Sleeping with a Gang Memebers Daughter

Ok if you think a girl’s hot but her Dad’s an active senior member of a gang DO NOT MESSAGE HER! I wish this could be the end of the blog and I could say that’s exactly what I did; but as I sit her typing this up I’m nursing two black eyes and a suspected broken nose.

Now to be fair, at the beginning when I began messaging this beautiful 20-something-year-old girl, I had no idea of her gang ties. As we got talking she mentioned her dad was in one of the local gangs. Umm what the fuck do I say to that? Well I say like any dork would, “Oh he must have a sweet motorbike.”

I should’ve left it at that, said have a nice life and fucking RUN but no I continued to flirt with her and eventually organised to meet her.

I drove over to her house to pick her up, I didn’t know she lived with her parents but when I pulled up a Harley was parked in the drive way “Here x” I texted her. “Umm this is awk but dad wants to meet you, can you come say hi xxx?” was her reply. Fuck I thought. I nervously approach the door and am met by this huge mammoth of a man. “Hi there mate, here to pick Ashley up” I stammer, I extend my hand to shake his, he doesn’t shake mine, instead he looks around and says in a deep booming voice “Ashley your boy’s here.”

We go for dinner at a local restaurant which was nice, Ashley seemed pretty straight up, honest and quite frankly fairly rude which was a bit intimidating to me as I’m used to shy girls who open up after a couple of drinks. Not Ashley. She was loud and rude to the waitress. When our dinner turned up she grunted, looked at the waitress and said “about time.”

After dinner I should’ve made an excuse that something had come up and dropped her home but no. Thinking with my other head I invite her back to mine and we shag. The sex was good but definitely not worth what was yet to come.

Knowing pretty much from the get-go that I couldn’t see myself in a relationship with Ashley, the days following that night I completely blanked her, ignoring her messages, not opening her snaps, just being complete dickhead. Well this must’ve really pissed Ashley off because on Monday as I got back from my run I noticed a Harley motorbike parked outside my house. Thinking it might be my petrol head neighbour’s friend I carry on walking up the drive. FUCK! As I get up my drive I see what looks like the grim fucking reaper, it’s Ashley’s dad!

“Ashley tells me you are being a fuck cunt to her” he barks at me as he walks over to me. Before I can even get two words out, he punches me in the guts instantly winding me then punches me in the nose making it explode with blood “You be nice to my baby girl, if I hear you aren’t I will be back for another chat” he says as he walks off.

After profusely apologising to Ashley, she must’ve got wind that her dad didn’t actually just have a word with me as she says sorry and asks if we can be just friends. Well fuck me that is fine with me. One thing I learned from this scary experience is don’t be a dirtbag and blank a chick after you have slept with her, her dad might be a bloody gang member.

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The Happy Ending Massage Story

For a guy who prides himself on being a bit of a sexual deviant, I haven’t had a happy ending massage… WTF! I was in Melbourne two weekends back for a catch up with some mates when one of them questioned if I had ever had a erotic Thai massage. My answer quite simply was no, but dammit this motivated me to have one!

Now for those of you who don’t know what a erotic Thai massage is; basically it’s just a massage with a hand job at the end.. basically. Now let’s paint the scene before we get to the happy ending.

On the Thursday  I flew out to Melbourne, loaded up with duty free booze and as soon as we touched down it was balls to the walls drinking.

I was staying in a motel in the heart of the city called Space Motel, an upmarket hostel. I met my mates who had booked the same motel. By this stage I was fucking legless and the rest of the night’s a bloody blur.

I woke up at about 6am in a pool of my own piss, yes human fucking urine. So for the next day I went shopping for a bloody blow dryer to dry my sheets and pee-infused mattress.

The next night I bedded a Swedish chick and my god, she was freaking sexy. I took her back to my room and we were enjoying the drunk sex for a few minutes until she noticed the bed was wet. My pee hadn’t dried and it fucking STUNK, in her broken English she said “eww pee pee ewww disgusting” and she took off, fuck me dead that was so bloody embarrassing.

Finally it was the day of the massage. After scouting a few places I settled on one in the city called Tender Touch. When I arrived I was welcomed by an Asian-looking Mr Bean, “Hi are you here for some boom boom?” he asked, “No, no, just a massage, happy one” I explained. He stood there for a second so I continued saying “Massage” and sign language with my hands “happy ending” doing the wanking action. “Oh oh ok hi hi, I bring girls for you to pick.”

After about 10 girls walking out introducing themselves to me, I felt like a judge on American Idol about to give one the ticket to Hollywood. I ended up choosing Ayumi, a slim looking Asian who was very, very beautiful. She invited me into the room “You undress now, all clothes off” she commanded. She came back in as I had stood there naked, “You sure you no want boom boom, you a sexy man?” she asked trying to up-sell me a shag. “No, no just a massage and happy ending thanks”

She begin massaging my back and holy heck it was so good, just the right amount of pressure. She worked her way down to my bum and began massaging me bum hole, “This is fucking weird” I thought. She focused on this area a bit too much, rubbing her thumbs into the hole. After drinking heavily the night before, all this did was make me wanna have a poo. “Turn over now” she told me. I turned over and she began the happy ending. She began rubbing my balls and then eventually started wanking me. I didn’t last long, she was that good I exploded all over my stomach. “Ohh wow lots of juice” she giggled and with that she left the room.

Well that was different but I’m glad I can tick that off my deviant bucket list. Wonder what I could do next? The Mile High club sounds like a good idea!  Merry Christmas and Happy New Year guys and gals. Thanks so much for reading my blogs over the year.

Do’s & Don’ts When Attending A Swingers Party

Well after attending my 3rd swingers party and witnessing a couple get kicked out (no joke!) I thought I would list a few dos and don’ts when attending one of these get togethers. Our group actually sends a list before attending to newbies just in case.

Firstly Don’t come in bare feet or jandals (flip flops, thongs whatever you call ’em) These are sophisticated events so rocking up in a fucking singlet, shorts and no shoes on is a big no no.

Next while we are on the clothing subject, a collared polo or dress shirt is what’s expected along with dress pants or dress jeans. For the ladies a dress or shirt and skirt is what’s required – anything else has to be approved by the hosts ahead of time.

One big Don’t is don’t get too drunk, now this happened the last time with a female guest getting really intoxicated. Now add in getting very loud it was a recipe for disaster. “Who wants to fuck me?!!!!!!” she yelled out, “When’s all the fucking going to start?” she moaned. It got to the point where she got asked to leave and then forced to leave. She was a newbie and was obviously nervous, so to come out of her shell she drunk super fast. From all accounts she should’ve stayed in her fucking shell.

Another no no is if you wanna shag someone’s date, make sure your date’s into the partner. Last time my partner was chatting up some bloke and didn’t ask me if I was keen on the woman – I wasn’t – she was as interesting as watching fucking golf on tv. Being a good wingman I still shagged her; almost hitting my ball in the rough a few times but eventually getting a hole in one.

A couple more Dos and Don’ts are –

Bring condoms, common courtesy and respect. Some couples may not mind not using them but everyone’s different

Bring alcohol. Even though the hosts put on drinks and snacks, it’s always nice to bring a bottle of wine for the hosts.

Don’t bring RTD drinks like vodka cruises, pre-mixed Jim Beam, 12-24 boxes of beer. This isn’t a fucking garage party with mates. 6-pack of beer or a bottle of wine is fine. But as stated before, the hosts have that covered.

Well that’s it for what to do at a swingers party, blog about Thai massage Parlour Happy Endings with be up next.

I Have A Girlfriend… Had

3 days have passed and I’m still feeling sick to my stomach. No it wasn’t the result of drugs, pills or dodgy sex; I got dumped. Yes I had a girlfriend for three whole weeks, the longest relationship I’ve been in for a long, long time.

It all began when I met this girl over in Scotland back in August. We had kept in contact ever since with her eventually flying to New Zealand to be with me. For the first week or so everything was amazing, the sex? AMAZING, everything you could dream of, blowjobs, toys, biting and even the odd finger up the bum. The second week, well fuck me, if you have ever thought someone has a different personality when they drink, think that but times a hundred.

The first night of meeting Jen’s drunk personality happened at the local fishing club. Every second week me and the boys go to the local fishing club for a catch-up and to participate in quiz night. Jen got shit-faced quickly and began loudly asking to suck my penis in front of all the other teams. My mates were looking at me wondering who the fuck was this girl I had invited?

She then attempted to take my penis out of my pants and suck it in front of the place. Now, take into account there were families there, this was fucked. I put this night down to her being nervous but two nights later shit was inexcusable – although surely just this would’ve been to most people.

So the dreadful night was finally here, my mates were having a party at their house, what a perfect time for them to meet my new girlfriend Jen I thought. We go to their place and everyone was having a good time, drinking beers, listening to music and dancing.

We all then decided to head to town, at this point I noticed Jen’s drunken alter ego was coming out as she let me finger bang her in the taxi on the way to town, something her sober self would detest. We went to the local bar club called The Mellick, the live band was pumping. Jen was being social, talking to a couple while the rest of us were enjoying the band. I went to get us a drink and turned around just in time to see Jen leaving with the couple! “Where you going babe?” I said, thinking maybe she’s just going outside for a ciggie. “Going back to their place for a threesome” she said bluntly. Ya fucking what?! Before I could stop her, she was in the taxi and on her way home with them.

That night for me was the lowest of lows, wasn’t I good enough? Is she actually having a threesome? What the fuck just happened? Am I dreaming? Well most of those questions got answered in the morning when she finally answered her phone “oh my god Sean, I am so

sorry” she messaged.

She went on to admit she had slept with the couple and tried to make me believe she regretted it.

Well suffice to say we broke up after that night and she was on her way back to where she came from. That’s me done with relationships for the foreseeable future, that really gave me self doubt about myself and make me question a lot of things. Time to get back to tinder, shagging and making music, bring on the summer!

Live Tweeting at a Swingers Party

Sometimes going to something the second time never lives up to what it was like the first time. But suck me sideways, this second time at a swingers party was amazeballs!
I got permission to live tweet the event as last time I shagged the hosts; I didn’t even know they were until we got invited to a private Facebook group to set this party up. The only conditions people had were no photos and no names on the tweets which was fine by me.

When we got to the party there was no sign of the dude who had the pineapple rings around his penis – which sucked as he was pretty funny. It was almost a completely different set of people apart from the hosts and one other couple. 

After chatting for a while, every second person was a business owner from around the local area obviously looking for a bit of fun away from the stresses of work.

Two pretty extroverted couples announced they are going into the bedroom and people were free to come watch. You don’t have to tell me fucking twice or my partner in crime for that fact. These couples weren’t shy either, dicks, fannies, tits and balls were on show for everybody to see. The couples started sucking their partners then changed over. The guys followed suit then oral, one of the girl’s bushes looked straight out of the 70’s, hairy as fuck. I felt sorry for the dudes that had to eat that, a little care trim goes a long way. 

The guys began shagging these two woman missionary, then swapping over, then the girls wanted a go on top. One of the woman told me to grab her tits, this is awesome I thought! Not long both guys’ corks blew and it was back to the party we went. 

We started chatting to a younger couple who seemed pretty cool, girl was blonde about 5’1′ and looked about 25. The bloke was in his early thirties from what I could tell. They were newly married but had an open relationship from the get go as they both liked sharing each other. 

They invited us to go down to a room, my date was a little reluctant because the guy thought he was hot shit, but she knew I wanted to shag his mrs so off we went. Now you know when some people like heaps of sauce of their fries/chips? Well these motherfuckers were the same when it pertained to lube. Fuck me they used what felt like half a bottle on my date and me. It was the slipperiest fuck ever, so slippery I went to do doggy style with the dude’s mrs and my dick slid right into her arse. “Ughhhhhhh” she yelped, “wrong hole! wrong hole!” 

Apart from the overuse of the lube the sex was amazing, the woman was amazing on top and even twerked – fucking awesome! We left the party not long after that still smelling like strawberry fucking lube!

Surgeon Date Recap

So these last two weeks have been pretty bloody tough to be honest, my nephew is basically in hospital permanently now which sucks. He is up in Auckland at a hospital called Starship, which is about 3 and a half hours from where I live.Luckily my boss is pretty chill and lets me drive up whenever I ask. 

I met a surgeon up there you in the cafeteria, we got talking and I let her know why I was there and that I was from Tauranga. She mentioned her parents live in Tauranga in a suburb called Matua and that she would be coming down for the weekend. I asked her if she wasn’t too busy if she would like to get a drink when she’s down; she smiles and says of course, yeahhaa boy!

We start texting and Snapchatting for a few days leading up to our Friday date with her even sending a naked snap which was bloody lush. On the Thursday night after she sent the nudie snap we got talking about sex and she asked if I had any fetishes. I must’ve sounded fucking boring as I couldn’t think of any. I asked her if she had any, her reply was weird and not very forthcoming. “I do but most people find it really weird so I don’t tell them until they know me well” she said.

Well fuck me, it could be anything a lot of weird shit started going through my mind. What if it’s poo porn? What if it’s humping a pillow porn, foot porn, shoving things up guy’s arses? – oh God not again.

After pressing her for a bit she wouldn’t reveal what her fetish was so come Friday I was slighty nervous and so was my bung hole. The chemistry was instantly noticeable when we started drinking, me pretending to be dumber than I am, asking stupid questions about surgeries etc. I again asked her what her fetish was but she wouldn’t tell me. After half a dozen shots of tequlia she opened up “I like to masturbate over those Dr Pipple popping videos, please don’t laugh” um what the fuck? Even in my drunken state I knew that was fucked up and all I could say to pretend it wasn’t too fucked was “oh well at least you’re not into poo porn”. I changed the subject pretty swiftly after that revelation.

Come midnight we taxied back to mine and, me being the gentleman and trying to support her fucked-up fetish, I asked her if she wanted to watch one. “Omg yes please if you don’t mind, there is a new one out I haven’t seen where she bursts a massive cyst.” I put the Youtube clip on the TV and she immediately starts fucking me, first with me on top, but she can’t get a good view of the TV. So she jumps on top and reverse cowgirls it. Now picture this fucked up situation; On the TV is a massive fucking cyst on some unwashed fucker’s back getting popped and then look at us, this chick is jumping up and down on my doodle organsming over this filthy shit. No amount of hotness would make me want to do this again but hey she fucking loved it.

After we finished I immediately turn the TV off as she gushed “that was the best sex ever”. All I could say was “that’s nice” because quite frankly that was one of the weirdest bloody things I have ever been a part of! 

Shite on the dance floor

Girls don’t like it if ya leave them in the club for long periods of time nor do they like it if ya fart during sex. Well this past weekend both of those things happened last night
I had been messaging this girl for a couple of days off of this new dating app called Bumble (surely whoever made that app could’ve named it something fucking better them bloody Bumble) when I thought fuck I’m getting bored with all this chitchat bullshit, I’ll just ask her out. She said yes, I got her address and promised to pick her up at 10pm that night. Around this time my stomach began playing up, feeling really tight, but thinking it was just indigestion, I thought nothing of it. 

I took her to the rugby flat where several dozen people had congregated earlier to watch the Maori All Blacks play the British & Irish Lions. We started pre-loading before going to town, doing shots of homemade spirits to doing funnels of beer, shit was getting hectic. We all decided it was time to go when my mate Bazza decide to tackle the wall; the wall lost. 

When we got to town the majority of us got declined entry at most places but luckily my mate knew the bouncers on the Bahama Hut nightclub door so in we went. We started dancing or attempting to, the place was packed, my stomach began playing up again. I thought I would let it out with a hard satisfying fart…. 

 

Arhhhhh Sqeeze Arhhhhh

 

PLOOP…. OMG 

 

FUCK

 

I’ve shit myself.

 

I bolt to the bathroom, pushing past people feeling the runny shit dribbling down my inner of my pants. I get to the toilet, pull my pants down and it looks like a fucking bomb had gone off in there. Still pretty drunk and not wanting to cut the night short I grab my soiled undies and take them with me back to the nightclub. Just before I spot my date I drop them on the dance floor and shuffle over to her. “Where have you been!” she wails. “Taking care of some business in the loo” I yell to her over the loud music, “I thought you left me!” she said.

Now back to the soiled undies as we continued to dance I saw these shitty things get kicked to all corners of the fucking club. It was like a beachball at a concert only shittier. Whoever the poor cunt was at the end of the night that had to do clean up I’m sorry.  

I took the girl back to mine with my stomach feeling better after emptying it at the club. We start having sex which by all accounts was great and then it hit me halfway through, I need to fart but I don’t know if a fart is all that will happen. I try holding it which made it worst and eventually it falls out. BURRRRRRRRTTT luckily it was just a fart but it was a loud bastard. “Ewwww get off, you’re disgusting” my date said, getting up and dressed “ring me a taxi”.

All I could think when she left was, I’m glad she didn’t see the shit that happened at the bloody club if she thought a fucking fart was disgusting! 

Painter Date Recap

Well, well, well, first date back from a brief hiatus and fuck me, it doesn’t go smoothly. Now I wish I could just tweet my date out and have it end with me banging the chick, but this isn’t a fairy tale where we bang happily ever after. No, no, no this shit is real life where anything can happen and did.

After sub-contracting all week to another painting crew I got talking to one of the boys from the other painting crew. He told me about this chick that his boss had employed and given a painting apprenticeship almost straight away. Apparently there was a lot of animosity towards her from all of the other painters as they had to prove themselves for over a year before they got offered an apprenticeship. Not thinking too much into like hmmm her boss might have the hot’s for her, I got her number and began texting her.

She seemed pretty cool over text and apparently had seen me on building sites in the past. I asked her out for a drink on Thursday night and she accepted… The #PainterDate was born. Let us recap…..

Before meeting up with her I tried this new Cider that had just come out and holy shit it was so good, best thing I had tasted since I had gone down on that Canadian girl back in February and that shit tasted like fucking peaches.  We meet up down at her local pub in a suburb in Tauranga called Bureta. She glammed herself up pretty good but I still could see bits of paint under her nails. She had good banter and even ordered a bloody jug of beer for herself.

We started getting jolly and opening up after a couple of jugs of beer. We started talking about sex and she admitted to being so horny on a job she used her paint brush as a dildo, holy fuck! And here was me thinking I was a weirdo for fucking my paint roller sleeve!

I got back from a pee and noticed a concerned look on her face as she was furiously texting someone. It was her boss, she hadn’t finished sanding the room she was on or some shit like that and he wasn’t happy! He kept trying to ring her and eventually resorted to texting her, not being one to let a cock ruin my night I brought us shots and soldiered on.

Before long her fucking boss turned up and started having a full blown argument. He pointed towards me saying “who’s this guy?? Aren’t you supposed to be with Andy?!” Who the fucks Andy I thought. “Fuck Andy, he’s boring” She replied “We broke up on Sunday” Her boss changed his tune as soon as he clicked she was single and the 50 something year old turned on his McSleeze. He stopped arguing, got us all a round and added himself to our fucking date, what the fucking fuck!!!

This fucker started to her all touchy, touchy with her and instead of shrugging it off this tart is fucking loving it. I snap a couple of pictures for twitter, knock back a beer he paid for and bid them a good night by saying “well enjoying having his wrinkly balls hitting your arse tonight.” I walk out of the bar to her yelling at me “fucking prick” and her boss saying “come back and say it to my face” Pfft whatever mate.

 

From Crab Tree to Vag Pee

As I sit in this empty diner on my way back from Napier with no reception on my phone I can’t help but laugh at what happened down in Napier. It was my mates 30th and me and his mate have decided to go down there for the weekend.

Now from a shagging aspect this past weekend was shite, the only action I got was from Mrs Palmer and even she was pretty unenthused. It wasn’t as if it was from lack of trying, I was tindering a tonne of girls but everyone either had plans elsewhere or it was that time of the month.

My lucky mate Darren who had flown down from Auckland, found a hottie who was keen to meet up with him at the Sons of Zion concert. So that was us off to the Sons of Zion concert at a vineyard called The Crabtree. Now I don’t usually like New Zealand bands but these guys kicked arse, what made them sound even better was probably the thick cloud of weed smoke that encompassed the crowd. Darren eventually found his chick whom had a couple of mates with her.

Darren and me decided to go back to their place which was situated on the notorious Napier Hills (see one of my first blogs to see why they are so notorious  https://tattooedmulligan.com/2014/08/26/meeting-mountain-women/) Tim wanted to get back to his Mrs so we shared a taxi with him, got off at the Napier hills and he carried onto Tamatea where he lives.

Once we got there we carried on drinking until I comatosed out on the sofa with her dog. Darren and the three girls carried on drinking until two of them went home and him and his girl went to bed. Darren and the girl started getting down and dirty sharing oral with each other, trading a blow job for a finger blast, then Darren thought ‘Fuck it, I’m going to go down on her’ which in my eyes is a cardinal sin to eat out a one night stand, but hey, everyone’s different.

So he starts going to town eating this girl as if she was a 2am bloody kebab, she begins to get wetter and wetter and louder and louder. All of a sudden she lets out a huge moan and boom she cums/pees right down his throat. I awake from my coma to the sound of Darren yakking his guts up, I wander into the toilet and see him fast down in the bowl, “you alright D man?” I ask, no reply, I then wander into her room and I can smell urine. “What happened to Darren?” I ask the girl. “I was cumming” she said in a sad voice “but my bladder was full and I ended up peeing.” EWW WHAT THE FUCK!?!?

Well Darren and me ended up getting the hell out of there and back to Tim’s as fast as we could. In the morning we broke the news to Tim and his partner while they were eating breakfast, Tim choked on a mouthful of coffee…which was more tasty than what poor Darren choked on the night before!!

Reverse Kanga

Reverse Kanga Have you ever met someone that thinks they are better than you? I fucking hate these type of people; some don’t make it too obvious but the ones that do grate on my nerves so much. This past weekend I met one of these type of creatures in Taupo.

I don’t think I have ever felt so cold that my penis decides to retreat into my body than I did as I began to walk to the pubs and clubs in Taupo. My usual back packers above one of the bars was booked out so me and the bros had to book into this crusty shit hole some 2kms away. Fuck me that walk to the clubs not only sobered us up extremely fast but it felt like we were on an expedition to the fucking north pole. It was so cold that even my bloody balls were trying to push past my doodle to get warm. We arrived at the Taupo night spot and immediately placed ourselves near a heater in one of the pubs to defrost our limbs. After bringing my willy back from near hypothermia we got drinks and began to assess the talent, I noticed two babes in their early thirties on the far side of the club. I decide to go say hi so after a couple of shots of courage in the form of jäger I approached them.

“Hey how’s your night going” I ask placing my drink on the bar table they were drinking on. “Good” one of them muttered, another think I hate is one word answers, fuckers. Not getting the uninterested tone and posture they were expressing, I ask if they want a shot. Their eyes light up like a pig in shit “oh yes please that would be nice” they chirp. I bring one of my mates over knowing that I was only getting used to buy them drinks, but I thought bugger it there isn’t really any other talent around. After an hour or so they had to leave to go to a 30th party, the blonde one said “If I don’t find anyone else by the end of the night I’ll come home with you.” I wasn’t sure how to take this, but on later reflection I took it as her pretty much saying “I can do better than you because I am better then you, but I’ll settle if I have to” this really fucked me off but revenge is sweet if you can plan for it. Long story short she ended up texting me saying “Hey you, found nothing better – meet me outside Finns Pub and we can catch a taxi to mine”. Thinking with my dick I jump at the chance. On the taxi ride home she gives me the 411 on how to sneak in as she didn’t want her flatmates to see me, it was as if she would be too embarrassed to be seen with me.

We sneak in and start kissing on her bed and eventually start having sex. Now the sex was fucking terrible she lies there like a complete starfish; hardly even spreading her legs properly. Whoever she had done it with before I feel sorry for. When we finished she began critiquing my sex moves, well fuck me right?! I told her I neede270112033330-thumbnail_23_-Jamie-beim-Zuhalten-unserer-geplatzten-Wasserleitung---Danke-nochmald to go catch up with my mates but I had to use the toilet first “ok if you really have to but please be quiet going to the toilet, I don’t want my flatmates to wake up and see you”. Such a bitch, ok I get it you’re ashamed of me – well it was time for some sweet revenge. I had a poo brewing all night so instead of sitting on the toilet normally, I sit on it in reverse straddling the back and preform a reverse kanga shitting all down the inner front, not flushing of course. Reflecting on how nasty this girl was to me I grab some lip stick I found and write “Thanks for the fuck Kate” on the mirror then go on my merry way. Revenge can come in many ways but a reverse kanga is one of the bloody best!