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How To Date 2021

After being in a rather long relationship recently it’s time to lose some of that “I’m in a relationship lets fucking eat” weight and get back on the horse.

Stepping back into the dating scene now in my early 30’s at first had been a bit shit. I’m at the age were girls in their early 20’s only wanna look at ya if they’re into that stepdad z wanting a relationship. This last girl I meet halfway through the date asked me “so what are we?” What do you mean what are? we are having our first bloody date. I am pretty sure she would have said yes if I got down on one knee. In fact when I went down to tie my sure I’m pretty sure she said “yes”. God help me

So after downloading tinder for what feels like the hundredth time, I got told by my younger gen y’ers friends that tinder was lame as shite now. So, after taking their advice I did what I envisaged myself doing when I’m old and wrinkly I went and sat at a bar.

Now let’s not make this out as sad as it sounds, I had a wing man. So basically at least 3 nights a week we would go and have a couple of beers at a nice pub in Mount Manganui. If it wasn’t busy, we would leave, but we would partake in quiz nights and jump in teams with new people, It was practically being social without the media.

Not long into it I began talking to a few girls and then we started following each other on insta or snap. They had already seen me in person and I had seen them, so there was never that tinder cringe where you meet someone off tinder and they’re supposed to look like Harry Potter but turn up looking like fucking Voldemort (sorry just been binging harry potter)

Tinder, bumble, hinge or whatever are good, definitely if you’re somewhere in the world where covid is bad but luckily here in New Zealand bars and clubs are open to capacity. So, if you are currently somewhere where you can go to the pub put your social media down and go out and be social you will meet some real cool singles that don’t do that online dating. It is like a whole new world of girls and its bloody great.

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Lockdown Sex

As her cool lips touched tip of my penis I couldn’t help but think how naughty this was. I was not only in lockdown but i was in self isolation, if people even knew what I was doing they wouldn’t be too happy. Especially my parents, they would be disappointed, the worst word a parent can say to you. I thought fuck it and let my primal urges take over, flicking the power button on I let my mums vacuum cleaner suck my worries away.

Now before you file one of those reports to the police stating Mr. Mulligan flouted the locked down rules and saw someone out of his bubble WRONG. Well, unless the vacuum cleaner is someone else that is. This lockdown here in New Zealand has been an absolute killer for a single guy. Coming on 5 weeks of not seeing anyone outside your own house makes me wish I was in a relationship. There is only so many chicks with dicks videos available on pornhub to watch. Speaking of pornhub, I gotta give a massive salute to them for giving everyone a 1 month subscription to pornhub premium, holy moly that shit is good!

Tinder and Bumble here in New Zealand have had an injection of new lonely girls. I have talked to a bloody tonne but when push comes to shove none wanna meet up until lockdown is over. I mean hey its good and all but when you are chatting to em on one hand and have you penis in the other, flouting the rules of lockdown does cross ya mind a hell of a lot.

Call girls have evolved with the corona times, a number of them offering phone sex, snapchats and keep videos. I texted 3 of them for investigation purposes for this blog to see if any would be willing to shag under lockdown. Shockingly one agreed to but insisted on being paid at least 3 times her normal wage. Fair enough too she would be putting herself at risk from the authorities and also contracting corona. If you are wondering no I didn’t see her, $1450 was a bit too bloody steep.

I hope everyone is doing as well as they can with these crazy times. Lets pray a vaccine can be found asap so we can all get out and about and have fun without catching anything other thing a bit of chlamydia!