The Happy Ending Massage Story

For a guy who prides himself on being a bit of a sexual deviant, I haven’t had a happy ending massage… WTF! I was in Melbourne two weekends back for a catch up with some mates when one of them questioned if I had ever had a erotic Thai massage. My answer quite simply was no, but dammit this motivated me to have one!

Now for those of you who don’t know what a erotic Thai massage is; basically it’s just a massage with a hand job at the end.. basically. Now let’s paint the scene before we get to the happy ending.

On the Thursday  I flew out to Melbourne, loaded up with duty free booze and as soon as we touched down it was balls to the walls drinking.

I was staying in a motel in the heart of the city called Space Motel, an upmarket hostel. I met my mates who had booked the same motel. By this stage I was fucking legless and the rest of the night’s a bloody blur.

I woke up at about 6am in a pool of my own piss, yes human fucking urine. So for the next day I went shopping for a bloody blow dryer to dry my sheets and pee-infused mattress.

The next night I bedded a Swedish chick and my god, she was freaking sexy. I took her back to my room and we were enjoying the drunk sex for a few minutes until she noticed the bed was wet. My pee hadn’t dried and it fucking STUNK, in her broken English she said “eww pee pee ewww disgusting” and she took off, fuck me dead that was so bloody embarrassing.

Finally it was the day of the massage. After scouting a few places I settled on one in the city called Tender Touch. When I arrived I was welcomed by an Asian-looking Mr Bean, “Hi are you here for some boom boom?” he asked, “No, no, just a massage, happy one” I explained. He stood there for a second so I continued saying “Massage” and sign language with my hands “happy ending” doing the wanking action. “Oh oh ok hi hi, I bring girls for you to pick.”

After about 10 girls walking out introducing themselves to me, I felt like a judge on American Idol about to give one the ticket to Hollywood. I ended up choosing Ayumi, a slim looking Asian who was very, very beautiful. She invited me into the room “You undress now, all clothes off” she commanded. She came back in as I had stood there naked, “You sure you no want boom boom, you a sexy man?” she asked trying to up-sell me a shag. “No, no just a massage and happy ending thanks”

She begin massaging my back and holy heck it was so good, just the right amount of pressure. She worked her way down to my bum and began massaging me bum hole, “This is fucking weird” I thought. She focused on this area a bit too much, rubbing her thumbs into the hole. After drinking heavily the night before, all this did was make me wanna have a poo. “Turn over now” she told me. I turned over and she began the happy ending. She began rubbing my balls and then eventually started wanking me. I didn’t last long, she was that good I exploded all over my stomach. “Ohh wow lots of juice” she giggled and with that she left the room.

Well that was different but I’m glad I can tick that off my deviant bucket list. Wonder what I could do next? The Mile High club sounds like a good idea!  Merry Christmas and Happy New Year guys and gals. Thanks so much for reading my blogs over the year.

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Mully Dates International Ed – Sydney Pt.2

The next day was just a day out with my flatmate whom I had promised I would spend a day with to do all the touristy bullshit. To say this day didn’t drag would be a fucking understatement, it started off fun with Madame Tausauds wax museum, but then went to some bloody lizard wildlife crap. As we began queuing to get in about half a fucking school of little 9-10 year old Australian kids did too. Now picture the most annoying fucking accent and add pre puberty squeakiness to that then add fucking volume, you get the worst thing on fucking earth. As we walked around looking at these stupid fucking lizards that just lay there doing sweet fuck all, these kids were going nuts. Running into everyone and screaming like fuck. I almost chucked a couple of them into the snake enclosure, might’ve been the most excitement those poor snakes have had all year.   
After the day of doom it was time to get ready to go the the Golden Mile – Kings Cross! Now if you haven’t heard about Kings Cross, its like the red light district of Sydney. Bars, brothels, night clubs and my personal favourite strip clubs are all on offer in this delightful place, its like Disneyland for me. I started bar crawling jumping from bar to bar to find a cool atmosphere and cheapish drinks. I finally settled on one called Kings Cross Motel, the staff were so nice and the place was pumping with hot chicks. I started chatting to a group of girls by buying them a round of drinks which worked a treat and thats all it took. The next thing I know I’m on the dance floor kissing the face off this pretty ok looking ozzy. Things go down hill pretty fast though as the larger friend of her group decides to pull her away from me and tells her its time to call it a night. Everyone else in the group seemed to be having a great time but fucking chunkimus prime decided to shut the fucking fun down and go home. So I was all on my lonesome again, should I call it a night too I thought? Fuck no!!  

It was time to head to the strippers so I stroll down the street browsing which one I should go into and settle on Bada Bing nightspot. The girls are stunning and very welcoming. I immediately get given a free wee lap dance by probably the ugliest one there, to be honest I couldn’t wait for her to finish; she obviously was on the hustle as she must have seen me get one hundred dollars worth of stripper bucks out. She did a handstand putting her vagina right in my face, now usually this would be a guys dream mine but this fucking chick stunk like smoked bloody fish. I could smell it before she did the handstand move but when she did the handstand I almost threw up into her fucking vag. Luckily she couldn’t hold that position for long as I was trying so hard not to gag. Apart from that the rest of the night spent at the strip club was great! One of the dancers was a kiwi and gave me a sweet discount on a private dildo show and even let me stick the big black one in, wahoo! I ended up ubering it back to the motel at around 2am, luckily the nice manager at the strip club charged my phone for me as it was dead. 

Well that was it from my Sydney adventure, onwards to Perth. Lets see what the dating scene is like there!

Mully Dates International Ed – Sydney Pt.1

Wahooo! Mully Dates has finally gone international. First stop this past week was Sydney. The flight to Sydney was a complete disaster, not only were the airhoes rude as fuck they made my polite and nice flatmate cry. After asking to borrow a pen from one of them she got a “no, I need to keep this pen on me, ask one of the others”. Ok cool, so we asked one of the other unenthusiastic bitches who reluctantly gave her pen up so we could fill out our declaration forms. She made sure to tell us she needed it back though. Well my flattie rang the over head bell and gave it to who we both thought was the grumpy bitch. But no, 10 minutes went by and the pen giving grumpy bitch came back asking for it. What followed was a lecture on borrowing things on a plane to give back to the right person. With the embarrassment of everyone looking over to see what was going on and then to pen bitch storming off, my flatmate burst into tears. I would like to end this part with a FUCK YOU JETSTAR!
Aside from that the trips been pretty good. Once I got to the motel I jumped on the complimentary wifi and started looking for possibilities on Tinder. I started chatting to a few, most wanting to go out for a coffee – oh how metrosexual of you Sydney. But a coffee in the middle of the day was definitely not what I wanted. It wasn’t long until I found a girl and lets call her shazza. Shazza had the same idea as me which was a “hang out” at her place in Richmond. Now the next mission was finding were exactly this Richmond is. Staying by the Green Square train station I took the train to Central, now if you have been to central station its a labyrinth of tunnels, stair cases and platforms. To fast forward things up, I jumped on several different trains and wasted a few hours trying to figure out were the hell this Richmond place was. Whilst on the train I popped a Viagra I had brought over from NZ in the hope that her meaning of a “hang out” was the same as mine. I end up paying $2 to a homeless dude at central station after arriving there for a fourth time, he happily showed me which route I should be taking; top guy. 
I eventually get to Richmond then waste another 30 minutes trying to find her place. By the time I get there my penis had been fully erected for the last two hours and was fucking hurting. I knocked on her door and was greeted by this extremely large girl, oh fuck I thought I’ve been catfished yet again. “Hi are you Shazza?” I ask, “Nah mate Shazza is outback having a dart” large girl said. She invites me in and Shazza had just finished her smoke “Hi Sean, you finally bloody mate it” Shazza said in the thickest Australian accent I have come across. We start chatting which basically consisted of me listening to this chatter box yak on about her day at work. I couldn’t understand a lot as her phrases she used mixed with her accent made it difficult. Just as it looked like we were about to go to her room her phone bloody rings and its her ex and for the next ten mintutes I hear the full run down on their relationship. 

She dumped him because he drives a holden, and her family are proud die hard Ford supporters. She was embarrassed and ashamed when he brought a Holden so she dumped him straight away, fuck I better not tell her I drive a Holden. She hung up on him with a big “fuck you and fuck off”. She then rudely grabs me by the arm and says “come on sheep shagger, lets go to my room.” This kinda made me pissed off but hey I’m in her room now. We start kissing and all I can taste is tobacco, thankfully the kissing doesn’t last long as she soon begins sucking my didgeridoo. It feels ok but I could feel her teeth a lot which wasn’t making me relax much (Remember this). We end up having sex and the sheep shagger comment is still annoying me, so I flipped her around in doggy style and showed her what a sheep shagger could do with a tablet of viagra in him. She fucking loved it, so without thinking I grabbed her tits and whispered in her ear “I drive a holden” she started thrashing about “you bastard!”. I was holding on for dear fucking life but it didn’t last for long. “Just shut up and keep fucking me kiwi boy” We finished up and apart from me pissing her off with my holden revelation she loved my digerdoo even wanting me to stay the night but I put a stop to that as I had the Rabbitohs to go see play! 

Nrl Nines Blog

The Auckland NRL Nines are nearly here! I have had my tickets sorted for weeks. I went last year and before the first game had finished I knew without a doubt I would be coming back each year. I used to go to the Sevens but got sick of not knowing any of the players, and also the number of people that just went there to get completely drunk and cause trouble. I found at the Nines since there are league superstars in each team the crowd has more interest as to what’s going on on the field. That’s not to say its not an awesome party type atmosphere but to me it just felt more behaved.

A car load of me and my mates went up last year from Hamilton and had a great time! One thing I regret though is not getting dressed up in costumes as there were hundreds of good looking girls everywhere, and they all were asking for photos with all the guys dressed up – dammit! After day one had finished buses and buses full of party goers headed for town which was awesome because a lot of us stuck together which made it an awesome night. I met one chick that was a Roosters supporter who I gave shit to most of the night as I’m a Rabbitohs man through and through. She gave great banter back and we ended up going home together, its safe to say i made her sing glory glory to South Sydney that night!

The last day of the Nines was even better than the first, although having a huge hangover didn’t help. It still didn’t stop me enjoying what was happening on the field. The semi finals were intense and the final was fantastic. Hopefully this year the final will pit the Rabbitohs and Warriors in the final, now that would be one awesome game! The countdown is on and come Saturday the 31st of January you can bet the NRL Nines is going to be one event you can’t miss!mates

Road Trip Night Two Tauranga

The second night of the weekend road trip took me to Tauranga this past Friday.  I left Hamilton around lunchtime with a sore head and an as equally sore penis. I decided to stop in and get a sex check at family planning as for some stupid reason I decided not to wear protection last night. Breaking my own rule of ALWAYS wearing protection, especially in Hamilton. This old weird looking lady is at reception at the clinic. I give her my name and surprise surprise they have me on file! I nervously wait in the waiting room, as people come in to wait for their appointments I can’t help but feel dirty. Finally my name gets called and I make my way into the lady doctor’s room. I explain to her that I didn’t wear protection last night so immediately she tells me that we should do a couple of tests. The first test she did was put this huge looking brush down my pee hole which on the way up scraped the inner sides of my penis to get DNA off it. FML that is seriously the most uncomfortable thing I have been through ….well apart from getting a tattoo on my penis which she saw and of course started asking questions about. The other test was just to wee in a cup which was actually pretty hard after having that brush up there. She told me I would get the results back in 3 working days but until then wear protection.

By this stage it was going on 5pm so I head to my mates place at Mount Maunganui and from there we head to the Mount Melic bar. Its karaoke night at the bar so after two shots of confidence juice my mate and I decide to have a go. We belt out Pinks ‘Just Give Me a Reason’ to a great reaction. By the end of it we got a $200 bar tab for the most enthusiastic singers, we didn’t even know it was a competition! By this stage the night began to get hazier and hazier. I remember lining 5 shots of tequila up and just downing them, I also remember giving shots to this girl we had been chatting to earlier on. She continued to hang around until the bar was going to close and if I recall correctly, she was going to come home with me. That was until this happened. We were outside chatting and she was having a smoke and we decided to hook up. Mid-way through kissing I could taste the gross taste of cigarettes. Now mix that in with my already curdling stomach from all the different types of alcohol consumed and I guess you know what happens next. Her tongue was down my throat when all of a sudden I could feel spew coming up. Luckily I managed to pull away just in time, but unfortunately her shoes got the majority of the spew. “What the fuck” she shreaks and takes off towards a waiting taxi. I continue throwing up until my mate comes out to get me and take me home, top guy!

Well that’s it for Round 2 of the 3 day road trip I am still recovering from what happened. Saturday night’s adventures I will post on Wednesday!

Seduced by a Cougar and everything in between

Me, Tim and Hanz had been saving for a trip to Sydney for a while. There was a special deal going with Jetstar so we snapped up three tickets. We were getting so excited, three eighteen year old single boys going to party for a week in Sydney. As we got to the airport Tim confessed he was scared about flying, me and Hanz just played it off as a bit of a joke. We got through customs without a problem and brought 2 bottles of spirits each. As we waited for the plane I noticed Tim was really fidgety and couldn’t sit still, I didn’t say anything but I sure noticed it. We boarded the plane and as we sat there, the plane started its engine. I looked at Tim and he had his head in his hands. Me and Hanz were cracking up. As the plane took off Tim let out a slight whimper and started freaking out, we eventually calmed him down with some vodka. Poor guy was all sweaty and everything.

As we stepped out of the airport the intense heat hit me like a Mack truck, it was early September and it was so hot. We made our way to our motel which was right in the centre of china town. We immediately started to get ready to go out that night. We headed out to Kings Cross, a notorious part of Sydney made famous on the television show ‘Underbelly’. It was awesome and we went to a nightclub called ‘Candy’s Apartment’, it was pumping. Hanz was the first to hook up with someone followed closely by me. Tim was far too drunk, he had continued drinking after he had got off the plane. We ended up in Porky’s Nite Spot, Porky’s is part of the seedy side of Kings Cross and is famous for being one of those classic sleazy neon-lit titty joints. We sat in complete shock, there were titties sydney-party-porkysnitespoteverywhere. Being young and naïve we got hustled for our money pretty good by the strippers. Tim went all out tipping them, getting a private lap dance. He was completely in his element. Eventually we all got so worked up we had no choice but to go visit the local brothel. I couldn’t bring myself to pay for sex so I stayed in the waiting room. Tim and Hanz wanted the same girl so they decided to pay a bit extra to have a threesome with her. I waited for half an hour, they finally reappeared, Tim smiling from ear to ear and Hanz couldn’t stop laughing. I asked him what was so funny and he told me after he was done Tim went down on the prostitute. You don’t go down on a one night stand let alone a prostitute. It got worse though, she was just finishing her shift for the night so god knows how many other client’s she had had that night. Tim didn’t seem to care until the next morning where he was throwing up, regretting every single moment of it. I would have too if I had spent $600 Australian on strippers and a prostitute.

We did all the touristy things in Sydney. We caught two rugby league games which was probably the highlight of the whole trip. The atmosphere was incredible. We got to watch one quarter final game and one semi-final game at the Sydney football Stadium. The crowd is so passionate over there; I immediately a die-hard supporter after being in that crowd. I now live and breathe South Sydney Rabbitohs. tattoorabbitWe decided to get tattoos when we were out one night. I got the south Sydney mascot tattooed on my arm, a little bunny.

 

The last night of our trip we decided to to go out in style. We all had about a grand left so we went and brought suits. We went to the swanky posh night clubs that night. Hanz and Tim where giving me heaps because I was yet to sleep with someone. Suddenly this 40 something year old approached me and brought me a drink. Her name was Vanessa, she was a posh sophisticated women. She had long luscious blonde hair and unforgivingly blue eyes that felt as if they looked deep into mysoul.  Vanessa was a television producer for channel nine over there. Not to be out done I told her I was a song writer, she loved it. I could feel my mates envious eyes burning a hole in my head, I played it cool though. Vanessa invited me back to her apartment. She lived at the Sheraton, it was so flash, her room was on the 10th floor and had a great view. She showed me her boob job which looked amazing. We sat and cuddled for a while. I asked her why she didn’t have a boyfriend and she told me her husband had passed away several years ago and, although she occasionally went out, it always turned out to be disappointing. I started to get up and leave as I started to feel uncomfortable when she suddenly blurted out “Sean, I really like sex”. Somewhat startled by her remark, I sat back down and the only thing I could think of to say was “I really like sex too” She got up from her chair and came over to the couch where I was sitting. Kneeling with her legs outside of mine, she leant down and our lips met in a very tender kiss. Pulling back slightly she said “Would you like to have sex with me”? A slight smile came over my face. “Does that mean yes?” she whispered. I answered her question by pulling her forward to me,  kissing her as passionately as an eighteen year old could. For 10 minutes we had amazing sex. I could bullshit and say 20 minutes but it wasn’t 😛 .  Her screams of ecstasy drove me faster and faster. The only weird thing was I think she thought she was in a porno as she was saying some really porn-like sayings along the lines of: “I need you, Sean. Fuck me, baby.” And even “God, I love young cock” I tried so hard not to laugh as I don’t find it a turn on when girls talk dirty I find it slightly put on . In the end I couldn’t contain myself any longer an burst out in laughter but so did she. I had a great time and Vanessa did too . . . I hope. I got back to the hotel at 9 the next morning, my mates waiting for me to dish the dirt. I got the typical macho man type hi fives all around. This trip was amazing we had finally become men that didn’t need to rely on their parents, we talked about doing another one as soon as possible but it never eventuated as soon I got a girlfriend, Tim got a girl pregnant and Hanz fell of the face of the earth for several years.