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One Night In Amsterdam

“thank you everyone for an awesome trip” that was my tour manager saying his final speech to us. It suddenly sunk in that I properly wouldn’t see a lot of these people ever again. While to be honest I am/was pretty happy to see the back of a number of these people there were a number that I got on with so well. Now lets back track and start at the beginning…

“European Discovery over to Matt” shouted one of the hot contiki staff. As i walked over my aniexty took over, I felt like saying fuck this trip i’m off home. But I walked my arse to the assembly area. I began scouting the talent for my trip, “hmmmm” i began to think “there is definitely a few options to pursue here.”

The contiki trip started, I made friends pretty easy, linking up with Kiwi’s one city over from where I live and also a tattooed canadian dude whom I clicked with instantly. First night was Amsterdam, all I can say bout Amsterdam is ‘fuck me I’m moving to Amsterdam’. How good is that?! Coffee shops with weed, strong weed, chillax weed, weed lolliops, weed brownies, weed ice cream and weed lubricant if ya little fella is missing out!

Now knowing me weed isn’t obviously the number one thing Amsterdam does well imo insert creepy smirking emoji here. The Red Light District! wow just WOW. Walking down the street in the district I began to notice that these beautiful women in the windows were sexy as fuck. My pre misconception was that they would be hideous. Well I’m here to tell you they were lush dot bloody com! One of the american dudes on our trip went into one and two minutes later he was done.. talk about a bloody quickie!

Now my favourite part on my night in Amsterdam was the live sex show! A group of us paid sixty euros each and that got us into this old dingy theatre. On the stage wasn’t a fucking Phantom of the Opera play no no no it was a new play called Dick in Vagina!!!!! The first act was a couple shagging on a rotating bed. starting off like a porno with foreplay and then finishing with ol mate giving her the jackhammer. We then enjoyed several other acts that included a lesbian act, another couple and then the infamous banana act🍌

Ok so what happened here was the girl picks three dudes from the audience. I couldn’t put my hand up any bloody higher but alas they pick three other lucky fuckers. So once on stage, the said girl chucks the banana slightly inside her and then peels the banana. The first guy got the first bite, he got up looking happy. The next guy got the next bite looking even more happy. Then came the third guy, there wasn’t much banana left so he had to go right in there. Once he manage to get a bit of the banana the girl whipped her legs around him and pushed his head into her vagina. Ol mate got up with both hands in the air and yelled “i’m the king of the world” yes you are you lucky bugger.

Well that was my first night in europe and lets just say I get up to a helluva lot of more mischief. More blogs to come!

Every Rose Has Its Thorn 

A lot can happen in a week. Feelings can develop, friendships can blossom and in some bloody odd cases; popcorn can be thrown. Now retracing my steps from last weeks blog, Kate told me she loved me whilst shagging and then again the next day. Following some good advice from some twitter tweeps (is that what their called?). I talked her feelings through and found out she had been in an abusive relationship recently where her partner didn’t treat her well, and then meeting me she said I treated her like a queen. So I worked out that she didn’t actually love me, she just loved how I had made her feel. 
Moving forward to this week, we had an awesome weekend with her staying at my house exploring each others bodies through epic shagging sessions that lasted what seemed like hours (in reality it probably lasted a good 10 minutes). One thing she mastered was whilst she was on top in cowgirl she could turn around into reverse cowgirl without my doodle falling out, fucking amazing! 

So on Monday and Tuesday night I was in Hamilton on a work do so I couldn’t see Kate. Although we would be texting constantly until Tuesday night when I didn’t hear from her apart from the shitty “nite hun x” bullshitty text. Now Wednesday comes along and off to the movies we go to watch that Paranormal Activity 3D. Thinking that everything was good between us I rip a hole in the bottom of the popcorn and stick my penis through it. Chuckling away to myself I think “man I can’t wait till she reaches for some popcorn and grabs my salted penis”. 30 minutes go by and she hasn’t touched the popcorn nor is she watching the movie, shes on her phone. The bright light of of her screen is annoying the shit out of me so I decide to glance over at her, moving my eyes under my 3D glasses looking at her phone to see whats so important. I see she is in her messages and notice she is texting “Chaz”. Wait a minute her ex’s name is Chaz. My heart sunk as I began reading along to what she was saying. “Can I see you tonight, keen for pipe time” was a message I made out that he had said. Hoping to god she was going to say something like “get lost dickhead”. I watched on as she said “maybe later, text you after xx.” Well my sadness turned to rage, as this was the girl that was going on about how much of a prick this guy was and how abusive he had been towards her, fuck sake what is she doing. I looked down and noticed my dick was still in the popcorn, now I’m no saint and already regret this but I decide to pee on the popcorn a little. Without her knowing it I grabbed the napkins I had gotten with my ice cream wiped the excess wee off me and once the credits started rolling I said “I see you have been texting fucking Chaz, you two deserve each other” and with that I dumped the pee soaked popcorn over her head.

Well since then I have only had two texts which happened to be right after I walked out of the movies by myself. Firstly one to say “I’m sorry Sean” quickly followed by “did you fucking pee on this popcorn you sick fucking fuck” to which I said “Well its a lot better then the p your’re obviously going to smoke with Chaz tonight, goodbye Kate.”

So yeah that wraps up my time with Kate, onwards and upwards for me. 

A Not So Magic Trip

I decided to go down to see my mate Tim in Hastings as he had his own place down there. He would constantly tell me that Havelock North had such a great nightlife. We ended up going out on Thursday, recovered watching the footy on Friday. Come Saturday we were hyping it up far too much, bragging that it was time to go out with one last bang. That’s until Tim suggested that it would be a good idea to try magic mushrooms that his dad that picked that morning. Tim’s dad was the most awesome guy, if you could imagine Gandalf from Lord of the Rings, mix him with Willy Nelson and you have Tim’s dad.  We put the mushrooms in the blender with water and coffee; it tasted like dirty old socks with chunks of skin mixed in it. 30 minutes went by and nothing had happened so I ordered the taxi, had a couple more swigs of the disgusting drink and away we went.  Just as we got to town my face started to feel weird and as if it had been numbed with local anaesthetic.  As we entered the first club the whole room seemed a lot brighter than normal but I had no feelings of nausea like Tim’s dad suggested I might. I felt as if I was somewhat in a cartoon, kind of hard to explain. The room seemed to be oblong in shape and finally the distortion hit. The walls seemed to reach out to me and the room seemed to be shrinking, I simply followed my one rule which was to enjoy the trip. I looked at Tim and could see he was tripping out, constantly licking his lips and at the time I thought he was a type of lizard man.  I keep telling myself to remember that it is all in my head and that it will go away. The colours kept getting more intense and they soon had a sort of aura around them, like a rainbow surrounded each and every object I held. Tim suggested going for a walk and feeling adventurous because of the current state of mind we were in, I agreed to tag along. There I was tripping out and marvelling at all the colours and scenery around me. We walked all the way back to Hastings from Havelock, just buzzing out. Cars looked like magic flying beams of light and clubbing was just an afterthought. We got home at 6am and I was in deep thought about nothing. Physically exhausted but my mind racing, I laid down but couldn’t sleep and my brain felt like it was going to explode. That was the last time I do mushrooms, the magic ones!images