Dateless Mully Goes to Hospital

Words can’t describe how beautiful you are…

But numbers can.

2/10

I thought I would start my latest blog with a laugh because these last few weeks have been anything but funny. So this blog is called ‘Dateless Mully Goes to Hospital’ Now, before I start on the hospital visit I thought I would bring up the struggle I am enduring to get a date these days. Imagine having a bad experience at a supermarket, research says you will tell at least nine people about your bad shopping experience. Now change the supermarket to me, and the shopping to shagging, and you can put together what has been happening to me. I start chatting to girls, it seems to be going well but then one way or another they find out who I am. “The guy who blogs about his dates” that sentence with the name Mulligan added to it seems to have made its rounds throughout Tauranga’s dating scene as once I start chatting to someone off Tinder or NZ dating they usually fucking click it’s me. 13152856_10208258261566091_1574999957_n

So what’s next? Hmmmm well maybe I need to tell them I blog about my dates right from the start, it sure would save a lot of time fucking around with the whole ‘what type of music do you like” generic questions that get asked constantly. Would telling them that make the date less authentic? Time will tell I guess.

Now time to tell you how I ended up taking my poor bum into hospital went down, but first a warning if you haven’t had dinner yet this might put you off. All righty so after a long week of painting it was time to put down the brush and rip the top off a cold beer. Well on this occasion one beer led to two, two beers led to a box, a box led to town, that led to the strippers, the strippers led to the brothel and then the brothel led to bed. The next morning, I woke with a pounding headache and a sore arse. I quickly started to piece my night together making sure nothing had been inserted up there at the strippers or brothel, nope. I sat on the toilet which naturally spreads ya cheeks a little, I put my finger up and I find a fucking lump! “What the fuck is that” I scream instantly thinking my body has manufactured a new STD which would soon be called Lump Mulligan. In a panic I jump on google to try and self-diagnose myself. BAD IDEA google comes up with CANCER CANCER CANCER – go to your nearest hospital. Now I’m thinking fucking hell I’m going to die with this newly formed cancer lump in my butt.

I keep searching and searching for other theories of what it could be and that’s when I found it, a really good article on boils around the anus that are formed by dramatic sweat. I have now convinced myself it’s a boil and begin to watch YouTube videos on how to pop it (why are these videos so satisfying). I grab my flat mates knitting needle, chuck it in hot water and now surgeon Mulligan is about to operate on his lump in his bum hole. I pierce the lump with the needle three or four times but no pus comes out as promised by that fucking article, no no no. What comes out is blood, fucking loads of it. I ring my mum and tell her what I’ve done as this blood hasn’t stopped coming out and it’s been half an hour. She picks me up in my tissue made nappy and off to the hospital we go. I get rushed straight in as by the time we got there my tissue nappy was fully soaked in blood. The Doctor examines me and immediately lets me know what it is, “it’s a vein that has protruded out into the anus, more commonly known as hemorrhoids” oh fuck sakes so that lump I had self-diagnosed as a boil turns out to be a vein and I stabbed the shite out of it. I got prepped for rubber band ligation surgery which is where they put a rubber band around the vein to shrink it and cause the bleeding to stop. Well the surgery went smoothly and I was discharged the next day but not before a stern telling off from the doctor. “Next time see a medical practitioner instead of diagnosing yourself, this could have all been fixed with a script of steroid cream.”

Well that’s it for me, I shall continue looking for a date and staying off Google, even if I have just a cough it’s straight to the bloody doctors!

50 Shades Of Pain

With 50 Shades Of Grey out in cinemas this week (don’t act like you didn’t know!!!) I thought I would share a story about one of my experiences i have had with a dominatrix woman. Mucking around on NZ dating one night feeling like getting up to some mischief i clicked on the sexual meetings tab and saw a picture of an older women who would of been in her late 40s. She was dressed up in all her latex dominatrix gear and her tag line said ‘come and have all your dominatrix fantasies fulled’. This looks like some freaky shit I thought to myself and with alot of contemplating I decided to message her. I got a response almost straight away, we messaged back and fourth for about half an hour and we arranged to met up at her place. Luckily she lived just one road over so I nervously had a couple of beers and a few shots, jumped in the shower and headed over to hers. When I got there she greeted me in her costume which looked pretty cool. After she greeted me she began to act and told me “Get on my bed now!” I wasn’t going to argue, I quickly made my way to her bedroom. It was intense in there, all the walls and the ceiling were painted black. There were candles lit everywhere, on the walls were an abundance of whips and chains. “Drink this” she commanded, after taking a huge shot of this green extremely potent liquid I asked her “what the hell was that?!” with an evil smirk she replied “abthinthe 90 percent alcohol, its to loosen you up boy, now strip! Take all your clothes off”. This was crazy but I was digging it, i started to feel pretty drunk after this and my memory isn’t every good but i’ll try my best to recall what happened.

She made me lay on my stomach which I thought was weird but that hard liquor had gone to my head so not thinking twice I laid on my stomach. She then instructed me put my arms up by my head, she tied them to her headboard. “Let us begin” she whispered in my ear. With that she got what felt like a bloody western cracking whip and proceeded to lacerate my back. Luckily when we were chatting earlier she gave me a safe word if it was too sore so after about ten lashings i yelled it out – “Purple!!”. She stopped for awhile and went outside to have a smoke. After awhile she must have come in because the next thing I knew hot candle wax was being poured onto my lower back into my crack “Purple! Purple! I screamed. I heard her chuckle, “I need another one of those shots please” I asked. She gave me one while I was on my stomach as if it was cough medicine being giving to a kid. I started feeling really drunk at this stage, I recall egging her on to whip me harder. I started falling asleep as time went on. Suddenly I felt something wet being applied to my anus and then suddenly I felt extreme pain!! “arhhhhhh” I screamed and looked back to see she had equiped herself with a strap on dildo and began to thrust away on me. “Purple fucking purple!!!!” I screamed in pain. She pulled it out and I yelled “un tie me un tie me, no more please no more” She was apologising and told me she had told me what she was about to do, and I hadn’t said no, hmmm probably because I had fallen asleep! I told her not to worry and it was just a supprise. I quickly got changed and got out of there. Duck walking out with my back and arse in immense pain. Ususally when you are drunk the alcohol masks the pain but this was so painful. When I woke in the morning a wave of intense pain hit me. I quickly rushed for my stash of codeine I still had from getting a wisdom tooth out. My butt was so sore but what was more sore was my back, I looked on my bed to see a few of the lashes inflicted had weeped blood. My back looked so brutal, for the next couple of days I stayed in bed in pain. Its safe to say she never heard from me again and i’m not sure what type of guy would come back for seconds I mean I didn’t even get to shag her….although she did shag me ;( PURPLE!