Merry Christmas and a happy new year!! here is some of the most terrible, most shocking most filthiest bits that made up my 2016. If you enjoy this I might even recap 2015 and 2014… let me know….. Enjoy!!!
31.01.2016 Brothel Date Recap
As I got out of the shower I strolled out to find her sprawled out on the bed, she put a condom on me then told me which positions she would do – which was fucking limited “you on top, me on top” she informed me, not even doggy style!?!
I decided to go on top, which started off ok until she decided to make fake moaning noises. So bad that even a low budget porn director would tell her to fucking stop! Now add in some terrible and I mean TERRIBLE dirty talk, shit like “oh you’re a big boy” and “wow this is so good” and now you have the worst 30 minutes of my life. It was so bad that I even fake came just to get this shit over and done with. As I pulled my penis out I gave it a quick sniff and it smelt like 3 day old KFC that had been left in a hot car.
18.02.2016 My Gypsy Valentines Date Recap
She told me to clear my schedule because she was going to cum, I bloody hope so! She brought a candle over and poured the hot wax on me, which kinda fucking hurt but at the same time turned me on so much. She then made me pour it on her…bad idea. She had a wee bit of fluff down there and instead of pouring it on her stomach I accidently poured it on the top of her vagina “ahhhhhhhhhhh” she screamed, that was the end of the candle foreplay.
27.02.2016 Blonde Canadian Date Recap
As I walk into the bathroom she is waiting/pretending to check her makeup just in case I was someone else, we go into the toilet locking the door. We kiss for a bit then she sits on the loo and begins to give me a Canadian blow job minus the maple syrup. During the bj I look down and notice the entire floor we are standing on is covered in piss which my jeans that were around my feet are soaking up, fuck sake. Too busy to do anything about it I continue to enjoy the oral I was receiving,. She finishes sucking on my Bonita banana and takes her undies off, she then bends over putting her hands on the dirty toilet and tells me to put it in, you don’t have to tell me twice.
I start thrusting back and forth, my feet splashing about in the urine puddle and then it happens, we both hear the door to the bathroom open. We both freeze as we hear footsteps sounding as if they were coming right for us, shit we are getting kicked out I thought. Luckily it wasn’t one of the staff coming to see what the hell we were doing it was just some female going into the toilet next to us. We continue to fuck as quietly as we can, we hear her pee stream begin, thinking that she is just peeing we shag on .Then the unthinkable happens – I hear a fart and then splash, SHES DOING A FUCKING POO!!!!! The Canadian doesn’t even give a fuck. She looks back at me as I’m standing there grossed out, “keep going” she whispers. Another fucking splash, but we keep going.Then the fucking stench begins to wofffle over, fuck sake. I pull my shirt over my nose as I try hard to cum so I can bail out of here, but my pre date wank is making it difficult. Another loud fart and a huge splash ensues, come on mully I think to myself we have to get the fuck out of here as the stench grows stronger. I finally cum as the lady beside us is grabbing for the toilet paper to wipe her arse after the massacre she has left in the toilet.
22.03.2016 Vajazzled: The St Paddies Day Blog
We somehow got on the subject of vagazzle which if you chuck that odd sounding slang word into google (which I should of done) it comes up with this – ‘adorn the pubic area (of a woman) with crystals, glitter, or other decoration’.
We head back to the backpackers and start the foreplay, I go down on her and in my drunken state I’m like a dog licking up water on a hot day, my tongue going fucking everywhere. I end up having a mouthful of vajazzle beads which for the next day and a bit I’m still finding them wedged between my teeth.
08.04.2016 Dominatrix Date Recap
She served me up a drink in a metal cup and forced me to drink it. It tasted strong like a mix between jagermeister, absinthe and pineapple juice, what ever it was made me feel pretty numb. After polishing off the cup she snatched it off me “break times over, now get on all fours on the bed” she said pointing to the bed. So here I was balls dangling freely, hairy arse open for the world to see. After about 5 minutes she comes back in but she’s not alone – she has a big BLACK STRAP ON connected to her costume.
“OH FUCK THAT” I said breaking character
“Silence! This is happening, slowly but surely you are getting this” she said.
I started thinking what the fuck am I doing, what the fuck am I doing?! I feel a cold sensation on my bum; I turn around and she is bathing me in anus relaxant lube!
23.05.2016 Mully Dates International Ed – Sydney Pt.1
We end up having sex and the sheep shagger comment is still annoying me, so I flipped her around in doggy style and showed her what a sheep shagger could do with a tablet of viagra in him. She fucking loved it, so without thinking I grabbed her tits and whispered in her ear “I drive a holden” she started thrashing about “you bastard!”.
27.05.2016 Mully Dates International Ed – Sydney Pt.2
Things go down hill pretty fast though as the larger friend of her group decides to pull her away from me and tells her its time to call it a night. Everyone else in the group seemed to be having a great time but fucking chunkimus prime decided to shut the fucking fun down and go home.
23.06.2016 Pokémon Go Date
Well it’s safe to say she rode me like Horsea, her Jigglypuffs looked amazing. As she played with my Pokeballs I could feel myself about to Squirlte but managed not to. It wasn’t long though until I learned ‘Water Gun’ and splashed it everywhere. As I left her place I thanked her for giving me a Cubone but told her she was just another Magicarp…I was looking for a Gyarados!
28.08.2016 From Crab Tree to Vag Pee
So he starts going to town eating this girl as if she was a 2am bloody kebab, she begins to get wetter and wetter and louder and louder. All of a sudden she lets out a huge moan and boom she cums/pees right down his throat. I awake from my coma to the sound of Darren yakking his guts up, I wander into the toilet and see him fast down in the bowl, “you alright D man?” I ask, no reply, I then wander into her room and I can smell urine. “What happened to Darren?” I ask the girl. “I was cumming” she said in a sad voice “but my bladder was full and I ended up peeing.” EWW WHAT THE FUCK!?!?
26.09.2016 Ex Girlfriends Sister Date Recap
We started shotting a tray of tequila shots, which after the fourth one made me vomit in my mouth a little. I kept giving her shit saying “your sister is way wilder” and then she looked me in the eye with a naughty grin “I bet she never did this.” She then went under the table we were sitting at and started undoing my pants. My eyes started darting around the room to see if anyone in the packed bar was watching, luckily no one was.
08.10.2016 Mully vs. Australian Rugby Girls
Once we got back to their room, they threw me onto the bed and begun getting unchanged. What happened next was a fucked up mixture between sex and a game of footy.
So yes, you guessed it, I jumped at the chance. With a roll of toilet paper in my hand and my pants around my feet ol’ Mully cranked one out in the private lap dance room to some classic Jenna Jameson Loves Brianna Banks early 2000’s porn. This was some bloody weird shit, It was as if I was at the semen clinic trying to rub one out. After about 10 minutes I popped my top, wiped myself off and bid the stripper owner goodnight.
Back in the day as a naive eighteen-year-old, going to a brothel seemed like a scary idea when my mate brought it up. Fast forward nearly ten years later the idea of visiting a brothel seems as normal as buying a loaf of bread. Yes, I have been to brothels numerous times and I will most probably stumble into one again. Looking back on my first time at one my two mates had the time of their lives. We had saved all our money working part time jobs while going to school and come the end of the year we were off to Sydney Australia for a boy’s holiday. We headed out on our first night in Australia to Kings Cross, a notorious part of Sydney made famous on the television show ‘Underbelly’. We went night clubbing in a club called ‘Candy’s Apartment’, it was pumping. Hanz was the first to hook up with someone followed closely by me. Tim was far too drunk; he had continued drinking all his duty free spirits after we had got off the plane. We ended up in Porky’s Nite Spot. Porky’s is part of the seedy side of Kings Cross and is famous for being one of those classic sleazy neon-lit strip clubs where bouncers were constantly throwing horny punters out for being too rough with the dancers. We sat in complete shock, there were boobs everywhere. Being young we got hustled for our money pretty good by the strippers. Tim went all out tipping them, getting a private lap dance. He was completely in his element. Eventually we all got so worked up we had no choice but to go visit the local brothel. I couldn’t bring myself to pay for sex so I stayed in the waiting room (these days I would be getting amongst it!!). Tim and Hanz wanted the same girl so they decided to pay a bit extra to have a threesome with her, which is something that doesn’t seem to be allowed at brothels I have visited here in New Zealand. I waited for half an hour for them to finally reappear, Tim smiling from ear to ear and Hanz couldn’t stop laughing. I asked him what was so funny and he told me after he was done Tim went down on the prostitute! I don’t go down on one nighters let alone prostitutes! To make this even more funny they were the last two clients of her busy shift. Poor old Tim had licked a snatch that had been entered by least a dozen guys in the past couple of hours and by our mate Hanz just before him! Safe to say when Tim realized this afterwards he suddenly become very, very sick.
Over the next nearly ten years since that time I have visited numerous brothels. Buying rugby boys a blow job from Hamilton’s Calendar Girls for their 21st birthdays became a normal thing. I knew the owner pretty well and he would shout me a few beers while I waited for the lad to get his cream donut. One time while being in Hawkes Bay after not scoring a girl in Havlock North, I decided to wander into a brothel in Hastings. If you know Hastings you would know that this was a big fucking mistake already. The only girl working was a 50 something year old fat bean bag. After wheeling and dealing I managed to get her down to $40 for twenty minutes. After making me shower I come out to this fucking walrus sprawled on the bed “how do you want me big boy” she said attempting to put on a sexy voice. “ummmmm I like doggystyle” I said. She put a condom on me with her month, an awesome trick if ya teeth aren’t bloody yellow. So there I was thrusting away on this fucking thing that was older than my mum when I realized my condom had slipped off, not thinking too much about it I finished up and was on my merry way. The following day going for a pee felt like fucking razor blades, that’s when I remembered the condom falling off. Eventually getting tested the following Tuesday and getting the dreaded results back on Friday. The doctor confirmed that I had contracted gonorrhoea, the worst sounding fucking sexually transmitted infection ever thought of. Luckily with the right medicine I got it rid of it in no time to the biggest relief of my life to date…. well until I contracted chlamydia but that’s a whole different story!