The Happy Ending Massage Story

For a guy who prides himself on being a bit of a sexual deviant, I haven’t had a happy ending massage… WTF! I was in Melbourne two weekends back for a catch up with some mates when one of them questioned if I had ever had a erotic Thai massage. My answer quite simply was no, but dammit this motivated me to have one!

Now for those of you who don’t know what a erotic Thai massage is; basically it’s just a massage with a hand job at the end.. basically. Now let’s paint the scene before we get to the happy ending.

On the Thursday  I flew out to Melbourne, loaded up with duty free booze and as soon as we touched down it was balls to the walls drinking.

I was staying in a motel in the heart of the city called Space Motel, an upmarket hostel. I met my mates who had booked the same motel. By this stage I was fucking legless and the rest of the night’s a bloody blur.

I woke up at about 6am in a pool of my own piss, yes human fucking urine. So for the next day I went shopping for a bloody blow dryer to dry my sheets and pee-infused mattress.

The next night I bedded a Swedish chick and my god, she was freaking sexy. I took her back to my room and we were enjoying the drunk sex for a few minutes until she noticed the bed was wet. My pee hadn’t dried and it fucking STUNK, in her broken English she said “eww pee pee ewww disgusting” and she took off, fuck me dead that was so bloody embarrassing.

Finally it was the day of the massage. After scouting a few places I settled on one in the city called Tender Touch. When I arrived I was welcomed by an Asian-looking Mr Bean, “Hi are you here for some boom boom?” he asked, “No, no, just a massage, happy one” I explained. He stood there for a second so I continued saying “Massage” and sign language with my hands “happy ending” doing the wanking action. “Oh oh ok hi hi, I bring girls for you to pick.”

After about 10 girls walking out introducing themselves to me, I felt like a judge on American Idol about to give one the ticket to Hollywood. I ended up choosing Ayumi, a slim looking Asian who was very, very beautiful. She invited me into the room “You undress now, all clothes off” she commanded. She came back in as I had stood there naked, “You sure you no want boom boom, you a sexy man?” she asked trying to up-sell me a shag. “No, no just a massage and happy ending thanks”

She begin massaging my back and holy heck it was so good, just the right amount of pressure. She worked her way down to my bum and began massaging me bum hole, “This is fucking weird” I thought. She focused on this area a bit too much, rubbing her thumbs into the hole. After drinking heavily the night before, all this did was make me wanna have a poo. “Turn over now” she told me. I turned over and she began the happy ending. She began rubbing my balls and then eventually started wanking me. I didn’t last long, she was that good I exploded all over my stomach. “Ohh wow lots of juice” she giggled and with that she left the room.

Well that was different but I’m glad I can tick that off my deviant bucket list. Wonder what I could do next? The Mile High club sounds like a good idea!  Merry Christmas and Happy New Year guys and gals. Thanks so much for reading my blogs over the year.

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Mulligans Brothel Adventures

Back in the day as a naive eighteen-year-old, going to a brothel seemed like a scary idea when my mate brought it up. Fast forward nearly ten years later the idea of visiting a brothel seems as normal as buying a loaf of bread. Yes, I have been to brothels numerous times and I will most probably stumble into one again. Looking back on my first time at one my two mates had the time of their lives. We had saved all our money working part time jobs while going to school and come the end of the year we were off to Sydney Australia for a boy’s holiday. We headed out on our first night in Australia to Kings Cross, a notorious part of Sydney made famous on the television show ‘Underbelly’. We went night clubbing in a club called ‘Candy’s Apartment’, it was pumping. Hanz was the first to hook up with someone followed closely by me. Tim was far too drunk; he had continued drinking all his duty free spirits after we had got off the plane. We ended up in Porky’s Nite Spot. Porky’s is part of the seedy side of Kings Cross and is famous for being one of those classic sleazy neon-lit strip clubs where bouncers were constantly throwing horny punters out for being too rough with the dancers. We sat in complete shock, there were boobs everywhere. Being young we got hustled for our money pretty good by the strippers. Tim went all out tipping them, getting a private lap dance. He was completely in his element. Eventually we all got so worked up we had no choice but to go visit the local brothel. I couldn’t bring myself to pay for sex so I stayed in the waiting room (these days I would be getting amongst it!!). Tim and Hanz wanted the same girl so they decided to pay a bit extra to have a threesome with her, which is something that doesn’t seem to be allowed at brothels I have visited here in New Zealand. I waited for half an hour for them to finally reappear, Tim smiling from ear to ear and Hanz couldn’t stop laughing. I asked him what was so funny and he told me after he was done Tim went down on the prostitute! I don’t go down on one nighters let alone prostitutes! To make this even more funny they were the last two clients of her busy shift. Poor old Tim had licked a snatch that had been entered by least a dozen guys in the past couple of hours and by our mate Hanz just before him! Safe to say when Tim realized this afterwards he suddenly become very, very sick.

Over the next nearly ten years since that time I have visited numerous brothels. Buying rugby boys a blow job from Hamilton’s Calendar Girls for their 21st birthdays became a normal thing. I knew the owner pretty well and he would shout me a few beers while I waited for the lad to get his cream donut. One time while being in Hawkes Bay after not scoring a girl in Havlock North, I decided to wander into a brothel in Hastings. If you know Hastings you would know that this was a big fucking mistake already. The only girl working was a 50 something year old fat bean bag. After wheeling and dealing I managed to get her down to $40 for twenty minutes. After making me shower I come out to this fucking walrus sprawled on the bed “how do you want me big boy” she said attempting to put on a sexy voice. “ummmmm I like doggystyle” I said. She put a condom on me with her month, an awesome trick if ya teeth aren’t bloody yellow. So there I was thrusting away on this fucking thing that was older than my mum when I realized my condom had slipped off, not thinking too much about it I finished up and was on my merry way. The following day going for a pee felt like fucking razor blades, that’s when I remembered the condom falling off. Eventually getting tested the following Tuesday and getting the dreaded results back on Friday. The doctor confirmed that I had contracted gonorrhoea, the worst sounding fucking sexually transmitted infection ever thought of. Luckily with the right medicine I got it rid of it in no time to the biggest relief of my life to date…. well until I contracted chlamydia but that’s a whole different story!