I Have A Girlfriend… Had

3 days have passed and I’m still feeling sick to my stomach. No it wasn’t the result of drugs, pills or dodgy sex; I got dumped. Yes I had a girlfriend for three whole weeks, the longest relationship I’ve been in for a long, long time.

It all began when I met this girl over in Scotland back in August. We had kept in contact ever since with her eventually flying to New Zealand to be with me. For the first week or so everything was amazing, the sex? AMAZING, everything you could dream of, blowjobs, toys, biting and even the odd finger up the bum. The second week, well fuck me, if you have ever thought someone has a different personality when they drink, think that but times a hundred.

The first night of meeting Jen’s drunk personality happened at the local fishing club. Every second week me and the boys go to the local fishing club for a catch-up and to participate in quiz night. Jen got shit-faced quickly and began loudly asking to suck my penis in front of all the other teams. My mates were looking at me wondering who the fuck was this girl I had invited?

She then attempted to take my penis out of my pants and suck it in front of the place. Now, take into account there were families there, this was fucked. I put this night down to her being nervous but two nights later shit was inexcusable – although surely just this would’ve been to most people.

So the dreadful night was finally here, my mates were having a party at their house, what a perfect time for them to meet my new girlfriend Jen I thought. We go to their place and everyone was having a good time, drinking beers, listening to music and dancing.

We all then decided to head to town, at this point I noticed Jen’s drunken alter ego was coming out as she let me finger bang her in the taxi on the way to town, something her sober self would detest. We went to the local bar club called The Mellick, the live band was pumping. Jen was being social, talking to a couple while the rest of us were enjoying the band. I went to get us a drink and turned around just in time to see Jen leaving with the couple! “Where you going babe?” I said, thinking maybe she’s just going outside for a ciggie. “Going back to their place for a threesome” she said bluntly. Ya fucking what?! Before I could stop her, she was in the taxi and on her way home with them.

That night for me was the lowest of lows, wasn’t I good enough? Is she actually having a threesome? What the fuck just happened? Am I dreaming? Well most of those questions got answered in the morning when she finally answered her phone “oh my god Sean, I am so

sorry” she messaged.

She went on to admit she had slept with the couple and tried to make me believe she regretted it.

Well suffice to say we broke up after that night and she was on her way back to where she came from. That’s me done with relationships for the foreseeable future, that really gave me self doubt about myself and make me question a lot of things. Time to get back to tinder, shagging and making music, bring on the summer!

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Ex Girlfriends Sister Date Recap

If anyone ever says in the future “imagine sleeping with one of your ex’s sisters” I will answer with “mate read my blog; been there done that!”  

So let’s give this blog a sprinkle of a background story before recapping the date. Quite a few girls ago… I mean years ago… undoubtedly the same thing, I dated this stunning chick, absolute10 out of 10, even her personality would have been a solid 8. She was almost bloody perfect. Except for when she drunk, she would flirt with anything and anyone, eventually to the point where she cheated. So that’s what happened and we broke up but I stayed in touch with her sisters and mum on facebook. I kinda wish that I could say I got revenge on her by shagging her mum, but I didn’t, I just broke up with her and wisely moved on…….. until last Thursday. 

 

As I said, I had kept in contact with her mum and sisters, but only as acquaintances on facebook. All of a sudden out of the blue her eldest sister began messaging me last Thursday. After a bit of back and forth banter she asked me out for a drink the following night and the Hashtag #ExGirlfriendsSisterDate was born.

 

Let us recap: after work I met up with one of the bros at the local. We ended up getting dinner there and admittedly I had one too many brews, considering it was still early evening. Anyway I managed to wander past a few bars to meet her just after 8.30pm luckily she had only just arrived, I could see her from across the packed bar and fuck me she looked beautiful. We started chatting and soon enough her sister, my ex was brought up, apparently a leopard doesn’t change its spots, because according to my date she has had a string of boyfriends but can’t keep ‘em since, yup you guessed it; she cheats. 

We started flirting quite quickly, she even began bragging about how much more wild she was compared to her sister, I jokingly asked her to prove it, to which she says “buy me some tequila shots and i will”. We started shotting a tray of tequila shots, which after the fourth one made me vomit in my mouth a little. I kept giving her shit saying “your sister is way wilder” and then she looked me in the eye with a naughty grin “I bet she never did this.” She then went under the table we were sitting at and started undoing my pants. My eyes started darting around the room to see if anyone in the packed bar was watching, luckily no one was. She started sucking me off as I pretended to go on my phone, holy shit this was crazy! She was down there for a couple of minutes then stopped and re-emerged. “You are crazy!” I said smiling as she took a swig of her wine “let’s get out of here, I’m really wet” she said grinning. Bloody hell you don’t have to tell me twice. 

 

We went back to her place and started shagging, I sensed she was trying to be more crazy than she would normally be, by making me shove a finger up her bum and eventually goading me to partake in anal… a shitty time. I stayed at her place the entire night, high fiving myself silently while she slept, thinking that I had finally got some sweet revenge on my ex. Now to send my ex the selfie I took of me and her older sister in bed haha. 

Shes Got A BF

Its Saturday 18/10/2014. I’m heading to Hamilton to visit my rugby mates having a party and then were hitting the clubs. After a week of sunshine the heavens decide to open up and put a slight damper on the occasion. I get to my mates, before I can get out of the car I am being offered a beer. We start drinking at 2pm, its nice being back hanging out with the boys chatting the usual crap about girls and rugby. By 7pm the drinking games had started. ‘The circle of death’ was the name of the game also commonly known as ‘4 kings’. The game is pretty simple, an empty cup is placed in the middle of a circle of playing cards placed face down. The last king card to be revealed means the player must skull whatever has been poured in the cup. Each other card has a rule that is predetermined before the game starts. One of the cards this time was a dare card, so of course I get dared to do something stupid. My mate Ropata decided to dare me to strip naked and knock on the next door neighbour’s house and ask if they were looking for a good time. GREAT! Not one to back down from a dare I go to the toilet touching my dick to make it look half respectable. BOOM got a semi hard on going. I walk back down to the garage; my mates are laughing their heads off. I step out on the pavement looking over to the next door neighbour’s house. My heart starts racing, I hope these neighbours are hot girls! Feeling like a complete creep I walk over to the house. I look back and all my mates are out of the garage looking at what was about to happen. I knocked, I could hear some footsteps, and here we go I thought. The door opens and a middle aged Indian man is standing there. SHIT! I thought not hot girls. “Are you looking for a good time big boy” I shout at this bewildered man, shaking my bum so everything was jiggling down there. “Get the bloody hell out of here” he screams in his strong Indian accent. I take off back to the garage where everybody is in tears of laughter.

We continue playing this game till it’s time to get ready for town. As we get to town it’s hard not to notice all the new clubs and pubs. It seems every year here in Hamilton at least half a dozen places change their names for one reason or another. We head straight to Agenda wanting to have a dance. The place is pumping with girls hardly wearing anything and guys perving from every direction.  We stay here until about 2am then heading to The Outback. We hit the dance floor where I start dancing with this extremely hot blondie. We starting getting pretty into it, I starting touching her bum and we started kissing when suddenly I get turned about and SMACK, I get decked.  “That’s my fucking girlfriend” a huge looking guy shouts down at me. I’m still on the ground when he starts to kick me. Luckily by this stage my mates have seen what has happened and push him off me, giving me enough time to get up. Pushing them out of the way I punch him as hard as I can in the head, his nose literally explodes like a pimple with blood gushing out everywhere! My mates grab me yelling “we got to go, bouncers are coming”, we head out the side door where luckily a taxi is waiting. I dive right in and we head home still slightly shaken up with what had just transpire. I feel sad for the dude whose girlfriend blatantly couldn’t care less about him. Moral of this story for me is, if she looks really hot ask if she has a boyfriend…and if she does, is he here!