2017 Year Of The Backpacker

Apologies in advance if there are a lot of spelling errors, my proof reading is being a useless shit and gone on holiday. So this is an unfiltered, unedited blog, enjoy!

If there was a book for single female tourists coming to New Zealand after this summer I feel like there should be a section on me. Right next to the night life activities there should be a photo of my tattooed penis. The amount of backpackers I’ve wined, dined and obviously shagged is bloody staggering. The main culprits are the German backpackers, aside from Asian tourists I would say Germans tourists come to New Zealand in their droves. But why? are they big Lord Of The Rings/Hobbit fan boys? Well unfortunately I don’t have the bloody answer because they can’t speak sweet fuck all English. But I guess they don’t make me wear a Gollum mask or tell me to “fuck me hobbit man” so I guess we can rule the fan boy theory possibly.

Come to think of it I should actually start my own tour guide business as the amount of times I have taken backpackers on hikes up Mount Maunganui is fucking staggering. I have to pretend I actually enjoy it too, like “wow such a nice view, I haven’t been up here in ages’ total bullshit.


This last week I had been chatting up this chick from the Czech Republic. To make me one step a head of all the other horny Kiwi dudes on tinder I actually study the country and learn a few simple words. A bit of bloody research before meeting a European beauty can go along way. I do this to all the foreign hotties I meet and they fucking love it! It’s almost a sign of respect in their eyes that someone has taken the time to actually show an interest in where they come from and doesn’t just wanna get in their pants. Just such a gentleman is I 😉😉😉😜

Now this Czech girl oh my god what a stunner and was as honest as the day is long (most European are to be honest) After we played the age old tradition of hide the sausage, she rolled off me and before I could pretend and say “wow that was great” she said “well that was pretty average!” Bloody hell I thought, I was kinda thinking that but dam I would never say it. But don’t worry we ended up doing it again and I got her moaning saying she loves it whilst I spelt the alphabet out with my tongue on her vag. Good Times Good Times!

BTW if you don’t already chuck us a like on Facebook, trying to get that off the ground again and also instagram. Chur





Weekend Of Damage

As I head through Rotorua on my way to Taupo the stench of sulpha makes its way through my nostrils. It’s a strong smell of rotten eggs. “I’m glad I’m not staying here tonight” I say to my mate Jase who is on his third beer already. In hindsight we should have stayed there and not carried on to Taupo. What a messy weekend it was.

We pulled into a car park just off the main road in Taupo and started shopping around the back packers to find out which one would suit us. We finally settled on the backpackers, it was a pretty run down place but it had two things going for it; It was cheap and you could bring your own alcohol up to drink on the deck, loving it!

Jase and I chucked our bags in the room and headed straight to the bottle shop. I texted my other two mates who were coming from Naiper to let them know where we were staying. I couldn’t pick what to drink so I went for the ol’ faithful – the mighty Waikato draught beer! We headed back to the deck at the backpackers where we started chopping them back. By the time my other mates arrived Jase and I were already half way through our boxes. Luckily the guys had brought heaps more beers and also a bottle of the hot stuff.

We continued drinking for a while talking shit and getting louder and louder. Suddenly Jase had a brilliant idea to play a game he calls ‘Pussy’. He quickly explained this stupid came in his drunk state saying that we crack the bottle of the hot stuff, which I recall was a 1L bottle of Jim Beam, we have a swig and pass it to the next person. Whoever pulls out first is the pussy and has to be our slave for the night. The other three of us reluctantly agree. To cut a long story short none of us gave up so in about five minutes the four of us had finished off a bottle of Jim Beam. Things started to get a bit blurry now. We staggered back to our room to get ready for town. I thought it would be funny to grab the fire extinguisher from the hall way and spray Jase with it. Pointing it at the back of his head he turned around and at point blank range I sprayed him right in the face. Suddenly it was all on! He grabbed it off me and did the same thing. Before we knew it the whole room was filled up with white foam. Not to be out done my other mate flipped the mattresses and started going ape shit; I tried to tackle him but missed and smashed the window in the room. We thought we would just sort it out in the morning so we continued to party heading down to the clubs. We got turned away from the majority of them so I went back to the room and went to bed.

Waking up the next morning I slowly opened my eyes and wish I hadn’t! I had pissed the bed WHAT THE FUCK I thought. I felt like I was in lake Taupo. I looked around and saw one of the guys had punched a hole in the wall, the window was completely smashed and the empty fire extinguisher was right in the middle of the room. We had to be out by 10 and it was already 9.30. I wake the guys up asking who made the hole in the wall but nobody could remember – typical. I went and told the owner what had happened and he took it rather well, looking at the damage he asked us to stay until he got a quote on how much it would cost to fix. Eight hundred dollars was the quote being it a Sunday. Considering I smashed the big window I paid six hundred and the guys paid the rest. What a messy, messy weekend. Never drinking again ever, until next weekend!