New Years – Cheapskates, Mates and Sandy Dates

What an extremely bizarre News Years it was, I have been really reluctant to blog about it because it was a little too messed up to put into words. But after taking a harden up pill I decided to share with you all – enjoy.

Since Rhythm and Vines was off the cards because my two mates wanted me to pay for them and promised they would pay me back sometime (heard that old chestnut before), I decided against that idea and to head to Ohope beach for the night, which is where a lot of my family are from. Before I went I needed to pick up a present for my Aunty as her birthday is the 31st of December. I stopped off in Tauranga looking around eventually strolling down to where all the pubs are located. “Hello” a foreign sounding voice said. I turned my head and saw two girls sitting at the bar, both looked pretty decent. “You like drink?” they asked. I grab myself a beer and sat down with them.

I couldn’t believe my luck, being asked to come for a beer with two fairly attractive foreigners. I attempted to start a conversation but they did not have a clue to what I was saying. I then started using hand gestures which seemed to do the trick. I got out of them that they were from France and staying in Tauranga next door at the backpackers. After an awkward 5 minutes of smiling and simple conversation like “weather very hot yea” their larger ‘I just walked out of a Zombie casting call’ friend turned up. She looked dead with bags under her eyes larger than her mates fucking tits. Luckily she spoke much better English and told me she had just slept for 20 hours straight suffering from chronic jet lag.

We continue chatting and I notice the original two had not refilled their drinks since I had been there, being the gentleman I am and also thinking fuck me I could do alright here; I brought all three of them a drink. We continue to chat until The Walking Dead extra lets it slip that they all have boyfriends “yeah our boyfriends are all asleep upstairs night now”. Ummmm you fucking what are where. These cheapskate lil shits had invited me for a drink so I could pay for theirs. I could tell the other two weren’t very happy with her as they must have understood what she said, as they gave her the evils probably thinking that they could bleed another couple of drinks out of me. After necking my beer and contemplating drinking their drinks I got up and said “see you later” and that was that.

Not long after that I head to Ohope beach, with the new motorway open it only took an hour 20 to get there. Once I got to my cousins it was cold beer after cold beer, he had been drinking since mid-day so was pretty toasted when I rocked up at 6. We continued drinking with my Aunty and Uncle till around ten, then me and my cousin headed off to the Ohope beach camping grounds. We found a ton of other people drinking there, introduced ourselves and began drinking. I set my eyes on this fairly attractive goth looking chick with piercings all over her face. We struck it off pretty well, she introduced me to her best friend whom she was sharing a tent with – a dude. ‘Oh he’s cute babe” he said to gothy after shaking my hand, thank god he’s an Adam and Steve type of guy I thought.

We carried on chatting for what seemed like a good hour. These two certainly live the alternative lifestyle, telling me how they live up in Auckland and usually squat at homes that are being built or live between friends’ houses. Me and gothy had a New Year’s kiss at the countdown and we all continued chatting and drinking. As it does, the subject of sex came up and gothys gay friend; whose name is Lance, started going on about how great gothy is at giving head. Chiming in she admits she is and loves doing it. Getting all hot and horny she tells me she is going to the toilet inviting me to come, I leap up like a spring chicken. Lance says he needs to go as well; instant cock block I thought. Gothy takes me into the boy’s toilet’s kissing me and grabbing my penis out of my pants like a women possessed. She starts stroking it “you wanna try something fun” she asked “fuck yeah” I replied. Pointing to a make shift glory hole that had been made in the wall she tells me to put my penis in there and she will go into the toilet next door and suck me off. I shove my willy in there as fast as possible and suddenly my penis is getting the best blow job, damn this is some weird shit but it was so bloody good. Suddenly gothy reappears in my toilet but wait a fucking minute this blow job is still happening.

“WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING” I say in a frightened voice.

“Don’t worry” she says fondling my balls. “Just enjoy it”.

“Nah nah, oi stop please” I say to the blow jobber.

I stagger out of the toilet with a full chubby to find fucking Lance on this knees, “boy you seemed to really like that Seany”.

All I could get out of my mouth was “n n nah I didn’t”.

WHAT THE FUCK HAD JUST HAPPENED!!!! These filthy squatters had fooled me into thinking I was getting head from gothy only to find Lance sucking me off.

“Come back and let me finish you” Lance said excitedly.

“No fuck no, you guys tricked me, I’ve got to go” I said, and with that I fucking legged it out of there completely mind fucked as to what had just happened. I ran the half way back to my Aunty and Uncles along the beach leaving my cousin there to fend for himself, realizing how drunk I was and sit down to a rest and end up passing up on the sand dunes.

Well it’s been a few days since New Year’s now and I have processed what happened, another lesson learnt. If you get a blow job from putting your willy through a glory hole make sure you know, or are prepared for who is on the other fucking side!

 

Losing My Virginity

After a weekend of work and no play I decided to write about losing my virginity. Firstly before I start this blog, looking back I wish I hadn’t of been so young when I had sex for the first time and I do not condone under age sex, but this is my story of what has happened to me.

I was 12 when I had sex for the first time. I had just started form two at Tauranga Intermediate and Jennifer had been my girlfriend for over a year. Jennifer was a year older than me; I met her at school camp as both our classes went together. We snuck out after everyone was asleep and made out in the toilets; I thought I was so cool.  I shared a lot of firsts with Jennifer. She was the first girl that said she liked me, first girl I held hands with, first girl I kissed, first girl I went on a date with and first girl that I introduced to my parents.

Jennifer was now form three at High school. She had a lot of older friends that were in form four and five who used to brag that they always have sex with their boyfriends. So I guess Jennifer decided it was time for us to have sex because she didn’t want to be that awkward girl in her group that didn’t do anything.

I knew what sex was and had walked in on my mum and dad before but never had thought much of it. Dad had also taped over my Robocop video with hardcore porn which I had stumbled upon when I was looking to watch my video which I have spoken about in an older blog. That freaked me out seeing intense close ups of vaginas, that looked disgusting. At the same time soft-core porn would be screened on sky tv at midnight. I would wait up for that some nights and sneak into the lounge and put a duvet over me and the TV, as the TV lit up the whole room. I was fascinated by how easy they made it to sleep with girls. Does a pizza boy really get that lucky?!

Jennifer and I would meet up at the nearby park after school which is a great spot to make out as its covered in trees. One day we were shoving our tongues in and out of each other’s mouths and she started rubbing my pants. I was appalled at first. “What are you doing!?” I asked. She said not to worry, that it will feel good in a minute. By now we were lying down, she was on top of me when she moved down to perform oral sex on me. It felt exciting. She pulled down my shorts and boxers and started giving me Head. Then she stopped and whispered in my ear “do you have a condom”. Luckily we had just done sex education at school and I had a couple in my school bag. I did not have a clue how to put it on; I thought I had to put my balls in it too. It felt really sore at first and within 2 minutes it was all over, in the end we both finished feeling satisfied with a taste of what sex will feel like in the future for us – now that we were no longer virgins.

The more we practiced the more I realized what to do; we would meet at the park for about another two months. I felt like a stud and would show off to my mates about it, they couldn’t even talk to girls and I was having sex with one! Everything seemed perfect until one of Jennifer’s older friends started giving her shit because she was going out with a boy from intermediate. We didn’t have cell phones back then so I got a phone call at dinner one night and it was Jennifer. “I can’t see you anymore, goodbye” she hung up and as quick and blunt as that I was dumped and devastated. That ended my first sexual experience.

The Checklist

Ever been to the races, bet on a horse, and won?! The surprise and thrill of the win is a great feeling, just like when you sleep with a girl and she is shaven. Bringing a girl home is a lottery in itself with over half a dozen questions always going through my mind. Below is the list I try to check off before bedding a chick.

  • Is she on her period?
  • Does she stink down there?
  • Will she make me do oral?
  • Will she give me oral?
  • Is she a weirdo? (See some of my other blogs and you will understand why )
  • Does she shave?
  • Is she a man?

Ok the last one is usually easily confirmed by a quick Adams apple check in the night club! So after getting the girl back to my place the list begins to run through my head, drunk or not the list has become cemented into my mind. I can usually complete the list quite easily. Firstly making up a random conversation to do with tampons or something along those lines, then quickly asking “oh is it that time of month now” which is usually, and hopefully, answered with a “what the fuck, no haha”. One question down… unless she wears pads, then ya fucked! Slippery finger time, while it’s getting hot and heavy I have the remaining questions pondering in my mind. Slipping the finger down there, giving her a quick tickle for about a good minute (not to make it too obvious) then bringing it back to my nose and giving it a quick sniff checks of the remaining questions: Does it stink down there? If it does there is defiantly no oral for her and that means probably none for me. It checks the golden box of if she shaves or not and hey, if I’m really wasted it would check the last question of if she is actually a man. Hamilton can sometimes be a hard place to tell Adam from an Eve at the best of times, and Eve can easily turn into a Steve by the end of the night.

Why I hate blow jobs

Blow jobs; what guy doesn’t love a girl creating magic down there with her lips, mouth and if you’re lucky her throat 😉 Well sadly I don’t like them, it’s not really the fact I don’t like them per say, it’s that…well after this next story I share you might have a better understanding as to why. I have just found my old iPhone which has sparked this story from reading through old texts.

It was summer time here in New Zealand, it was January 2009. Girls were looking for summer lovin’ and I was more than happy to be multiple girls’ summertime fling. Single Ladies by Beyoncé was the number one song in the country which was great as when that song came on in the club it was so easy to spot the single girls. They’d be the ones waving their arms about asking for someone to put a ring on it. That’s not me love, but thank you for helping me out by letting me know you’re single.

Each year when I lived in Hamilton I would spend a month of summer in Tauranga at my parents. Hamilton nightlife was dead with university over for the year. At the same stage Tauranga town experiences it’s busiest two months of the year with all the uni kids back an of coarse all the tourists that flock in their masses to be by the beautiful beach.

One night I went out with two of my cousins that had come over from Australia who I hadn’t seen in a few years. We had been going bar to bar and they were really impressed by how I could pull the girls. I had hooked up with a few girls but nothing too great – that was until we entered the Bahama Hut night club. Soon Beyoncé’s single ladies came on, I spotted my pray busting out some ridiculous dance moves. I pounced; coming in with my dice shaker moves. Here’s a quick tip, if you know that they know that you know that your making a dick out of yourself by dancing and you get them to laugh your already at first base! She was a hot looking brunette, she looked around 20 years old and I could tell by her glassy eyes that she was as drunk as I felt. I waited for the song to finish and I quickly whispered in her ear that I thought she was hot.  Touching her arm I pulled away giving a sheepish smile and that’s all it took! After about another half a song we were playing tonsil hockey. I looked over at my two cousins and they gave me the big thumbs up. I took her up to the bar where we sunk a good half dozen shots. At this stage I was completely wasted, somehow we ended up in the girl’s toilet. She started speaking and I noticed she had a British accent, I love accents. She ordered me to take my pants off, I took them off and she started giving me head. It hurt so much she was using her teeth so much every suck it got worse. I was too wasted to tell her to stop but it felt like she was grating my dick in her mouth. All of a sudden she began to slow down the back and forth motion of the blow job. As I looked down I could see she was beginning to coma out, I began to lean back pulling my penis away from her but as I did she was falling back against the wall to coma. She bit down on my dick! Fortunately I had successfully pulled most of it out but I couldn’t get the tip out in time. As her teeth penetrated through the flesh of my cock I let out the biggest scream. I shook her head to wake her and luckily she immediately came to. I looked down at my best friend (not the girl, my penis!) and it had teeth holes in with dark dark blood beginning to ooze out. I snapped out of my drunken state and took off into the boy’s bathroom. My poor penis was so sore; I stuffed some toilet paper down my undies to form a makeshift nappy, grabbed my cousins and taxied home.

It took ages for my penis to heal and it was so painful whilst it tried to form a scab. Since then I have never trusted another girl with my penis in their mouth, if I did they have to be stone cold sober. I just have to look down and see the tooth scars on my mate to support my decision!