Another Weekend Another Tale

If you had told my 17 year old self that I would be shagging triple the amount of girls off of online dating apps instead of clubbing in town, I would have laughed in your face and told you that was flat out bloody creepy. Roll on ten years later and I only find myself going out once a week at the most with the dating app tinder using up the rest of my time. This last weekend I left town for a girl off of tinder.

I left Tauranga for Hamilton on Saturday, heading straight to my old local super liquor in Hamilton East, picking up a 12 pack of shots and a box of beers. I was staying at my mate Scotty’s place and within 5 minutes of being there we had already downed two beers and a shot. I knew we were in for a messy night when Scotty punched a hole in his wall, but instead of thinking ‘lets stay in tonight and watch the footy’ we decided to head to town.

It wasn’t long until every second club started denying us entry because of our intoxication levels. I decided to jump on tinder sitting outside a club trying to sober up a little. In my drunken state I did a mass swipe right, liking anything and anyone, it could have been a fucking goat with a profile and I would have liked it. It wasn’t long until I had some likes back with messages such as “Hi there, what’s your plans tonight”, these Hamilton girls don’t fuck about. I arranged to get picked up by an apparent nurse who was just finishing a 12 hour shift and needed some loving. I broke the news to my mate that he was on his own and I got picked up by this female stranger who I had only messaged a dozen times. We went back to her place which was on the outskirts of Hamilton, I couldn’t help thinking I was on my way to be murdered. After some good sexual chatter in the car we got to her place around half two and immediately got down to business. This wasn’t this 30 something year olds first rodeo, scratching the shit out of my back while telling me to “fuck me harder cowboy” (do I look like a cowboy?) she jumped on top and went hell for leather, I felt as if my willy was going to snap. Anyway it lasted a whooping 15 minutes, which is pretty good for me. After it was done she gave me a ride home to my mates, even going through the McDonalds drive through buying me a LARGE combo – fucking awesome!

Why I Bleed Blue

Yes, before you ask I am a Kiwi. A.k.a a sheep shagger, a dole bludger, a hobbit or whatever else we are called over the ditch, but I bleed blue. Ever since I was eight years old I have been a huge supporter of the blues; which I guess is weird for a kiwi boy that should only know who the bloody all blacks are. Which for me was true until I met a boy named Steven.

It was the first day at school for the year. It was roll call time, when my name got called “Mulligan” some kids laughed, and then later the teasing started. The main culprit was a boy named Steven who was doing most of the teasing. Steve was the typical looking bully; a big fat kid that enjoyed picking on other kids just because he could. He began to tease me again at lunchtime but by this stage I had had enough. I really let him have it, blooding his nose up pretty good. We were taken to the principal’s office, but we didn’t really get into any trouble as neither of us dobbed on each other.

Steve and I quickly made up and soon became friends. We ended up playing rugby together, he would always ask if I liked the Blues to which I would say “the Auckland Blues?” he would shake his head in disgust, “Oh god no, state of origin! New South Wales mate, ask your mum if you can stay at mine tonight game one is on” Steven said with a smile. It was 1995 and I remember watching in amazement as these two rugged teams unapologetically batted and bruised each other, this was awesome! This was my first glimpse’s of Andrew Johns and Geoff Tovey – who’s half combination that night was amazing, I was hooked! that year the Blues won the series 3-0 and had gained a new fan in the process.

Later that year Steven sadly died in a tragic accident when his mother ran him over while he was on his bike, obviously not seeing him. I ended up being one of his pallbearers at his funeral, as his casket was being lowered I remember making a promise to Steven that I would never miss an Origin match ever again. To this day I have never broken that promise. I will be going out to the local pub tonight to watch game 2, as I do every year. I keep an empty seat next to me for Steven and together we watch the mighty Blues go to work. I bleed Blue.

Black Eyed Shagga 

After playing a brutal rugby tournament last Saturday which included yours truly scoring a great try, the sweet sound of beer bottles cracking open was music to my ears. After sinking at least half a dozen in the changing rooms I jumped in a mini van full of us boys and headed off to a house to continue drinking. 

Everything was going great, all us guys analysing the game we had just played, each of us trying to put our two cents in on how if we had played differently we could have won the whole tournament. Suddenly I remembered that none of them had seen my tattoo I have recently gotten of my one millionth Twitter follower which turned out to be @BieberFeverrr16, obviously a Justin Bieber fan. Well me being me and not thinking twice I begin to parade my new tattoo off to everyone. One thing that fucks me off is when your in a group of people, there is always a couple of them that ignore you when your talking or showing something, it grates on my nerves. So thinking one of the boys was deliberately ignoring me (which he bloody was!) I thrust my arm in his face “seen my new tattoo mate” and the next thing I know I’m waking up on the ground with an extremely sore face. The wanker had punched me in the face and knocked me out, I look up from the ground feeling pretty dazed and confused to a couple of the boys pushing him back and asking why he did that for. I remember him saying “I fucking hate Justin Bieber, thats the stupidest thing I have ever seen, and he put it right in my face”. I get up holding my face “what the fuck bro?” I say to him. He glanced over at me realising what he had done and suddenly became really apologetic. We managed to hug it out just before the taxi to town got there. 

With a puffed up cheek I was pretty reluctant to go to town but I thought buggar it i’ll go. Now this might be hard to believe but I got more attention from girls than ever before! “aww your poor face” “are you ok” “what happened!?” are just a few comments from girls I got at the club. Who would of thought getting whacked in the head would be such a great opener to talk to girls! Well I ended up turning a negative of getting punched in the face into a  positive by scoring a pretty nice looking chick. I shagged in her the night club toilets as she didn’t wanna ditch her friends. Funny how she said “I can’t hear you over this music, lets go in here and talk”. I can tell you right now that there wasn’t any fucking talking that took place, because when the door shut she whipped down my pants faster then I could string the sentence “what do you wanna talk about” together. 

Well thats it from this black eyed shagga, thanks so much for reading and remember when something appears to be bad it can always turn itself into some good 😊

Shes Got A BF

Its Saturday 18/10/2014. I’m heading to Hamilton to visit my rugby mates having a party and then were hitting the clubs. After a week of sunshine the heavens decide to open up and put a slight damper on the occasion. I get to my mates, before I can get out of the car I am being offered a beer. We start drinking at 2pm, its nice being back hanging out with the boys chatting the usual crap about girls and rugby. By 7pm the drinking games had started. ‘The circle of death’ was the name of the game also commonly known as ‘4 kings’. The game is pretty simple, an empty cup is placed in the middle of a circle of playing cards placed face down. The last king card to be revealed means the player must skull whatever has been poured in the cup. Each other card has a rule that is predetermined before the game starts. One of the cards this time was a dare card, so of course I get dared to do something stupid. My mate Ropata decided to dare me to strip naked and knock on the next door neighbour’s house and ask if they were looking for a good time. GREAT! Not one to back down from a dare I go to the toilet touching my dick to make it look half respectable. BOOM got a semi hard on going. I walk back down to the garage; my mates are laughing their heads off. I step out on the pavement looking over to the next door neighbour’s house. My heart starts racing, I hope these neighbours are hot girls! Feeling like a complete creep I walk over to the house. I look back and all my mates are out of the garage looking at what was about to happen. I knocked, I could hear some footsteps, and here we go I thought. The door opens and a middle aged Indian man is standing there. SHIT! I thought not hot girls. “Are you looking for a good time big boy” I shout at this bewildered man, shaking my bum so everything was jiggling down there. “Get the bloody hell out of here” he screams in his strong Indian accent. I take off back to the garage where everybody is in tears of laughter.

We continue playing this game till it’s time to get ready for town. As we get to town it’s hard not to notice all the new clubs and pubs. It seems every year here in Hamilton at least half a dozen places change their names for one reason or another. We head straight to Agenda wanting to have a dance. The place is pumping with girls hardly wearing anything and guys perving from every direction.  We stay here until about 2am then heading to The Outback. We hit the dance floor where I start dancing with this extremely hot blondie. We starting getting pretty into it, I starting touching her bum and we started kissing when suddenly I get turned about and SMACK, I get decked.  “That’s my fucking girlfriend” a huge looking guy shouts down at me. I’m still on the ground when he starts to kick me. Luckily by this stage my mates have seen what has happened and push him off me, giving me enough time to get up. Pushing them out of the way I punch him as hard as I can in the head, his nose literally explodes like a pimple with blood gushing out everywhere! My mates grab me yelling “we got to go, bouncers are coming”, we head out the side door where luckily a taxi is waiting. I dive right in and we head home still slightly shaken up with what had just transpire. I feel sad for the dude whose girlfriend blatantly couldn’t care less about him. Moral of this story for me is, if she looks really hot ask if she has a boyfriend…and if she does, is he here!