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Middle Of Nowhere Date Recap

If you watch too much of something you get convinced real life is going to be like that. Well that’s exactly what happened to me last night. As I lay in bed trying to recount what exactly happened to me, all I can do is laugh…

I had been chatting to a girl on Tinder for a week or so, when she asked if I would like to meet up. I looked at how far away she was, about a two hour or so round trip. I agreed. This meant I could keep Twitter informed as my dating posts were live. 

Now, if you haven’t followed my live Twitter dating updates before shame on you! But, people seem to get a kick out of me updating everyone on how a date is progressing. 

So after an hour drive to the middle of nowhere, I finally came across her address. Her house looks like something out of one of ‘The Conjuring’ movies. The outside of the house was run down to fuck. I knocked on the door, and had convinced myself that the fucking Texas chainsaw dude was about to answer the door and saw my cock off. But to my surprise the girl I had been messaging answered the door. Fuck yes! She greeted me with a smile and welcomed me in.

There were no pubs where my date lived, so we drank at her place and then eventually went to her friends. We chatted about bullshit like cars, hunting and fishing which I had know idea about, but I was winging it and sprinkled bullshit on top made those conversations work. 

We got to her friends place just before 8pm, which I thought was pretty early, but not for her friend who had already polished off 10 x 7% cans of whiskey and cola. She was happy to see us. That happiness must’ve been a relief as she wanted us to play the drinking game, kings cup/circle of death/ four kings ….fuck….

At first her friend refused to let us play, telling us to take 4 shots of vodka so we would be on her level. We took the shots and the game was on! With some luck I got the rule card a couple of times. The first rule I made was pretty tame “if someone turns over a heart card you have to act out what your favourite thing to do in foreplay is. WOW! So I have never got my finger sucked before, but fuck me that was one lucky finger. The pressure was spot on and the technique was fucking lush. I wished it was something else feeling that pressure.


After all three of us were pretty sloshed, I decided to push my luck and make a saucy rule. “If either of you pick up a heart you have to kiss” I felt like a fucking horny 16 year old announcing this, minus the erection and with a pretty happy sucked off finger.

Well my date got a heart and they kissed. A peck? No, these middle of nowhere chicks were going hard. They were groping each other, their tongues getting lost in each others mouths. Well have no fear Mullie was there! I wanted the game to continue so I got in the middle of them. I honestly tried to remind them of the importance of the game at hand. “Fuck the game” the friend said as she knocked away the cards “give us that cock”

If there was an Olympic medal for getting naked I would have won it. Those two eager beavers commanded my clothes came off and that I gave them the D. Within seconds I was completely naked. They started giving me head and for the next 10 minutes we continued the foreplay. Eventually,  I decided it was time for my ‘lil boy’ to venture into a couple of blackholes. As I got it ready my date said “Lets do the swamp thing.” The fuck…? I thought as I laid there with a rock hard one.

They grabbed my hands and took me outside, for some reason I thought I was going to be sacrificed to the bloody middle of nowhere gods. But luckily that wasn’t the case. Those two horny girls just wanted to fuck outdoors. Most of us call it public sex, dogging or just simply sex outside, but not these girls. They had made my penis retreat into my body as they took me outside for some fucking swamp thing.

Luckily, a bit of mouth to mouth resuscitation woke ‘lil mate’ up and we fucked outside while the full moon beamed down on us. What a bloody great time to be alive. Now I wish I could sound like a blogging pimp and say we were out there shagging for fucking ages but no. Uncle Mulligan tired his best not to explode by thinking of his grandma in the middle of the fun but eventually I fucking exploded like firework in a letterbox.

We then went inside because who wants to cuddle outside. They continued drinking and I stopped in preparation to drive back early Sunday morning. I had a nap on the couch and as soon as my alarm went off I was greeted with morning sex.

 I bloody love the middle of nowhere!!!
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The Happy Ending Massage Story

For a guy who prides himself on being a bit of a sexual deviant, I haven’t had a happy ending massage… WTF! I was in Melbourne two weekends back for a catch up with some mates when one of them questioned if I had ever had a erotic Thai massage. My answer quite simply was no, but dammit this motivated me to have one!

Now for those of you who don’t know what a erotic Thai massage is; basically it’s just a massage with a hand job at the end.. basically. Now let’s paint the scene before we get to the happy ending.

On the Thursday  I flew out to Melbourne, loaded up with duty free booze and as soon as we touched down it was balls to the walls drinking.

I was staying in a motel in the heart of the city called Space Motel, an upmarket hostel. I met my mates who had booked the same motel. By this stage I was fucking legless and the rest of the night’s a bloody blur.

I woke up at about 6am in a pool of my own piss, yes human fucking urine. So for the next day I went shopping for a bloody blow dryer to dry my sheets and pee-infused mattress.

The next night I bedded a Swedish chick and my god, she was freaking sexy. I took her back to my room and we were enjoying the drunk sex for a few minutes until she noticed the bed was wet. My pee hadn’t dried and it fucking STUNK, in her broken English she said “eww pee pee ewww disgusting” and she took off, fuck me dead that was so bloody embarrassing.

Finally it was the day of the massage. After scouting a few places I settled on one in the city called Tender Touch. When I arrived I was welcomed by an Asian-looking Mr Bean, “Hi are you here for some boom boom?” he asked, “No, no, just a massage, happy one” I explained. He stood there for a second so I continued saying “Massage” and sign language with my hands “happy ending” doing the wanking action. “Oh oh ok hi hi, I bring girls for you to pick.”

After about 10 girls walking out introducing themselves to me, I felt like a judge on American Idol about to give one the ticket to Hollywood. I ended up choosing Ayumi, a slim looking Asian who was very, very beautiful. She invited me into the room “You undress now, all clothes off” she commanded. She came back in as I had stood there naked, “You sure you no want boom boom, you a sexy man?” she asked trying to up-sell me a shag. “No, no just a massage and happy ending thanks”

She begin massaging my back and holy heck it was so good, just the right amount of pressure. She worked her way down to my bum and began massaging me bum hole, “This is fucking weird” I thought. She focused on this area a bit too much, rubbing her thumbs into the hole. After drinking heavily the night before, all this did was make me wanna have a poo. “Turn over now” she told me. I turned over and she began the happy ending. She began rubbing my balls and then eventually started wanking me. I didn’t last long, she was that good I exploded all over my stomach. “Ohh wow lots of juice” she giggled and with that she left the room.

Well that was different but I’m glad I can tick that off my deviant bucket list. Wonder what I could do next? The Mile High club sounds like a good idea!  Merry Christmas and Happy New Year guys and gals. Thanks so much for reading my blogs over the year.

Live Tweeting at a Swingers Party

Sometimes going to something the second time never lives up to what it was like the first time. But suck me sideways, this second time at a swingers party was amazeballs!
I got permission to live tweet the event as last time I shagged the hosts; I didn’t even know they were until we got invited to a private Facebook group to set this party up. The only conditions people had were no photos and no names on the tweets which was fine by me.

When we got to the party there was no sign of the dude who had the pineapple rings around his penis – which sucked as he was pretty funny. It was almost a completely different set of people apart from the hosts and one other couple. 

After chatting for a while, every second person was a business owner from around the local area obviously looking for a bit of fun away from the stresses of work.

Two pretty extroverted couples announced they are going into the bedroom and people were free to come watch. You don’t have to tell me fucking twice or my partner in crime for that fact. These couples weren’t shy either, dicks, fannies, tits and balls were on show for everybody to see. The couples started sucking their partners then changed over. The guys followed suit then oral, one of the girl’s bushes looked straight out of the 70’s, hairy as fuck. I felt sorry for the dudes that had to eat that, a little care trim goes a long way. 

The guys began shagging these two woman missionary, then swapping over, then the girls wanted a go on top. One of the woman told me to grab her tits, this is awesome I thought! Not long both guys’ corks blew and it was back to the party we went. 

We started chatting to a younger couple who seemed pretty cool, girl was blonde about 5’1′ and looked about 25. The bloke was in his early thirties from what I could tell. They were newly married but had an open relationship from the get go as they both liked sharing each other. 

They invited us to go down to a room, my date was a little reluctant because the guy thought he was hot shit, but she knew I wanted to shag his mrs so off we went. Now you know when some people like heaps of sauce of their fries/chips? Well these motherfuckers were the same when it pertained to lube. Fuck me they used what felt like half a bottle on my date and me. It was the slipperiest fuck ever, so slippery I went to do doggy style with the dude’s mrs and my dick slid right into her arse. “Ughhhhhhh” she yelped, “wrong hole! wrong hole!” 

Apart from the overuse of the lube the sex was amazing, the woman was amazing on top and even twerked – fucking awesome! We left the party not long after that still smelling like strawberry fucking lube!

Surgeon Date Recap

So these last two weeks have been pretty bloody tough to be honest, my nephew is basically in hospital permanently now which sucks. He is up in Auckland at a hospital called Starship, which is about 3 and a half hours from where I live.Luckily my boss is pretty chill and lets me drive up whenever I ask. 

I met a surgeon up there you in the cafeteria, we got talking and I let her know why I was there and that I was from Tauranga. She mentioned her parents live in Tauranga in a suburb called Matua and that she would be coming down for the weekend. I asked her if she wasn’t too busy if she would like to get a drink when she’s down; she smiles and says of course, yeahhaa boy!

We start texting and Snapchatting for a few days leading up to our Friday date with her even sending a naked snap which was bloody lush. On the Thursday night after she sent the nudie snap we got talking about sex and she asked if I had any fetishes. I must’ve sounded fucking boring as I couldn’t think of any. I asked her if she had any, her reply was weird and not very forthcoming. “I do but most people find it really weird so I don’t tell them until they know me well” she said.

Well fuck me, it could be anything a lot of weird shit started going through my mind. What if it’s poo porn? What if it’s humping a pillow porn, foot porn, shoving things up guy’s arses? – oh God not again.

After pressing her for a bit she wouldn’t reveal what her fetish was so come Friday I was slighty nervous and so was my bung hole. The chemistry was instantly noticeable when we started drinking, me pretending to be dumber than I am, asking stupid questions about surgeries etc. I again asked her what her fetish was but she wouldn’t tell me. After half a dozen shots of tequlia she opened up “I like to masturbate over those Dr Pipple popping videos, please don’t laugh” um what the fuck? Even in my drunken state I knew that was fucked up and all I could say to pretend it wasn’t too fucked was “oh well at least you’re not into poo porn”. I changed the subject pretty swiftly after that revelation.

Come midnight we taxied back to mine and, me being the gentleman and trying to support her fucked-up fetish, I asked her if she wanted to watch one. “Omg yes please if you don’t mind, there is a new one out I haven’t seen where she bursts a massive cyst.” I put the Youtube clip on the TV and she immediately starts fucking me, first with me on top, but she can’t get a good view of the TV. So she jumps on top and reverse cowgirls it. Now picture this fucked up situation; On the TV is a massive fucking cyst on some unwashed fucker’s back getting popped and then look at us, this chick is jumping up and down on my doodle organsming over this filthy shit. No amount of hotness would make me want to do this again but hey she fucking loved it.

After we finished I immediately turn the TV off as she gushed “that was the best sex ever”. All I could say was “that’s nice” because quite frankly that was one of the weirdest bloody things I have ever been a part of! 

Shite on the dance floor

Girls don’t like it if ya leave them in the club for long periods of time nor do they like it if ya fart during sex. Well this past weekend both of those things happened last night
I had been messaging this girl for a couple of days off of this new dating app called Bumble (surely whoever made that app could’ve named it something fucking better them bloody Bumble) when I thought fuck I’m getting bored with all this chitchat bullshit, I’ll just ask her out. She said yes, I got her address and promised to pick her up at 10pm that night. Around this time my stomach began playing up, feeling really tight, but thinking it was just indigestion, I thought nothing of it. 

I took her to the rugby flat where several dozen people had congregated earlier to watch the Maori All Blacks play the British & Irish Lions. We started pre-loading before going to town, doing shots of homemade spirits to doing funnels of beer, shit was getting hectic. We all decided it was time to go when my mate Bazza decide to tackle the wall; the wall lost. 

When we got to town the majority of us got declined entry at most places but luckily my mate knew the bouncers on the Bahama Hut nightclub door so in we went. We started dancing or attempting to, the place was packed, my stomach began playing up again. I thought I would let it out with a hard satisfying fart…. 

 

Arhhhhh Sqeeze Arhhhhh

 

PLOOP…. OMG 

 

FUCK

 

I’ve shit myself.

 

I bolt to the bathroom, pushing past people feeling the runny shit dribbling down my inner of my pants. I get to the toilet, pull my pants down and it looks like a fucking bomb had gone off in there. Still pretty drunk and not wanting to cut the night short I grab my soiled undies and take them with me back to the nightclub. Just before I spot my date I drop them on the dance floor and shuffle over to her. “Where have you been!” she wails. “Taking care of some business in the loo” I yell to her over the loud music, “I thought you left me!” she said.

Now back to the soiled undies as we continued to dance I saw these shitty things get kicked to all corners of the fucking club. It was like a beachball at a concert only shittier. Whoever the poor cunt was at the end of the night that had to do clean up I’m sorry.  

I took the girl back to mine with my stomach feeling better after emptying it at the club. We start having sex which by all accounts was great and then it hit me halfway through, I need to fart but I don’t know if a fart is all that will happen. I try holding it which made it worst and eventually it falls out. BURRRRRRRRTTT luckily it was just a fart but it was a loud bastard. “Ewwww get off, you’re disgusting” my date said, getting up and dressed “ring me a taxi”.

All I could think when she left was, I’m glad she didn’t see the shit that happened at the bloody club if she thought a fucking fart was disgusting! 

Painter Date Recap

Well, well, well, first date back from a brief hiatus and fuck me, it doesn’t go smoothly. Now I wish I could just tweet my date out and have it end with me banging the chick, but this isn’t a fairy tale where we bang happily ever after. No, no, no this shit is real life where anything can happen and did.

After sub-contracting all week to another painting crew I got talking to one of the boys from the other painting crew. He told me about this chick that his boss had employed and given a painting apprenticeship almost straight away. Apparently there was a lot of animosity towards her from all of the other painters as they had to prove themselves for over a year before they got offered an apprenticeship. Not thinking too much into like hmmm her boss might have the hot’s for her, I got her number and began texting her.

She seemed pretty cool over text and apparently had seen me on building sites in the past. I asked her out for a drink on Thursday night and she accepted… The #PainterDate was born. Let us recap…..

Before meeting up with her I tried this new Cider that had just come out and holy shit it was so good, best thing I had tasted since I had gone down on that Canadian girl back in February and that shit tasted like fucking peaches.  We meet up down at her local pub in a suburb in Tauranga called Bureta. She glammed herself up pretty good but I still could see bits of paint under her nails. She had good banter and even ordered a bloody jug of beer for herself.

We started getting jolly and opening up after a couple of jugs of beer. We started talking about sex and she admitted to being so horny on a job she used her paint brush as a dildo, holy fuck! And here was me thinking I was a weirdo for fucking my paint roller sleeve!

I got back from a pee and noticed a concerned look on her face as she was furiously texting someone. It was her boss, she hadn’t finished sanding the room she was on or some shit like that and he wasn’t happy! He kept trying to ring her and eventually resorted to texting her, not being one to let a cock ruin my night I brought us shots and soldiered on.

Before long her fucking boss turned up and started having a full blown argument. He pointed towards me saying “who’s this guy?? Aren’t you supposed to be with Andy?!” Who the fucks Andy I thought. “Fuck Andy, he’s boring” She replied “We broke up on Sunday” Her boss changed his tune as soon as he clicked she was single and the 50 something year old turned on his McSleeze. He stopped arguing, got us all a round and added himself to our fucking date, what the fucking fuck!!!

This fucker started to her all touchy, touchy with her and instead of shrugging it off this tart is fucking loving it. I snap a couple of pictures for twitter, knock back a beer he paid for and bid them a good night by saying “well enjoying having his wrinkly balls hitting your arse tonight.” I walk out of the bar to her yelling at me “fucking prick” and her boss saying “come back and say it to my face” Pfft whatever mate.

 

Welly Date Recap

As I’m lying here watching Orange is the New Black on this cold arse Sunday night I can’t help but laugh thinking about how Tuesday’s date in Wellington went.

The best place to start is at the beginning. I boarded the plane from Tauranga to Welly.  The flight was terrible there was so much turbulence. At one stage I was trying to stand over the toilet taking a slash when whoosh, we hit some fucking turbulence and urine went all over me – bad bloody start to the trip so far. I went back to my seat trying to hide the wet batch from the big ogre dude who I was sitting next to. This ogre bastard took up just under half of my seat too which was another thing on this flight that sucked. Halfway through the flight I thought fuck this I’m going to check if I can switch seat. “No sorry” is what I got from a plastic Barbie doll looking attendant “but you can have another lolly or cookie” why thanks a fucking bunch!!! …. I took the cookie and lolly.

I arrived to my motel around 3pm which was good cause it gave me time to go out and get a box of beers from Pak n Save, drink at the motel, jump on Tinder and hopefully find someone to go out to dinner with. As soon as I passed the aisle of value at Pak n Save I begun to walk through the fruit and vegetable part and that’s when I heard a girl’s voice from over by the potatoes “whoa cool tattoos.” I look up to see if she was talking to me, she was and she looked pretty decent. We got to chatting for about 5 minutes whilst she filled various vegetable displays up. At one point she had a carrot in her hand and began to wank it “you’re really hot by the way but you probably know that” she said continuing to give this lucky bloody carrot the stroking of its life. I asked her if she wanted to go out for a drink, she said yes so I grabbed her number and wondered off to get myself a box of beer.

After polishing off a few beers I gave miss Pak n Save a text seeing where she wants to go for dinner. She suggested Lone Star which sounded fine to me, we agreed on meeting there at 8pm. I had a few more beers, grabbed a uber taxi and headed into Lone Star Restaurant. I waited in the bar part for five minutes as I hadn’t got a reply from her in a while but then thought bugger it I will grab a table in clear view of door so I can wave her over. I’m not sure how long you’re supposed to fucking wait for someone but ten minutes turned into twenty minutes which turned into half an hour, and that’s when I thought fuck I think I’ve been stood up. I was about to text her to see where the hell she was and that’s when she texts me “really sorry, had to work late doing a banana display” a bloody banana display?!?! Are you kidding me!!!!! She explained in more detail saying that her boss made her and she didn’t have her phone until she finished. After a while she actually sent me a picture of the fucking banana display along with a message saying sorry again cheeky bitch.

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I ended up having dinner by myself, I could feel a dozen eyes on me all the time as if all the other patrons at this restaurant knew I had been stood up. The waitress must have even felt sorry for me as she brought me a beer and asked if I was ok. Another lesson learned from this non date, if the girl works at a supermarket; make sure she doesn’t have a fucking banana display to finish. This no show made me feel pretty stink for about 4 days until I thought bugger it – time to get back on the horse. After a few dead ends I met up with a likeminded girl last night, danced the night away and ended up playing hide the sausage at her nanas house with her nana! Ok not with her nana, but I was that horny that if her bloody nana had asked to join in I wouldn’t have turned her away. Could a Granny Date be on the cards next? Who knows but for now I’m gonna get back to Tinder, head refreshed and keep on keeping on.

 

Date Site Date Recap

What a sad week it was last week, my blonde Canadian friend flew back to Canada and I met a girl that smelt like a walking ash tray. Anyway the day was Friday and I jumped onto the NZ Dating website; which is a lot like Tinder but its been around for as long as I can remember. You create a profile and click which category you would like your profile to be found on out of relationships, friendships or sexual meetings. When I think of sexual meetings I think of hot as lonely girls on the net looking for a bit of action. Well after browsing the sexual meeting profiles on this NZ dating site most of them are 50 year old toothless grannys looking for a bloody guy to fill their hot water bottle up and help take their fucking false teeth out in preparation for a gum job, fuck no! After getting hit on by half a dozen hungry grannies I luckily found one that was online that was younger than my mum (usually one of my only standards). We start messaging and the third message in she is talking filthy, she is horny as shit which is kinda no surprise being in the section I found her in. I ask her if she wants to come over as all this sex text messaging bullshit doesn’t really do it for me, she said she would get ask her mum if she can babysit. 5 minutes later she replies she can and #DateSiteDate live twitter tweets were born.

The Recap

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When she arrived she immediately hugged me and I am met with the over powering stench of cigarettes and far too much perfume. The lounge was free as my flatmate had called me a weirdo for inviting her over and had gone to bed. We have a chat to start things off and eventually snuggle while watching a movie. Thinking it was close to hide the sausage time I started feeling her legs a little bit, she whispers to me that she usually doesn’t do this….hmmm does she fucking not know her profile is in the bloody sexual meeting category with her profile name something like “Fuck Kitten” jesus.

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Yup that’s right as the movie continues I look over at her and she has fallen asleep, are you fucking kidding me!!! I know she wasn’t pretending either because she began heavy breathing and almost started snoring, what the hell.

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I facebook  my flatmate and tell her whats happened and she is pissing herself suggesting I change my twitter name to Bore Mulligan, not funny. She agrees to ring my phone so I can wake this tart up, I put the phones volume right up and nestle it right by her ear. “RING RING RING” she hits the fucking roof and its gilorious ‘Oh sorry I must’ve difted off” she says yawning. Trying to hold the laughter in I ask her if she would like to go home to bed, but no no no this little nap must’ve reinvigorated her because the horny bitch I had been talking to online suddenly came out to play. She started rubbing my crotch, she then went in for a kiss with partial sleep breath mixed with tobacco. I felt myself about to dry reach and pulled my mouth off hers and began kissing her neck. Her neck was no bloody better either as it was covered in fucking perfume, writing this on the sofa I can still smell her stench and it still makes me physically ill.

We whipped off our clothes and I immediately spun her around for doggy style; avoiding any more kissing. After we were done she wanted to cuddle but I said I needed to take a shit so with that she went for a tinkle, chucked her undies on and left – thank fuck. Since Friday she has been sending me mean messages. Telling me how bad the sex was trying to critique me, total bullshit to the point that I have decided to send her a link to this blog when posted so she can see it wasn’t all my fault, kind of hard to be in the “lets have great sex”mood when your shag not only falls asleep but smells so bad that not even a dog would sniff her arse.

1st Date of 2016 Blog Recap

 

Ever had to pick dried vomit out of your hair? No? Me neither until waking up from drinking excessively on Sunday. Now usually I remember what I have been up to whilst drinking, hell I usually write notes on my phone when I’m going for a piss throughout the night to make my blog as accurate as possible. But this last Saturday night I got lit up majorly. I found a picture of me hugging some random that I have no recollection of being taken, what’s more bizarre is where the fuck did I get the shirt from?! I was wearing a completely different one during my date and I sure as heck didn’t go home to get changed. Was I abducted by aliens? Sounds farfetched but my asshole was bloody sore the next morning and I know aliens are inclined to anal probe their victims hmmmm. Anyway enough with all that shite and back to recapping my date and sharing with you what happened/what I can remember about the rest of the night.

Being that it was a hot ass day on Saturday I had been having a few quiet ones at home. After sinking half a dozen, I realized that I better not drive so my date agreed to pick me up1               2

When she pulled up I had just been looking over her Tinder profile, yes another one I have met off there. She got out of the car and I thought to myself “fuck is that a mini van getting out of the car?” she was fucking huge compared to her photos. I was in a merry state from the beers so instead of not going on the date I thought bugger it lets go.

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After the usual ‘first meeting someone’ chit chat she announces she is craving a mcflurry ice cream as we are almost past the McDonald’s entrance. She jams on the breaks and almost spins the car out trying to get into the drive through, for fuck sake, who does this on the first date? Especially only ten minutes into it.

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We finally get to the restaurant after she gobbles downs her ice cream, I spot a sweet deal on the new export beer – 4 for $20 I get them and we put our order in for dinner. Our gourmet burgers turn up which look great, I tuck into mine and look up to see her sifting through hers. I pick up my phone and take a snap, she is chucking out everything except the egg and the pattie. “What the heck are you doing” I say half joking. “I hate vegetables” she replies. Well fuck me I’m not the biggest fan on certain veges but by Christ she has made a mess, leave it on your plate bro.

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She insists we get dessert even though she already slayed a fucking ice cream before hand, I asked her if we could share one which is usually a super cute thing I do with a date. She looks sad and agrees we could, we get a chocolate brownie and she goes to town on it. For every one mouthful I have, she has two scoffing it down.

I finish off my last beer and we head off to the nearby pub, at this stage she looks better than she did at the start of the night, beer goggles obviously in full effect now. We grab a drink and set ourselves up on a table by the bar.

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After finishing our first drink we head to the bar for another one and I suggest a shot of vodka which she shakes her head at, fuck it two for me then. We head up stairs to the top story to have a drink on the balcony and that’s when I spot her, the fucking rude bitch from the first date I live tweeted (if you have forgotten her here is the link to her date https://tattooedmulligan.com/2015/10/11/live-tweeting-my-date-recap/ ). I have a laugh to myself as she is with a couple of needle dick looking drop kicks and a equally as geeky girl. Wondering if the geek girl was Becca whos texts I read on the last date, ignoring my date and began eavesdropping into there convo. “You want another drink Becca?” one of the nerds said, BOOM! It was the bitch, they hadn’t spotted me so I continued to watch them.

Now here’s when it got a bit hazy as I can’t figure out a few things/place them in order. I remember my date getting fed up with me and leaving and the “I have a sore tummy” excuse. I looked back on my twitter and saw that my last tweet was me chatting to some Canadians, well those bastards flushed another $50 down the drain of mine in the form of tequila shots. The next thing I remember is drunkenly walking up to Becca and saying something along the lines of “fuck you geek” not my finest insult ever. After the insult I remember walking out of the bar and into another one and from there on in I can’t place myself anywhere apart from a club over the bridge in Tauranga from a photo. I must say I became semi aware of my surrounding when I chucked my guts out right on the water front next to a car of two young love birds trying to enjoy a quick shag, soz. While I remember throwing up I don’t recall dipping my bloody hair into the vomit, fuck my life! Well that’s it from my date next time I will make sure my drunk self keeps notes.

 

 

 

 

The Morally Wrong Date Recap

Well yesterday I decided to do another Mulligan Live Date tweet session. This would be my third one and to be honest I wanted to do something a little different. Instead of what could be a potentially boring as shite date with boring arse tweets about how great the food is, I wanted to do something a little mean. 12212134_10206988755909243_2033046877_nThat’s where the idea of doing a morally wrong date came up, now I can’t take all the credit for this as my flatmate helped me come up with it and also set me up with one of her friends for a blind date, what a mean friend, great flatmate though!

Anyway here is the recap of the Morally Wrong Date I went on and tweeted about last night enjoy! 12204646_10206988757349279_206653240_n

So we had agreed over text to meet at 6pm at the Pizza Library, so
my first morally wrong act was to turn up late . . twenty odd minutes late. Walking up to her car she didn’t look impressed at all

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We headed into the Pizza Library to order our meals, we ordered one of the huge American style pizzas and I get a beer. When it’s time to pay I haven’t got my wallet on me (morally wrong act number 2) Looking embarrassed she insists she will pay. At this stage I was feeling like a dick and was getting it on social media being called a bully and mean ( I’m really not).

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Now the next thing to do throughout the whole date was to make no conversation, give one word answers and be on my phone the whole time.10575918_10206988757829291_198506399_n I started feeling awful around the time the pizza came out, this was clearly a lovely girl and she was trying so hard to talk to me. After what seemed like a good half an hour I jumped on tinder deliberately and made sure she saw it and fuck me she snapped!! She started having a go at me and while she was I was tweeting the whole conversation . . . until I got a little bit wet.

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She started getting up to leave and I had to bring her in on the secret, at first she didn’t believe me but luckily I had told my flatmate to DM her on Facebook to say it was just a social experiment I was doing on twitter (Social experiment?! fuck me my flatmate made it sound bloody awesome). She laughed and said I was an A hole. We then had a proper date with me buying dessert and then we set off to the pub.

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We had such a good time at the pub with her looking through my twitter feed laughing at all my tweets about our date. 9After sinking about half a dozen beers each (yes she drinks beer! dream girl) she put her hand on mine and suggested I tweet about that which of course I did. Things got a lot steamier from there onwards, we shared a few kisses on the empty balcony at which point I asked her if she wanted to come back to mine for a movie and to my amazement she said yes. This date had come full circle which was a big relief to me as she is such a cool chick.

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Well we got into about a third of the movie in the spooning cuddle p12osition and you know what they say about spooning, it leads to a bloody good forking and that it did! She spent the night at my place with the only downside being that she snored the house down.

Well that was the recap of the morally wrong date, hope you all enjoyed it as much as I did – T Mulligan