Gone Bush

Abstinence August is well and over, thank God Sex Please September is here! Looking up sex words for that title; ‘Sex Please September’ is the best I could come up with, others considered were: 

  1. September’s Sti’s
  2. Syphilis September
  3. September Scabies

They all sounded good if I was going to Hamilton and not planning on wearing a condom, but no I am staying away from H-town this month, keeping it local here in Tauranga. 

With a fresh new batch of tourists arriving on working holidays to soak up as much of our summer as they possibly can. A huge amount of new tinder profiles have been popping up! Living by the beach here, it’s an attractive place for tourists to come work and play every summer. Anyway, I got a sweet tinder match on Wednesday and immediately started messaging this chick. She had just arrived here from Banbury in the UK on a working holiday (loving it). We were getting on well sending messages the rest of Wednesday and by Thursday she gave me her number (Go Mullie!). Thursday night the texting quickly developed into sexting. Looking back on the messages “I’m rubbing myself” text from her is how things started. After a bit of back and forth messaging one from me saying “I’m so hard for you right now”. I wasn’t at all hard though, I was playing battlefield on the PS4 but going along with her texts at the same time. She then asked if we could send a picture each, great! I thought “I’m half way through a fucking online game and now I have to stop and wake my old fella up to take a dick picture!” Sent the dick pic and she sent me back a picture of her very very un groomed vagina, Jesus christ this isn’t the fucking 70’s I thought. “Send me another” she texted, what the hell does a guy send once a dick pic has been sent??? Girls have the luxury of having 3 great assets for sexting; bum, boobs and vag. In this case a fucking monster hairy minge. Surely to god she doesn’t want a photo of my hairy arse. Me being the photo genius I took a photo from a different angle of my dick, sent it and she loved it.

We arranged to meet up last night in town for a drink. Heading in I was a little nervous hoping she had gotten her weed whackers out and dealt to that afro puff down there. We met up and got on like a house on fire, her banter was top notch and her accent made her even more attractive. After what felt like a dozen or more drinks she asked if I would like to come back to her place. Me being the gentlemen I am I said no and that we should get to know each other better first….joking! “fuck yeah keen as” was my response. We pulled up at the local backpackers where she was renting a room for the summer and immediately started the rough and tumble. Completely forgetting about her huge bush, I pulled her undies off in preparation to give her a tounge tickle down there when whoosh! The huge fucking bush protruded out in all its glory. Now this wasn’t just a little fluff, this was a fucking HUGE amount of hair, already committed I began to give her a lick, every time I swallowed whist down there I could feel hairs on my tongue. I tried to make it as quick as possible but she was loving it, “ohhh Sean don’t stop” she moaned. After awhile I said “I have to stop” looking down at me she asked “why, oh my god it feels so good”. I replied quite frankly with “Because its like a garden down here and I have a mouthful of hair.” Luckily she laughed and we had sex which was great. After it was all said and done I might have convinced her to shave or at least maintain her bush. Job well done 👍

Well thats it from me, hopefully I will be seeing more of her while she is here on her working holiday which will be great and hopefully more blogs to come as a result!

Nrl Nines Blog

The Auckland NRL Nines are nearly here! I have had my tickets sorted for weeks. I went last year and before the first game had finished I knew without a doubt I would be coming back each year. I used to go to the Sevens but got sick of not knowing any of the players, and also the number of people that just went there to get completely drunk and cause trouble. I found at the Nines since there are league superstars in each team the crowd has more interest as to what’s going on on the field. That’s not to say its not an awesome party type atmosphere but to me it just felt more behaved.

A car load of me and my mates went up last year from Hamilton and had a great time! One thing I regret though is not getting dressed up in costumes as there were hundreds of good looking girls everywhere, and they all were asking for photos with all the guys dressed up – dammit! After day one had finished buses and buses full of party goers headed for town which was awesome because a lot of us stuck together which made it an awesome night. I met one chick that was a Roosters supporter who I gave shit to most of the night as I’m a Rabbitohs man through and through. She gave great banter back and we ended up going home together, its safe to say i made her sing glory glory to South Sydney that night!

The last day of the Nines was even better than the first, although having a huge hangover didn’t help. It still didn’t stop me enjoying what was happening on the field. The semi finals were intense and the final was fantastic. Hopefully this year the final will pit the Rabbitohs and Warriors in the final, now that would be one awesome game! The countdown is on and come Saturday the 31st of January you can bet the NRL Nines is going to be one event you can’t miss!mates

My Birthday Blog!

This past weekend was my birthday so off to Hamilton I went! I give Hamilton a lot of grief, but to be honest nothing beats its night life. (Queenstown and Dunedin come close) When I look back at this weekend I feel like I did a shit load of observing. Usually I’m so drunk and focused on one thing – chatting up girls. Although that was obviously on my mind I couldn’t help but watch what other people were doing while they were out on the town.

My mates and I got into town at 11pm, since it was my birthday we went to the Sky City Casino! The first time you go to a Casino the shiny lights make it feel like you have walked into Emerald City. It looks amazing and so fancy. After a few visits you start to notice little things like at least fifty percent of the clientele are either people on welfare using all their money up, or people that can’t stop gambling. The other fifty percent of the clientele are Asians. It just feels like a sad, sad place to be for too long. Anyway after the machines had chewed about one hundred dollars of my money I decided to go to the bar and get a drink. I got the cheapest beer they had on tap after feeling dejected for wasting so much. Suddenly this lady came up to me and asked if I had seen her purse. I said no, and suggested she go check with security. She then yelled out to the bartender and told him that she had seen a girl with his uniform come up and take her purse; this was when it started to get weird. The barmen told her that if any of them had seen an abandoned purse they can’t touch it until security gets there so that’s impossible. To be honest the bartender was a bit of a prick which added fuel to this ladies fire. Annoyed with his answer this 40 year old women now gets up on the bar and starts screaming, asking if anyone has seen her purse. Out of nowhere the security pops up along with the police whom must have been doing a walkthrough as they normally do. The police grab her and arrest her, ‘what the fuck’ I thought, that’s pretty harsh. I asked the security guard why they arrested her – turns out that security had found her bag filled with meth, syringes and the lady’s I.D, that’s why she was freaking out.

I went back and found my mates, one of which had won the mini jackpot of four hundred and fifty dollars. I convinced him not to waste it and off to The Hood night club we went. The place was packed and pumping. My mate who won all that money was just splashing it out on drinks for all of us, shots round after round. I start talking to these two British chicks (love the Brits!). We start chatting and dancing together. Everything is going so good; I’m kissing both of them feeling like a total stud.  We grab another round of shots and drinks and continue dancing.  Suddenly I smell what I thought was a really, really disgusting fart. Thinking nothing of it I continue dancing till a few people stop and start smelling it too. “What the Fuck” one of the girls I’m dancing with shrieks looking down at her feet, some dirty bugger has taken a massive shit on the dance floor. I start to pray hoping my shoes haven’t got any on them but yup, there is poo in the crevices. There is shit everywhere mushed and stomped around the club. Most of the club leaves after people start looking down at their shoes; I can’t get to the two British backpackers in time as they hurry into the nearest taxi – fuck! Whoever took a shit on the dance floor has cock blocked me with their fucking feces. Admitting defeat I grab a taxi and head back to my mates place and crash not before chucking my shoes in the bin outsid, yuck!

Well that’s it from me, I got my birthday kiss from not one, but two babes. Good times, but to whoever shat on the dance floor I hope you went and wiped after!

Why I hate blow jobs

Blow jobs; what guy doesn’t love a girl creating magic down there with her lips, mouth and if you’re lucky her throat 😉 Well sadly I don’t like them, it’s not really the fact I don’t like them per say, it’s that…well after this next story I share you might have a better understanding as to why. I have just found my old iPhone which has sparked this story from reading through old texts.

It was summer time here in New Zealand, it was January 2009. Girls were looking for summer lovin’ and I was more than happy to be multiple girls’ summertime fling. Single Ladies by Beyoncé was the number one song in the country which was great as when that song came on in the club it was so easy to spot the single girls. They’d be the ones waving their arms about asking for someone to put a ring on it. That’s not me love, but thank you for helping me out by letting me know you’re single.

Each year when I lived in Hamilton I would spend a month of summer in Tauranga at my parents. Hamilton nightlife was dead with university over for the year. At the same stage Tauranga town experiences it’s busiest two months of the year with all the uni kids back an of coarse all the tourists that flock in their masses to be by the beautiful beach.

One night I went out with two of my cousins that had come over from Australia who I hadn’t seen in a few years. We had been going bar to bar and they were really impressed by how I could pull the girls. I had hooked up with a few girls but nothing too great – that was until we entered the Bahama Hut night club. Soon Beyoncé’s single ladies came on, I spotted my pray busting out some ridiculous dance moves. I pounced; coming in with my dice shaker moves. Here’s a quick tip, if you know that they know that you know that your making a dick out of yourself by dancing and you get them to laugh your already at first base! She was a hot looking brunette, she looked around 20 years old and I could tell by her glassy eyes that she was as drunk as I felt. I waited for the song to finish and I quickly whispered in her ear that I thought she was hot.  Touching her arm I pulled away giving a sheepish smile and that’s all it took! After about another half a song we were playing tonsil hockey. I looked over at my two cousins and they gave me the big thumbs up. I took her up to the bar where we sunk a good half dozen shots. At this stage I was completely wasted, somehow we ended up in the girl’s toilet. She started speaking and I noticed she had a British accent, I love accents. She ordered me to take my pants off, I took them off and she started giving me head. It hurt so much she was using her teeth so much every suck it got worse. I was too wasted to tell her to stop but it felt like she was grating my dick in her mouth. All of a sudden she began to slow down the back and forth motion of the blow job. As I looked down I could see she was beginning to coma out, I began to lean back pulling my penis away from her but as I did she was falling back against the wall to coma. She bit down on my dick! Fortunately I had successfully pulled most of it out but I couldn’t get the tip out in time. As her teeth penetrated through the flesh of my cock I let out the biggest scream. I shook her head to wake her and luckily she immediately came to. I looked down at my best friend (not the girl, my penis!) and it had teeth holes in with dark dark blood beginning to ooze out. I snapped out of my drunken state and took off into the boy’s bathroom. My poor penis was so sore; I stuffed some toilet paper down my undies to form a makeshift nappy, grabbed my cousins and taxied home.

It took ages for my penis to heal and it was so painful whilst it tried to form a scab. Since then I have never trusted another girl with my penis in their mouth, if I did they have to be stone cold sober. I just have to look down and see the tooth scars on my mate to support my decision!