Italy!!

“Oh my fucking god this is nice” these were not good words to say in Vatican city but fucking terrible words to see in the Sistine chapel. I’m going to hell. But holy heck it is a beautiful place!

ITALY! wow, what an amazing place, the food, the history. . . the females. I went to get a coke from the vending machine and right next to it was another vending machine I thought was only available in my dreams. Condoms, vigara, viabrators and pregnancy tests wow fucking wow! Although one box of condoms was called “Retard” obviously Italy isn’t very PC lol

Ok……. Time to que the love music. whilst in Italy I got the feels for someone on the trip, for fuck sakes. We got really really close, even to the point I flew to Melbourne (yes, she is an Australian, ughh) to see her. It didn’t work out but it’s something I look back on fondly. I even wrote a song about her (cheap plug, it’s out end of this month Tattooed Mulligan – Melbourne Girl, cheap plug)

Italy wasn’t without the drama, one of my bros lost his passport so he couldn’t leave the country. I got asked to leave the sicitene chapel for swearing, which I apologised for straight away but having a death moth tattooed on my neck I guess doesn’t make me look like the second coming of christ!

Well that’s pretty much all from my trip in Europe, I did train it back to Amsterdam after the Contiki finished and pretty my lived in a coffee shop for 3 days, guess it’s why they say “when in Rome ”

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One Night In Austria

Now if you thought the last bloody was too PG this one is definitely going to be NSFW because the night, I Spent in Austria was fucking mental! We left Germany on the bus at the terribly early time of 7.30am. My head felt like it had been skull fucked by a cactus, but my other head was pretty satisfied with last night’s events minus the intense itching JK. We were greeted in Hopfgarten by staff a Contiki owned Hostel, they were stoked to see us and informed us that they were putting on a party for at the hostel bar.

We started drinking pretty much as soon as we got there, I went down to do laundry but every dog and their fucking owner was there, so I thought fuck it and joined the crew in one of our rooms. We had some weed left from Amsterdam, so we smoked that, then one of the girls had brought some legal mock cocaine so we had that too, note to self don’t do synthetic shit again.

When I got down to the bar at 6pm I was bloody legless but the drinks were cheap, so I kept on going hard. Another Contiki group was there as well- If I wasn’t so drunk, I could’ve lined up a pretty juicy threesome apparently, but it was not to be as I lost them in my drunken haze or they steered clear of me, probably the later.

Now this part was I was sworn to secrecy as I could get someone fired so if you’re reading this keep it quiet, yeah?

So, I started chatting to one of the Contiki staff that worked there who so happened to be from New Zealand. As the party ragged on towards the early hours of the morning, we snuck back into the Contiki Staff quarters. We started shagging in her room, from what I remember it was great, I spelt the alphabet out with my tongue and then jumped on top and did my best impression of a drowning rat. Thrusting every part of my body around trying to impress this fellow kiwi. The next thing I remember is dreaming as if I was swimming at the local pools back home, what a great dream, a nice warm pool… I awoke to the realisation I defiantly was not at the local pools; I was in a pool of my own bloody piss. “oh fuck” I yelp as I start realising what had just happened, I turn over to see if the girl was also enjoying my pool party but no there was no sign of her. I quickly grab my urine-soaked clothes just in case she was coming back with a fucking axe and waddled my fat arse back to my room.

As I began the trip back to my room I couldn’t get out of the staff quarters, every fucking door was locked. I pulled and pulled on one door with all my might, my little willy n balls flopping around everywhere. “DUDE WTF?!” a fellow naked guy gasps as I fling the door open. Whoops thats a broom closet and thats a guy getting his dick wanked 😳. I try a few other doors stumbling into a room of used mattresses (Probably where the piss covered mattress will end up). Fuck me this place is locked up tighter than my arsehole, finally when all hope seemed lost I see a ausfahrt (exit) sign and navigate my naked self back to my room.

Thank god we were only staying there for a night! The next day we jump on the bus with everyone looking pretty worse for wear and take off for Italy 🇮🇹

The Happy Ending Massage Story

For a guy who prides himself on being a bit of a sexual deviant, I haven’t had a happy ending massage… WTF! I was in Melbourne two weekends back for a catch up with some mates when one of them questioned if I had ever had a erotic Thai massage. My answer quite simply was no, but dammit this motivated me to have one!

Now for those of you who don’t know what a erotic Thai massage is; basically it’s just a massage with a hand job at the end.. basically. Now let’s paint the scene before we get to the happy ending.

On the Thursday  I flew out to Melbourne, loaded up with duty free booze and as soon as we touched down it was balls to the walls drinking.

I was staying in a motel in the heart of the city called Space Motel, an upmarket hostel. I met my mates who had booked the same motel. By this stage I was fucking legless and the rest of the night’s a bloody blur.

I woke up at about 6am in a pool of my own piss, yes human fucking urine. So for the next day I went shopping for a bloody blow dryer to dry my sheets and pee-infused mattress.

The next night I bedded a Swedish chick and my god, she was freaking sexy. I took her back to my room and we were enjoying the drunk sex for a few minutes until she noticed the bed was wet. My pee hadn’t dried and it fucking STUNK, in her broken English she said “eww pee pee ewww disgusting” and she took off, fuck me dead that was so bloody embarrassing.

Finally it was the day of the massage. After scouting a few places I settled on one in the city called Tender Touch. When I arrived I was welcomed by an Asian-looking Mr Bean, “Hi are you here for some boom boom?” he asked, “No, no, just a massage, happy one” I explained. He stood there for a second so I continued saying “Massage” and sign language with my hands “happy ending” doing the wanking action. “Oh oh ok hi hi, I bring girls for you to pick.”

After about 10 girls walking out introducing themselves to me, I felt like a judge on American Idol about to give one the ticket to Hollywood. I ended up choosing Ayumi, a slim looking Asian who was very, very beautiful. She invited me into the room “You undress now, all clothes off” she commanded. She came back in as I had stood there naked, “You sure you no want boom boom, you a sexy man?” she asked trying to up-sell me a shag. “No, no just a massage and happy ending thanks”

She begin massaging my back and holy heck it was so good, just the right amount of pressure. She worked her way down to my bum and began massaging me bum hole, “This is fucking weird” I thought. She focused on this area a bit too much, rubbing her thumbs into the hole. After drinking heavily the night before, all this did was make me wanna have a poo. “Turn over now” she told me. I turned over and she began the happy ending. She began rubbing my balls and then eventually started wanking me. I didn’t last long, she was that good I exploded all over my stomach. “Ohh wow lots of juice” she giggled and with that she left the room.

Well that was different but I’m glad I can tick that off my deviant bucket list. Wonder what I could do next? The Mile High club sounds like a good idea!  Merry Christmas and Happy New Year guys and gals. Thanks so much for reading my blogs over the year.

Liverpool Kiss

Well my trip to the UK and Ireland is over! Unfortunately my mobile provider’s data roaming service costs a bloody arm and a leg so there were no live date tweets. But not to worry, I have a whole arsenal of stories to unleash on you in the coming weeks! The first one is called the Liverpool Kiss and without further ado, let’s get into it.
 
After driving from London to Liverpool our tour group checked into the motel and began drinking. We got taken to the Cavern Club which is a huge bar underground where The Beatles used to play. Most of us felt out of our element there as even though the live music was great, if you looked around the dance floor it looked like we had gate-crashed a fucking 70th birthday party with old fuckers jiggling their loose skin all around us. 
 
After rounding up the troops we headed off in search of a club, we got conned into one club in the promise of a free shot which turned out to be some shitty lolly water. Now to say we got drunk would be an understatement, we got fucked up beyond fucked up. Shot after shot, drink after drink, so much liquid I started growing fucking fins. 
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I went outside to get some air as it was hot as a hooker’s undies in there. I started having a conversation with an older women who was part of a hens night. I was giving her heaps about her Liverpool accent which was hard to understand. Her banter was good and she loved my accent, now usually this would end in me inviting her back to my place right?
 
Yes right but this is England not New Zealand, she then tells me “you should meet my daughter” and proceeds to pull her 18 year-old daughter out of the night club to meet me. She is smoking hot and we hit it off too. We go back in the club and I dirty dance with both the mum and daughter, a Liverpool club sandwich, they both even kiss me on the cheek. 
 
Come 3am my tour group started telling me they were going to head back, her mum overheard and urged her daughter to go back with me!! “Go on, have a good time, he’s a handsome guy” she told her daughter. Well fuck me, I wasn’t complaining, I was in a wee bit of shock to be honest in my drunken state, this would never happen back home I thought.
 
We went back to mine where I had somehow scored my own room that night and I gave her the best two minutes of her bloody life. Whipping all my best moves out, missionary followed by missionary topped off with a sprinkle of missionary. After that it’s probably safe to say she would’ve blamed her mum for convincing her to go back to a bloody disappointment haha.
 
Next up Scotland! 

Shite on the dance floor

Girls don’t like it if ya leave them in the club for long periods of time nor do they like it if ya fart during sex. Well this past weekend both of those things happened last night
I had been messaging this girl for a couple of days off of this new dating app called Bumble (surely whoever made that app could’ve named it something fucking better them bloody Bumble) when I thought fuck I’m getting bored with all this chitchat bullshit, I’ll just ask her out. She said yes, I got her address and promised to pick her up at 10pm that night. Around this time my stomach began playing up, feeling really tight, but thinking it was just indigestion, I thought nothing of it. 

I took her to the rugby flat where several dozen people had congregated earlier to watch the Maori All Blacks play the British & Irish Lions. We started pre-loading before going to town, doing shots of homemade spirits to doing funnels of beer, shit was getting hectic. We all decided it was time to go when my mate Bazza decide to tackle the wall; the wall lost. 

When we got to town the majority of us got declined entry at most places but luckily my mate knew the bouncers on the Bahama Hut nightclub door so in we went. We started dancing or attempting to, the place was packed, my stomach began playing up again. I thought I would let it out with a hard satisfying fart…. 

 

Arhhhhh Sqeeze Arhhhhh

 

PLOOP…. OMG 

 

FUCK

 

I’ve shit myself.

 

I bolt to the bathroom, pushing past people feeling the runny shit dribbling down my inner of my pants. I get to the toilet, pull my pants down and it looks like a fucking bomb had gone off in there. Still pretty drunk and not wanting to cut the night short I grab my soiled undies and take them with me back to the nightclub. Just before I spot my date I drop them on the dance floor and shuffle over to her. “Where have you been!” she wails. “Taking care of some business in the loo” I yell to her over the loud music, “I thought you left me!” she said.

Now back to the soiled undies as we continued to dance I saw these shitty things get kicked to all corners of the fucking club. It was like a beachball at a concert only shittier. Whoever the poor cunt was at the end of the night that had to do clean up I’m sorry.  

I took the girl back to mine with my stomach feeling better after emptying it at the club. We start having sex which by all accounts was great and then it hit me halfway through, I need to fart but I don’t know if a fart is all that will happen. I try holding it which made it worst and eventually it falls out. BURRRRRRRRTTT luckily it was just a fart but it was a loud bastard. “Ewwww get off, you’re disgusting” my date said, getting up and dressed “ring me a taxi”.

All I could think when she left was, I’m glad she didn’t see the shit that happened at the bloody club if she thought a fucking fart was disgusting! 

Painter Date Recap

Well, well, well, first date back from a brief hiatus and fuck me, it doesn’t go smoothly. Now I wish I could just tweet my date out and have it end with me banging the chick, but this isn’t a fairy tale where we bang happily ever after. No, no, no this shit is real life where anything can happen and did.

After sub-contracting all week to another painting crew I got talking to one of the boys from the other painting crew. He told me about this chick that his boss had employed and given a painting apprenticeship almost straight away. Apparently there was a lot of animosity towards her from all of the other painters as they had to prove themselves for over a year before they got offered an apprenticeship. Not thinking too much into like hmmm her boss might have the hot’s for her, I got her number and began texting her.

She seemed pretty cool over text and apparently had seen me on building sites in the past. I asked her out for a drink on Thursday night and she accepted… The #PainterDate was born. Let us recap…..

Before meeting up with her I tried this new Cider that had just come out and holy shit it was so good, best thing I had tasted since I had gone down on that Canadian girl back in February and that shit tasted like fucking peaches.  We meet up down at her local pub in a suburb in Tauranga called Bureta. She glammed herself up pretty good but I still could see bits of paint under her nails. She had good banter and even ordered a bloody jug of beer for herself.

We started getting jolly and opening up after a couple of jugs of beer. We started talking about sex and she admitted to being so horny on a job she used her paint brush as a dildo, holy fuck! And here was me thinking I was a weirdo for fucking my paint roller sleeve!

I got back from a pee and noticed a concerned look on her face as she was furiously texting someone. It was her boss, she hadn’t finished sanding the room she was on or some shit like that and he wasn’t happy! He kept trying to ring her and eventually resorted to texting her, not being one to let a cock ruin my night I brought us shots and soldiered on.

Before long her fucking boss turned up and started having a full blown argument. He pointed towards me saying “who’s this guy?? Aren’t you supposed to be with Andy?!” Who the fucks Andy I thought. “Fuck Andy, he’s boring” She replied “We broke up on Sunday” Her boss changed his tune as soon as he clicked she was single and the 50 something year old turned on his McSleeze. He stopped arguing, got us all a round and added himself to our fucking date, what the fucking fuck!!!

This fucker started to her all touchy, touchy with her and instead of shrugging it off this tart is fucking loving it. I snap a couple of pictures for twitter, knock back a beer he paid for and bid them a good night by saying “well enjoying having his wrinkly balls hitting your arse tonight.” I walk out of the bar to her yelling at me “fucking prick” and her boss saying “come back and say it to my face” Pfft whatever mate.

 

From Crab Tree to Vag Pee

As I sit in this empty diner on my way back from Napier with no reception on my phone I can’t help but laugh at what happened down in Napier. It was my mates 30th and me and his mate have decided to go down there for the weekend.

Now from a shagging aspect this past weekend was shite, the only action I got was from Mrs Palmer and even she was pretty unenthused. It wasn’t as if it was from lack of trying, I was tindering a tonne of girls but everyone either had plans elsewhere or it was that time of the month.

My lucky mate Darren who had flown down from Auckland, found a hottie who was keen to meet up with him at the Sons of Zion concert. So that was us off to the Sons of Zion concert at a vineyard called The Crabtree. Now I don’t usually like New Zealand bands but these guys kicked arse, what made them sound even better was probably the thick cloud of weed smoke that encompassed the crowd. Darren eventually found his chick whom had a couple of mates with her.

Darren and me decided to go back to their place which was situated on the notorious Napier Hills (see one of my first blogs to see why they are so notorious  https://tattooedmulligan.com/2014/08/26/meeting-mountain-women/) Tim wanted to get back to his Mrs so we shared a taxi with him, got off at the Napier hills and he carried onto Tamatea where he lives.

Once we got there we carried on drinking until I comatosed out on the sofa with her dog. Darren and the three girls carried on drinking until two of them went home and him and his girl went to bed. Darren and the girl started getting down and dirty sharing oral with each other, trading a blow job for a finger blast, then Darren thought ‘Fuck it, I’m going to go down on her’ which in my eyes is a cardinal sin to eat out a one night stand, but hey, everyone’s different.

So he starts going to town eating this girl as if she was a 2am bloody kebab, she begins to get wetter and wetter and louder and louder. All of a sudden she lets out a huge moan and boom she cums/pees right down his throat. I awake from my coma to the sound of Darren yakking his guts up, I wander into the toilet and see him fast down in the bowl, “you alright D man?” I ask, no reply, I then wander into her room and I can smell urine. “What happened to Darren?” I ask the girl. “I was cumming” she said in a sad voice “but my bladder was full and I ended up peeing.” EWW WHAT THE FUCK!?!?

Well Darren and me ended up getting the hell out of there and back to Tim’s as fast as we could. In the morning we broke the news to Tim and his partner while they were eating breakfast, Tim choked on a mouthful of coffee…which was more tasty than what poor Darren choked on the night before!!

Reverse Kanga

Reverse Kanga Have you ever met someone that thinks they are better than you? I fucking hate these type of people; some don’t make it too obvious but the ones that do grate on my nerves so much. This past weekend I met one of these type of creatures in Taupo.

I don’t think I have ever felt so cold that my penis decides to retreat into my body than I did as I began to walk to the pubs and clubs in Taupo. My usual back packers above one of the bars was booked out so me and the bros had to book into this crusty shit hole some 2kms away. Fuck me that walk to the clubs not only sobered us up extremely fast but it felt like we were on an expedition to the fucking north pole. It was so cold that even my bloody balls were trying to push past my doodle to get warm. We arrived at the Taupo night spot and immediately placed ourselves near a heater in one of the pubs to defrost our limbs. After bringing my willy back from near hypothermia we got drinks and began to assess the talent, I noticed two babes in their early thirties on the far side of the club. I decide to go say hi so after a couple of shots of courage in the form of jäger I approached them.

“Hey how’s your night going” I ask placing my drink on the bar table they were drinking on. “Good” one of them muttered, another think I hate is one word answers, fuckers. Not getting the uninterested tone and posture they were expressing, I ask if they want a shot. Their eyes light up like a pig in shit “oh yes please that would be nice” they chirp. I bring one of my mates over knowing that I was only getting used to buy them drinks, but I thought bugger it there isn’t really any other talent around. After an hour or so they had to leave to go to a 30th party, the blonde one said “If I don’t find anyone else by the end of the night I’ll come home with you.” I wasn’t sure how to take this, but on later reflection I took it as her pretty much saying “I can do better than you because I am better then you, but I’ll settle if I have to” this really fucked me off but revenge is sweet if you can plan for it. Long story short she ended up texting me saying “Hey you, found nothing better – meet me outside Finns Pub and we can catch a taxi to mine”. Thinking with my dick I jump at the chance. On the taxi ride home she gives me the 411 on how to sneak in as she didn’t want her flatmates to see me, it was as if she would be too embarrassed to be seen with me.

We sneak in and start kissing on her bed and eventually start having sex. Now the sex was fucking terrible she lies there like a complete starfish; hardly even spreading her legs properly. Whoever she had done it with before I feel sorry for. When we finished she began critiquing my sex moves, well fuck me right?! I told her I neede270112033330-thumbnail_23_-Jamie-beim-Zuhalten-unserer-geplatzten-Wasserleitung---Danke-nochmald to go catch up with my mates but I had to use the toilet first “ok if you really have to but please be quiet going to the toilet, I don’t want my flatmates to wake up and see you”. Such a bitch, ok I get it you’re ashamed of me – well it was time for some sweet revenge. I had a poo brewing all night so instead of sitting on the toilet normally, I sit on it in reverse straddling the back and preform a reverse kanga shitting all down the inner front, not flushing of course. Reflecting on how nasty this girl was to me I grab some lip stick I found and write “Thanks for the fuck Kate” on the mirror then go on my merry way. Revenge can come in many ways but a reverse kanga is one of the bloody best!

 

1st Date of 2016 Blog Recap

 

Ever had to pick dried vomit out of your hair? No? Me neither until waking up from drinking excessively on Sunday. Now usually I remember what I have been up to whilst drinking, hell I usually write notes on my phone when I’m going for a piss throughout the night to make my blog as accurate as possible. But this last Saturday night I got lit up majorly. I found a picture of me hugging some random that I have no recollection of being taken, what’s more bizarre is where the fuck did I get the shirt from?! I was wearing a completely different one during my date and I sure as heck didn’t go home to get changed. Was I abducted by aliens? Sounds farfetched but my asshole was bloody sore the next morning and I know aliens are inclined to anal probe their victims hmmmm. Anyway enough with all that shite and back to recapping my date and sharing with you what happened/what I can remember about the rest of the night.

Being that it was a hot ass day on Saturday I had been having a few quiet ones at home. After sinking half a dozen, I realized that I better not drive so my date agreed to pick me up1               2

When she pulled up I had just been looking over her Tinder profile, yes another one I have met off there. She got out of the car and I thought to myself “fuck is that a mini van getting out of the car?” she was fucking huge compared to her photos. I was in a merry state from the beers so instead of not going on the date I thought bugger it lets go.

2-3mcflurry

After the usual ‘first meeting someone’ chit chat she announces she is craving a mcflurry ice cream as we are almost past the McDonald’s entrance. She jams on the breaks and almost spins the car out trying to get into the drive through, for fuck sake, who does this on the first date? Especially only ten minutes into it.

5              6

We finally get to the restaurant after she gobbles downs her ice cream, I spot a sweet deal on the new export beer – 4 for $20 I get them and we put our order in for dinner. Our gourmet burgers turn up which look great, I tuck into mine and look up to see her sifting through hers. I pick up my phone and take a snap, she is chucking out everything except the egg and the pattie. “What the heck are you doing” I say half joking. “I hate vegetables” she replies. Well fuck me I’m not the biggest fan on certain veges but by Christ she has made a mess, leave it on your plate bro.

9                     newpppp

She insists we get dessert even though she already slayed a fucking ice cream before hand, I asked her if we could share one which is usually a super cute thing I do with a date. She looks sad and agrees we could, we get a chocolate brownie and she goes to town on it. For every one mouthful I have, she has two scoffing it down.

I finish off my last beer and we head off to the nearby pub, at this stage she looks better than she did at the start of the night, beer goggles obviously in full effect now. We grab a drink and set ourselves up on a table by the bar.

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After finishing our first drink we head to the bar for another one and I suggest a shot of vodka which she shakes her head at, fuck it two for me then. We head up stairs to the top story to have a drink on the balcony and that’s when I spot her, the fucking rude bitch from the first date I live tweeted (if you have forgotten her here is the link to her date https://tattooedmulligan.com/2015/10/11/live-tweeting-my-date-recap/ ). I have a laugh to myself as she is with a couple of needle dick looking drop kicks and a equally as geeky girl. Wondering if the geek girl was Becca whos texts I read on the last date, ignoring my date and began eavesdropping into there convo. “You want another drink Becca?” one of the nerds said, BOOM! It was the bitch, they hadn’t spotted me so I continued to watch them.

Now here’s when it got a bit hazy as I can’t figure out a few things/place them in order. I remember my date getting fed up with me and leaving and the “I have a sore tummy” excuse. I looked back on my twitter and saw that my last tweet was me chatting to some Canadians, well those bastards flushed another $50 down the drain of mine in the form of tequila shots. The next thing I remember is drunkenly walking up to Becca and saying something along the lines of “fuck you geek” not my finest insult ever. After the insult I remember walking out of the bar and into another one and from there on in I can’t place myself anywhere apart from a club over the bridge in Tauranga from a photo. I must say I became semi aware of my surrounding when I chucked my guts out right on the water front next to a car of two young love birds trying to enjoy a quick shag, soz. While I remember throwing up I don’t recall dipping my bloody hair into the vomit, fuck my life! Well that’s it from my date next time I will make sure my drunk self keeps notes.

 

 

 

 

Shit Happens (at the worst times)

Ever dabbled with pre workout supplements? Most give you a huge energy boost. People that have used them say it gives you an intense focus during training, allowing them to train harder for longer. It contains DMAA, dimethylamylamine  which increases the heart rate and is often used as a dietary fat burner. After using it I read a lot of articles about all the side effects it has and also how it had been linked to a few deaths caused by heart attacks, fuck! Anyway this is my story about using it, I wouldn’t endorse people to take it after what happened to me. After the footy season came to a close last year I decided to hit the gym hard, getting a personal trainer to give me a program was step one. Step two was to find some good supplements, which my trainer gave me advise on. Whey protein, amino caps and something I hadn’t tried people called ‘Jack3d’ pre workout. I mixed it in with my water before my workout and holy shit I haven’t worked out so hard in my life, it made my heart pump and I felt like I could do anything! I started using this shit everywhere; before workouts, rugby and even before going night clubbing. You could dance all night on this stuff which is just what I did and that is where I met my girlfriend I had for a week. I was dancing and dancing at the club, jack3d pumping through my veins and that’s when I met her, this really sporty looking chick that was dancing as hard as me. We danced the night away and exchanged numbers as the club closed at 3am, now at this stage I was hoping we would go home together but she gave me a good night kiss, hopped into a taxi and left me outside the club alone. This was going to take some ground work.

This chick was a gym bunny. Going on a date with her was a hard session at the gym, so for the next two weeks we would meet at the gym for flirty workouts. Finally she asked if I wanted to go on a marathon like run along the beach and up Mount Maunganui. I started stressing, hoping that I could keep up with her, but then I remembered I had my jack3d stuff. Still nervous I doubled the amount of the pre workout that was recommended and skulled it down. We started off jogging at a relatively easy pase, she looked smoking in her tight running pants. My stomach began to churn mid way through, thinking nothing of it we continued jogging heading towards the base of the mountain. As we headed up the mount my stomach started getting worse “keep up” she said smiling. She started striding out with her legs so without thinking I did the same, suddenly the churning in my guts violently dropped into my bowels and without warning I shit myself. “Oh my god, I’m having an accident” I yell to her as my arse continues to spray brown goo everywhere. My shorts, legs and shoes are all drenched in shit, “what the fuck Sean, gross!!” she said taking off, leaving me half way up the mount covered in shit. For the next hour I couldn’t stop shitting, it was the worst! Whatever was in this jack3d shit was unforgiving. shithappensMy stomach was extremely sore, luckily I had my phone on me and called mum to come with some fresh pants. The dried shit on my legs took some scrubbing to get off when I got home. That night I got a text saying “sorry for leaving you” which I replied back “shit happens”.