Manscaping

A boy or man comes to a point in his life when he looks down at his neither region and thinks ‘jeez that’s a bit hairy!’ Manscaping is what it’s generally referred to and if you are in your late teens or twenties, surely you have manscaped. If you haven’t I have a couple of tips before you decide to pick up ya mums razor to start pruning your pube bush.

A wise man once said ‘a little less lawn makes the tree appear taller’. Make it look natural. Firstly, do not use a razor! Girls get away with the shaven look, it’s hot. Real hot. I’m pretty sure if I was a girl and a guy pulled his pants down to show a bald doodle I would run for the hills! It just looks super weird. Also you’re likely to get ingrown hairs.

Using wax or that cream stuff will likely end in blood, sweat and a nasty rash. It usually doesn’t work very well anyway. All I use is the good old scissors, making sure not to cut anything off. Although I have attempted to cut the hair off my balls one time when I was drunk and gave the poor old sack cut. Don’t drink and snip!

Luckily I don’t have hair on my chest, although if I did I would probably give that Nads cream a go. I would never ever ever ever touch the hair under my arms after seeing what happened to a guy in my rugby team. He shaved under his arms and all that friction from sweat and what not created disgusting boils of puss and sweat under his arms, it was so sick!

That’s it for Tattooed Mulligans Friday quickie. Enjoy ya weekend and remember – Play hard, shag harder!

See you Monday!

Shes Got A BF

Its Saturday 18/10/2014. I’m heading to Hamilton to visit my rugby mates having a party and then were hitting the clubs. After a week of sunshine the heavens decide to open up and put a slight damper on the occasion. I get to my mates, before I can get out of the car I am being offered a beer. We start drinking at 2pm, its nice being back hanging out with the boys chatting the usual crap about girls and rugby. By 7pm the drinking games had started. ‘The circle of death’ was the name of the game also commonly known as ‘4 kings’. The game is pretty simple, an empty cup is placed in the middle of a circle of playing cards placed face down. The last king card to be revealed means the player must skull whatever has been poured in the cup. Each other card has a rule that is predetermined before the game starts. One of the cards this time was a dare card, so of course I get dared to do something stupid. My mate Ropata decided to dare me to strip naked and knock on the next door neighbour’s house and ask if they were looking for a good time. GREAT! Not one to back down from a dare I go to the toilet touching my dick to make it look half respectable. BOOM got a semi hard on going. I walk back down to the garage; my mates are laughing their heads off. I step out on the pavement looking over to the next door neighbour’s house. My heart starts racing, I hope these neighbours are hot girls! Feeling like a complete creep I walk over to the house. I look back and all my mates are out of the garage looking at what was about to happen. I knocked, I could hear some footsteps, and here we go I thought. The door opens and a middle aged Indian man is standing there. SHIT! I thought not hot girls. “Are you looking for a good time big boy” I shout at this bewildered man, shaking my bum so everything was jiggling down there. “Get the bloody hell out of here” he screams in his strong Indian accent. I take off back to the garage where everybody is in tears of laughter.

We continue playing this game till it’s time to get ready for town. As we get to town it’s hard not to notice all the new clubs and pubs. It seems every year here in Hamilton at least half a dozen places change their names for one reason or another. We head straight to Agenda wanting to have a dance. The place is pumping with girls hardly wearing anything and guys perving from every direction.  We stay here until about 2am then heading to The Outback. We hit the dance floor where I start dancing with this extremely hot blondie. We starting getting pretty into it, I starting touching her bum and we started kissing when suddenly I get turned about and SMACK, I get decked.  “That’s my fucking girlfriend” a huge looking guy shouts down at me. I’m still on the ground when he starts to kick me. Luckily by this stage my mates have seen what has happened and push him off me, giving me enough time to get up. Pushing them out of the way I punch him as hard as I can in the head, his nose literally explodes like a pimple with blood gushing out everywhere! My mates grab me yelling “we got to go, bouncers are coming”, we head out the side door where luckily a taxi is waiting. I dive right in and we head home still slightly shaken up with what had just transpire. I feel sad for the dude whose girlfriend blatantly couldn’t care less about him. Moral of this story for me is, if she looks really hot ask if she has a boyfriend…and if she does, is he here!

Why I hate blow jobs

Blow jobs; what guy doesn’t love a girl creating magic down there with her lips, mouth and if you’re lucky her throat 😉 Well sadly I don’t like them, it’s not really the fact I don’t like them per say, it’s that…well after this next story I share you might have a better understanding as to why. I have just found my old iPhone which has sparked this story from reading through old texts.

It was summer time here in New Zealand, it was January 2009. Girls were looking for summer lovin’ and I was more than happy to be multiple girls’ summertime fling. Single Ladies by Beyoncé was the number one song in the country which was great as when that song came on in the club it was so easy to spot the single girls. They’d be the ones waving their arms about asking for someone to put a ring on it. That’s not me love, but thank you for helping me out by letting me know you’re single.

Each year when I lived in Hamilton I would spend a month of summer in Tauranga at my parents. Hamilton nightlife was dead with university over for the year. At the same stage Tauranga town experiences it’s busiest two months of the year with all the uni kids back an of coarse all the tourists that flock in their masses to be by the beautiful beach.

One night I went out with two of my cousins that had come over from Australia who I hadn’t seen in a few years. We had been going bar to bar and they were really impressed by how I could pull the girls. I had hooked up with a few girls but nothing too great – that was until we entered the Bahama Hut night club. Soon Beyoncé’s single ladies came on, I spotted my pray busting out some ridiculous dance moves. I pounced; coming in with my dice shaker moves. Here’s a quick tip, if you know that they know that you know that your making a dick out of yourself by dancing and you get them to laugh your already at first base! She was a hot looking brunette, she looked around 20 years old and I could tell by her glassy eyes that she was as drunk as I felt. I waited for the song to finish and I quickly whispered in her ear that I thought she was hot.  Touching her arm I pulled away giving a sheepish smile and that’s all it took! After about another half a song we were playing tonsil hockey. I looked over at my two cousins and they gave me the big thumbs up. I took her up to the bar where we sunk a good half dozen shots. At this stage I was completely wasted, somehow we ended up in the girl’s toilet. She started speaking and I noticed she had a British accent, I love accents. She ordered me to take my pants off, I took them off and she started giving me head. It hurt so much she was using her teeth so much every suck it got worse. I was too wasted to tell her to stop but it felt like she was grating my dick in her mouth. All of a sudden she began to slow down the back and forth motion of the blow job. As I looked down I could see she was beginning to coma out, I began to lean back pulling my penis away from her but as I did she was falling back against the wall to coma. She bit down on my dick! Fortunately I had successfully pulled most of it out but I couldn’t get the tip out in time. As her teeth penetrated through the flesh of my cock I let out the biggest scream. I shook her head to wake her and luckily she immediately came to. I looked down at my best friend (not the girl, my penis!) and it had teeth holes in with dark dark blood beginning to ooze out. I snapped out of my drunken state and took off into the boy’s bathroom. My poor penis was so sore; I stuffed some toilet paper down my undies to form a makeshift nappy, grabbed my cousins and taxied home.

It took ages for my penis to heal and it was so painful whilst it tried to form a scab. Since then I have never trusted another girl with my penis in their mouth, if I did they have to be stone cold sober. I just have to look down and see the tooth scars on my mate to support my decision!