The Happy Ending Massage Story

For a guy who prides himself on being a bit of a sexual deviant, I haven’t had a happy ending massage… WTF! I was in Melbourne two weekends back for a catch up with some mates when one of them questioned if I had ever had a erotic Thai massage. My answer quite simply was no, but dammit this motivated me to have one!

Now for those of you who don’t know what a erotic Thai massage is; basically it’s just a massage with a hand job at the end.. basically. Now let’s paint the scene before we get to the happy ending.

On the Thursday  I flew out to Melbourne, loaded up with duty free booze and as soon as we touched down it was balls to the walls drinking.

I was staying in a motel in the heart of the city called Space Motel, an upmarket hostel. I met my mates who had booked the same motel. By this stage I was fucking legless and the rest of the night’s a bloody blur.

I woke up at about 6am in a pool of my own piss, yes human fucking urine. So for the next day I went shopping for a bloody blow dryer to dry my sheets and pee-infused mattress.

The next night I bedded a Swedish chick and my god, she was freaking sexy. I took her back to my room and we were enjoying the drunk sex for a few minutes until she noticed the bed was wet. My pee hadn’t dried and it fucking STUNK, in her broken English she said “eww pee pee ewww disgusting” and she took off, fuck me dead that was so bloody embarrassing.

Finally it was the day of the massage. After scouting a few places I settled on one in the city called Tender Touch. When I arrived I was welcomed by an Asian-looking Mr Bean, “Hi are you here for some boom boom?” he asked, “No, no, just a massage, happy one” I explained. He stood there for a second so I continued saying “Massage” and sign language with my hands “happy ending” doing the wanking action. “Oh oh ok hi hi, I bring girls for you to pick.”

After about 10 girls walking out introducing themselves to me, I felt like a judge on American Idol about to give one the ticket to Hollywood. I ended up choosing Ayumi, a slim looking Asian who was very, very beautiful. She invited me into the room “You undress now, all clothes off” she commanded. She came back in as I had stood there naked, “You sure you no want boom boom, you a sexy man?” she asked trying to up-sell me a shag. “No, no just a massage and happy ending thanks”

She begin massaging my back and holy heck it was so good, just the right amount of pressure. She worked her way down to my bum and began massaging me bum hole, “This is fucking weird” I thought. She focused on this area a bit too much, rubbing her thumbs into the hole. After drinking heavily the night before, all this did was make me wanna have a poo. “Turn over now” she told me. I turned over and she began the happy ending. She began rubbing my balls and then eventually started wanking me. I didn’t last long, she was that good I exploded all over my stomach. “Ohh wow lots of juice” she giggled and with that she left the room.

Well that was different but I’m glad I can tick that off my deviant bucket list. Wonder what I could do next? The Mile High club sounds like a good idea!  Merry Christmas and Happy New Year guys and gals. Thanks so much for reading my blogs over the year.

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Sex, Selfies and One Sore Back

“Ohhh you’re so tight!!!!!”……… unfortunately this wasn’t me talking nasty to one of the dirty girls at the massage parlour, nope this was the voice of the physiotherapist as she examined the damage I had done to my back. “How did you do this to yourself?” she questioned as she begun poking needles into swollen areas of my back. Without wanting to lie, but at the same time not wanting to be too graphic I answered “in the bedroom” with a smirk on my face. She paused for a minute then she chuckled “go on then, tell me the story and don’t worry I hear all sorts working here”. Well I hope she’s ready for this one…

So lets rewind a couple of days before going to physio. I was up to my old tricks putting in some graft to a chick I met through a friend. This girl was a serial selfie picture sender, sending a shit tonne to me through facebook messenger. Luckily for me I have a whole folder full of selfie pictures I send girls, from the cute innocent smiling ones to the full blown dirty dick pics. This girl though was sending me one every bloody half hour, I started thinking “cool you have lots of clothes doesn’t mean I want a fucking photo of you modelling everything you own”. I would be going for a run and my notifications on my phone would be going mental, “you have been sent a photo’ ughhh. We decided to meet up for a drink on Friday after work, she messaged me about 5.30pm asking if she could have my opinion on something, thinking it was something saucy I replied “sure”. Boom! about 20 selfie photos of different outfits came through, fuck sake!

Well we met up, and she was a lovely chick, I began joking about her ridiculous amount of selfies she sent me, she admitted she was obsessed with taking them. Going out for a drink ended up turning into a fully fledged pub crawl. We ended up back at mine at sometime in the AM and immediately got naked, as we began to have sex she proceeded to talk dirty with running commentary. “Take it, take it, I’m you’re nasty girl” she said in between moans. “Harder! Faster! Harder!” she yelled. I was going back and forth so fast that if I was on survivor I bet my penis could have made a fire. Suddenly I felt my lower back go on me “arhhhhh fuck!!!!” I yelp in pain and crumple into a ball next to the naked girl. I had thrust too hard and fast that I had fucked my back. Luckily for me this girl was really nice and stayed with me because I couldn’t move and the pain was horrendous, thank god I had some codeine in the bathroom.

I finished telling the physio the story and all she could say was “maybe next time let her go on top and do some of the work” Classic.

The Lil Guy Stole My Girl!

“Sorry you lot can’t stay here” the owner of the backpackers began to explain “you broke the window last time and were far too loud, we had numerous complaints from other guests”. Shit! I thought, this weekend in Taupo couldn’t have started any worse. We weren’t allowed to stay at that backpackers, so we had to go across the road and booked into the more expensive one. Unlike our usual backpackers this one doesn’t have a balcony so me and the boys are left to drink in our room.

I brought a packet of cards so we started playing circle of death/four kings in our room. It wasn’t long until I got dared to do something stupid. My mate Jase dared me to streak down the hallway and take the lift naked. So off I went balls dangling everywhere. I pressed the lift button to go up as I thought there would be a better chance nobody would be waiting to get on, as there was only one floor above us and three below us. Oh how wrong I was! The doors open and three poor Asians were standing there with a look of sheer terror on their faces. I thought ‘sweet surely they won’t get on the lift with me’ nope they got on. So there I was cupping me privates while these three Asians hugged the opposite site of the lift. That was the most awkward lift ride I have ever had!

We got ready for town and off we went. I noticed this little kid in one of the clubs “how the fuck did he get in here” I thought. On a closer look it realized it wasn’t a kid at all, it was a midget. Now to this day I do not know the acceptable term to call them so if you do, send me a tweet @mullied. I will refer to him as “the lil guy” from here on in. I grab a drink and begin to dance in a semi-circle with the guys. Scanning the dance floor I spot a group of girls and set my sights on one beautiful looking girl with blonde hair. As a group we start dancing our way over to their group. Everything starts to go well, she yells in my ear over the music that she likes my tattoos; I shout back that I’m a tattooist.;) We continue dancing and buying their group drinks and shots. I go to the toilet and when I come back the girl I was dancing with is dancing with the lil guy. Huh, what the fuck?! I immediately make my way over to my groups who have kinda been shunned to the side. This lil guy is busting out all the moves, doing the worm, spinning around and the girl was with is loving it. I start dancing beside her but she straight pie faces me and continues to dance with the lil guy. I feel like drop kicking this lil shit out the door but instead I buy him a drink and cheers him on his good dancing. The last I see of him is him getting in a taxi with the group of girls that we were dancing with, he glanced back at us guys and gave as the thumbs up the, lil buggar! “Well that sucked” Jase announced to all of us. “No it doesn’t” I said “it’s not every day you get a girl stolen off you by a dwarf, plus we still got the strip club to go to!”. So off to the strip club we went!

Getting my Asian Wings

For us guys there are different types of achievements called getting your wings, as it pertains to having sex an different acts, I will rattle off a few I can think of.

  • Brown Wings  – Anal Sex
  • V wings – Sleeping with a chick that’s a virgin
  • Red Wings – Sex while a girl is on her period
  • Vintage wins – When the chick is 20 years older
  • Flight Commander Wings – having a threesome
  • Squadron Commander Wings – 4 or more people involved in sex
  • Blue or Water wings – Sex in water
  • Asian wings – having sex with someone from an Asian Country

Two years ago I embarked on my mission to get my Asian Wings, looking back on it now I should have just gone to Auckland and got a cheap Asian prostitute but I guess hind sight is a marvellous thing!

Me and the boys decided to head out one night and instead of going to our normal drinking hole I convinced them to go to the CBD club as I knew there was a large contingent of Asians at this club. As we headed in I noticed a couple of potential girls on the dance floor. I approached them using the standard “How’s your night going?” opener. This always worked well for me. They responded with the typical “good thanks”. I chatted a bit with them, asking them how they like the place, etc. You might say I was having a typical nice-guy conversation. After a few minutes I left them so as not to be a weirdo and went back to my mates and chilled for a bit. I returned to them once more a while later and they were just about ready to leave. I decided hit on the taller one, the more attractive of the two girls. She was a pretty and petite asian girl. I got her name and number and wrote it on a piece of paper. Her name was Shino. I started texting her as soon as she left. She was much better at texting in English then she was at speaking it. She told me that we should meet up sometime. I asked her what was wrong with meeting tonight. It was still early, she agreed an texted me her address. She lived at the dorms at the Waikato University so she told me to text her when I was down stairs so she could let me in.

It was about 11.30pm by the time I got there, I texted her an she came down. We cuddled on her couch for a while. I proceeded to get her hot and bothered on the couch with my spirit fingers. I figured there was a possibility it could go all the way and the signs were looking good so far. I continued getting her worked up, rubbing her all over and kissing her neck. I got her bra off, thinking I was in with a grin. All of a sudden she said, “Please, no more clothes off”. I stopped there, sensing that I had gotten as far as I could. It was getting late, feeling defeated I decided to leave.

About a week later we set up another meet. This time she came over to my place. We watched a movie and snuggled on the couch. Afterwards we made out and got semi-naked. She said something about it being ok now. She took her panties off. I put on a condom and we had sex. It was a little awkward at first but it got better as I got more familiar with her body. I get asked if Asians are tight by my mates, and yes I can confirm she was extremely tight. The worst thing about having sex with her was she screamed as if I was murdering her! Seriously I had to always stop and ask her if she was ok. I would always get the reply “so good yes yes”. We met a few more times and the sex got pretty good. She was okay with it being a fling. She kept it a secret from her family, saying at one point “If my mother or father found out they would kill me!” As the school term ended so did our time together, as expected. I was a bit sad to see her go. I got the impression I could have easily become her boyfriend if I wanted. But it wasn’t my thing being the Casanova of Hamilton and all 😛 or the wannabe anyway.