Last Minute Date Recap

1

As I started to get ready for a night alone, gearing up to watch the latest wrestling DVD that came in the mail a text came through from a lady I have been messaging for over a month off of Tinder. She was asking if I wanted to go out to get a bite. Feeling slightly lonely after a previous full on weekend with 3 dates I replied with a “sure”. 2So with that it was time to get out of my footy shorts, jump in the shower and meet this lady at a place she wanted to go to called the Citz Club which I had never heard of.

When I got to the place there was an ambulance outside which was just leaving with its lights on, not thinking anything of it I got out of the car and text Chrissy I was here, she explained she was upstairs so I went on in. When I got to the top and peered in I found out exactly what the Citz club was, it was short for Citizens club i.e RSA, bingo club, where old people dine out.

3

It wasn’t hard finding which one my date was as she was the only one without fucking grey hair. I went right over to her, she was talking to some old lady whom I found out later was her aunty. With a forced smile I said hello to them both. Once I got Chrissy alone I asked her why the hell did she want to come here for to which she explained its cheap and she used to work here; which are all of the reasons why I wouldn’t go somewhere.

45

She was right about the drinks being super cheap and the meals were too, except they looked and tasted like fucking slop.

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14

The longer we spent here the busier it got with zimmer frame after walking stick filling the bloody room. As for this lady, she was very forth coming asking me a lot of shite. I thought I was getting interrogated at one stage. It was question after question like:

  • How long have you been on tinder?
  • How many people have you met up with off tinder?
  • What made you want to meet up with me?
  • Are you a whore?

Suddenly a voice came over the loud speaker announcing that it was time for the Wednesday waltz. Fuck sake; although it did stop all the questions.

15

Now at this stage my phone went flat, I wasn’t prepared for this date so it wasn’t fully charged to begin with. She asked if I wanted to waltz – like fuck. Wanting to make the most of the cheap beers I suggested we go talk to her aunty who worked at the bar. Bad fucking move as I got another round of bloody questions from her aunty, more subtle ones but still. After Chrissy started talking to a couple of the regulars and ended up leaving me with her aunty while she did the waltz, I decided it was time to go. Another couple of lessons learnt for Mr Mulligan. Find out exactly where it is you are dining and sometimes alcohol just can’t save a terrible night.

 

 

 

 

Weekend Of Damage

As I head through Rotorua on my way to Taupo the stench of sulpha makes its way through my nostrils. It’s a strong smell of rotten eggs. “I’m glad I’m not staying here tonight” I say to my mate Jase who is on his third beer already. In hindsight we should have stayed there and not carried on to Taupo. What a messy weekend it was.

We pulled into a car park just off the main road in Taupo and started shopping around the back packers to find out which one would suit us. We finally settled on the backpackers, it was a pretty run down place but it had two things going for it; It was cheap and you could bring your own alcohol up to drink on the deck, loving it!

Jase and I chucked our bags in the room and headed straight to the bottle shop. I texted my other two mates who were coming from Naiper to let them know where we were staying. I couldn’t pick what to drink so I went for the ol’ faithful – the mighty Waikato draught beer! We headed back to the deck at the backpackers where we started chopping them back. By the time my other mates arrived Jase and I were already half way through our boxes. Luckily the guys had brought heaps more beers and also a bottle of the hot stuff.

We continued drinking for a while talking shit and getting louder and louder. Suddenly Jase had a brilliant idea to play a game he calls ‘Pussy’. He quickly explained this stupid came in his drunk state saying that we crack the bottle of the hot stuff, which I recall was a 1L bottle of Jim Beam, we have a swig and pass it to the next person. Whoever pulls out first is the pussy and has to be our slave for the night. The other three of us reluctantly agree. To cut a long story short none of us gave up so in about five minutes the four of us had finished off a bottle of Jim Beam. Things started to get a bit blurry now. We staggered back to our room to get ready for town. I thought it would be funny to grab the fire extinguisher from the hall way and spray Jase with it. Pointing it at the back of his head he turned around and at point blank range I sprayed him right in the face. Suddenly it was all on! He grabbed it off me and did the same thing. Before we knew it the whole room was filled up with white foam. Not to be out done my other mate flipped the mattresses and started going ape shit; I tried to tackle him but missed and smashed the window in the room. We thought we would just sort it out in the morning so we continued to party heading down to the clubs. We got turned away from the majority of them so I went back to the room and went to bed.

Waking up the next morning I slowly opened my eyes and wish I hadn’t! I had pissed the bed WHAT THE FUCK I thought. I felt like I was in lake Taupo. I looked around and saw one of the guys had punched a hole in the wall, the window was completely smashed and the empty fire extinguisher was right in the middle of the room. We had to be out by 10 and it was already 9.30. I wake the guys up asking who made the hole in the wall but nobody could remember – typical. I went and told the owner what had happened and he took it rather well, looking at the damage he asked us to stay until he got a quote on how much it would cost to fix. Eight hundred dollars was the quote being it a Sunday. Considering I smashed the big window I paid six hundred and the guys paid the rest. What a messy, messy weekend. Never drinking again ever, until next weekend!