The Lil Guy Stole My Girl!

“Sorry you lot can’t stay here” the owner of the backpackers began to explain “you broke the window last time and were far too loud, we had numerous complaints from other guests”. Shit! I thought, this weekend in Taupo couldn’t have started any worse. We weren’t allowed to stay at that backpackers, so we had to go across the road and booked into the more expensive one. Unlike our usual backpackers this one doesn’t have a balcony so me and the boys are left to drink in our room.

I brought a packet of cards so we started playing circle of death/four kings in our room. It wasn’t long until I got dared to do something stupid. My mate Jase dared me to streak down the hallway and take the lift naked. So off I went balls dangling everywhere. I pressed the lift button to go up as I thought there would be a better chance nobody would be waiting to get on, as there was only one floor above us and three below us. Oh how wrong I was! The doors open and three poor Asians were standing there with a look of sheer terror on their faces. I thought ‘sweet surely they won’t get on the lift with me’ nope they got on. So there I was cupping me privates while these three Asians hugged the opposite site of the lift. That was the most awkward lift ride I have ever had!

We got ready for town and off we went. I noticed this little kid in one of the clubs “how the fuck did he get in here” I thought. On a closer look it realized it wasn’t a kid at all, it was a midget. Now to this day I do not know the acceptable term to call them so if you do, send me a tweet @mullied. I will refer to him as “the lil guy” from here on in. I grab a drink and begin to dance in a semi-circle with the guys. Scanning the dance floor I spot a group of girls and set my sights on one beautiful looking girl with blonde hair. As a group we start dancing our way over to their group. Everything starts to go well, she yells in my ear over the music that she likes my tattoos; I shout back that I’m a tattooist.;) We continue dancing and buying their group drinks and shots. I go to the toilet and when I come back the girl I was dancing with is dancing with the lil guy. Huh, what the fuck?! I immediately make my way over to my groups who have kinda been shunned to the side. This lil guy is busting out all the moves, doing the worm, spinning around and the girl was with is loving it. I start dancing beside her but she straight pie faces me and continues to dance with the lil guy. I feel like drop kicking this lil shit out the door but instead I buy him a drink and cheers him on his good dancing. The last I see of him is him getting in a taxi with the group of girls that we were dancing with, he glanced back at us guys and gave as the thumbs up the, lil buggar! “Well that sucked” Jase announced to all of us. “No it doesn’t” I said “it’s not every day you get a girl stolen off you by a dwarf, plus we still got the strip club to go to!”. So off to the strip club we went!

My Birthday Blog!

This past weekend was my birthday so off to Hamilton I went! I give Hamilton a lot of grief, but to be honest nothing beats its night life. (Queenstown and Dunedin come close) When I look back at this weekend I feel like I did a shit load of observing. Usually I’m so drunk and focused on one thing – chatting up girls. Although that was obviously on my mind I couldn’t help but watch what other people were doing while they were out on the town.

My mates and I got into town at 11pm, since it was my birthday we went to the Sky City Casino! The first time you go to a Casino the shiny lights make it feel like you have walked into Emerald City. It looks amazing and so fancy. After a few visits you start to notice little things like at least fifty percent of the clientele are either people on welfare using all their money up, or people that can’t stop gambling. The other fifty percent of the clientele are Asians. It just feels like a sad, sad place to be for too long. Anyway after the machines had chewed about one hundred dollars of my money I decided to go to the bar and get a drink. I got the cheapest beer they had on tap after feeling dejected for wasting so much. Suddenly this lady came up to me and asked if I had seen her purse. I said no, and suggested she go check with security. She then yelled out to the bartender and told him that she had seen a girl with his uniform come up and take her purse; this was when it started to get weird. The barmen told her that if any of them had seen an abandoned purse they can’t touch it until security gets there so that’s impossible. To be honest the bartender was a bit of a prick which added fuel to this ladies fire. Annoyed with his answer this 40 year old women now gets up on the bar and starts screaming, asking if anyone has seen her purse. Out of nowhere the security pops up along with the police whom must have been doing a walkthrough as they normally do. The police grab her and arrest her, ‘what the fuck’ I thought, that’s pretty harsh. I asked the security guard why they arrested her – turns out that security had found her bag filled with meth, syringes and the lady’s I.D, that’s why she was freaking out.

I went back and found my mates, one of which had won the mini jackpot of four hundred and fifty dollars. I convinced him not to waste it and off to The Hood night club we went. The place was packed and pumping. My mate who won all that money was just splashing it out on drinks for all of us, shots round after round. I start talking to these two British chicks (love the Brits!). We start chatting and dancing together. Everything is going so good; I’m kissing both of them feeling like a total stud.  We grab another round of shots and drinks and continue dancing.  Suddenly I smell what I thought was a really, really disgusting fart. Thinking nothing of it I continue dancing till a few people stop and start smelling it too. “What the Fuck” one of the girls I’m dancing with shrieks looking down at her feet, some dirty bugger has taken a massive shit on the dance floor. I start to pray hoping my shoes haven’t got any on them but yup, there is poo in the crevices. There is shit everywhere mushed and stomped around the club. Most of the club leaves after people start looking down at their shoes; I can’t get to the two British backpackers in time as they hurry into the nearest taxi – fuck! Whoever took a shit on the dance floor has cock blocked me with their fucking feces. Admitting defeat I grab a taxi and head back to my mates place and crash not before chucking my shoes in the bin outsid, yuck!

Well that’s it from me, I got my birthday kiss from not one, but two babes. Good times, but to whoever shat on the dance floor I hope you went and wiped after!

Wrong Time To Fart

Wow, what a weird weekend it was. As I sit in the laundry mat today waiting for my sheets to wash. I continue to get texts from the girl I took home on Saturday apologising for what transpired that night. Wasn’t that much of a big deal to me but at the same time it was pretty funny so I thought I would share.

It’s the long weekend here in New Zealand and the weather is mint. My flatmates are away and my Hamilton crew are coming over. The first Corona is popped at 2pm and the Mexican beer continues to flow into the late evening. We play the four kings drinking game like usual and I finally get my revenge on my mate who made me knock on his neighbour’s door naked last weekend. I get the dare card, I have already decided what to dare my mate to do which is to shave one of his eyebrows off. He reluctantly agrees, this makes my job that much easier tonight in the clubs as he is usually my biggest competition but with now only one eyebrow his chances to pull have dramatically decreased.

We get to the clubs around 11pm going straight to the Bahama Hut which is sadly the only place that is really any good anymore here in Tauranga, even though 60% of the place is usually packed with spotty teenage boys that have just turned 18. After sifting through all the pus bucket males I find a group of attractive girls dancing in the corner. I tap my one eye browed mate on the shoulder and we walk-dance over to them. Not having to say anything the hotter girl of the group grabs my tattooed arm “oh my god I love your tattoos” she shouts over the music. I undo my collared shirt to show her my art on my chest. She loves it, I ask her for a dance and we continue dancing and drinking till the end of the night.

Against all odds Mr One Eye brow has pulled one of the group as well. They agree to come home with us to continue the party. We jump in the spa when we get home continuing to drink and finally I kiss my one, she loves it. With a few of the other boys in the spa it was a bit crowded so I convinced her we should get out because I was “getting tired”.

As we got into my room she threw me on the bed. Things heated up quickly, she proceeded to go down on me. She was so great at what she was doing down there. I started relaxing every muscle in my body enjoying what was happening which made me fart underneath the covers. I have those heavy winter sheets on my bed and she was trapped! She wriggled and wriggled trying to get out but the stench got to her and she ended up throwing up on my floor, sheets and clothes. She made such a loud noise that it attracted all the attention from my mates whom had gotten out of the spa at this stage. Bursting into my room they immediately asked if everything was ok, before I could say anything she said “he farted, I couldn’t get out and I spewed everywhere, I’m so sorry”. I’m not sure why she was sorry as it was my ass that did the damage. After a quick clean-up we went back to bed to sleep. What a weird way to finish a great night. In the morning we finally had sex which was great.  I took her home, she kept apologizing for spewing everywhere but I told her it wouldn’t have happened if I hadn’t dropped a bomb in bed.

Well that’s all from my weekend escapades, have a great week and remember – Play hard, shag harder!

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Shes Got A BF

Its Saturday 18/10/2014. I’m heading to Hamilton to visit my rugby mates having a party and then were hitting the clubs. After a week of sunshine the heavens decide to open up and put a slight damper on the occasion. I get to my mates, before I can get out of the car I am being offered a beer. We start drinking at 2pm, its nice being back hanging out with the boys chatting the usual crap about girls and rugby. By 7pm the drinking games had started. ‘The circle of death’ was the name of the game also commonly known as ‘4 kings’. The game is pretty simple, an empty cup is placed in the middle of a circle of playing cards placed face down. The last king card to be revealed means the player must skull whatever has been poured in the cup. Each other card has a rule that is predetermined before the game starts. One of the cards this time was a dare card, so of course I get dared to do something stupid. My mate Ropata decided to dare me to strip naked and knock on the next door neighbour’s house and ask if they were looking for a good time. GREAT! Not one to back down from a dare I go to the toilet touching my dick to make it look half respectable. BOOM got a semi hard on going. I walk back down to the garage; my mates are laughing their heads off. I step out on the pavement looking over to the next door neighbour’s house. My heart starts racing, I hope these neighbours are hot girls! Feeling like a complete creep I walk over to the house. I look back and all my mates are out of the garage looking at what was about to happen. I knocked, I could hear some footsteps, and here we go I thought. The door opens and a middle aged Indian man is standing there. SHIT! I thought not hot girls. “Are you looking for a good time big boy” I shout at this bewildered man, shaking my bum so everything was jiggling down there. “Get the bloody hell out of here” he screams in his strong Indian accent. I take off back to the garage where everybody is in tears of laughter.

We continue playing this game till it’s time to get ready for town. As we get to town it’s hard not to notice all the new clubs and pubs. It seems every year here in Hamilton at least half a dozen places change their names for one reason or another. We head straight to Agenda wanting to have a dance. The place is pumping with girls hardly wearing anything and guys perving from every direction.  We stay here until about 2am then heading to The Outback. We hit the dance floor where I start dancing with this extremely hot blondie. We starting getting pretty into it, I starting touching her bum and we started kissing when suddenly I get turned about and SMACK, I get decked.  “That’s my fucking girlfriend” a huge looking guy shouts down at me. I’m still on the ground when he starts to kick me. Luckily by this stage my mates have seen what has happened and push him off me, giving me enough time to get up. Pushing them out of the way I punch him as hard as I can in the head, his nose literally explodes like a pimple with blood gushing out everywhere! My mates grab me yelling “we got to go, bouncers are coming”, we head out the side door where luckily a taxi is waiting. I dive right in and we head home still slightly shaken up with what had just transpire. I feel sad for the dude whose girlfriend blatantly couldn’t care less about him. Moral of this story for me is, if she looks really hot ask if she has a boyfriend…and if she does, is he here!

Sex Toys

Ever felt like purchasing a sex toy? Maybe as a gift to the girlfriend, or maybe just for yourself. I hate going into the seedy adult stores here in New Zealand, having to awkwardly look around while getting stared at by in most cases, a creepy old man behind the counter.

I remember the first time using a dildo on a girl, I had just picked her up from town I would have been about 18. We both basically stumbled onto each other outside The Grumpy Mole night club in Tauranga. After a few pleasantries followed by a couple of dances, then topped off by a back draft shot we jumped in a taxi and headed for hers, standard type of night for Mr Mulligan! We got back to her place and proceeded to do the drunken bump n’ grind, I noticed she wasn’t that into it for some reason. I asked her what was wrong; she insisted nothing but asked if her friend could join us. “Yeah of course” I replied. I jumped off her beaming with excitement thinking she was going to yell out to her girl flatmate to come join us but that wasn’t the case. She rummaged through her drawers and came back to the bed with what looked like a massive wobbly looking arm, at second glance I realised it was a big black dildo! She put it in my hand and told me to use it on her, my porn knowledge came into effect here and I went for it. The bloody thing was at least three times bigger than my penis, I felt embarrassed but at the same time she loved the big black dildo. After she climaxed she told me to hop back on and cum but I declined as I didn’t feel like throwing my penis down a hall way that the big dildo had made, plus I felt pretty inadequate.

That was my first experience, my next came when I got given a blow up sheep as a present for my 21st. It was a joke present but I thought I would give it a go. So once my flat mates had gone to the gym I blew that sheep up, lubed it, got on all fours and started rooting that plastic sheep! I guess it’s true what Australians say – we kiwis are sheep lovers deep down. That was probably my lowest point of my life, try to picture my mate’s faces if they had come in and seen me with my pants down, fucking a plastic sheep. That would have been a pretty horrific scene to walk in on, and hard to explain.

From then up until now I’ve played with all different types of sex toys on girls. Dildos, vibrators, butt plugs and on one occasion anal beads .Although all of this was great I wanted something for myself. How come girls get all the fun and I only get my dumb hand? I started googling and came onto these things called Fleshlight’s. Picture a big looking flashlight casing; unscrew the top to find a flesh-like vagina, anus or mouth. I ended up getting one sent to me, when it arrived it was like Christmas! I couldn’t wait to try it. I got the Kayden Kross one which had been specially shaped like her actual vagina. I lube it up and begin using it. It legit feels like the really thing, 30 seconds go by and I’m all done. I have finally found something better than my trusty hand. Way better! Here is a tip though, remember to clean them out, nothing worse than two day old cum smell!

Well that’s all from me on sex toys. Make sure to check out: https://www.fleshlight.com/ for a range of awesome toys, and if you like my blog buy a Tattooed Mulligan T shirt from: http://bit.ly/1vHsP3z all profits going to the New Zealand Cancer Society. Thanks everyone, see you next Monday. #PlayHardShagHarder.