Shite on the dance floor

Girls don’t like it if ya leave them in the club for long periods of time nor do they like it if ya fart during sex. Well this past weekend both of those things happened last night
I had been messaging this girl for a couple of days off of this new dating app called Bumble (surely whoever made that app could’ve named it something fucking better them bloody Bumble) when I thought fuck I’m getting bored with all this chitchat bullshit, I’ll just ask her out. She said yes, I got her address and promised to pick her up at 10pm that night. Around this time my stomach began playing up, feeling really tight, but thinking it was just indigestion, I thought nothing of it. 

I took her to the rugby flat where several dozen people had congregated earlier to watch the Maori All Blacks play the British & Irish Lions. We started pre-loading before going to town, doing shots of homemade spirits to doing funnels of beer, shit was getting hectic. We all decided it was time to go when my mate Bazza decide to tackle the wall; the wall lost. 

When we got to town the majority of us got declined entry at most places but luckily my mate knew the bouncers on the Bahama Hut nightclub door so in we went. We started dancing or attempting to, the place was packed, my stomach began playing up again. I thought I would let it out with a hard satisfying fart…. 

 

Arhhhhh Sqeeze Arhhhhh

 

PLOOP…. OMG 

 

FUCK

 

I’ve shit myself.

 

I bolt to the bathroom, pushing past people feeling the runny shit dribbling down my inner of my pants. I get to the toilet, pull my pants down and it looks like a fucking bomb had gone off in there. Still pretty drunk and not wanting to cut the night short I grab my soiled undies and take them with me back to the nightclub. Just before I spot my date I drop them on the dance floor and shuffle over to her. “Where have you been!” she wails. “Taking care of some business in the loo” I yell to her over the loud music, “I thought you left me!” she said.

Now back to the soiled undies as we continued to dance I saw these shitty things get kicked to all corners of the fucking club. It was like a beachball at a concert only shittier. Whoever the poor cunt was at the end of the night that had to do clean up I’m sorry.  

I took the girl back to mine with my stomach feeling better after emptying it at the club. We start having sex which by all accounts was great and then it hit me halfway through, I need to fart but I don’t know if a fart is all that will happen. I try holding it which made it worst and eventually it falls out. BURRRRRRRRTTT luckily it was just a fart but it was a loud bastard. “Ewwww get off, you’re disgusting” my date said, getting up and dressed “ring me a taxi”.

All I could think when she left was, I’m glad she didn’t see the shit that happened at the bloody club if she thought a fucking fart was disgusting! 

Painter Date Recap

Well, well, well, first date back from a brief hiatus and fuck me, it doesn’t go smoothly. Now I wish I could just tweet my date out and have it end with me banging the chick, but this isn’t a fairy tale where we bang happily ever after. No, no, no this shit is real life where anything can happen and did.

After sub-contracting all week to another painting crew I got talking to one of the boys from the other painting crew. He told me about this chick that his boss had employed and given a painting apprenticeship almost straight away. Apparently there was a lot of animosity towards her from all of the other painters as they had to prove themselves for over a year before they got offered an apprenticeship. Not thinking too much into like hmmm her boss might have the hot’s for her, I got her number and began texting her.

She seemed pretty cool over text and apparently had seen me on building sites in the past. I asked her out for a drink on Thursday night and she accepted… The #PainterDate was born. Let us recap…..

Before meeting up with her I tried this new Cider that had just come out and holy shit it was so good, best thing I had tasted since I had gone down on that Canadian girl back in February and that shit tasted like fucking peaches.  We meet up down at her local pub in a suburb in Tauranga called Bureta. She glammed herself up pretty good but I still could see bits of paint under her nails. She had good banter and even ordered a bloody jug of beer for herself.

We started getting jolly and opening up after a couple of jugs of beer. We started talking about sex and she admitted to being so horny on a job she used her paint brush as a dildo, holy fuck! And here was me thinking I was a weirdo for fucking my paint roller sleeve!

I got back from a pee and noticed a concerned look on her face as she was furiously texting someone. It was her boss, she hadn’t finished sanding the room she was on or some shit like that and he wasn’t happy! He kept trying to ring her and eventually resorted to texting her, not being one to let a cock ruin my night I brought us shots and soldiered on.

Before long her fucking boss turned up and started having a full blown argument. He pointed towards me saying “who’s this guy?? Aren’t you supposed to be with Andy?!” Who the fucks Andy I thought. “Fuck Andy, he’s boring” She replied “We broke up on Sunday” Her boss changed his tune as soon as he clicked she was single and the 50 something year old turned on his McSleeze. He stopped arguing, got us all a round and added himself to our fucking date, what the fucking fuck!!!

This fucker started to her all touchy, touchy with her and instead of shrugging it off this tart is fucking loving it. I snap a couple of pictures for twitter, knock back a beer he paid for and bid them a good night by saying “well enjoying having his wrinkly balls hitting your arse tonight.” I walk out of the bar to her yelling at me “fucking prick” and her boss saying “come back and say it to my face” Pfft whatever mate.

 

From Crab Tree to Vag Pee

As I sit in this empty diner on my way back from Napier with no reception on my phone I can’t help but laugh at what happened down in Napier. It was my mates 30th and me and his mate have decided to go down there for the weekend.

Now from a shagging aspect this past weekend was shite, the only action I got was from Mrs Palmer and even she was pretty unenthused. It wasn’t as if it was from lack of trying, I was tindering a tonne of girls but everyone either had plans elsewhere or it was that time of the month.

My lucky mate Darren who had flown down from Auckland, found a hottie who was keen to meet up with him at the Sons of Zion concert. So that was us off to the Sons of Zion concert at a vineyard called The Crabtree. Now I don’t usually like New Zealand bands but these guys kicked arse, what made them sound even better was probably the thick cloud of weed smoke that encompassed the crowd. Darren eventually found his chick whom had a couple of mates with her.

Darren and me decided to go back to their place which was situated on the notorious Napier Hills (see one of my first blogs to see why they are so notorious  https://tattooedmulligan.com/2014/08/26/meeting-mountain-women/) Tim wanted to get back to his Mrs so we shared a taxi with him, got off at the Napier hills and he carried onto Tamatea where he lives.

Once we got there we carried on drinking until I comatosed out on the sofa with her dog. Darren and the three girls carried on drinking until two of them went home and him and his girl went to bed. Darren and the girl started getting down and dirty sharing oral with each other, trading a blow job for a finger blast, then Darren thought ‘Fuck it, I’m going to go down on her’ which in my eyes is a cardinal sin to eat out a one night stand, but hey, everyone’s different.

So he starts going to town eating this girl as if she was a 2am bloody kebab, she begins to get wetter and wetter and louder and louder. All of a sudden she lets out a huge moan and boom she cums/pees right down his throat. I awake from my coma to the sound of Darren yakking his guts up, I wander into the toilet and see him fast down in the bowl, “you alright D man?” I ask, no reply, I then wander into her room and I can smell urine. “What happened to Darren?” I ask the girl. “I was cumming” she said in a sad voice “but my bladder was full and I ended up peeing.” EWW WHAT THE FUCK!?!?

Well Darren and me ended up getting the hell out of there and back to Tim’s as fast as we could. In the morning we broke the news to Tim and his partner while they were eating breakfast, Tim choked on a mouthful of coffee…which was more tasty than what poor Darren choked on the night before!!

Reverse Kanga

Reverse Kanga Have you ever met someone that thinks they are better than you? I fucking hate these type of people; some don’t make it too obvious but the ones that do grate on my nerves so much. This past weekend I met one of these type of creatures in Taupo.

I don’t think I have ever felt so cold that my penis decides to retreat into my body than I did as I began to walk to the pubs and clubs in Taupo. My usual back packers above one of the bars was booked out so me and the bros had to book into this crusty shit hole some 2kms away. Fuck me that walk to the clubs not only sobered us up extremely fast but it felt like we were on an expedition to the fucking north pole. It was so cold that even my bloody balls were trying to push past my doodle to get warm. We arrived at the Taupo night spot and immediately placed ourselves near a heater in one of the pubs to defrost our limbs. After bringing my willy back from near hypothermia we got drinks and began to assess the talent, I noticed two babes in their early thirties on the far side of the club. I decide to go say hi so after a couple of shots of courage in the form of jäger I approached them.

“Hey how’s your night going” I ask placing my drink on the bar table they were drinking on. “Good” one of them muttered, another think I hate is one word answers, fuckers. Not getting the uninterested tone and posture they were expressing, I ask if they want a shot. Their eyes light up like a pig in shit “oh yes please that would be nice” they chirp. I bring one of my mates over knowing that I was only getting used to buy them drinks, but I thought bugger it there isn’t really any other talent around. After an hour or so they had to leave to go to a 30th party, the blonde one said “If I don’t find anyone else by the end of the night I’ll come home with you.” I wasn’t sure how to take this, but on later reflection I took it as her pretty much saying “I can do better than you because I am better then you, but I’ll settle if I have to” this really fucked me off but revenge is sweet if you can plan for it. Long story short she ended up texting me saying “Hey you, found nothing better – meet me outside Finns Pub and we can catch a taxi to mine”. Thinking with my dick I jump at the chance. On the taxi ride home she gives me the 411 on how to sneak in as she didn’t want her flatmates to see me, it was as if she would be too embarrassed to be seen with me.

We sneak in and start kissing on her bed and eventually start having sex. Now the sex was fucking terrible she lies there like a complete starfish; hardly even spreading her legs properly. Whoever she had done it with before I feel sorry for. When we finished she began critiquing my sex moves, well fuck me right?! I told her I neede270112033330-thumbnail_23_-Jamie-beim-Zuhalten-unserer-geplatzten-Wasserleitung---Danke-nochmald to go catch up with my mates but I had to use the toilet first “ok if you really have to but please be quiet going to the toilet, I don’t want my flatmates to wake up and see you”. Such a bitch, ok I get it you’re ashamed of me – well it was time for some sweet revenge. I had a poo brewing all night so instead of sitting on the toilet normally, I sit on it in reverse straddling the back and preform a reverse kanga shitting all down the inner front, not flushing of course. Reflecting on how nasty this girl was to me I grab some lip stick I found and write “Thanks for the fuck Kate” on the mirror then go on my merry way. Revenge can come in many ways but a reverse kanga is one of the bloody best!

 

Welly Date Recap

As I’m lying here watching Orange is the New Black on this cold arse Sunday night I can’t help but laugh thinking about how Tuesday’s date in Wellington went.

The best place to start is at the beginning. I boarded the plane from Tauranga to Welly.  The flight was terrible there was so much turbulence. At one stage I was trying to stand over the toilet taking a slash when whoosh, we hit some fucking turbulence and urine went all over me – bad bloody start to the trip so far. I went back to my seat trying to hide the wet batch from the big ogre dude who I was sitting next to. This ogre bastard took up just under half of my seat too which was another thing on this flight that sucked. Halfway through the flight I thought fuck this I’m going to check if I can switch seat. “No sorry” is what I got from a plastic Barbie doll looking attendant “but you can have another lolly or cookie” why thanks a fucking bunch!!! …. I took the cookie and lolly.

I arrived to my motel around 3pm which was good cause it gave me time to go out and get a box of beers from Pak n Save, drink at the motel, jump on Tinder and hopefully find someone to go out to dinner with. As soon as I passed the aisle of value at Pak n Save I begun to walk through the fruit and vegetable part and that’s when I heard a girl’s voice from over by the potatoes “whoa cool tattoos.” I look up to see if she was talking to me, she was and she looked pretty decent. We got to chatting for about 5 minutes whilst she filled various vegetable displays up. At one point she had a carrot in her hand and began to wank it “you’re really hot by the way but you probably know that” she said continuing to give this lucky bloody carrot the stroking of its life. I asked her if she wanted to go out for a drink, she said yes so I grabbed her number and wondered off to get myself a box of beer.

After polishing off a few beers I gave miss Pak n Save a text seeing where she wants to go for dinner. She suggested Lone Star which sounded fine to me, we agreed on meeting there at 8pm. I had a few more beers, grabbed a uber taxi and headed into Lone Star Restaurant. I waited in the bar part for five minutes as I hadn’t got a reply from her in a while but then thought bugger it I will grab a table in clear view of door so I can wave her over. I’m not sure how long you’re supposed to fucking wait for someone but ten minutes turned into twenty minutes which turned into half an hour, and that’s when I thought fuck I think I’ve been stood up. I was about to text her to see where the hell she was and that’s when she texts me “really sorry, had to work late doing a banana display” a bloody banana display?!?! Are you kidding me!!!!! She explained in more detail saying that her boss made her and she didn’t have her phone until she finished. After a while she actually sent me a picture of the fucking banana display along with a message saying sorry again cheeky bitch.

image1

I ended up having dinner by myself, I could feel a dozen eyes on me all the time as if all the other patrons at this restaurant knew I had been stood up. The waitress must have even felt sorry for me as she brought me a beer and asked if I was ok. Another lesson learned from this non date, if the girl works at a supermarket; make sure she doesn’t have a fucking banana display to finish. This no show made me feel pretty stink for about 4 days until I thought bugger it – time to get back on the horse. After a few dead ends I met up with a likeminded girl last night, danced the night away and ended up playing hide the sausage at her nanas house with her nana! Ok not with her nana, but I was that horny that if her bloody nana had asked to join in I wouldn’t have turned her away. Could a Granny Date be on the cards next? Who knows but for now I’m gonna get back to Tinder, head refreshed and keep on keeping on.

 

1st Date of 2016 Blog Recap

 

Ever had to pick dried vomit out of your hair? No? Me neither until waking up from drinking excessively on Sunday. Now usually I remember what I have been up to whilst drinking, hell I usually write notes on my phone when I’m going for a piss throughout the night to make my blog as accurate as possible. But this last Saturday night I got lit up majorly. I found a picture of me hugging some random that I have no recollection of being taken, what’s more bizarre is where the fuck did I get the shirt from?! I was wearing a completely different one during my date and I sure as heck didn’t go home to get changed. Was I abducted by aliens? Sounds farfetched but my asshole was bloody sore the next morning and I know aliens are inclined to anal probe their victims hmmmm. Anyway enough with all that shite and back to recapping my date and sharing with you what happened/what I can remember about the rest of the night.

Being that it was a hot ass day on Saturday I had been having a few quiet ones at home. After sinking half a dozen, I realized that I better not drive so my date agreed to pick me up1               2

When she pulled up I had just been looking over her Tinder profile, yes another one I have met off there. She got out of the car and I thought to myself “fuck is that a mini van getting out of the car?” she was fucking huge compared to her photos. I was in a merry state from the beers so instead of not going on the date I thought bugger it lets go.

2-3mcflurry

After the usual ‘first meeting someone’ chit chat she announces she is craving a mcflurry ice cream as we are almost past the McDonald’s entrance. She jams on the breaks and almost spins the car out trying to get into the drive through, for fuck sake, who does this on the first date? Especially only ten minutes into it.

5              6

We finally get to the restaurant after she gobbles downs her ice cream, I spot a sweet deal on the new export beer – 4 for $20 I get them and we put our order in for dinner. Our gourmet burgers turn up which look great, I tuck into mine and look up to see her sifting through hers. I pick up my phone and take a snap, she is chucking out everything except the egg and the pattie. “What the heck are you doing” I say half joking. “I hate vegetables” she replies. Well fuck me I’m not the biggest fan on certain veges but by Christ she has made a mess, leave it on your plate bro.

9                     newpppp

She insists we get dessert even though she already slayed a fucking ice cream before hand, I asked her if we could share one which is usually a super cute thing I do with a date. She looks sad and agrees we could, we get a chocolate brownie and she goes to town on it. For every one mouthful I have, she has two scoffing it down.

I finish off my last beer and we head off to the nearby pub, at this stage she looks better than she did at the start of the night, beer goggles obviously in full effect now. We grab a drink and set ourselves up on a table by the bar.

rudebitches                        14

After finishing our first drink we head to the bar for another one and I suggest a shot of vodka which she shakes her head at, fuck it two for me then. We head up stairs to the top story to have a drink on the balcony and that’s when I spot her, the fucking rude bitch from the first date I live tweeted (if you have forgotten her here is the link to her date https://tattooedmulligan.com/2015/10/11/live-tweeting-my-date-recap/ ). I have a laugh to myself as she is with a couple of needle dick looking drop kicks and a equally as geeky girl. Wondering if the geek girl was Becca whos texts I read on the last date, ignoring my date and began eavesdropping into there convo. “You want another drink Becca?” one of the nerds said, BOOM! It was the bitch, they hadn’t spotted me so I continued to watch them.

Now here’s when it got a bit hazy as I can’t figure out a few things/place them in order. I remember my date getting fed up with me and leaving and the “I have a sore tummy” excuse. I looked back on my twitter and saw that my last tweet was me chatting to some Canadians, well those bastards flushed another $50 down the drain of mine in the form of tequila shots. The next thing I remember is drunkenly walking up to Becca and saying something along the lines of “fuck you geek” not my finest insult ever. After the insult I remember walking out of the bar and into another one and from there on in I can’t place myself anywhere apart from a club over the bridge in Tauranga from a photo. I must say I became semi aware of my surrounding when I chucked my guts out right on the water front next to a car of two young love birds trying to enjoy a quick shag, soz. While I remember throwing up I don’t recall dipping my bloody hair into the vomit, fuck my life! Well that’s it from my date next time I will make sure my drunk self keeps notes.

 

 

 

 

Another Weekend Another Tale

If you had told my 17 year old self that I would be shagging triple the amount of girls off of online dating apps instead of clubbing in town, I would have laughed in your face and told you that was flat out bloody creepy. Roll on ten years later and I only find myself going out once a week at the most with the dating app tinder using up the rest of my time. This last weekend I left town for a girl off of tinder.

I left Tauranga for Hamilton on Saturday, heading straight to my old local super liquor in Hamilton East, picking up a 12 pack of shots and a box of beers. I was staying at my mate Scotty’s place and within 5 minutes of being there we had already downed two beers and a shot. I knew we were in for a messy night when Scotty punched a hole in his wall, but instead of thinking ‘lets stay in tonight and watch the footy’ we decided to head to town.

It wasn’t long until every second club started denying us entry because of our intoxication levels. I decided to jump on tinder sitting outside a club trying to sober up a little. In my drunken state I did a mass swipe right, liking anything and anyone, it could have been a fucking goat with a profile and I would have liked it. It wasn’t long until I had some likes back with messages such as “Hi there, what’s your plans tonight”, these Hamilton girls don’t fuck about. I arranged to get picked up by an apparent nurse who was just finishing a 12 hour shift and needed some loving. I broke the news to my mate that he was on his own and I got picked up by this female stranger who I had only messaged a dozen times. We went back to her place which was on the outskirts of Hamilton, I couldn’t help thinking I was on my way to be murdered. After some good sexual chatter in the car we got to her place around half two and immediately got down to business. This wasn’t this 30 something year olds first rodeo, scratching the shit out of my back while telling me to “fuck me harder cowboy” (do I look like a cowboy?) she jumped on top and went hell for leather, I felt as if my willy was going to snap. Anyway it lasted a whooping 15 minutes, which is pretty good for me. After it was done she gave me a ride home to my mates, even going through the McDonalds drive through buying me a LARGE combo – fucking awesome!

Sex, Selfies and One Sore Back

“Ohhh you’re so tight!!!!!”……… unfortunately this wasn’t me talking nasty to one of the dirty girls at the massage parlour, nope this was the voice of the physiotherapist as she examined the damage I had done to my back. “How did you do this to yourself?” she questioned as she begun poking needles into swollen areas of my back. Without wanting to lie, but at the same time not wanting to be too graphic I answered “in the bedroom” with a smirk on my face. She paused for a minute then she chuckled “go on then, tell me the story and don’t worry I hear all sorts working here”. Well I hope she’s ready for this one…

So lets rewind a couple of days before going to physio. I was up to my old tricks putting in some graft to a chick I met through a friend. This girl was a serial selfie picture sender, sending a shit tonne to me through facebook messenger. Luckily for me I have a whole folder full of selfie pictures I send girls, from the cute innocent smiling ones to the full blown dirty dick pics. This girl though was sending me one every bloody half hour, I started thinking “cool you have lots of clothes doesn’t mean I want a fucking photo of you modelling everything you own”. I would be going for a run and my notifications on my phone would be going mental, “you have been sent a photo’ ughhh. We decided to meet up for a drink on Friday after work, she messaged me about 5.30pm asking if she could have my opinion on something, thinking it was something saucy I replied “sure”. Boom! about 20 selfie photos of different outfits came through, fuck sake!

Well we met up, and she was a lovely chick, I began joking about her ridiculous amount of selfies she sent me, she admitted she was obsessed with taking them. Going out for a drink ended up turning into a fully fledged pub crawl. We ended up back at mine at sometime in the AM and immediately got naked, as we began to have sex she proceeded to talk dirty with running commentary. “Take it, take it, I’m you’re nasty girl” she said in between moans. “Harder! Faster! Harder!” she yelled. I was going back and forth so fast that if I was on survivor I bet my penis could have made a fire. Suddenly I felt my lower back go on me “arhhhhh fuck!!!!” I yelp in pain and crumple into a ball next to the naked girl. I had thrust too hard and fast that I had fucked my back. Luckily for me this girl was really nice and stayed with me because I couldn’t move and the pain was horrendous, thank god I had some codeine in the bathroom.

I finished telling the physio the story and all she could say was “maybe next time let her go on top and do some of the work” Classic.

Shit Happens (at the worst times)

Ever dabbled with pre workout supplements? Most give you a huge energy boost. People that have used them say it gives you an intense focus during training, allowing them to train harder for longer. It contains DMAA, dimethylamylamine  which increases the heart rate and is often used as a dietary fat burner. After using it I read a lot of articles about all the side effects it has and also how it had been linked to a few deaths caused by heart attacks, fuck! Anyway this is my story about using it, I wouldn’t endorse people to take it after what happened to me. After the footy season came to a close last year I decided to hit the gym hard, getting a personal trainer to give me a program was step one. Step two was to find some good supplements, which my trainer gave me advise on. Whey protein, amino caps and something I hadn’t tried people called ‘Jack3d’ pre workout. I mixed it in with my water before my workout and holy shit I haven’t worked out so hard in my life, it made my heart pump and I felt like I could do anything! I started using this shit everywhere; before workouts, rugby and even before going night clubbing. You could dance all night on this stuff which is just what I did and that is where I met my girlfriend I had for a week. I was dancing and dancing at the club, jack3d pumping through my veins and that’s when I met her, this really sporty looking chick that was dancing as hard as me. We danced the night away and exchanged numbers as the club closed at 3am, now at this stage I was hoping we would go home together but she gave me a good night kiss, hopped into a taxi and left me outside the club alone. This was going to take some ground work.

This chick was a gym bunny. Going on a date with her was a hard session at the gym, so for the next two weeks we would meet at the gym for flirty workouts. Finally she asked if I wanted to go on a marathon like run along the beach and up Mount Maunganui. I started stressing, hoping that I could keep up with her, but then I remembered I had my jack3d stuff. Still nervous I doubled the amount of the pre workout that was recommended and skulled it down. We started off jogging at a relatively easy pase, she looked smoking in her tight running pants. My stomach began to churn mid way through, thinking nothing of it we continued jogging heading towards the base of the mountain. As we headed up the mount my stomach started getting worse “keep up” she said smiling. She started striding out with her legs so without thinking I did the same, suddenly the churning in my guts violently dropped into my bowels and without warning I shit myself. “Oh my god, I’m having an accident” I yell to her as my arse continues to spray brown goo everywhere. My shorts, legs and shoes are all drenched in shit, “what the fuck Sean, gross!!” she said taking off, leaving me half way up the mount covered in shit. For the next hour I couldn’t stop shitting, it was the worst! Whatever was in this jack3d shit was unforgiving. shithappensMy stomach was extremely sore, luckily I had my phone on me and called mum to come with some fresh pants. The dried shit on my legs took some scrubbing to get off when I got home. That night I got a text saying “sorry for leaving you” which I replied back “shit happens”.

Sleeping With A Follower

“Hey thanks for the follow Tattooed Mulligan x” this was the first private message I got from one crazy crazy follower I have on twitter. It all started about a week ago, after tweeting out a funny joke I thought I would follow a few people who had favourited or retweeted the joke. Almost immediately up pops a message from a pretty attractive girl I had just followed. We did the back and forth chatting and favoriting each others posts, you know just the usual odd shit you do in this day and age to seduce someone.
We continued this for the next few days chatting and even exchanging naked selfies. After rugby training last wednesday I checked my Twitter and I had a message from her “Boo, I’m heading up from Wellington to see you xo” Sweet! Time to get back in the game I thought. After a few beers with the rugby boys at the local bar I texted her my address (bad idea) and headed home. I remembered on the way of my last hook up which turned out to be a guy posing as a girl, I really hope this one is legit. I got to my place, jumped in the shower and within moments of hoping out I heard a knock at the door, the moment of truth had arrived!
I opened the door and to my surprise she looked exactly like she was meant to! I invited her in, exchanged pleasantries, had a few drinks and then she asked “Can we have sex now?” You don’t have to asked me twice! The sex was pretty good nothing to write home about, or blog about. Afterwards we both fell asleep or so I thought, I woke up to the most fucking loud snoring, “I’m sleeping with a fucking frieght train” I thought. I jumped on my Twitter and I was shocked to see she had posted photos of herself with an asleep me to her followers (luckily she only has 200 but still). The posts read something like “sleeping with blogger Tattooed Mulligan #love” What the hell, I quietly grabbed her phone trying not to wake the freight train. Yes! No password protection, I went onto her camera roll and what I saw creeped me out, this weirdo had taken selfies with my Tattooed penis!! What the fuck! I immediately deleted them all, deleted her twitter post, woke her up and verbally threw her out of my house. Through all the commotion of kicking her out she couldn’t understand what she did wrong, laughing it off as if it wasn’t a big deal to which I replied “Maybe take a photo when i’m actually conscious would be a start” With that I slammed the door on her and went back to bed.phonecall
Since then I have blocked her on Twitter but have I have still had hundreds of texts and phone calls. Today after coming back from a run I had 13 bloody missed calls. Why aren’t there any normal girls out there???