No Luck Mulligan

Before I start the blog, three things I learnt this past weekend are:

  • Ponsonby girls think their shit don’t stink
  • Don’t mix drinks. Just don’t.
  • Flush the fucking toilet if you’re going to pass out on it.

Anyway, this past weekend I headed up to Auckland for the NRL Nines. An awesome two-day tournament that is held annually which kicks off the footy season for the year. As I woke up on Saturday morning I felt this rush of excitement come over me realizing it was time for a road trip. My mates turned up around 8am with boxes of beer on the ute, “It’s beer O’clock mully” one shouted smiling handing me a beer. By the time we got up to Auckland me and the boys were already feeling pretty merry. As we head to find our seats I see a number of people dressed up in some pretty cool costumes like The T Birds off Grease, Hulk Hogan, Power Rangers and my favorite – the hot nurses. Unfortunately, I didn’t end up dressing up because the lot I was with didn’t want to which pissed me off, looking back now I should have just dressed up anyway. After my second round of 4 beers for myself I decided to go for a wonder, I ended up at the merchandise tent being served by this banging Australian chick. She was really nice and in my drunken state I could have bloody sworn she was flirting with me. While the eftpos machine was processing my payment for $120 worth of merchandise I asked for her number. Thinking about this now makes me fucking cringe as it must have been so awkward for this sober chick just trying to do her job. Looking up at me from the eftpos machine she says loudly “sorry I have a boyfriend”. Everyone around me looks at me as I grab my gears and sadly walk back to my seat embarrassed as hell.

Not letting this deter me I began sniffing around the stadium like a dog on heat with not much luck. At one point I started chatting to a girl who decided to tell me after I had brought her a beer that she had a bloody boyfriend who was finishing work to meet her there, fuck! Tinder time! As you can see by this tweet I did https://twitter.com/mullied/status/695808476920963072  I was on a massive swipe right/saying yes to anything in a bloody 5km radius, boom! Congratulations you have a match was the last thing I saw on my phone until it decides to go fucking flat, arhhhhhhhhh!!!

After the last game finished we ubered it back to our motel, stopping on the way to get some tequila and two dozen bourbon and cola RTD’s. We smashed them back in time to order another uber taxi into the Ponsonby clubs. Now if you haven’t been to Ponsonby clubs and think hey I might go there, FUCKING DON’T and here’s a Mulligan rant as to why. To get into this wank club called the Long room we waited half an hour in line only to be told by this complete yogi bear looking bastard that we need to make more of an effort dressing up next time but he would do us a favor and let us in this once, gee thanks! We go inside and this place is packed. I immediately make a bee line for the dance floor and begin doing my Mulligan shuffle. I look around and nobody seems interested, I start looking at the girls closer and a lot of them look like snobby bitches dancing in circles with their groups. Not being one to give up I try and dance into the groups only to be told to “get lost” what the fuck Ponsonby! Feeling sad I order some shots that cost way more than they should have. I eventually did find a 40 something year old to dance with that had a massive arse but just as things started getting physical, (I got told by my mates the next morning that I was dry humping this lady) I get grabbed by the arm by Yogi Bears fucking side kick Boo Boo telling me I was being too offensive and to please leave as I was too intoxicated. FUCK YOU PONSONBY!

I passed out at around 3.30 am after finishing our mini bar off which included wine, beers, and little beer fridge spirits. The next thing I remember is running to the toilet throwing up. It must have still been dark because my mate found me passed out lying by the toilet at 7. Spew and one of the bros poos still in the toilet. He wakes me up but not before taking a photo of the whole incident and sharing it on my Facebook. Well that was the weekend, no luck on the girl front but hey the footy was bloody excellent.12421459_10207554580854513_1356785412_n12714148_10207554581174521_1447356815_n

 

Sex, Selfies and One Sore Back

“Ohhh you’re so tight!!!!!”……… unfortunately this wasn’t me talking nasty to one of the dirty girls at the massage parlour, nope this was the voice of the physiotherapist as she examined the damage I had done to my back. “How did you do this to yourself?” she questioned as she begun poking needles into swollen areas of my back. Without wanting to lie, but at the same time not wanting to be too graphic I answered “in the bedroom” with a smirk on my face. She paused for a minute then she chuckled “go on then, tell me the story and don’t worry I hear all sorts working here”. Well I hope she’s ready for this one…

So lets rewind a couple of days before going to physio. I was up to my old tricks putting in some graft to a chick I met through a friend. This girl was a serial selfie picture sender, sending a shit tonne to me through facebook messenger. Luckily for me I have a whole folder full of selfie pictures I send girls, from the cute innocent smiling ones to the full blown dirty dick pics. This girl though was sending me one every bloody half hour, I started thinking “cool you have lots of clothes doesn’t mean I want a fucking photo of you modelling everything you own”. I would be going for a run and my notifications on my phone would be going mental, “you have been sent a photo’ ughhh. We decided to meet up for a drink on Friday after work, she messaged me about 5.30pm asking if she could have my opinion on something, thinking it was something saucy I replied “sure”. Boom! about 20 selfie photos of different outfits came through, fuck sake!

Well we met up, and she was a lovely chick, I began joking about her ridiculous amount of selfies she sent me, she admitted she was obsessed with taking them. Going out for a drink ended up turning into a fully fledged pub crawl. We ended up back at mine at sometime in the AM and immediately got naked, as we began to have sex she proceeded to talk dirty with running commentary. “Take it, take it, I’m you’re nasty girl” she said in between moans. “Harder! Faster! Harder!” she yelled. I was going back and forth so fast that if I was on survivor I bet my penis could have made a fire. Suddenly I felt my lower back go on me “arhhhhh fuck!!!!” I yelp in pain and crumple into a ball next to the naked girl. I had thrust too hard and fast that I had fucked my back. Luckily for me this girl was really nice and stayed with me because I couldn’t move and the pain was horrendous, thank god I had some codeine in the bathroom.

I finished telling the physio the story and all she could say was “maybe next time let her go on top and do some of the work” Classic.

Nrl Nines Blog

The Auckland NRL Nines are nearly here! I have had my tickets sorted for weeks. I went last year and before the first game had finished I knew without a doubt I would be coming back each year. I used to go to the Sevens but got sick of not knowing any of the players, and also the number of people that just went there to get completely drunk and cause trouble. I found at the Nines since there are league superstars in each team the crowd has more interest as to what’s going on on the field. That’s not to say its not an awesome party type atmosphere but to me it just felt more behaved.

A car load of me and my mates went up last year from Hamilton and had a great time! One thing I regret though is not getting dressed up in costumes as there were hundreds of good looking girls everywhere, and they all were asking for photos with all the guys dressed up – dammit! After day one had finished buses and buses full of party goers headed for town which was awesome because a lot of us stuck together which made it an awesome night. I met one chick that was a Roosters supporter who I gave shit to most of the night as I’m a Rabbitohs man through and through. She gave great banter back and we ended up going home together, its safe to say i made her sing glory glory to South Sydney that night!

The last day of the Nines was even better than the first, although having a huge hangover didn’t help. It still didn’t stop me enjoying what was happening on the field. The semi finals were intense and the final was fantastic. Hopefully this year the final will pit the Rabbitohs and Warriors in the final, now that would be one awesome game! The countdown is on and come Saturday the 31st of January you can bet the NRL Nines is going to be one event you can’t miss!mates

Road Trip Night Three Auckland

BOOM!!! No STD/STI! I’m clean. Got that great news back on Tuesday which is such a relief. All the nervous scratching down there and constant thought of “am I clean?” can finally be put to rest. If I had to make a survival kit for having a one night stand, especially with someone off tinder, it would definitely consist of a box of condoms and possibly pepper spray if that chick be crazy. (Remember hitting woman isn’t cool, but if they hitting you I bet you wish you had listened to me about buying some pepper spray!) Anyway, here is Round 3 – the final round of my weekend road trip, Auckland here I come! ;);P

I awake at my mates place in Mount Maunganui attempting to piece together what happened last night. Luckily these days I take notes and videos while I’m drunk so I can write the most accurate account of what happened, such a geek aye! At this stage its lunchtime, so it’s time to make my way up to Auckland. Still hung over I smash back a Blue powerade sports drink that usually seems to make things slightly better. I pick up my two mates from Hamilton on the way. They have already started making their way through their first box when I pick them up. My Auckland mate Azza lives in Mt Roskill in this lush two story house. As soon as we get there we are greeted by Azza with a warm smile and cold beer. We start drinking, drinking and more drinking. Soon the afternoon becomes evening and evening becomes night. The rugby league has just finished so we decide to start getting ready to hit town. I get into my routine which seems to come so naturally when I’m drunk. Hot cloth, cold cloth, face moisturizer. Hair wax, deodorant, cologne and then town clothes. Such an effort to look good! We get into town at about midnight. We spent a good hour down the viaduct which was so costly. We met these Canadian girls who suggested we follow them to Globe night club, Jesus I would follow these blonde bombshells anywhere! We headed to Globe night club which was awesome. We danced and danced with these Canadian girls even though they told us they had boyfriends. They asked what I did for a job so I pulled the “I am a tattooist” card which they thought was awesome, obviously. They told me their friend would probably like me and we should go meet her, I asked where and they said Show Girls the strip club.

“Please welcome to the stage the saucy sultry siren!!” booms the DJ and out comes the sexiest blonde girl I have seen in ages. She has a banging body and works the pole as if it was a part of her. After her routine is finished she comes over and hugs her friends. “Who are these guys?” she asks in her Canadian accent. They introduce us and quickly announce that I’m a tattooist. That’s all it took, she is suddenly all over me asking me questions, showing me her tattoos and flirting. I ordered a private lap dance off her, which cost me 150 bucks. Stuff started to get hot and heavy in the private rooms. She immediately got naked putting her legs over my head letting me lick her vag which she seemed to enjoy a lot. We started hooking up and she gave me a hand job. I asked when she finished and she said 4, me being forth coming I asked if she wanted to come back to my mates place but she said no! She had a better idea, she told me to go back to her place with her friends, sweet! She told her friends what was happening so I bid farewell to my mates and went back to her friends place.

These girls have the nicest apartment right in the city, as I waited for the stripper to finish work one of her friends went to bed but the other one stayed up with me. I knew she had a boyfriend (or so she said) so I didn’t wanna flirt with her, plus I was waiting for her mate. She came and sat right next to me, and then started snuggling into me. The next thing I knew we were kissing and off to her bedroom I went. We had sex for about half an hour which was pretty great, probably greater because her mate was coming home soon. After we had finished I quickly got changed and waited on the couch for round 2. The stripper finally came home and it was all on again. She brought some toys home from her job, looking back on it I bloody hope they were sanitized! She tied me to her bed post and began whipping me which fucking hurt and started to make me bleed on my stomach; I played along with this weird shit until it really started to hurt. She wanted me to do her now. By this stage I was pissed off with how sore she had whipped me, so I gladly grabbed that whip and whipped the shit out of her. To my surprise she fucking loved it! After this weird foreplay we finally had sex which was great and went to sleep. I got a taxi in the morning back to Azza’s, I told the boys what went down and it was as if I had won lotto there were high fives all around – typical lad shit.

That brings the curtain on my big weekend road trip, thanks for reading I think I am gonna have this week off the booze so I can let my poor liver recover!