Testing the Faith Date Blog Recap

 

Another week, another date. Now before I start this recap I thought I better say that I don’t give much of a toss what people believe in, that’s their business and if you don’t force it on me I’m not one to care or judge. Though when I get woken up almost every second weekend to a bunch of door knockers whom are convinced I need saving from fucking Jehovah I soon begin to form opinions on these people. Anyway happily painting away this past week (not sure if I have mentioned that’s what I do for a job, house painter Mulligan, yup). I bumped into my mate at the local paint shop, he works for another painting outfit. He knows of my dates I go on and suggests going on a blind date with his new worker. I was so keen, almost jumping out of my skin thinking that I don’t have to stoop to finding one off tinder. I asked him about her, but he was acting really coy as he said “It’s going to be a blind date bro, it be good for your tweet thingy”. I needed to know something though as he wouldn’t even give me her number telling me he would tell her where to meet me. Finally as he was jumping in his van he said “ok ok ok I will tell you one thing about her; she’s a Jehovah Witness” and with a chuckle he drove off, well this was going to be an interesting date. The few following days leading up to the date I was actually pretty nervous not knowing what to expect or say. Time seems to go fast as before I knew it, it was the day of the date. Fuck I thought – I better have a few beers.

12`3

It was so hot on Saturday here in Tauranga at 28 degrees, which made the beers go down even better then usual. So after a few in the pool it was off to meet my blind date.

45

 

As I get there I spot her sitting at the back left table, where my mate had organised her to sit. As I walk over she peers up from her phone and I could see her looking me up and down with her eyes which felt like more than what one of my other dates would usually do. “Hi you must be Mandy, I’m Sean” I say smiling “Hi” is all she says in return in a cold unfriendly voice. I attempt to start the usual chit chat but instead of getting answers and receiving questions she just gives one word answers, what a rude bitch. That’s when I thought fuck it I’m going to ask about her Jehovah Witness faith because hey she doesn’t want to ask me anything about myself.

6 7

89

101213

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ask I begin to ask her about her Jehovah-ness I could tell she had already made her mind up that she didn’t want to be here, but to her credit she did answer most things I put to her. I almost felt bad for her when she said she didn’t even know her date of birth, but when she dissed my tattoos practically calling them disgraceful well any shit I gave went out the bloody window. It was time to get another drink and piss this tart off.

11.jpg14

15

I hadn’t really got a clue as to what would be too far with her, then I thought fuck I could say anything and she would be offended. What I tweeted next wouldn’t even make my mum raise an eyebrow but when I said it to Mandy, well she fucking stormed out disgusted in what she had just heard leaving me to fork out for the bill.

16.jpg17

18

Well the date was over but the night was young and I was tipsy, so off to the pub I went. Now usually the pub is going off but it was as dead as the fucking chemistry between me and my date. Not letting the mundane atmosphere get in the way I began to drink and drink and drink until I began singing karaoke. I thought I was the next Sam Smith busting out some huge ballads which looking back at it now, I feel sorry for the bar staff. After a couple of hours this bar was still only under a quarter full so I thought bugger it I’m going to see if my stripper friend was at work. Yup she was, and she was so happy to see me giving me a topless hug. In fact she was so happy to see me she finished early! Well I don’t really need to say what happened for the rest of my night apart from hide the sausage became a reality – wahoo!!

12625955_10207456819810548_721530226_n

 

 

Mulligans Brothel Adventures

Back in the day as a naive eighteen-year-old, going to a brothel seemed like a scary idea when my mate brought it up. Fast forward nearly ten years later the idea of visiting a brothel seems as normal as buying a loaf of bread. Yes, I have been to brothels numerous times and I will most probably stumble into one again. Looking back on my first time at one my two mates had the time of their lives. We had saved all our money working part time jobs while going to school and come the end of the year we were off to Sydney Australia for a boy’s holiday. We headed out on our first night in Australia to Kings Cross, a notorious part of Sydney made famous on the television show ‘Underbelly’. We went night clubbing in a club called ‘Candy’s Apartment’, it was pumping. Hanz was the first to hook up with someone followed closely by me. Tim was far too drunk; he had continued drinking all his duty free spirits after we had got off the plane. We ended up in Porky’s Nite Spot. Porky’s is part of the seedy side of Kings Cross and is famous for being one of those classic sleazy neon-lit strip clubs where bouncers were constantly throwing horny punters out for being too rough with the dancers. We sat in complete shock, there were boobs everywhere. Being young we got hustled for our money pretty good by the strippers. Tim went all out tipping them, getting a private lap dance. He was completely in his element. Eventually we all got so worked up we had no choice but to go visit the local brothel. I couldn’t bring myself to pay for sex so I stayed in the waiting room (these days I would be getting amongst it!!). Tim and Hanz wanted the same girl so they decided to pay a bit extra to have a threesome with her, which is something that doesn’t seem to be allowed at brothels I have visited here in New Zealand. I waited for half an hour for them to finally reappear, Tim smiling from ear to ear and Hanz couldn’t stop laughing. I asked him what was so funny and he told me after he was done Tim went down on the prostitute! I don’t go down on one nighters let alone prostitutes! To make this even more funny they were the last two clients of her busy shift. Poor old Tim had licked a snatch that had been entered by least a dozen guys in the past couple of hours and by our mate Hanz just before him! Safe to say when Tim realized this afterwards he suddenly become very, very sick.

Over the next nearly ten years since that time I have visited numerous brothels. Buying rugby boys a blow job from Hamilton’s Calendar Girls for their 21st birthdays became a normal thing. I knew the owner pretty well and he would shout me a few beers while I waited for the lad to get his cream donut. One time while being in Hawkes Bay after not scoring a girl in Havlock North, I decided to wander into a brothel in Hastings. If you know Hastings you would know that this was a big fucking mistake already. The only girl working was a 50 something year old fat bean bag. After wheeling and dealing I managed to get her down to $40 for twenty minutes. After making me shower I come out to this fucking walrus sprawled on the bed “how do you want me big boy” she said attempting to put on a sexy voice. “ummmmm I like doggystyle” I said. She put a condom on me with her month, an awesome trick if ya teeth aren’t bloody yellow. So there I was thrusting away on this fucking thing that was older than my mum when I realized my condom had slipped off, not thinking too much about it I finished up and was on my merry way. The following day going for a pee felt like fucking razor blades, that’s when I remembered the condom falling off. Eventually getting tested the following Tuesday and getting the dreaded results back on Friday. The doctor confirmed that I had contracted gonorrhoea, the worst sounding fucking sexually transmitted infection ever thought of. Luckily with the right medicine I got it rid of it in no time to the biggest relief of my life to date…. well until I contracted chlamydia but that’s a whole different story!