Surgeon Date Recap

So these last two weeks have been pretty bloody tough to be honest, my nephew is basically in hospital permanently now which sucks. He is up in Auckland at a hospital called Starship, which is about 3 and a half hours from where I live.Luckily my boss is pretty chill and lets me drive up whenever I ask. 

I met a surgeon up there you in the cafeteria, we got talking and I let her know why I was there and that I was from Tauranga. She mentioned her parents live in Tauranga in a suburb called Matua and that she would be coming down for the weekend. I asked her if she wasn’t too busy if she would like to get a drink when she’s down; she smiles and says of course, yeahhaa boy!

We start texting and Snapchatting for a few days leading up to our Friday date with her even sending a naked snap which was bloody lush. On the Thursday night after she sent the nudie snap we got talking about sex and she asked if I had any fetishes. I must’ve sounded fucking boring as I couldn’t think of any. I asked her if she had any, her reply was weird and not very forthcoming. “I do but most people find it really weird so I don’t tell them until they know me well” she said.

Well fuck me, it could be anything a lot of weird shit started going through my mind. What if it’s poo porn? What if it’s humping a pillow porn, foot porn, shoving things up guy’s arses? – oh God not again.

After pressing her for a bit she wouldn’t reveal what her fetish was so come Friday I was slighty nervous and so was my bung hole. The chemistry was instantly noticeable when we started drinking, me pretending to be dumber than I am, asking stupid questions about surgeries etc. I again asked her what her fetish was but she wouldn’t tell me. After half a dozen shots of tequlia she opened up “I like to masturbate over those Dr Pipple popping videos, please don’t laugh” um what the fuck? Even in my drunken state I knew that was fucked up and all I could say to pretend it wasn’t too fucked was “oh well at least you’re not into poo porn”. I changed the subject pretty swiftly after that revelation.

Come midnight we taxied back to mine and, me being the gentleman and trying to support her fucked-up fetish, I asked her if she wanted to watch one. “Omg yes please if you don’t mind, there is a new one out I haven’t seen where she bursts a massive cyst.” I put the Youtube clip on the TV and she immediately starts fucking me, first with me on top, but she can’t get a good view of the TV. So she jumps on top and reverse cowgirls it. Now picture this fucked up situation; On the TV is a massive fucking cyst on some unwashed fucker’s back getting popped and then look at us, this chick is jumping up and down on my doodle organsming over this filthy shit. No amount of hotness would make me want to do this again but hey she fucking loved it.

After we finished I immediately turn the TV off as she gushed “that was the best sex ever”. All I could say was “that’s nice” because quite frankly that was one of the weirdest bloody things I have ever been a part of! 

Mullys Vasectomy

As I sit looking down at my still bruised balls I can’t help but think did I do the right thing getting a vasectomy at 28…Fuck yes I did!!! I have two girls to a former partner, and recently I got two fucking “I think I might be pregnant” scares from two different ladies, so freezing some juice and getting a vasectomy sounded like a bloody good idea to me!

After the initial consultation where the doctor asks the standard questions like why do you want this and have you though this through, he fucking described in detail how he does the surgery, step by step, snip by snip. That actually nearly made me back out of the whole thing, too much information!

D Day came around quick; I got my dad to drive me to the doctors. The only other time I think I have felt that nervous was right before the tattoo needle went into my penis. I got called into the doctor’s office; he gave me two Valium and put some numbing cream on my balls then back to the waiting room I go to wait for the surgeon to prep and let the Valium take effect.

While waiting, I got myself so worked up and nervous that I felt dizzy as then suddenly Bam! The Valium kicked in and I was happy as Larry. I was called in to surgery and was more than happy to take my pants off, I was in such a non-caring state I probably would’ve let him stick a cheeky finger up my bum and check my prostate, I couldn’t give two fucks, it was great. The surgeon asked me what music, music artist and album I liked to which I said hip hop, Eminem, Marshall Mathers LP. So there I was getting my balls shaved whilst Eminem’s Kill You played in the background, was I high or was this actually happening. Oh it was happening because as soon as the song Stan came on I remember a painful tugging going on down there and being the curious guy that I am, I had to look. As I looked down I saw that the surgeon has pulled out a massive fucking tube thing and was chopping a chunk off it and it fucking hurt! Yeah so he had numbed my balls skin but this fucker hadn’t given me a local injection or anything. “This shouldn’t hurt” he said looking at me a little concerned “well fuck me it does mate!” I replied in pain. I later find out it really CAN hurt depending on a lot of different things. Thinking he was done I let out a sign of relief “Ok and now for the other side” he said “fuck me i thought we were bloody home and hosed” I replied. Thank my lucky stars the other side didn’t hurt at all and just felt like a little pulling sensation. After he was finished he left the room and let me get changed by myself. I lay there for a moment naked feeling like a cheap date that had been told to clean up and get out. I looked down at my poor nuts; the left side was already dark purple.

The next few days after having this done was difficult, every step hurt, sleeping hurt, sitting hurt, not masturbating hurt and sucked. After about a week my balls were swollen… not because of the surgery but because I couldn’t have a bloody crank! Well the first time I did it HURT!! With a mixture of blood and cream shooting out. I immediately ring the doctor and luckily that is normal. You will be pleased to know that last weekend I put it to the ultimate test and I can safely say Mulligan’s back on the horse!