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Middle Of Nowhere Date Recap

If you watch too much of something you get convinced real life is going to be like that. Well that’s exactly what happened to me last night. As I lay in bed trying to recount what exactly happened to me, all I can do is laugh…

I had been chatting to a girl on Tinder for a week or so, when she asked if I would like to meet up. I looked at how far away she was, about a two hour or so round trip. I agreed. This meant I could keep Twitter informed as my dating posts were live. 

Now, if you haven’t followed my live Twitter dating updates before shame on you! But, people seem to get a kick out of me updating everyone on how a date is progressing. 

So after an hour drive to the middle of nowhere, I finally came across her address. Her house looks like something out of one of ‘The Conjuring’ movies. The outside of the house was run down to fuck. I knocked on the door, and had convinced myself that the fucking Texas chainsaw dude was about to answer the door and saw my cock off. But to my surprise the girl I had been messaging answered the door. Fuck yes! She greeted me with a smile and welcomed me in.

There were no pubs where my date lived, so we drank at her place and then eventually went to her friends. We chatted about bullshit like cars, hunting and fishing which I had know idea about, but I was winging it and sprinkled bullshit on top made those conversations work. 

We got to her friends place just before 8pm, which I thought was pretty early, but not for her friend who had already polished off 10 x 7% cans of whiskey and cola. She was happy to see us. That happiness must’ve been a relief as she wanted us to play the drinking game, kings cup/circle of death/ four kings ….fuck….

At first her friend refused to let us play, telling us to take 4 shots of vodka so we would be on her level. We took the shots and the game was on! With some luck I got the rule card a couple of times. The first rule I made was pretty tame “if someone turns over a heart card you have to act out what your favourite thing to do in foreplay is. WOW! So I have never got my finger sucked before, but fuck me that was one lucky finger. The pressure was spot on and the technique was fucking lush. I wished it was something else feeling that pressure.


After all three of us were pretty sloshed, I decided to push my luck and make a saucy rule. “If either of you pick up a heart you have to kiss” I felt like a fucking horny 16 year old announcing this, minus the erection and with a pretty happy sucked off finger.

Well my date got a heart and they kissed. A peck? No, these middle of nowhere chicks were going hard. They were groping each other, their tongues getting lost in each others mouths. Well have no fear Mullie was there! I wanted the game to continue so I got in the middle of them. I honestly tried to remind them of the importance of the game at hand. “Fuck the game” the friend said as she knocked away the cards “give us that cock”

If there was an Olympic medal for getting naked I would have won it. Those two eager beavers commanded my clothes came off and that I gave them the D. Within seconds I was completely naked. They started giving me head and for the next 10 minutes we continued the foreplay. Eventually,  I decided it was time for my ‘lil boy’ to venture into a couple of blackholes. As I got it ready my date said “Lets do the swamp thing.” The fuck…? I thought as I laid there with a rock hard one.

They grabbed my hands and took me outside, for some reason I thought I was going to be sacrificed to the bloody middle of nowhere gods. But luckily that wasn’t the case. Those two horny girls just wanted to fuck outdoors. Most of us call it public sex, dogging or just simply sex outside, but not these girls. They had made my penis retreat into my body as they took me outside for some fucking swamp thing.

Luckily, a bit of mouth to mouth resuscitation woke ‘lil mate’ up and we fucked outside while the full moon beamed down on us. What a bloody great time to be alive. Now I wish I could sound like a blogging pimp and say we were out there shagging for fucking ages but no. Uncle Mulligan tired his best not to explode by thinking of his grandma in the middle of the fun but eventually I fucking exploded like firework in a letterbox.

We then went inside because who wants to cuddle outside. They continued drinking and I stopped in preparation to drive back early Sunday morning. I had a nap on the couch and as soon as my alarm went off I was greeted with morning sex.

 I bloody love the middle of nowhere!!!
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Vegas Baby

I met with my Contiki group and we headed off for Vegas. Contiki, is a bus tour designed for people 18 – 35 year olds, which is great as ya don’t get any old fuck on the tour. As we hit the highway out of Los Angeles our bus and all the cars behind it were flagged down by police to stop. Two police cars had pulled over a car and the driver was refusing to stop. It didn’t take long for two police cars to become five and guns drawn. Luckily, our tour guide made light of it and played The Clash’s “I Fought The Law” song whilst this was going on.


In my previous blog, I moaned about the Los Angeles heat but as soon as we got into Las Vegas, the middle of the desert, the heat was fucking insane. I even found it hard to breath. As I tried to find the nearest casino to run into, to escape the heat I saw some fucking local with jeans on. FUCKING JEANS ON!

We checked into Westgate Resort & Casino, I have never seen anything like it. There was a tattoo studio in the place where we were staing, MERICA. We went out clubbing that night, like everything in America the clubs were huge. I hung out with one of the bro’s for most of the night drinking expensive drinks, high as a fucking kite. We met up with a few of the peeps on the trip and decided to head back to our resort.

 

As we were walking back one of the English girls kept dropping subtle hints about herself and her situation. “Single in Vegas” she said out loud which oblivoulsy got my attention. She the put her arm around me calling me fucking SAM? “Sam, I don’t have a roommate” she said to me – Sean. I played along with her “Oh you are lucky, I do and he is a bloody strange English dude” Eventually, I asked her “Am I coming back to your room?” and she said “If you want.” That night I showed her why Kiwis always come first whether it be at rugby or at sex, because I bloody eurpted in fucking minutes. Oh the shame.


The next day, involved a lot of legal weed, swims by the pool to nurse the hangover, deep fried pickles and a kick ass Cirque du Soleil show. God I love vegas.

Live Tweeting at a Swingers Party

Sometimes going to something the second time never lives up to what it was like the first time. But suck me sideways, this second time at a swingers party was amazeballs!
I got permission to live tweet the event as last time I shagged the hosts; I didn’t even know they were until we got invited to a private Facebook group to set this party up. The only conditions people had were no photos and no names on the tweets which was fine by me.

When we got to the party there was no sign of the dude who had the pineapple rings around his penis – which sucked as he was pretty funny. It was almost a completely different set of people apart from the hosts and one other couple. 

After chatting for a while, every second person was a business owner from around the local area obviously looking for a bit of fun away from the stresses of work.

Two pretty extroverted couples announced they are going into the bedroom and people were free to come watch. You don’t have to tell me fucking twice or my partner in crime for that fact. These couples weren’t shy either, dicks, fannies, tits and balls were on show for everybody to see. The couples started sucking their partners then changed over. The guys followed suit then oral, one of the girl’s bushes looked straight out of the 70’s, hairy as fuck. I felt sorry for the dudes that had to eat that, a little care trim goes a long way. 

The guys began shagging these two woman missionary, then swapping over, then the girls wanted a go on top. One of the woman told me to grab her tits, this is awesome I thought! Not long both guys’ corks blew and it was back to the party we went. 

We started chatting to a younger couple who seemed pretty cool, girl was blonde about 5’1′ and looked about 25. The bloke was in his early thirties from what I could tell. They were newly married but had an open relationship from the get go as they both liked sharing each other. 

They invited us to go down to a room, my date was a little reluctant because the guy thought he was hot shit, but she knew I wanted to shag his mrs so off we went. Now you know when some people like heaps of sauce of their fries/chips? Well these motherfuckers were the same when it pertained to lube. Fuck me they used what felt like half a bottle on my date and me. It was the slipperiest fuck ever, so slippery I went to do doggy style with the dude’s mrs and my dick slid right into her arse. “Ughhhhhhh” she yelped, “wrong hole! wrong hole!” 

Apart from the overuse of the lube the sex was amazing, the woman was amazing on top and even twerked – fucking awesome! We left the party not long after that still smelling like strawberry fucking lube!

Floppy Joe

Well what a shockingly embarrassing type of weekend I have just had. I got two perfect opportunities to get with two different (fairly) attractive chicks but for reasons which I will explain; I completely cocked it up!
I think I put a hex on myself because before the weekend had even started, I tweeted the magic eight ball asking it ‘If I am going to get lucky this weekend’ and its wise response was ‘this is an easy one to answer, no way’. Fuck my life! Way to boost a guys confidence Mr. Eightball. Not letting that deter me I cracked on. Before heading out on Friday I had my pre going-out wank, in the hopes that if I slept with a girl it would build my stamina; making the sex last longer if it happened. It’s all about strategy. 😉 

On Friday I met up with a 38 year old I had been talking to on tinder, she immediately gave me a hug and sniffed my neck, “Hugo Boss? yummy” she giggled. I could tell this chick was already pretty lit, I needed to catch up. While she was in the toilet I brought a line of tequila and necked back 4 of them just in time for her to come out of the toilet. “I brought us a shot each” I said trying not to hurl up the last four I had just downed. “Oh you’re so lovely, come here” she smiled, and thats all it took we were making out in the middle of this half empty bar. The poor bartender looked sickened shaking his head as he collected my empty shot glasses. It wasn’t long till she asked if I would like to come back to her apartment and off we went. Things got hot and heavy as soon as we got there, she threw me on the bed and proceeded to do a drunk strip show. Now by this stage you would think I would be rocking a tent pole, but no such fucking luck. I begin slapping it around as if to wake it up ‘come on lil buddy!’ I thought. Still nothing. She crept on top of me “ughh I can’t get it up” I say with a sigh. “Don’t worry, I will” she said with a smile. She put it in her mouth and usually by this stage my small breakfast sausage would evolve into a freaking frankfurter but no, nothing happened. Fuck sakes! She even tried a cheeky finger in the bum (her idea not mine) but to no avail. This droopy penis was fast asleep. I counted my loses and called it a night.

Roll on Saturday night and it was all on again, after cutting some shapes on the dance floor I bumped into an old friend at the bar. She had won a $250 bar tab and was struggling to get through it. She begged me to help her, I happily obliged. We head back to my place at about 3am, we were kissing in the taxi and all I could think of was if my lil buddy would stand to attention for me tonight. We got out of the taxi just in time for me to chunder everywhere, I was wasted. We staggered into my bed and began trying to get it on. Now, picture trying to play a game of pool with a fucking rope, it just doesn’t work!! Fuckkkkkk.

What a shitty shit shit weekend that was. This coming weekend there will definitely be no pre going-out wanks….or huge bar tabs to go through. Lessons learnt 😞   

The Proposition

Wow what a great weekend it has been, my Mum asked me what my plans are for Easter. With a smirk I said “The same as Jesus: disappear on Friday, show up on Monday.” I headed to Napier on Good Friday, the roads were packed with families all going in different directions for the long weekend. As I went through the Napier Taupo gorge I passed the paddock were I had crashed before in the blog ‘Meeting Mountain Woman’ and noticed a sweet new fence had been constructed with a home made sign saying ‘SLOW DOWN!’ when I got to Tim’s I was greeted with a cold beer and a manly hug. We began chatting about the good old days. I asked what exactly are we doing tonight, and with a grin Tim told me we are going to one of his girl mates 21st birthday parties – fucking sweet i thought! We arrived at the party already half cut, they had booked out this huge hall and it was packed! We started mingling, I was riding Tim’s coat tail for a bit which was getting boring following him around. Finally somebody asked me what I do for a job, I quickly went through all the jobs in my head I could be but came back with the most trusty answer ‘Im a tattooist’ I replied with a smirk. I was finally the “it man” with everybody wanting to talk to me about what they wanted to get tattooed. As the night was getting on, I was becoming the life of the party joking, dancing and chatting to everyone, at one stage I’m pretty sure the granny wanted to shag me but lets not digress. Tim suggested we stay at the party over going to town as there was a sweet bar tab, I wasn’t going to complain everybody was loving this (fake) tattooist. Two of the people I were hanging around with the most were this couple Erin and Dan I think their names were. She was smoking hot but he was kinda nerdy, I found out it was her birthday so I brought over a round of shots which went down a treat. These two kept disapeering which I found annoying as they were the two I was hanging around with. After the third time I asked them where they were going. With a cheeky smirk she replied quite bluntly “for a fuck, i’m a nympho” shocked I replied “whoa, nice!” As the party was wrapping up I looked at Dan, the poor guy looked buggered. I toddled off to the toilet, I started going for a leak when heard a voice behind me “can I asked you of you would be interested in something?”. It was Dan, I put my snake back in my pants turned around and nodded, he continued “well as you know it’s Erin’s Birthday today and she has always wanted to have a threesome with two guys”. Oh shit I know where this is going, he paused and took a big gulp then followed with “would you like to come back to ours with us? I think you would be perfect because your not from here”. Fuck me this took me by surprise. Now normally I would say no but thinking of this blog and what a great story it would make I agreed.
Dan went back to tell Erin the good news, she hugged him, grabbed his hand and ran over to me “Lets go home” she grinned grabbing my hand too. As I headed towards the exit I yelled out to Tim “I’m going home with these two” he looked at me with a puzzled grin as if to think “what the fuck for”. As we got back to their place I noticed Dan was as uncomfortable as me “we don’t have to do this bro” I said “na na I owe her since for my birthday we had a threesome with her girl mate”. What a fucked up relationship I thought, what ever happened to a gift voucher or some bloody flowers. We all got naked, I had no clue what the limits were so I just stood there like a twit, she began to give as both oral which was great…. if the bloody light wasn’t on. Poor ol Dan couldn’t get it up but me on the other hand was standing to attention, so Erin decided to have doggy style with me while still performing oral on Dan. I asked again before I started “you all good with this bro?” He nodded so for the next 15 minutes I shag this poor guys girlfriend in front of him even making her climax. God I was feeling for the guy. After we finished he went all weird and said he wanted to sleep now so not wanting his sadness to turn to anger I quickly got dressed and said goodbye and hiked back to Tim’s.
Well apart from sleeping with a girl the following night who filmed me snoring, that was probably the most interesting thing that happened on my Easter weekend. Thanks for reading!

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Jelly Wrestling Jail Time

As I stared blankly at this poorly painted wall I looked down at my skinned knuckles wishing I had my phone on me. “I need to remember what happened tonight” I thought. I hadn’t lost my phone or anything; in fact it was in arguably very safe hands, I just couldn’t get to it. I started to look around at my surroundings. One ginger haired guy was asleep next to me and about two metres away another guy was pacing back and fourth like an idiot. Talking to himself emphasising the F words to sound real bad ass. No, I wasn’t at some dodgy Hamilton night spot I was in the Wellington Cells/Jail.

I flew down to Wellington last week for a work conference thing and liking it down there so much I decided to stay another night at the motel. It was O week last week which is a week-long celebration and orientation to welcome university students and help to familiarise themselves with the local surroundings, which has evolved into the night clubs being open every night of the week with different themes each night. After pre loading on drinks at my motel I stumbled into town. I met one of my friends who works in Wellington at Courtenay Place, where the majority of the clubs were going off. Every place was packed with university students and everyone was having a great time. Shots of blue looking liqueur were only $2 at one of the clubs, so I happily exchanged my crisp $20 note for 10 and downed every one of them. By this time my drunken confidence was at an all time high and saw that the club I was in was having a jelly wrestling tournament. I chucked my name down and waited for my turn. The event was in the middle of the club which consisted of an oversized kids paddling pool filled with lubrication gel. The rules were simple; two people got into the paddling pool and the winner is either the one left standing or the one that lands on top of the opponent. “Heat 8 Sean and Connor come on down” the dj called out. I was pitted against this person that looked liked a fucking carrot. He had the brightest, most ginger hair I had ever seen and he was muscly as! “Fuck i’m going to lose” I thought to myself. As we squared off he began hurling some verbal abuse at me, looking around I saw all of his gym boyfriends egging him on. Suddenly he slapped me really hard in the face. The ref was some hot girl who was pretty much there for decoration, she told him no slapping. Not one to be out done I wound my right arm up and slapped the shit out of him which made him slip and stumble over. I had won but it wasn’t over, he tackled me and began laying in punches yelling at me that I had punched him (it was a slap!) I fought back a bit until it was broken up. My knuckles were bleeding which still confuses me as to how that happened. As all of this was unfolding two police officers were doing a walk through the club and witnessed the incident. Grabbing us both they took us outside into an awaiting paddy wagon to a chorus of boos from all the other party goers. We both were still topless and drenched in lube FML.

When we got to the police station the police officers couldn’t stop cracking jokes at us about how silly two topless guys covered in lube looked. In hinds sight we must have but these young cops were acting like massive douches. We both got warnings and had to stay in the cells for awhile which turned out to be three hours. I asked Connor why he started a fight and he thought I had punched him. I told him I had just slapped him back, he apologised, I accepted and we were all good.

We got out of there at about 3am, we got our phones back and got given t-shirts out of the lost property to wear. Connors friends had gone home to Lower Hutt, I suggested we go to the strip club and he happily agreed. We stayed there until 5am, then I stumbled back to my motel alone. If it wasn’t for spending time in the cells that night was shaping up to be awesome, oh well there is always next time!

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Enough to drink

How do you know when you have had enough to drink in a night? Throwing up? Passing out? Getting breath tested? These are the common ways that normal people would know when enough is enough. Fortunately for you readers I’m not a normal guy, as much as I make out I am. I get myself into some fucked up situations.

I hate going into town when it’s one of those nights that every girl just seems uninterested, my ego takes a hammering and I just feel like going home to have a cry-wank combo. That was until I become a gold member on an NZ Dating website. I couldn’t help it, I love sex. I would go onto the website, change the preferences to Sexual meetings and just go for it. So this time when town was sucking I went to the toilet in The Outback night club in Hamilton, closed the door and sat in the toilet making it my sex office while I prepared to arrange a booty call. At this stage on a Saturday night the NZ dating site was thriving with traffic with all the solo mums on it looking for a chat, or in a lot of cases, a quick shag. I found one girl that was online but I didn’t have enough battery on my phone to exchange pleasantries so I immediately asked her if she wanted a shag. For a girl that’s 25 with the username HotWetANDReady it took a bloody lot of convincing to meet up! Finally she caved after I sent her a penis picture, I told her where I was and she promised to come pick me up.

At this stage my mood had perked up, as I walked out of the toilet I bumped into my mates whom were partaking in a yardy competition. I had to get involved! We went outside of the club where it had become a bit of a spectacle. They gave me a huge yard glass full of beer mixed with straight vodka. I smashed it; we continued to drink for what seemed an hour.yardyyy  Shit, I had completely forgotten about the NZ dating girl, I checked my phone and luckily she had just pulled up an was waiting.

I staggered out to her, completely out of it. Looking back I don’t know why she let me in her car, I must of looked like a complete write off but she did and after an awkward hello we headed back to her place.  It was all a big blur from here, I remember her asking me if I had a condom which I didn’t and neither did she, which mustn’t have mattered because we got straight into having sex.  I remember attempting doggy style but I couldn’t hold myself up I was far too drunk. So I just lay there and let her go for it. By this point all that alcohol I had downed from the yardy had made its way down into my bladder. She was still on top of me and suddenly I thought I was going to cum “I’m not sure if I’m gonna cum or piss” I said, She said “what’s that?” TOO LATE it’s piss!!!  I began relieving myself right there inside her.  She quickly realised that’s too much fluid to be cum, “WHAT THE FUCK!” she screamed as she got off me but I couldn’t stop. Urine continued to come out everywhere all over the bed. “Oh my god, I’m so sorry I don’t know what’s happening” I say. “GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!”  She screams. I quickly grab my clothes, not even putting my pants on and I take off. I had no idea what suburb I was in so I staggered to the end of the street to see what the street sign said. Luckily I was only one suburb away from where I was living. I woke up to about 20 messages from her in pure rage threatening to get her brother onto me or what not; I can’t blame her that was so disgusting of me. I had already said sorry to her so I just text back “does your brother want to get pissed in too!!?”

And that’s when I knew I had enough to drink; I relived myself in someone.  Safe to say I haven’t had a yardy since.

That’s it from me till next Monday, hope you all enjoyed it. Remember, Play hard and shag harder!!

Ps Buy a Tattooed Mulligan T shirt 😉 http://www.prowrestlingtees.com/related/tatooed-opinion-1/tattooed-for-love.html