One Night In Austria

Now if you thought the last bloody was too PG this one is definitely going to be NSFW because the night, I Spent in Austria was fucking mental! We left Germany on the bus at the terribly early time of 7.30am. My head felt like it had been skull fucked by a cactus, but my other head was pretty satisfied with last night’s events minus the intense itching JK. We were greeted in Hopfgarten by staff a Contiki owned Hostel, they were stoked to see us and informed us that they were putting on a party for at the hostel bar.

We started drinking pretty much as soon as we got there, I went down to do laundry but every dog and their fucking owner was there, so I thought fuck it and joined the crew in one of our rooms. We had some weed left from Amsterdam, so we smoked that, then one of the girls had brought some legal mock cocaine so we had that too, note to self don’t do synthetic shit again.

When I got down to the bar at 6pm I was bloody legless but the drinks were cheap, so I kept on going hard. Another Contiki group was there as well- If I wasn’t so drunk, I could’ve lined up a pretty juicy threesome apparently, but it was not to be as I lost them in my drunken haze or they steered clear of me, probably the later.

Now this part was I was sworn to secrecy as I could get someone fired so if you’re reading this keep it quiet, yeah?

So, I started chatting to one of the Contiki staff that worked there who so happened to be from New Zealand. As the party ragged on towards the early hours of the morning, we snuck back into the Contiki Staff quarters. We started shagging in her room, from what I remember it was great, I spelt the alphabet out with my tongue and then jumped on top and did my best impression of a drowning rat. Thrusting every part of my body around trying to impress this fellow kiwi. The next thing I remember is dreaming as if I was swimming at the local pools back home, what a great dream, a nice warm pool… I awoke to the realisation I defiantly was not at the local pools; I was in a pool of my own bloody piss. “oh fuck” I yelp as I start realising what had just happened, I turn over to see if the girl was also enjoying my pool party but no there was no sign of her. I quickly grab my urine-soaked clothes just in case she was coming back with a fucking axe and waddled my fat arse back to my room.

As I began the trip back to my room I couldn’t get out of the staff quarters, every fucking door was locked. I pulled and pulled on one door with all my might, my little willy n balls flopping around everywhere. “DUDE WTF?!” a fellow naked guy gasps as I fling the door open. Whoops thats a broom closet and thats a guy getting his dick wanked 😳. I try a few other doors stumbling into a room of used mattresses (Probably where the piss covered mattress will end up). Fuck me this place is locked up tighter than my arsehole, finally when all hope seemed lost I see a ausfahrt (exit) sign and navigate my naked self back to my room.

Thank god we were only staying there for a night! The next day we jump on the bus with everyone looking pretty worse for wear and take off for Italy 🇮🇹

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One Night In Amsterdam

“thank you everyone for an awesome trip” that was my tour manager saying his final speech to us. It suddenly sunk in that I properly wouldn’t see a lot of these people ever again. While to be honest I am/was pretty happy to see the back of a number of these people there were a number that I got on with so well. Now lets back track and start at the beginning…

“European Discovery over to Matt” shouted one of the hot contiki staff. As i walked over my aniexty took over, I felt like saying fuck this trip i’m off home. But I walked my arse to the assembly area. I began scouting the talent for my trip, “hmmmm” i began to think “there is definitely a few options to pursue here.”

The contiki trip started, I made friends pretty easy, linking up with Kiwi’s one city over from where I live and also a tattooed canadian dude whom I clicked with instantly. First night was Amsterdam, all I can say bout Amsterdam is ‘fuck me I’m moving to Amsterdam’. How good is that?! Coffee shops with weed, strong weed, chillax weed, weed lolliops, weed brownies, weed ice cream and weed lubricant if ya little fella is missing out!

Now knowing me weed isn’t obviously the number one thing Amsterdam does well imo insert creepy smirking emoji here. The Red Light District! wow just WOW. Walking down the street in the district I began to notice that these beautiful women in the windows were sexy as fuck. My pre misconception was that they would be hideous. Well I’m here to tell you they were lush dot bloody com! One of the american dudes on our trip went into one and two minutes later he was done.. talk about a bloody quickie!

Now my favourite part on my night in Amsterdam was the live sex show! A group of us paid sixty euros each and that got us into this old dingy theatre. On the stage wasn’t a fucking Phantom of the Opera play no no no it was a new play called Dick in Vagina!!!!! The first act was a couple shagging on a rotating bed. starting off like a porno with foreplay and then finishing with ol mate giving her the jackhammer. We then enjoyed several other acts that included a lesbian act, another couple and then the infamous banana act🍌

Ok so what happened here was the girl picks three dudes from the audience. I couldn’t put my hand up any bloody higher but alas they pick three other lucky fuckers. So once on stage, the said girl chucks the banana slightly inside her and then peels the banana. The first guy got the first bite, he got up looking happy. The next guy got the next bite looking even more happy. Then came the third guy, there wasn’t much banana left so he had to go right in there. Once he manage to get a bit of the banana the girl whipped her legs around him and pushed his head into her vagina. Ol mate got up with both hands in the air and yelled “i’m the king of the world” yes you are you lucky bugger.

Well that was my first night in europe and lets just say I get up to a helluva lot of more mischief. More blogs to come!

Liverpool Kiss

Well my trip to the UK and Ireland is over! Unfortunately my mobile provider’s data roaming service costs a bloody arm and a leg so there were no live date tweets. But not to worry, I have a whole arsenal of stories to unleash on you in the coming weeks! The first one is called the Liverpool Kiss and without further ado, let’s get into it.
 
After driving from London to Liverpool our tour group checked into the motel and began drinking. We got taken to the Cavern Club which is a huge bar underground where The Beatles used to play. Most of us felt out of our element there as even though the live music was great, if you looked around the dance floor it looked like we had gate-crashed a fucking 70th birthday party with old fuckers jiggling their loose skin all around us. 
 
After rounding up the troops we headed off in search of a club, we got conned into one club in the promise of a free shot which turned out to be some shitty lolly water. Now to say we got drunk would be an understatement, we got fucked up beyond fucked up. Shot after shot, drink after drink, so much liquid I started growing fucking fins. 
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I went outside to get some air as it was hot as a hooker’s undies in there. I started having a conversation with an older women who was part of a hens night. I was giving her heaps about her Liverpool accent which was hard to understand. Her banter was good and she loved my accent, now usually this would end in me inviting her back to my place right?
 
Yes right but this is England not New Zealand, she then tells me “you should meet my daughter” and proceeds to pull her 18 year-old daughter out of the night club to meet me. She is smoking hot and we hit it off too. We go back in the club and I dirty dance with both the mum and daughter, a Liverpool club sandwich, they both even kiss me on the cheek. 
 
Come 3am my tour group started telling me they were going to head back, her mum overheard and urged her daughter to go back with me!! “Go on, have a good time, he’s a handsome guy” she told her daughter. Well fuck me, I wasn’t complaining, I was in a wee bit of shock to be honest in my drunken state, this would never happen back home I thought.
 
We went back to mine where I had somehow scored my own room that night and I gave her the best two minutes of her bloody life. Whipping all my best moves out, missionary followed by missionary topped off with a sprinkle of missionary. After that it’s probably safe to say she would’ve blamed her mum for convincing her to go back to a bloody disappointment haha.
 
Next up Scotland!