From Crab Tree to Vag Pee

As I sit in this empty diner on my way back from Napier with no reception on my phone I can’t help but laugh at what happened down in Napier. It was my mates 30th and me and his mate have decided to go down there for the weekend.

Now from a shagging aspect this past weekend was shite, the only action I got was from Mrs Palmer and even she was pretty unenthused. It wasn’t as if it was from lack of trying, I was tindering a tonne of girls but everyone either had plans elsewhere or it was that time of the month.

My lucky mate Darren who had flown down from Auckland, found a hottie who was keen to meet up with him at the Sons of Zion concert. So that was us off to the Sons of Zion concert at a vineyard called The Crabtree. Now I don’t usually like New Zealand bands but these guys kicked arse, what made them sound even better was probably the thick cloud of weed smoke that encompassed the crowd. Darren eventually found his chick whom had a couple of mates with her.

Darren and me decided to go back to their place which was situated on the notorious Napier Hills (see one of my first blogs to see why they are so notorious  https://tattooedmulligan.com/2014/08/26/meeting-mountain-women/) Tim wanted to get back to his Mrs so we shared a taxi with him, got off at the Napier hills and he carried onto Tamatea where he lives.

Once we got there we carried on drinking until I comatosed out on the sofa with her dog. Darren and the three girls carried on drinking until two of them went home and him and his girl went to bed. Darren and the girl started getting down and dirty sharing oral with each other, trading a blow job for a finger blast, then Darren thought ‘Fuck it, I’m going to go down on her’ which in my eyes is a cardinal sin to eat out a one night stand, but hey, everyone’s different.

So he starts going to town eating this girl as if she was a 2am bloody kebab, she begins to get wetter and wetter and louder and louder. All of a sudden she lets out a huge moan and boom she cums/pees right down his throat. I awake from my coma to the sound of Darren yakking his guts up, I wander into the toilet and see him fast down in the bowl, “you alright D man?” I ask, no reply, I then wander into her room and I can smell urine. “What happened to Darren?” I ask the girl. “I was cumming” she said in a sad voice “but my bladder was full and I ended up peeing.” EWW WHAT THE FUCK!?!?

Well Darren and me ended up getting the hell out of there and back to Tim’s as fast as we could. In the morning we broke the news to Tim and his partner while they were eating breakfast, Tim choked on a mouthful of coffee…which was more tasty than what poor Darren choked on the night before!!

Welly Date Recap

As I’m lying here watching Orange is the New Black on this cold arse Sunday night I can’t help but laugh thinking about how Tuesday’s date in Wellington went.

The best place to start is at the beginning. I boarded the plane from Tauranga to Welly.  The flight was terrible there was so much turbulence. At one stage I was trying to stand over the toilet taking a slash when whoosh, we hit some fucking turbulence and urine went all over me – bad bloody start to the trip so far. I went back to my seat trying to hide the wet batch from the big ogre dude who I was sitting next to. This ogre bastard took up just under half of my seat too which was another thing on this flight that sucked. Halfway through the flight I thought fuck this I’m going to check if I can switch seat. “No sorry” is what I got from a plastic Barbie doll looking attendant “but you can have another lolly or cookie” why thanks a fucking bunch!!! …. I took the cookie and lolly.

I arrived to my motel around 3pm which was good cause it gave me time to go out and get a box of beers from Pak n Save, drink at the motel, jump on Tinder and hopefully find someone to go out to dinner with. As soon as I passed the aisle of value at Pak n Save I begun to walk through the fruit and vegetable part and that’s when I heard a girl’s voice from over by the potatoes “whoa cool tattoos.” I look up to see if she was talking to me, she was and she looked pretty decent. We got to chatting for about 5 minutes whilst she filled various vegetable displays up. At one point she had a carrot in her hand and began to wank it “you’re really hot by the way but you probably know that” she said continuing to give this lucky bloody carrot the stroking of its life. I asked her if she wanted to go out for a drink, she said yes so I grabbed her number and wondered off to get myself a box of beer.

After polishing off a few beers I gave miss Pak n Save a text seeing where she wants to go for dinner. She suggested Lone Star which sounded fine to me, we agreed on meeting there at 8pm. I had a few more beers, grabbed a uber taxi and headed into Lone Star Restaurant. I waited in the bar part for five minutes as I hadn’t got a reply from her in a while but then thought bugger it I will grab a table in clear view of door so I can wave her over. I’m not sure how long you’re supposed to fucking wait for someone but ten minutes turned into twenty minutes which turned into half an hour, and that’s when I thought fuck I think I’ve been stood up. I was about to text her to see where the hell she was and that’s when she texts me “really sorry, had to work late doing a banana display” a bloody banana display?!?! Are you kidding me!!!!! She explained in more detail saying that her boss made her and she didn’t have her phone until she finished. After a while she actually sent me a picture of the fucking banana display along with a message saying sorry again cheeky bitch.

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I ended up having dinner by myself, I could feel a dozen eyes on me all the time as if all the other patrons at this restaurant knew I had been stood up. The waitress must have even felt sorry for me as she brought me a beer and asked if I was ok. Another lesson learned from this non date, if the girl works at a supermarket; make sure she doesn’t have a fucking banana display to finish. This no show made me feel pretty stink for about 4 days until I thought bugger it – time to get back on the horse. After a few dead ends I met up with a likeminded girl last night, danced the night away and ended up playing hide the sausage at her nanas house with her nana! Ok not with her nana, but I was that horny that if her bloody nana had asked to join in I wouldn’t have turned her away. Could a Granny Date be on the cards next? Who knows but for now I’m gonna get back to Tinder, head refreshed and keep on keeping on.

 

Dominatrix Date Recap

“A welted back, candle burnt doodle and a sore bloody anus” – @Mullied 01/04/2016 That tweet right there sums up my Domintraix Date from this past Friday, fucking painful and every bit as shocking as I had imagined. This women I had met on the NZ dating site, she wasn’t looking for Mr Right. As it turns out she was looking for a whipping boy. Her profile stated she liked to physically dominate men which intrigued me, we got talking and I quickly found out she was a dominatrix. I automatically thought “well fuck this could make for a great live tweet and also a blog”. Little did I know how much some of these dominatrix’s like to punish their poor counter parts.

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After a quick feed from KFC Tauranga (best one around) I went back to my flat and drunk some courage into me and let me tell you it took a lot more than normal for the nervousness of going through with this date.

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So after memorising what the safe words were and making sure not to mix up Grandpa with fucking Uncle, off to her place I went. I was greeted by this forty year old in a full latex get up when I answered the door.

“Get in here, take your clothes off and put on this mask, NOW!” she commanded in character.

“yes madam” I replied, trying to get in the swing of it but feeling like a twat.

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As I entered the room to take my clothes off she had set up the bed with candles and a fucking wet blanket, all I could think was if she is thinking about taking a piss on me I would be out of there quick smart.

“Get on your knees now!” she beckoned “don’t look at me, you have been a naughty boy and now it’s time for a lashing”

She instructed me to bend over the bed, she began whipping me with her leather whip. I would love to say it was nice but she was whipping the fucking shit out of me, even with me saying Aunty (ease up). After a couple of very  brief stops I thought fuck it lets see how sadistic she wants to be “that all I’m getting? thought I was a naughty boy, Grandpa (harder) bitch” I said to her.

“Silence!!! You don’t talk to me with that potty mouth” she said, and with that she wound up her fucking whip and cracked it over my back a dozen times until I had to say Uncle (stop) to her amusement.

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She served me up a drink in a metal cup and forced me to drink it. It tasted strong like a mix between jagermeister, absinthe and pineapple juice, what ever it was made me feel pretty numb. After polishing off the cup she snatched it off me “break times over, now get on all fours on the bed” she said pointing to the bed. So here I was balls dangling freely, hairy arse open for the world to see. After about 5 minutes she comes back in but she’s not alone – she has a big BLACK STRAP ON connected to her costume.

“OH FUCK THAT” I said breaking character

“Silence! This is happening, slowly but surely you are getting this” she said.

I started thinking what the fuck am I doing, what the fuck am I doing?! I feel a cold sensation on my bum; I turn around and she is bathing me in anus relaxant lube!

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“Here it comes” she said in a softer tone

“Arhhhhhh” I yelp, every inch this thing goes in makes me feel more and more like someone is shoving a shit back up my arse that I had just finished crapping out. She then started going back and forth so now it felt like a poo was coming out and then nope nope its going back bloody in. “I can’t take this anymore uncle uncle uncle, get it out” I tell her and thank god she does.

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“You are such a fucking pussy” she said sounding let down at me piking on the black dildo punishment. Without letting me have a break so my arsehole could settle down from the shock of what happened, she spins me around and lays me down on my back. Here we go I thought finally all this fucking punishment is about to pay off. Wishful fucking thinking as she begins to pour hot candle wax on me, starting at my chest she pours the wax down into my belly button and then that’s when it happened. She fucking sneezes and a bit of candle wax gets on my poor little doodle, “ARRRRRHHHHHHH UNCLE, NO FUCK IT, I HAVE HAD ENOUGH” I say, standing up and getting changed

Breaking character she said “Oh that wasn’t supposed to happen, sorry”

“Well it bloody did, I thought you were about to have sex with me not pour hot candle wax over me” I said annoyed at how this night had turned out

“Sex? No no no I don’t have sex with my subjects” she said, well fuck me she could have told me this over Facebook I thought. I picked up my things, thanked her for a weird night and got the fuck out of there as quickly as I could waddle with my arse feeling like it had just been fucked by 100 men.

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Word of advice if you are thinking about getting into the world of Dominatrix – do your research. There are all different types apparently – and a lot of them don’t come with a bloody happy ending as poor old Mully found out.

The next few days my back wept out a lot of blood, luckily a week on its almost finally healed, thank fuck!

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Date Site Date Recap

What a sad week it was last week, my blonde Canadian friend flew back to Canada and I met a girl that smelt like a walking ash tray. Anyway the day was Friday and I jumped onto the NZ Dating website; which is a lot like Tinder but its been around for as long as I can remember. You create a profile and click which category you would like your profile to be found on out of relationships, friendships or sexual meetings. When I think of sexual meetings I think of hot as lonely girls on the net looking for a bit of action. Well after browsing the sexual meeting profiles on this NZ dating site most of them are 50 year old toothless grannys looking for a bloody guy to fill their hot water bottle up and help take their fucking false teeth out in preparation for a gum job, fuck no! After getting hit on by half a dozen hungry grannies I luckily found one that was online that was younger than my mum (usually one of my only standards). We start messaging and the third message in she is talking filthy, she is horny as shit which is kinda no surprise being in the section I found her in. I ask her if she wants to come over as all this sex text messaging bullshit doesn’t really do it for me, she said she would get ask her mum if she can babysit. 5 minutes later she replies she can and #DateSiteDate live twitter tweets were born.

The Recap

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When she arrived she immediately hugged me and I am met with the over powering stench of cigarettes and far too much perfume. The lounge was free as my flatmate had called me a weirdo for inviting her over and had gone to bed. We have a chat to start things off and eventually snuggle while watching a movie. Thinking it was close to hide the sausage time I started feeling her legs a little bit, she whispers to me that she usually doesn’t do this….hmmm does she fucking not know her profile is in the bloody sexual meeting category with her profile name something like “Fuck Kitten” jesus.

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Yup that’s right as the movie continues I look over at her and she has fallen asleep, are you fucking kidding me!!! I know she wasn’t pretending either because she began heavy breathing and almost started snoring, what the hell.

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I facebook  my flatmate and tell her whats happened and she is pissing herself suggesting I change my twitter name to Bore Mulligan, not funny. She agrees to ring my phone so I can wake this tart up, I put the phones volume right up and nestle it right by her ear. “RING RING RING” she hits the fucking roof and its gilorious ‘Oh sorry I must’ve difted off” she says yawning. Trying to hold the laughter in I ask her if she would like to go home to bed, but no no no this little nap must’ve reinvigorated her because the horny bitch I had been talking to online suddenly came out to play. She started rubbing my crotch, she then went in for a kiss with partial sleep breath mixed with tobacco. I felt myself about to dry reach and pulled my mouth off hers and began kissing her neck. Her neck was no bloody better either as it was covered in fucking perfume, writing this on the sofa I can still smell her stench and it still makes me physically ill.

We whipped off our clothes and I immediately spun her around for doggy style; avoiding any more kissing. After we were done she wanted to cuddle but I said I needed to take a shit so with that she went for a tinkle, chucked her undies on and left – thank fuck. Since Friday she has been sending me mean messages. Telling me how bad the sex was trying to critique me, total bullshit to the point that I have decided to send her a link to this blog when posted so she can see it wasn’t all my fault, kind of hard to be in the “lets have great sex”mood when your shag not only falls asleep but smells so bad that not even a dog would sniff her arse.

Blonde Canadian Date Recap

Waking up with a hangover is bad, but waking up and remembering what you did the night before can be the fucking worst – especially with the stench of numerous other peoples urine covering my jeans and shoes. Previously on the life of Mulligan I went on a double date to a water park (https://tattooedmulligan.com/2016/02/22/gettingwetdate-recap/ ) me and the blonde Canadian got on great but my mate Kurt wasn’t her mates cup of tea, which left spending alone time with the Canadian difficult. Luckily she agreed to another date with just me and her for this past Thursday and #BlondeCanadianDate was born!

Before any date it was time to peal back a few cold ones which on a hot day go down exceptionally well, after that it was a shit, shave, shower and the pre date wank/crank.

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Once all of that was done it was time to ring a taxi. I fucking hate taxi’s especially here in Tauranga, they are always late and they don’t have a clue where they are going. This time was no exception, after ordering the taxi and getting an estimated time of pick up being 10 minutes these fuckers didn’t turn up for forty minutes, tossers. What made matters worse is that they stopped at every just turned orange light and pretended they didn’t know where to go, fuck sakes if I said take me to town I’m sure even a non taxi driver would understand where fucking town was!

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When I got to the restaurant the Canadian was visibly annoyed for having to wait but while she was waiting she had sunken quite a few drinks, so it was almost a blessing in disguise as once I had explained what happened she planted a big hello kiss on my lips.

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We ordered drinks and began chatting and joking resuming where we had left things from the previous date. I could tell she was also a bit tipsy as she immediately stated flirting with me by telling me she was moist. Moist is such a creepy word, whenever I hear it I picture sweaty underarms which came to mind when she told me that.

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We continue talking about different things, I ask a lot about Canada which she is happy to tell me about. At one point she asks me if I know what a Canadian Goose is. My initial reply was a native bird, nope she gives me a clue what it is and after a quick google I find out it is something bloody disgusting!

Canadian Goose

You lay a girl down in the middle of the floor naked. you proceed to take a running start diving over her and shitting on her in mid-air. For full effect make a honking sound. – Urban Dictionary
After asking her if that’s what it is, she burst out laughing like a dying goat nodding her head, ” I can’t believe you hadn’t heard of it” she says between skunk laughs. She then brings up how Canadians created maple syrup claiming her and her friends have it on everything from pancake to penises which she says makes for an amazing blow job.
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Dinner finally gets here with another couple of rounds of drinks, at this stage both of us don’t really need anymore, all she has been talking about is sex sex sex, which compared to our last date makes me think she is on her way to drunk city. During dinner it was time for her to quiz me and she asked if I was good at oral to which I said “if it doesn’t smell like an expired roll of fish sushi then yes I think I’m pretty good” this made the goat laugh come back in full force and by god she has a good set of lungs on her as she can laugh fucking loud!

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She continues the sexual talking telling me she wants my willy for dessert but when she said that I didn’t think actually meant that she wanted it right there and then at the restaurant!

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OHHHH SHIT!!! She just asked me outright if I want a shag.

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As I walk into the bathroom she is waiting/pretending to check her makeup just in case I was someone else, we go into the toilet locking the door. We kiss for a bit then she sits on the loo and begins to give me a Canadian blow job minus the maple syrup. During the bj I look down and notice the entire floor  we are standing on is covered in piss which my jeans that were around my feet are soaking up, fuck sake. Too busy to do anything about it I continue to enjoy the oral I was receiving,. She finishes sucking on my Bonita banana and takes her undies off, she then bends over putting her hands on the dirty toilet and tells me to put it in, you don’t have to tell me twice.

I start thrusting back and forth, my feet splashing about in the urine puddle and then it happens, we both hear the door to the bathroom open. We both freeze as we hear footsteps sounding as if they were coming right for us, shit we are getting kicked out I thought. Luckily it wasn’t one of the staff coming to see what the hell we were doing it was just some female going into the toilet next to us. We continue to fuck as quietly as we can, we hear her pee stream begin, thinking that she is just peeing we shag on .Then the unthinkable happens – I hear a fart and then splash, SHES DOING A FUCKING POO!!!!! The Canadian doesn’t even give a fuck. She looks back at me as I’m standing there grossed out, “keep going” she whispers. Another fucking splash, but we keep going.Then the fucking stench begins to wofffle over, fuck sake. I pull my shirt over my nose as I try hard to cum so I can bail out of here, but my pre date wank is making it difficult. Another loud fart and a huge splash ensues, come on mully I think to myself we have to get the fuck out of here as the stench grows stronger. I finally cum as the lady beside us is grabbing for the toilet paper to wipe her arse after the massacre she has left in the toilet. We wait until she is finished and both leave the toilet at the same time. THAT WAS ONE OF THE WORST THINGS I HAVE BEEN APART OF.

 

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We sit back down and quickly finish our drinks as my pants were soaked in urine. She began laughing about what had just happened “I wonder if that lady heard us” she laughed. I don’t know if she heard us but I bloody heard and smelt her destroy the toilet! We get up and say our goodbyes as we both grab different taxi’s going in different directions. Since the date I have made her promise that if we are going to have sex again (which I hope we are because the sex was great) it will be in a bloody bed this time!

 

 

New Years – Cheapskates, Mates and Sandy Dates

What an extremely bizarre News Years it was, I have been really reluctant to blog about it because it was a little too messed up to put into words. But after taking a harden up pill I decided to share with you all – enjoy.

Since Rhythm and Vines was off the cards because my two mates wanted me to pay for them and promised they would pay me back sometime (heard that old chestnut before), I decided against that idea and to head to Ohope beach for the night, which is where a lot of my family are from. Before I went I needed to pick up a present for my Aunty as her birthday is the 31st of December. I stopped off in Tauranga looking around eventually strolling down to where all the pubs are located. “Hello” a foreign sounding voice said. I turned my head and saw two girls sitting at the bar, both looked pretty decent. “You like drink?” they asked. I grab myself a beer and sat down with them.

I couldn’t believe my luck, being asked to come for a beer with two fairly attractive foreigners. I attempted to start a conversation but they did not have a clue to what I was saying. I then started using hand gestures which seemed to do the trick. I got out of them that they were from France and staying in Tauranga next door at the backpackers. After an awkward 5 minutes of smiling and simple conversation like “weather very hot yea” their larger ‘I just walked out of a Zombie casting call’ friend turned up. She looked dead with bags under her eyes larger than her mates fucking tits. Luckily she spoke much better English and told me she had just slept for 20 hours straight suffering from chronic jet lag.

We continue chatting and I notice the original two had not refilled their drinks since I had been there, being the gentleman I am and also thinking fuck me I could do alright here; I brought all three of them a drink. We continue to chat until The Walking Dead extra lets it slip that they all have boyfriends “yeah our boyfriends are all asleep upstairs night now”. Ummmm you fucking what are where. These cheapskate lil shits had invited me for a drink so I could pay for theirs. I could tell the other two weren’t very happy with her as they must have understood what she said, as they gave her the evils probably thinking that they could bleed another couple of drinks out of me. After necking my beer and contemplating drinking their drinks I got up and said “see you later” and that was that.

Not long after that I head to Ohope beach, with the new motorway open it only took an hour 20 to get there. Once I got to my cousins it was cold beer after cold beer, he had been drinking since mid-day so was pretty toasted when I rocked up at 6. We continued drinking with my Aunty and Uncle till around ten, then me and my cousin headed off to the Ohope beach camping grounds. We found a ton of other people drinking there, introduced ourselves and began drinking. I set my eyes on this fairly attractive goth looking chick with piercings all over her face. We struck it off pretty well, she introduced me to her best friend whom she was sharing a tent with – a dude. ‘Oh he’s cute babe” he said to gothy after shaking my hand, thank god he’s an Adam and Steve type of guy I thought.

We carried on chatting for what seemed like a good hour. These two certainly live the alternative lifestyle, telling me how they live up in Auckland and usually squat at homes that are being built or live between friends’ houses. Me and gothy had a New Year’s kiss at the countdown and we all continued chatting and drinking. As it does, the subject of sex came up and gothys gay friend; whose name is Lance, started going on about how great gothy is at giving head. Chiming in she admits she is and loves doing it. Getting all hot and horny she tells me she is going to the toilet inviting me to come, I leap up like a spring chicken. Lance says he needs to go as well; instant cock block I thought. Gothy takes me into the boy’s toilet’s kissing me and grabbing my penis out of my pants like a women possessed. She starts stroking it “you wanna try something fun” she asked “fuck yeah” I replied. Pointing to a make shift glory hole that had been made in the wall she tells me to put my penis in there and she will go into the toilet next door and suck me off. I shove my willy in there as fast as possible and suddenly my penis is getting the best blow job, damn this is some weird shit but it was so bloody good. Suddenly gothy reappears in my toilet but wait a fucking minute this blow job is still happening.

“WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING” I say in a frightened voice.

“Don’t worry” she says fondling my balls. “Just enjoy it”.

“Nah nah, oi stop please” I say to the blow jobber.

I stagger out of the toilet with a full chubby to find fucking Lance on this knees, “boy you seemed to really like that Seany”.

All I could get out of my mouth was “n n nah I didn’t”.

WHAT THE FUCK HAD JUST HAPPENED!!!! These filthy squatters had fooled me into thinking I was getting head from gothy only to find Lance sucking me off.

“Come back and let me finish you” Lance said excitedly.

“No fuck no, you guys tricked me, I’ve got to go” I said, and with that I fucking legged it out of there completely mind fucked as to what had just happened. I ran the half way back to my Aunty and Uncles along the beach leaving my cousin there to fend for himself, realizing how drunk I was and sit down to a rest and end up passing up on the sand dunes.

Well it’s been a few days since New Year’s now and I have processed what happened, another lesson learnt. If you get a blow job from putting your willy through a glory hole make sure you know, or are prepared for who is on the other fucking side!

 

Last Minute Date Recap

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As I started to get ready for a night alone, gearing up to watch the latest wrestling DVD that came in the mail a text came through from a lady I have been messaging for over a month off of Tinder. She was asking if I wanted to go out to get a bite. Feeling slightly lonely after a previous full on weekend with 3 dates I replied with a “sure”. 2So with that it was time to get out of my footy shorts, jump in the shower and meet this lady at a place she wanted to go to called the Citz Club which I had never heard of.

When I got to the place there was an ambulance outside which was just leaving with its lights on, not thinking anything of it I got out of the car and text Chrissy I was here, she explained she was upstairs so I went on in. When I got to the top and peered in I found out exactly what the Citz club was, it was short for Citizens club i.e RSA, bingo club, where old people dine out.

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It wasn’t hard finding which one my date was as she was the only one without fucking grey hair. I went right over to her, she was talking to some old lady whom I found out later was her aunty. With a forced smile I said hello to them both. Once I got Chrissy alone I asked her why the hell did she want to come here for to which she explained its cheap and she used to work here; which are all of the reasons why I wouldn’t go somewhere.

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She was right about the drinks being super cheap and the meals were too, except they looked and tasted like fucking slop.

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The longer we spent here the busier it got with zimmer frame after walking stick filling the bloody room. As for this lady, she was very forth coming asking me a lot of shite. I thought I was getting interrogated at one stage. It was question after question like:

  • How long have you been on tinder?
  • How many people have you met up with off tinder?
  • What made you want to meet up with me?
  • Are you a whore?

Suddenly a voice came over the loud speaker announcing that it was time for the Wednesday waltz. Fuck sake; although it did stop all the questions.

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Now at this stage my phone went flat, I wasn’t prepared for this date so it wasn’t fully charged to begin with. She asked if I wanted to waltz – like fuck. Wanting to make the most of the cheap beers I suggested we go talk to her aunty who worked at the bar. Bad fucking move as I got another round of bloody questions from her aunty, more subtle ones but still. After Chrissy started talking to a couple of the regulars and ended up leaving me with her aunty while she did the waltz, I decided it was time to go. Another couple of lessons learnt for Mr Mulligan. Find out exactly where it is you are dining and sometimes alcohol just can’t save a terrible night.

 

 

 

 

The Morally Wrong Date Recap

Well yesterday I decided to do another Mulligan Live Date tweet session. This would be my third one and to be honest I wanted to do something a little different. Instead of what could be a potentially boring as shite date with boring arse tweets about how great the food is, I wanted to do something a little mean. 12212134_10206988755909243_2033046877_nThat’s where the idea of doing a morally wrong date came up, now I can’t take all the credit for this as my flatmate helped me come up with it and also set me up with one of her friends for a blind date, what a mean friend, great flatmate though!

Anyway here is the recap of the Morally Wrong Date I went on and tweeted about last night enjoy! 12204646_10206988757349279_206653240_n

So we had agreed over text to meet at 6pm at the Pizza Library, so
my first morally wrong act was to turn up late . . twenty odd minutes late. Walking up to her car she didn’t look impressed at all

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We headed into the Pizza Library to order our meals, we ordered one of the huge American style pizzas and I get a beer. When it’s time to pay I haven’t got my wallet on me (morally wrong act number 2) Looking embarrassed she insists she will pay. At this stage I was feeling like a dick and was getting it on social media being called a bully and mean ( I’m really not).

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Now the next thing to do throughout the whole date was to make no conversation, give one word answers and be on my phone the whole time.10575918_10206988757829291_198506399_n I started feeling awful around the time the pizza came out, this was clearly a lovely girl and she was trying so hard to talk to me. After what seemed like a good half an hour I jumped on tinder deliberately and made sure she saw it and fuck me she snapped!! She started having a go at me and while she was I was tweeting the whole conversation . . . until I got a little bit wet.

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She started getting up to leave and I had to bring her in on the secret, at first she didn’t believe me but luckily I had told my flatmate to DM her on Facebook to say it was just a social experiment I was doing on twitter (Social experiment?! fuck me my flatmate made it sound bloody awesome). She laughed and said I was an A hole. We then had a proper date with me buying dessert and then we set off to the pub.

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We had such a good time at the pub with her looking through my twitter feed laughing at all my tweets about our date. 9After sinking about half a dozen beers each (yes she drinks beer! dream girl) she put her hand on mine and suggested I tweet about that which of course I did. Things got a lot steamier from there onwards, we shared a few kisses on the empty balcony at which point I asked her if she wanted to come back to mine for a movie and to my amazement she said yes. This date had come full circle which was a big relief to me as she is such a cool chick.

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Well we got into about a third of the movie in the spooning cuddle p12osition and you know what they say about spooning, it leads to a bloody good forking and that it did! She spent the night at my place with the only downside being that she snored the house down.

Well that was the recap of the morally wrong date, hope you all enjoyed it as much as I did – T Mulligan

Road Trip Night One Hamilton

As I stare at this huge turd floating in my motels bath, a few things begin to cross my mind. How did it get here? Is it mine? It looks like a small person, should I mush it down the baths plug hole? Should I deposited it in to the toilet? Bugger it I think, I’m gonna leave it for the cleaners! Last night was night one of my weekend road trip, first up was Hamilton. Here is a recap of the night that was.

As I pull up to my motel I can’t help but be disappointed by how run down it looks. I booked it off the wotif.com website which is a website that offers awesome discounts on motels across New Zealand (and the world). I didn’t check out the motel on the site, I just saw it said “free breakfast” and “luxury spa bath in unit”. “Fuck yeah!” I thought, bitches love bubbly water :p

As I walk in to the unit, I feel like I had been in the hot tub time machine and been transported back to the frickin’ eighties. The paint job in the unit was a sickly custard colour, the bed is as stiff as my penis is when thinking of a Nicki Minaj booty. The TV is the shitty old tube TV from the late 90’s. Fuck.My.Life. Luckily the spa bath is from this century and looks rather delightful, thank god! After a brief dip, I get ready to go out. Scrolling through tinder I find a girl I had been chatting to a few weeks back, I ask her if she wants to go for dinner and of course she agrees. I wait for her for about five minutes at the Italian restaurant I suggested we go too and finally she walks in or should I say, limps in. She immediately tells me that one of her legs is longer then the other, WHAT THE F is that actually a thing. I brush it off and say its fine and I order a round of tequila. The food is amazing, we start loosening up after the second round of tequila and begin to play footsies. By the third round we began holding hands. Time for the cheque! Dinner cost me $260 so I tell ol limpy that I don’t feel like going to town and ask if she would like to come back to mine, she agrees so off we limp!10814094_10204513197341826_171806622_n

We drink some more at mine on my stiff bed. I went to the toilet and when I get back she is fully naked and legit says to me “bring that monster cock over to me” what the fuck I thought! She hasn’t even seen my cock, for all she knows I could be packing a little cherry o breakfast sausage down there. We do the business and she seems to be on another level of pleasure, each pump I do she is cuming. “Damn I am good” I think to myself. We finish up and say our good byes. As she is walking out, she isn’t limping anymore! “I FUCKED THE LIMP OUT OF HER!!!! MY LOVE MAKING CURES PEOPLE” I think to myself in my drunken state, damn Mullies on fire.

Well that is round one of the my weekend road trip done, next stop Tauranga for round 2!