other. 

They invited us to go down to a room, my date was a little reluctant because the guy thought he was hot shit, but she knew I wanted to shag his mrs so off we went. Now you know when some people like heaps of sauce of their fries/chips? Well these motherfuckers were the same when it pertained to lube. Fuck me they used what felt like half a bottle on my date and me. It was the slipperiest fuck ever, so slippery I went to do doggy style with the dude’s mrs and my dick slid right into her arse. “Ughhhhhhh” she yelped, “wrong hole! wrong hole!” 

Apart from the overuse of the lube the sex was amazing, the woman was amazing on top and even twerked – fucking awesome! We left the party not long after that still smelling like strawberry fucking lube!

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2017 Year Of The Backpacker

Apologies in advance if there are a lot of spelling errors, my proof reading is being a useless shit and gone on holiday. So this is an unfiltered, unedited blog, enjoy!

If there was a book for single female tourists coming to New Zealand after this summer I feel like there should be a section on me. Right next to the night life activities there should be a photo of my tattooed penis. The amount of backpackers I’ve wined, dined and obviously shagged is bloody staggering. The main culprits are the German backpackers, aside from Asian tourists I would say Germans tourists come to New Zealand in their droves. But why? are they big Lord Of The Rings/Hobbit fan boys? Well unfortunately I don’t have the bloody answer because they can’t speak sweet fuck all English. But I guess they don’t make me wear a Gollum mask or tell me to “fuck me hobbit man” so I guess we can rule the fan boy theory possibly.

Come to think of it I should actually start my own tour guide business as the amount of times I have taken backpackers on hikes up Mount Maunganui is fucking staggering. I have to pretend I actually enjoy it too, like “wow such a nice view, I haven’t been up here in ages’ total bullshit.

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This last week I had been chatting up this chick from the Czech Republic. To make me one step a head of all the other horny Kiwi dudes on tinder I actually study the country and learn a few simple words. A bit of bloody research before meeting a European beauty can go along way. I do this to all the foreign hotties I meet and they fucking love it! It’s almost a sign of respect in their eyes that someone has taken the time to actually show an interest in where they come from and doesn’t just wanna get in their pants. Just such a gentleman is I 😉😉😉😜

Now this Czech girl oh my god what a stunner and was as honest as the day is long (most European are to be honest) After we played the age old tradition of hide the sausage, she rolled off me and before I could pretend and say “wow that was great” she said “well that was pretty average!” Bloody hell I thought, I was kinda thinking that but dam I would never say it. But don’t worry we ended up doing it again and I got her moaning saying she loves it whilst I spelt the alphabet out with my tongue on her vag. Good Times Good Times!

BTW if you don’t already chuck us a like on Facebook, trying to get that off the ground again and also instagram. Chur

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yearoftheb

 

Getting my Asian Wings

For us guys there are different types of achievements called getting your wings, as it pertains to having sex an different acts, I will rattle off a few I can think of.

  • Brown Wings  – Anal Sex
  • V wings – Sleeping with a chick that’s a virgin
  • Red Wings – Sex while a girl is on her period
  • Vintage wins – When the chick is 20 years older
  • Flight Commander Wings – having a threesome
  • Squadron Commander Wings – 4 or more people involved in sex
  • Blue or Water wings – Sex in water
  • Asian wings – having sex with someone from an Asian Country

Two years ago I embarked on my mission to get my Asian Wings, looking back on it now I should have just gone to Auckland and got a cheap Asian prostitute but I guess hind sight is a marvellous thing!

Me and the boys decided to head out one night and instead of going to our normal drinking hole I convinced them to go to the CBD club as I knew there was a large contingent of Asians at this club. As we headed in I noticed a couple of potential girls on the dance floor. I approached them using the standard “How’s your night going?” opener. This always worked well for me. They responded with the typical “good thanks”. I chatted a bit with them, asking them how they like the place, etc. You might say I was having a typical nice-guy conversation. After a few minutes I left them so as not to be a weirdo and went back to my mates and chilled for a bit. I returned to them once more a while later and they were just about ready to leave. I decided hit on the taller one, the more attractive of the two girls. She was a pretty and petite asian girl. I got her name and number and wrote it on a piece of paper. Her name was Shino. I started texting her as soon as she left. She was much better at texting in English then she was at speaking it. She told me that we should meet up sometime. I asked her what was wrong with meeting tonight. It was still early, she agreed an texted me her address. She lived at the dorms at the Waikato University so she told me to text her when I was down stairs so she could let me in.

It was about 11.30pm by the time I got there, I texted her an she came down. We cuddled on her couch for a while. I proceeded to get her hot and bothered on the couch with my spirit fingers. I figured there was a possibility it could go all the way and the signs were looking good so far. I continued getting her worked up, rubbing her all over and kissing her neck. I got her bra off, thinking I was in with a grin. All of a sudden she said, “Please, no more clothes off”. I stopped there, sensing that I had gotten as far as I could. It was getting late, feeling defeated I decided to leave.

About a week later we set up another meet. This time she came over to my place. We watched a movie and snuggled on the couch. Afterwards we made out and got semi-naked. She said something about it being ok now. She took her panties off. I put on a condom and we had sex. It was a little awkward at first but it got better as I got more familiar with her body. I get asked if Asians are tight by my mates, and yes I can confirm she was extremely tight. The worst thing about having sex with her was she screamed as if I was murdering her! Seriously I had to always stop and ask her if she was ok. I would always get the reply “so good yes yes”. We met a few more times and the sex got pretty good. She was okay with it being a fling. She kept it a secret from her family, saying at one point “If my mother or father found out they would kill me!” As the school term ended so did our time together, as expected. I was a bit sad to see her go. I got the impression I could have easily become her boyfriend if I wanted. But it wasn’t my thing being the Casanova of Hamilton and all 😛 or the wannabe anyway.

 

Cougars and Chlamydia

It’s Hamilton’s 150 year birthday today. Break out the RTD’s, dust off your skimpiest dress and head down to The Outback Inn night club! Seriously when I think of Hamilton I think of three words; clubs, chlamydia and cougars. Hamilton is infamous for being known as the chlamydia capital of New Zealand. I thought this was just a tongue and cheek joke that people like to give hamiltonians shit about. That was until I got the bloody infection myself!

I lived in Hamilon for 6 years. Moving over from the Bay Of Plenty to support my then girlfriend financially while she attended uni. I started playing league for College Old Boys. We were a young social team that loved having a beer. I started playing second row which was a good position for me as I loved tackling, and we starting winning most of our matches. Not long into the footy season my girlfriend and I broke up. I stayed in Hamilton and began playing hard and partying harder.

If you haven’t been night clubbing in Hamilton I recommend it. In my opinion it is better than Tauranga, Taupo, Wellington and even Auckland. Main reason being that the clubs are all together in two streets (Hood & Elizabeth) and there is so much selection of where to drink. Here is a quick list of clubs and what they are about:

  • The Outback Inn – The just turned 18 year old kid night club, always packed though and pumps.
  • Bar 101 – Just like the Outback although they have a no tattoo policy which I feel discriminates against a lot of people.
  • Diggers – AKA Cougar Town!! If you want some elder company try your luck here, wear protection!
  • The House Bar – I Love The House!! Always have a great time with a great band there.
  • Coyotes – “The Maori Club” I go here every time to catch up with all the boys. Another great club with great hip hop.

One night us rugby boys decided to go on a pub crawl. A pub crawl being that we go to every club and have one drink. It started off as a fun game, we got all the little shitty pubs out of the way to start with. By the time we got to the good clubs we were off off our faces. We went into Diggers were the cougars pray. Now by this stage I was totally gone swaying side to side. A cougar whom name I can’t remember nor want to, started dancing with me and before I could say ‘Hi my name is Sean’ her tongue was searching for my adams apple. I went home with her and her friend and everything else from there on is a blur. I remember waking up next to her and her friend in her bed I grabbed my belongs and got out of there. I noticed my condom had not been used as it was still in my pocket. I got a sex check that Monday which featured a hot doctor putting a cotton bid down my pee hole, fucking atrocious. The next four days seemed the longest of my life praying that the results would come back clean. No such luck. I got the dreaded text “please call to discuss your results.” I had become another victim of the cymadia capital. Luckily with a strong dose of antibiotics I got cleared up. Morale of this story is if you are single and hammered AVOID Diggers!! Those cougars will get you!!!!