Shite on the dance floor

Girls don’t like it if ya leave them in the club for long periods of time nor do they like it if ya fart during sex. Well this past weekend both of those things happened last night
I had been messaging this girl for a couple of days off of this new dating app called Bumble (surely whoever made that app could’ve named it something fucking better them bloody Bumble) when I thought fuck I’m getting bored with all this chitchat bullshit, I’ll just ask her out. She said yes, I got her address and promised to pick her up at 10pm that night. Around this time my stomach began playing up, feeling really tight, but thinking it was just indigestion, I thought nothing of it. 

I took her to the rugby flat where several dozen people had congregated earlier to watch the Maori All Blacks play the British & Irish Lions. We started pre-loading before going to town, doing shots of homemade spirits to doing funnels of beer, shit was getting hectic. We all decided it was time to go when my mate Bazza decide to tackle the wall; the wall lost. 

When we got to town the majority of us got declined entry at most places but luckily my mate knew the bouncers on the Bahama Hut nightclub door so in we went. We started dancing or attempting to, the place was packed, my stomach began playing up again. I thought I would let it out with a hard satisfying fart…. 

 

Arhhhhh Sqeeze Arhhhhh

 

PLOOP…. OMG 

 

FUCK

 

I’ve shit myself.

 

I bolt to the bathroom, pushing past people feeling the runny shit dribbling down my inner of my pants. I get to the toilet, pull my pants down and it looks like a fucking bomb had gone off in there. Still pretty drunk and not wanting to cut the night short I grab my soiled undies and take them with me back to the nightclub. Just before I spot my date I drop them on the dance floor and shuffle over to her. “Where have you been!” she wails. “Taking care of some business in the loo” I yell to her over the loud music, “I thought you left me!” she said.

Now back to the soiled undies as we continued to dance I saw these shitty things get kicked to all corners of the fucking club. It was like a beachball at a concert only shittier. Whoever the poor cunt was at the end of the night that had to do clean up I’m sorry.  

I took the girl back to mine with my stomach feeling better after emptying it at the club. We start having sex which by all accounts was great and then it hit me halfway through, I need to fart but I don’t know if a fart is all that will happen. I try holding it which made it worst and eventually it falls out. BURRRRRRRRTTT luckily it was just a fart but it was a loud bastard. “Ewwww get off, you’re disgusting” my date said, getting up and dressed “ring me a taxi”.

All I could think when she left was, I’m glad she didn’t see the shit that happened at the bloody club if she thought a fucking fart was disgusting! 

1st Date of 2016 Blog Recap

 

Ever had to pick dried vomit out of your hair? No? Me neither until waking up from drinking excessively on Sunday. Now usually I remember what I have been up to whilst drinking, hell I usually write notes on my phone when I’m going for a piss throughout the night to make my blog as accurate as possible. But this last Saturday night I got lit up majorly. I found a picture of me hugging some random that I have no recollection of being taken, what’s more bizarre is where the fuck did I get the shirt from?! I was wearing a completely different one during my date and I sure as heck didn’t go home to get changed. Was I abducted by aliens? Sounds farfetched but my asshole was bloody sore the next morning and I know aliens are inclined to anal probe their victims hmmmm. Anyway enough with all that shite and back to recapping my date and sharing with you what happened/what I can remember about the rest of the night.

Being that it was a hot ass day on Saturday I had been having a few quiet ones at home. After sinking half a dozen, I realized that I better not drive so my date agreed to pick me up1               2

When she pulled up I had just been looking over her Tinder profile, yes another one I have met off there. She got out of the car and I thought to myself “fuck is that a mini van getting out of the car?” she was fucking huge compared to her photos. I was in a merry state from the beers so instead of not going on the date I thought bugger it lets go.

2-3mcflurry

After the usual ‘first meeting someone’ chit chat she announces she is craving a mcflurry ice cream as we are almost past the McDonald’s entrance. She jams on the breaks and almost spins the car out trying to get into the drive through, for fuck sake, who does this on the first date? Especially only ten minutes into it.

5              6

We finally get to the restaurant after she gobbles downs her ice cream, I spot a sweet deal on the new export beer – 4 for $20 I get them and we put our order in for dinner. Our gourmet burgers turn up which look great, I tuck into mine and look up to see her sifting through hers. I pick up my phone and take a snap, she is chucking out everything except the egg and the pattie. “What the heck are you doing” I say half joking. “I hate vegetables” she replies. Well fuck me I’m not the biggest fan on certain veges but by Christ she has made a mess, leave it on your plate bro.

9                     newpppp

She insists we get dessert even though she already slayed a fucking ice cream before hand, I asked her if we could share one which is usually a super cute thing I do with a date. She looks sad and agrees we could, we get a chocolate brownie and she goes to town on it. For every one mouthful I have, she has two scoffing it down.

I finish off my last beer and we head off to the nearby pub, at this stage she looks better than she did at the start of the night, beer goggles obviously in full effect now. We grab a drink and set ourselves up on a table by the bar.

rudebitches                        14

After finishing our first drink we head to the bar for another one and I suggest a shot of vodka which she shakes her head at, fuck it two for me then. We head up stairs to the top story to have a drink on the balcony and that’s when I spot her, the fucking rude bitch from the first date I live tweeted (if you have forgotten her here is the link to her date https://tattooedmulligan.com/2015/10/11/live-tweeting-my-date-recap/ ). I have a laugh to myself as she is with a couple of needle dick looking drop kicks and a equally as geeky girl. Wondering if the geek girl was Becca whos texts I read on the last date, ignoring my date and began eavesdropping into there convo. “You want another drink Becca?” one of the nerds said, BOOM! It was the bitch, they hadn’t spotted me so I continued to watch them.

Now here’s when it got a bit hazy as I can’t figure out a few things/place them in order. I remember my date getting fed up with me and leaving and the “I have a sore tummy” excuse. I looked back on my twitter and saw that my last tweet was me chatting to some Canadians, well those bastards flushed another $50 down the drain of mine in the form of tequila shots. The next thing I remember is drunkenly walking up to Becca and saying something along the lines of “fuck you geek” not my finest insult ever. After the insult I remember walking out of the bar and into another one and from there on in I can’t place myself anywhere apart from a club over the bridge in Tauranga from a photo. I must say I became semi aware of my surrounding when I chucked my guts out right on the water front next to a car of two young love birds trying to enjoy a quick shag, soz. While I remember throwing up I don’t recall dipping my bloody hair into the vomit, fuck my life! Well that’s it from my date next time I will make sure my drunk self keeps notes.

 

 

 

 

Black Eyed Shagga 

After playing a brutal rugby tournament last Saturday which included yours truly scoring a great try, the sweet sound of beer bottles cracking open was music to my ears. After sinking at least half a dozen in the changing rooms I jumped in a mini van full of us boys and headed off to a house to continue drinking. 

Everything was going great, all us guys analysing the game we had just played, each of us trying to put our two cents in on how if we had played differently we could have won the whole tournament. Suddenly I remembered that none of them had seen my tattoo I have recently gotten of my one millionth Twitter follower which turned out to be @BieberFeverrr16, obviously a Justin Bieber fan. Well me being me and not thinking twice I begin to parade my new tattoo off to everyone. One thing that fucks me off is when your in a group of people, there is always a couple of them that ignore you when your talking or showing something, it grates on my nerves. So thinking one of the boys was deliberately ignoring me (which he bloody was!) I thrust my arm in his face “seen my new tattoo mate” and the next thing I know I’m waking up on the ground with an extremely sore face. The wanker had punched me in the face and knocked me out, I look up from the ground feeling pretty dazed and confused to a couple of the boys pushing him back and asking why he did that for. I remember him saying “I fucking hate Justin Bieber, thats the stupidest thing I have ever seen, and he put it right in my face”. I get up holding my face “what the fuck bro?” I say to him. He glanced over at me realising what he had done and suddenly became really apologetic. We managed to hug it out just before the taxi to town got there. 

With a puffed up cheek I was pretty reluctant to go to town but I thought buggar it i’ll go. Now this might be hard to believe but I got more attention from girls than ever before! “aww your poor face” “are you ok” “what happened!?” are just a few comments from girls I got at the club. Who would of thought getting whacked in the head would be such a great opener to talk to girls! Well I ended up turning a negative of getting punched in the face into a  positive by scoring a pretty nice looking chick. I shagged in her the night club toilets as she didn’t wanna ditch her friends. Funny how she said “I can’t hear you over this music, lets go in here and talk”. I can tell you right now that there wasn’t any fucking talking that took place, because when the door shut she whipped down my pants faster then I could string the sentence “what do you wanna talk about” together. 

Well thats it from this black eyed shagga, thanks so much for reading and remember when something appears to be bad it can always turn itself into some good 😊

The Lil Guy Stole My Girl!

“Sorry you lot can’t stay here” the owner of the backpackers began to explain “you broke the window last time and were far too loud, we had numerous complaints from other guests”. Shit! I thought, this weekend in Taupo couldn’t have started any worse. We weren’t allowed to stay at that backpackers, so we had to go across the road and booked into the more expensive one. Unlike our usual backpackers this one doesn’t have a balcony so me and the boys are left to drink in our room.

I brought a packet of cards so we started playing circle of death/four kings in our room. It wasn’t long until I got dared to do something stupid. My mate Jase dared me to streak down the hallway and take the lift naked. So off I went balls dangling everywhere. I pressed the lift button to go up as I thought there would be a better chance nobody would be waiting to get on, as there was only one floor above us and three below us. Oh how wrong I was! The doors open and three poor Asians were standing there with a look of sheer terror on their faces. I thought ‘sweet surely they won’t get on the lift with me’ nope they got on. So there I was cupping me privates while these three Asians hugged the opposite site of the lift. That was the most awkward lift ride I have ever had!

We got ready for town and off we went. I noticed this little kid in one of the clubs “how the fuck did he get in here” I thought. On a closer look it realized it wasn’t a kid at all, it was a midget. Now to this day I do not know the acceptable term to call them so if you do, send me a tweet @mullied. I will refer to him as “the lil guy” from here on in. I grab a drink and begin to dance in a semi-circle with the guys. Scanning the dance floor I spot a group of girls and set my sights on one beautiful looking girl with blonde hair. As a group we start dancing our way over to their group. Everything starts to go well, she yells in my ear over the music that she likes my tattoos; I shout back that I’m a tattooist.;) We continue dancing and buying their group drinks and shots. I go to the toilet and when I come back the girl I was dancing with is dancing with the lil guy. Huh, what the fuck?! I immediately make my way over to my groups who have kinda been shunned to the side. This lil guy is busting out all the moves, doing the worm, spinning around and the girl was with is loving it. I start dancing beside her but she straight pie faces me and continues to dance with the lil guy. I feel like drop kicking this lil shit out the door but instead I buy him a drink and cheers him on his good dancing. The last I see of him is him getting in a taxi with the group of girls that we were dancing with, he glanced back at us guys and gave as the thumbs up the, lil buggar! “Well that sucked” Jase announced to all of us. “No it doesn’t” I said “it’s not every day you get a girl stolen off you by a dwarf, plus we still got the strip club to go to!”. So off to the strip club we went!

FIGHT FOR LIFE BLOG

TONIGHTS THE NIGHT!!! Its the Fight For Life Boxing event live on Sky PPV, and for the first time ever its being held in my old shagging ground Hamilton!

I have been to Fight for Life a couple of years ago when they held it in Auckland and it was awesome. If you don’t know these Fight for Life boxing events are done to raise money for charity. This year i believe its the Hospice Waikato charity.

Last time I went Christian Cullen fought my favourite league player ever – Issac Luke. There was a van load of us boys from our local rugby team that headed up. The event was awesome, top to bottom the card was stacked with awesome fights. My favourite fight of the night though had to be the womens fight between Hayley Holt and Paige Hareb. These girls slugged it out and gave it their all and the crowd went nuts! Tonights fight between Millie Elder-Holmes and Frankie Adams is going to be awesome.

After the event all us boys went to town to go clubbing. We were all pretty liquored so I decided to get the boys to give me a black eye which they reluctantly agreed too. About four of them lined up and swung away at my face. Three of them connected sweetly but the fourth guy was wasted and whacked me square in the nose. Blood started seeping out everywhere, SHIT!! I was so pissed off but I couldn’t really blame my mate though it was my own stupid idea after all. So there I was in town black eye and all. Suddenly all these girls kept coming up to me and asking if I was alright. My response was “yeah i’m fine, i’ve just been in a boxing fight earlier on”. The girls bloody loved it, was a great talking point and to be honest, it got me pretty lucky 😉

Anyway! Fight For Life is on tonight, book it on Sky PPV or come to Hamilton to watch it live. You definitely won’t be disappointed! Just if you go out in Hamilton afterwards and decide to go home with someone, wear protection. They don’t call Hamilton the chlamydia capital of New Zealand for fun! IMG_0028.JPG

My Birthday Blog!

This past weekend was my birthday so off to Hamilton I went! I give Hamilton a lot of grief, but to be honest nothing beats its night life. (Queenstown and Dunedin come close) When I look back at this weekend I feel like I did a shit load of observing. Usually I’m so drunk and focused on one thing – chatting up girls. Although that was obviously on my mind I couldn’t help but watch what other people were doing while they were out on the town.

My mates and I got into town at 11pm, since it was my birthday we went to the Sky City Casino! The first time you go to a Casino the shiny lights make it feel like you have walked into Emerald City. It looks amazing and so fancy. After a few visits you start to notice little things like at least fifty percent of the clientele are either people on welfare using all their money up, or people that can’t stop gambling. The other fifty percent of the clientele are Asians. It just feels like a sad, sad place to be for too long. Anyway after the machines had chewed about one hundred dollars of my money I decided to go to the bar and get a drink. I got the cheapest beer they had on tap after feeling dejected for wasting so much. Suddenly this lady came up to me and asked if I had seen her purse. I said no, and suggested she go check with security. She then yelled out to the bartender and told him that she had seen a girl with his uniform come up and take her purse; this was when it started to get weird. The barmen told her that if any of them had seen an abandoned purse they can’t touch it until security gets there so that’s impossible. To be honest the bartender was a bit of a prick which added fuel to this ladies fire. Annoyed with his answer this 40 year old women now gets up on the bar and starts screaming, asking if anyone has seen her purse. Out of nowhere the security pops up along with the police whom must have been doing a walkthrough as they normally do. The police grab her and arrest her, ‘what the fuck’ I thought, that’s pretty harsh. I asked the security guard why they arrested her – turns out that security had found her bag filled with meth, syringes and the lady’s I.D, that’s why she was freaking out.

I went back and found my mates, one of which had won the mini jackpot of four hundred and fifty dollars. I convinced him not to waste it and off to The Hood night club we went. The place was packed and pumping. My mate who won all that money was just splashing it out on drinks for all of us, shots round after round. I start talking to these two British chicks (love the Brits!). We start chatting and dancing together. Everything is going so good; I’m kissing both of them feeling like a total stud.  We grab another round of shots and drinks and continue dancing.  Suddenly I smell what I thought was a really, really disgusting fart. Thinking nothing of it I continue dancing till a few people stop and start smelling it too. “What the Fuck” one of the girls I’m dancing with shrieks looking down at her feet, some dirty bugger has taken a massive shit on the dance floor. I start to pray hoping my shoes haven’t got any on them but yup, there is poo in the crevices. There is shit everywhere mushed and stomped around the club. Most of the club leaves after people start looking down at their shoes; I can’t get to the two British backpackers in time as they hurry into the nearest taxi – fuck! Whoever took a shit on the dance floor has cock blocked me with their fucking feces. Admitting defeat I grab a taxi and head back to my mates place and crash not before chucking my shoes in the bin outsid, yuck!

Well that’s it from me, I got my birthday kiss from not one, but two babes. Good times, but to whoever shat on the dance floor I hope you went and wiped after!

Shes Got A BF

Its Saturday 18/10/2014. I’m heading to Hamilton to visit my rugby mates having a party and then were hitting the clubs. After a week of sunshine the heavens decide to open up and put a slight damper on the occasion. I get to my mates, before I can get out of the car I am being offered a beer. We start drinking at 2pm, its nice being back hanging out with the boys chatting the usual crap about girls and rugby. By 7pm the drinking games had started. ‘The circle of death’ was the name of the game also commonly known as ‘4 kings’. The game is pretty simple, an empty cup is placed in the middle of a circle of playing cards placed face down. The last king card to be revealed means the player must skull whatever has been poured in the cup. Each other card has a rule that is predetermined before the game starts. One of the cards this time was a dare card, so of course I get dared to do something stupid. My mate Ropata decided to dare me to strip naked and knock on the next door neighbour’s house and ask if they were looking for a good time. GREAT! Not one to back down from a dare I go to the toilet touching my dick to make it look half respectable. BOOM got a semi hard on going. I walk back down to the garage; my mates are laughing their heads off. I step out on the pavement looking over to the next door neighbour’s house. My heart starts racing, I hope these neighbours are hot girls! Feeling like a complete creep I walk over to the house. I look back and all my mates are out of the garage looking at what was about to happen. I knocked, I could hear some footsteps, and here we go I thought. The door opens and a middle aged Indian man is standing there. SHIT! I thought not hot girls. “Are you looking for a good time big boy” I shout at this bewildered man, shaking my bum so everything was jiggling down there. “Get the bloody hell out of here” he screams in his strong Indian accent. I take off back to the garage where everybody is in tears of laughter.

We continue playing this game till it’s time to get ready for town. As we get to town it’s hard not to notice all the new clubs and pubs. It seems every year here in Hamilton at least half a dozen places change their names for one reason or another. We head straight to Agenda wanting to have a dance. The place is pumping with girls hardly wearing anything and guys perving from every direction.  We stay here until about 2am then heading to The Outback. We hit the dance floor where I start dancing with this extremely hot blondie. We starting getting pretty into it, I starting touching her bum and we started kissing when suddenly I get turned about and SMACK, I get decked.  “That’s my fucking girlfriend” a huge looking guy shouts down at me. I’m still on the ground when he starts to kick me. Luckily by this stage my mates have seen what has happened and push him off me, giving me enough time to get up. Pushing them out of the way I punch him as hard as I can in the head, his nose literally explodes like a pimple with blood gushing out everywhere! My mates grab me yelling “we got to go, bouncers are coming”, we head out the side door where luckily a taxi is waiting. I dive right in and we head home still slightly shaken up with what had just transpire. I feel sad for the dude whose girlfriend blatantly couldn’t care less about him. Moral of this story for me is, if she looks really hot ask if she has a boyfriend…and if she does, is he here!

Why I hate blow jobs

Blow jobs; what guy doesn’t love a girl creating magic down there with her lips, mouth and if you’re lucky her throat 😉 Well sadly I don’t like them, it’s not really the fact I don’t like them per say, it’s that…well after this next story I share you might have a better understanding as to why. I have just found my old iPhone which has sparked this story from reading through old texts.

It was summer time here in New Zealand, it was January 2009. Girls were looking for summer lovin’ and I was more than happy to be multiple girls’ summertime fling. Single Ladies by Beyoncé was the number one song in the country which was great as when that song came on in the club it was so easy to spot the single girls. They’d be the ones waving their arms about asking for someone to put a ring on it. That’s not me love, but thank you for helping me out by letting me know you’re single.

Each year when I lived in Hamilton I would spend a month of summer in Tauranga at my parents. Hamilton nightlife was dead with university over for the year. At the same stage Tauranga town experiences it’s busiest two months of the year with all the uni kids back an of coarse all the tourists that flock in their masses to be by the beautiful beach.

One night I went out with two of my cousins that had come over from Australia who I hadn’t seen in a few years. We had been going bar to bar and they were really impressed by how I could pull the girls. I had hooked up with a few girls but nothing too great – that was until we entered the Bahama Hut night club. Soon Beyoncé’s single ladies came on, I spotted my pray busting out some ridiculous dance moves. I pounced; coming in with my dice shaker moves. Here’s a quick tip, if you know that they know that you know that your making a dick out of yourself by dancing and you get them to laugh your already at first base! She was a hot looking brunette, she looked around 20 years old and I could tell by her glassy eyes that she was as drunk as I felt. I waited for the song to finish and I quickly whispered in her ear that I thought she was hot.  Touching her arm I pulled away giving a sheepish smile and that’s all it took! After about another half a song we were playing tonsil hockey. I looked over at my two cousins and they gave me the big thumbs up. I took her up to the bar where we sunk a good half dozen shots. At this stage I was completely wasted, somehow we ended up in the girl’s toilet. She started speaking and I noticed she had a British accent, I love accents. She ordered me to take my pants off, I took them off and she started giving me head. It hurt so much she was using her teeth so much every suck it got worse. I was too wasted to tell her to stop but it felt like she was grating my dick in her mouth. All of a sudden she began to slow down the back and forth motion of the blow job. As I looked down I could see she was beginning to coma out, I began to lean back pulling my penis away from her but as I did she was falling back against the wall to coma. She bit down on my dick! Fortunately I had successfully pulled most of it out but I couldn’t get the tip out in time. As her teeth penetrated through the flesh of my cock I let out the biggest scream. I shook her head to wake her and luckily she immediately came to. I looked down at my best friend (not the girl, my penis!) and it had teeth holes in with dark dark blood beginning to ooze out. I snapped out of my drunken state and took off into the boy’s bathroom. My poor penis was so sore; I stuffed some toilet paper down my undies to form a makeshift nappy, grabbed my cousins and taxied home.

It took ages for my penis to heal and it was so painful whilst it tried to form a scab. Since then I have never trusted another girl with my penis in their mouth, if I did they have to be stone cold sober. I just have to look down and see the tooth scars on my mate to support my decision!