Date Site Date Recap

What a sad week it was last week, my blonde Canadian friend flew back to Canada and I met a girl that smelt like a walking ash tray. Anyway the day was Friday and I jumped onto the NZ Dating website; which is a lot like Tinder but its been around for as long as I can remember. You create a profile and click which category you would like your profile to be found on out of relationships, friendships or sexual meetings. When I think of sexual meetings I think of hot as lonely girls on the net looking for a bit of action. Well after browsing the sexual meeting profiles on this NZ dating site most of them are 50 year old toothless grannys looking for a bloody guy to fill their hot water bottle up and help take their fucking false teeth out in preparation for a gum job, fuck no! After getting hit on by half a dozen hungry grannies I luckily found one that was online that was younger than my mum (usually one of my only standards). We start messaging and the third message in she is talking filthy, she is horny as shit which is kinda no surprise being in the section I found her in. I ask her if she wants to come over as all this sex text messaging bullshit doesn’t really do it for me, she said she would get ask her mum if she can babysit. 5 minutes later she replies she can and #DateSiteDate live twitter tweets were born.

The Recap

1

2

3

When she arrived she immediately hugged me and I am met with the over powering stench of cigarettes and far too much perfume. The lounge was free as my flatmate had called me a weirdo for inviting her over and had gone to bed. We have a chat to start things off and eventually snuggle while watching a movie. Thinking it was close to hide the sausage time I started feeling her legs a little bit, she whispers to me that she usually doesn’t do this….hmmm does she fucking not know her profile is in the bloody sexual meeting category with her profile name something like “Fuck Kitten” jesus.

5

Yup that’s right as the movie continues I look over at her and she has fallen asleep, are you fucking kidding me!!! I know she wasn’t pretending either because she began heavy breathing and almost started snoring, what the hell.

6.jpg

I facebook  my flatmate and tell her whats happened and she is pissing herself suggesting I change my twitter name to Bore Mulligan, not funny. She agrees to ring my phone so I can wake this tart up, I put the phones volume right up and nestle it right by her ear. “RING RING RING” she hits the fucking roof and its gilorious ‘Oh sorry I must’ve difted off” she says yawning. Trying to hold the laughter in I ask her if she would like to go home to bed, but no no no this little nap must’ve reinvigorated her because the horny bitch I had been talking to online suddenly came out to play. She started rubbing my crotch, she then went in for a kiss with partial sleep breath mixed with tobacco. I felt myself about to dry reach and pulled my mouth off hers and began kissing her neck. Her neck was no bloody better either as it was covered in fucking perfume, writing this on the sofa I can still smell her stench and it still makes me physically ill.

We whipped off our clothes and I immediately spun her around for doggy style; avoiding any more kissing. After we were done she wanted to cuddle but I said I needed to take a shit so with that she went for a tinkle, chucked her undies on and left – thank fuck. Since Friday she has been sending me mean messages. Telling me how bad the sex was trying to critique me, total bullshit to the point that I have decided to send her a link to this blog when posted so she can see it wasn’t all my fault, kind of hard to be in the “lets have great sex”mood when your shag not only falls asleep but smells so bad that not even a dog would sniff her arse.

Advertisements

Blonde Canadian Date Recap

Waking up with a hangover is bad, but waking up and remembering what you did the night before can be the fucking worst – especially with the stench of numerous other peoples urine covering my jeans and shoes. Previously on the life of Mulligan I went on a double date to a water park (https://tattooedmulligan.com/2016/02/22/gettingwetdate-recap/ ) me and the blonde Canadian got on great but my mate Kurt wasn’t her mates cup of tea, which left spending alone time with the Canadian difficult. Luckily she agreed to another date with just me and her for this past Thursday and #BlondeCanadianDate was born!

Before any date it was time to peal back a few cold ones which on a hot day go down exceptionally well, after that it was a shit, shave, shower and the pre date wank/crank.

1                   2

Once all of that was done it was time to ring a taxi. I fucking hate taxi’s especially here in Tauranga, they are always late and they don’t have a clue where they are going. This time was no exception, after ordering the taxi and getting an estimated time of pick up being 10 minutes these fuckers didn’t turn up for forty minutes, tossers. What made matters worse is that they stopped at every just turned orange light and pretended they didn’t know where to go, fuck sakes if I said take me to town I’m sure even a non taxi driver would understand where fucking town was!

3

When I got to the restaurant the Canadian was visibly annoyed for having to wait but while she was waiting she had sunken quite a few drinks, so it was almost a blessing in disguise as once I had explained what happened she planted a big hello kiss on my lips.

new1

We ordered drinks and began chatting and joking resuming where we had left things from the previous date. I could tell she was also a bit tipsy as she immediately stated flirting with me by telling me she was moist. Moist is such a creepy word, whenever I hear it I picture sweaty underarms which came to mind when she told me that.

6

We continue talking about different things, I ask a lot about Canada which she is happy to tell me about. At one point she asks me if I know what a Canadian Goose is. My initial reply was a native bird, nope she gives me a clue what it is and after a quick google I find out it is something bloody disgusting!

Canadian Goose

You lay a girl down in the middle of the floor naked. you proceed to take a running start diving over her and shitting on her in mid-air. For full effect make a honking sound. – Urban Dictionary
After asking her if that’s what it is, she burst out laughing like a dying goat nodding her head, ” I can’t believe you hadn’t heard of it” she says between skunk laughs. She then brings up how Canadians created maple syrup claiming her and her friends have it on everything from pancake to penises which she says makes for an amazing blow job.
8

Dinner finally gets here with another couple of rounds of drinks, at this stage both of us don’t really need anymore, all she has been talking about is sex sex sex, which compared to our last date makes me think she is on her way to drunk city. During dinner it was time for her to quiz me and she asked if I was good at oral to which I said “if it doesn’t smell like an expired roll of fish sushi then yes I think I’m pretty good” this made the goat laugh come back in full force and by god she has a good set of lungs on her as she can laugh fucking loud!

11

She continues the sexual talking telling me she wants my willy for dessert but when she said that I didn’t think actually meant that she wanted it right there and then at the restaurant!

12

OHHHH SHIT!!! She just asked me outright if I want a shag.

13

14

15

As I walk into the bathroom she is waiting/pretending to check her makeup just in case I was someone else, we go into the toilet locking the door. We kiss for a bit then she sits on the loo and begins to give me a Canadian blow job minus the maple syrup. During the bj I look down and notice the entire floor  we are standing on is covered in piss which my jeans that were around my feet are soaking up, fuck sake. Too busy to do anything about it I continue to enjoy the oral I was receiving,. She finishes sucking on my Bonita banana and takes her undies off, she then bends over putting her hands on the dirty toilet and tells me to put it in, you don’t have to tell me twice.

I start thrusting back and forth, my feet splashing about in the urine puddle and then it happens, we both hear the door to the bathroom open. We both freeze as we hear footsteps sounding as if they were coming right for us, shit we are getting kicked out I thought. Luckily it wasn’t one of the staff coming to see what the hell we were doing it was just some female going into the toilet next to us. We continue to fuck as quietly as we can, we hear her pee stream begin, thinking that she is just peeing we shag on .Then the unthinkable happens – I hear a fart and then splash, SHES DOING A FUCKING POO!!!!! The Canadian doesn’t even give a fuck. She looks back at me as I’m standing there grossed out, “keep going” she whispers. Another fucking splash, but we keep going.Then the fucking stench begins to wofffle over, fuck sake. I pull my shirt over my nose as I try hard to cum so I can bail out of here, but my pre date wank is making it difficult. Another loud fart and a huge splash ensues, come on mully I think to myself we have to get the fuck out of here as the stench grows stronger. I finally cum as the lady beside us is grabbing for the toilet paper to wipe her arse after the massacre she has left in the toilet. We wait until she is finished and both leave the toilet at the same time. THAT WAS ONE OF THE WORST THINGS I HAVE BEEN APART OF.

 

16

We sit back down and quickly finish our drinks as my pants were soaked in urine. She began laughing about what had just happened “I wonder if that lady heard us” she laughed. I don’t know if she heard us but I bloody heard and smelt her destroy the toilet! We get up and say our goodbyes as we both grab different taxi’s going in different directions. Since the date I have made her promise that if we are going to have sex again (which I hope we are because the sex was great) it will be in a bloody bed this time!

 

 

My Gypsy Valentines Date Recap

If someone had told me before I started live tweeting my dates that I would end up going on a date with a gypsy, I would have shook my head and said bullshit. Now before you go shaking your fists at me and saying “there is nothing wrong with gypsies” I had a preconceived idea what a gypsy was from watching reality tv and films. But these New Zealand gypsies are cool fun loving people. We have the annual gypsy fair roll into town once every year, I hadn’t been since I was young so I decided to go. I went with my mates on Saturday as I wanted a new necklace. After browsing a few stands I spotted a fairly attractive women doing face painting outside of one of the wagons. After surveilling where she was working for 5 or so minutes I noticed she had no wedding ring and only two older people in the wagon which I presumed were her parents. After working up enough courage I approached her and asked if I could get my face painted, she looked up at me with a really welcoming smile on her face “what did you want me to paint” she said laughing. “How about your cell phone number” I said laughing, hoping that if she had a boyfriend or wasn’t keen I could point at my mates and say they dared me too. “Oh you are so sweet, how about I just give to to you” she said. Boom! That’s how you do it and now that I had her number it was time to set up a date.

We texted each other for the rest of Saturday, and before long I asked her if she would like to go out for a bite to eat on Valentines. She said she will asked her parents as when it’s the weekend she needs to make as much money as possible to sustain them for the next week. Fast forward to lunch time Sunday and I got the confirmation that she will be able to come for dinner, yay now let’s begin the #ValentinesDayDate recap.

1

4

After a few drinks at my flat I got my flatmate to drop me off at a bar in Tauranga, not wanting to get out I waited in the car until she texted and said she was there. The first thing I noticed when I greeted her with a hug was holy shit she has just taken a fucking bath in incense sticks Jesus Christ it was some strong smelling shit.

new1new2

She seemed like a really down to earth out going girl to begin with and then this happened.

 

new3new4

As I was rambling on about my tattoo’s she holds my arm looking at them and then sees something she doesn’t like (the scab) and just picks the fucking thing off. “Ewww yuck” I say laughing in shock, “yeah it was bugging me” she says smiling thinking sweet fuck all about it. Bugging her?! Who the fuck picks someone else’s scab off them on their first bloody date. Just as my scab started weeping dinner arrived and made me forget about the whole thing, I later found out she loved picking scabs. Weird. Dinner was nice we enjoyed a few more drinks until I decided to see if she wanted desert – and that’s when she said this that made me go as hard as a fucking rock…..

15

My dick began to grow and grow, “Oh I will call a taxi then” I said trying to play it off as casual as possible. “Hurry up” she whispered “I wanna fuck your brains out”. I have never wanted a fucking taxi to pick me up as fast as I did right then!

17

When we got to my house I went for a pee, I thought that I would have to put a movie on before we would get into playing hide the sausage but oh how wrong I was. As I approached the bed she undid my jeans and proceeded to give me the most amazing blow job, so good in fact I had to stop her at one point as I thought I was going to explode. She then told me to get naked and lay on my back and for the next half an hour she rode me like a fucking horse, it was amazing. She was amazing.

18

Afterwards she broke the news to me that she would be leaving tomorrow so she wouldn’t be in Tauranga for at least 8 months to a year. That made me sad, this chick was awesome and she knew what she liked and she gave one helluva blowjob! And I’m not even much of a blow job fan (see this blog and it explains why https://tattooedmulligan.com/2014/10/01/why-i-hate-bow-jobs/). In the morning we had one last shag and I bid her farewell….or so I thought.

Later on Monday she texted me and said she had some good news; the gypsy congregation weren’t leaving until Tuesday now!! She told me to clear my schedule because she was going to cum, I bloody hope so! She brought a candle over and poured the hot wax on me, which kinda fucking hurt but at the same time turned me on so much. She then made me pour it on her…bad idea. She had a wee bit of fluff down there and instead of pouring it on her stomach I accidently poured it on the top of her vagina “ahhhhhhhhhhh” she screamed, that was the end of the candle foreplay. Apart from that the sex again was amazing, she really knew what she was doing on top. So that sums up my Gyspy Valentines Date, its safe to say I had a bloody great Valentines.

 

Testing the Faith Date Blog Recap

 

Another week, another date. Now before I start this recap I thought I better say that I don’t give much of a toss what people believe in, that’s their business and if you don’t force it on me I’m not one to care or judge. Though when I get woken up almost every second weekend to a bunch of door knockers whom are convinced I need saving from fucking Jehovah I soon begin to form opinions on these people. Anyway happily painting away this past week (not sure if I have mentioned that’s what I do for a job, house painter Mulligan, yup). I bumped into my mate at the local paint shop, he works for another painting outfit. He knows of my dates I go on and suggests going on a blind date with his new worker. I was so keen, almost jumping out of my skin thinking that I don’t have to stoop to finding one off tinder. I asked him about her, but he was acting really coy as he said “It’s going to be a blind date bro, it be good for your tweet thingy”. I needed to know something though as he wouldn’t even give me her number telling me he would tell her where to meet me. Finally as he was jumping in his van he said “ok ok ok I will tell you one thing about her; she’s a Jehovah Witness” and with a chuckle he drove off, well this was going to be an interesting date. The few following days leading up to the date I was actually pretty nervous not knowing what to expect or say. Time seems to go fast as before I knew it, it was the day of the date. Fuck I thought – I better have a few beers.

12`3

It was so hot on Saturday here in Tauranga at 28 degrees, which made the beers go down even better then usual. So after a few in the pool it was off to meet my blind date.

45

 

As I get there I spot her sitting at the back left table, where my mate had organised her to sit. As I walk over she peers up from her phone and I could see her looking me up and down with her eyes which felt like more than what one of my other dates would usually do. “Hi you must be Mandy, I’m Sean” I say smiling “Hi” is all she says in return in a cold unfriendly voice. I attempt to start the usual chit chat but instead of getting answers and receiving questions she just gives one word answers, what a rude bitch. That’s when I thought fuck it I’m going to ask about her Jehovah Witness faith because hey she doesn’t want to ask me anything about myself.

6 7

89

101213

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ask I begin to ask her about her Jehovah-ness I could tell she had already made her mind up that she didn’t want to be here, but to her credit she did answer most things I put to her. I almost felt bad for her when she said she didn’t even know her date of birth, but when she dissed my tattoos practically calling them disgraceful well any shit I gave went out the bloody window. It was time to get another drink and piss this tart off.

11.jpg14

15

I hadn’t really got a clue as to what would be too far with her, then I thought fuck I could say anything and she would be offended. What I tweeted next wouldn’t even make my mum raise an eyebrow but when I said it to Mandy, well she fucking stormed out disgusted in what she had just heard leaving me to fork out for the bill.

16.jpg17

18

Well the date was over but the night was young and I was tipsy, so off to the pub I went. Now usually the pub is going off but it was as dead as the fucking chemistry between me and my date. Not letting the mundane atmosphere get in the way I began to drink and drink and drink until I began singing karaoke. I thought I was the next Sam Smith busting out some huge ballads which looking back at it now, I feel sorry for the bar staff. After a couple of hours this bar was still only under a quarter full so I thought bugger it I’m going to see if my stripper friend was at work. Yup she was, and she was so happy to see me giving me a topless hug. In fact she was so happy to see me she finished early! Well I don’t really need to say what happened for the rest of my night apart from hide the sausage became a reality – wahoo!!

12625955_10207456819810548_721530226_n

 

 

1st Date of 2016 Blog Recap

 

Ever had to pick dried vomit out of your hair? No? Me neither until waking up from drinking excessively on Sunday. Now usually I remember what I have been up to whilst drinking, hell I usually write notes on my phone when I’m going for a piss throughout the night to make my blog as accurate as possible. But this last Saturday night I got lit up majorly. I found a picture of me hugging some random that I have no recollection of being taken, what’s more bizarre is where the fuck did I get the shirt from?! I was wearing a completely different one during my date and I sure as heck didn’t go home to get changed. Was I abducted by aliens? Sounds farfetched but my asshole was bloody sore the next morning and I know aliens are inclined to anal probe their victims hmmmm. Anyway enough with all that shite and back to recapping my date and sharing with you what happened/what I can remember about the rest of the night.

Being that it was a hot ass day on Saturday I had been having a few quiet ones at home. After sinking half a dozen, I realized that I better not drive so my date agreed to pick me up1               2

When she pulled up I had just been looking over her Tinder profile, yes another one I have met off there. She got out of the car and I thought to myself “fuck is that a mini van getting out of the car?” she was fucking huge compared to her photos. I was in a merry state from the beers so instead of not going on the date I thought bugger it lets go.

2-3mcflurry

After the usual ‘first meeting someone’ chit chat she announces she is craving a mcflurry ice cream as we are almost past the McDonald’s entrance. She jams on the breaks and almost spins the car out trying to get into the drive through, for fuck sake, who does this on the first date? Especially only ten minutes into it.

5              6

We finally get to the restaurant after she gobbles downs her ice cream, I spot a sweet deal on the new export beer – 4 for $20 I get them and we put our order in for dinner. Our gourmet burgers turn up which look great, I tuck into mine and look up to see her sifting through hers. I pick up my phone and take a snap, she is chucking out everything except the egg and the pattie. “What the heck are you doing” I say half joking. “I hate vegetables” she replies. Well fuck me I’m not the biggest fan on certain veges but by Christ she has made a mess, leave it on your plate bro.

9                     newpppp

She insists we get dessert even though she already slayed a fucking ice cream before hand, I asked her if we could share one which is usually a super cute thing I do with a date. She looks sad and agrees we could, we get a chocolate brownie and she goes to town on it. For every one mouthful I have, she has two scoffing it down.

I finish off my last beer and we head off to the nearby pub, at this stage she looks better than she did at the start of the night, beer goggles obviously in full effect now. We grab a drink and set ourselves up on a table by the bar.

rudebitches                        14

After finishing our first drink we head to the bar for another one and I suggest a shot of vodka which she shakes her head at, fuck it two for me then. We head up stairs to the top story to have a drink on the balcony and that’s when I spot her, the fucking rude bitch from the first date I live tweeted (if you have forgotten her here is the link to her date https://tattooedmulligan.com/2015/10/11/live-tweeting-my-date-recap/ ). I have a laugh to myself as she is with a couple of needle dick looking drop kicks and a equally as geeky girl. Wondering if the geek girl was Becca whos texts I read on the last date, ignoring my date and began eavesdropping into there convo. “You want another drink Becca?” one of the nerds said, BOOM! It was the bitch, they hadn’t spotted me so I continued to watch them.

Now here’s when it got a bit hazy as I can’t figure out a few things/place them in order. I remember my date getting fed up with me and leaving and the “I have a sore tummy” excuse. I looked back on my twitter and saw that my last tweet was me chatting to some Canadians, well those bastards flushed another $50 down the drain of mine in the form of tequila shots. The next thing I remember is drunkenly walking up to Becca and saying something along the lines of “fuck you geek” not my finest insult ever. After the insult I remember walking out of the bar and into another one and from there on in I can’t place myself anywhere apart from a club over the bridge in Tauranga from a photo. I must say I became semi aware of my surrounding when I chucked my guts out right on the water front next to a car of two young love birds trying to enjoy a quick shag, soz. While I remember throwing up I don’t recall dipping my bloody hair into the vomit, fuck my life! Well that’s it from my date next time I will make sure my drunk self keeps notes.

 

 

 

 

New Years – Cheapskates, Mates and Sandy Dates

What an extremely bizarre News Years it was, I have been really reluctant to blog about it because it was a little too messed up to put into words. But after taking a harden up pill I decided to share with you all – enjoy.

Since Rhythm and Vines was off the cards because my two mates wanted me to pay for them and promised they would pay me back sometime (heard that old chestnut before), I decided against that idea and to head to Ohope beach for the night, which is where a lot of my family are from. Before I went I needed to pick up a present for my Aunty as her birthday is the 31st of December. I stopped off in Tauranga looking around eventually strolling down to where all the pubs are located. “Hello” a foreign sounding voice said. I turned my head and saw two girls sitting at the bar, both looked pretty decent. “You like drink?” they asked. I grab myself a beer and sat down with them.

I couldn’t believe my luck, being asked to come for a beer with two fairly attractive foreigners. I attempted to start a conversation but they did not have a clue to what I was saying. I then started using hand gestures which seemed to do the trick. I got out of them that they were from France and staying in Tauranga next door at the backpackers. After an awkward 5 minutes of smiling and simple conversation like “weather very hot yea” their larger ‘I just walked out of a Zombie casting call’ friend turned up. She looked dead with bags under her eyes larger than her mates fucking tits. Luckily she spoke much better English and told me she had just slept for 20 hours straight suffering from chronic jet lag.

We continue chatting and I notice the original two had not refilled their drinks since I had been there, being the gentleman I am and also thinking fuck me I could do alright here; I brought all three of them a drink. We continue to chat until The Walking Dead extra lets it slip that they all have boyfriends “yeah our boyfriends are all asleep upstairs night now”. Ummmm you fucking what are where. These cheapskate lil shits had invited me for a drink so I could pay for theirs. I could tell the other two weren’t very happy with her as they must have understood what she said, as they gave her the evils probably thinking that they could bleed another couple of drinks out of me. After necking my beer and contemplating drinking their drinks I got up and said “see you later” and that was that.

Not long after that I head to Ohope beach, with the new motorway open it only took an hour 20 to get there. Once I got to my cousins it was cold beer after cold beer, he had been drinking since mid-day so was pretty toasted when I rocked up at 6. We continued drinking with my Aunty and Uncle till around ten, then me and my cousin headed off to the Ohope beach camping grounds. We found a ton of other people drinking there, introduced ourselves and began drinking. I set my eyes on this fairly attractive goth looking chick with piercings all over her face. We struck it off pretty well, she introduced me to her best friend whom she was sharing a tent with – a dude. ‘Oh he’s cute babe” he said to gothy after shaking my hand, thank god he’s an Adam and Steve type of guy I thought.

We carried on chatting for what seemed like a good hour. These two certainly live the alternative lifestyle, telling me how they live up in Auckland and usually squat at homes that are being built or live between friends’ houses. Me and gothy had a New Year’s kiss at the countdown and we all continued chatting and drinking. As it does, the subject of sex came up and gothys gay friend; whose name is Lance, started going on about how great gothy is at giving head. Chiming in she admits she is and loves doing it. Getting all hot and horny she tells me she is going to the toilet inviting me to come, I leap up like a spring chicken. Lance says he needs to go as well; instant cock block I thought. Gothy takes me into the boy’s toilet’s kissing me and grabbing my penis out of my pants like a women possessed. She starts stroking it “you wanna try something fun” she asked “fuck yeah” I replied. Pointing to a make shift glory hole that had been made in the wall she tells me to put my penis in there and she will go into the toilet next door and suck me off. I shove my willy in there as fast as possible and suddenly my penis is getting the best blow job, damn this is some weird shit but it was so bloody good. Suddenly gothy reappears in my toilet but wait a fucking minute this blow job is still happening.

“WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING” I say in a frightened voice.

“Don’t worry” she says fondling my balls. “Just enjoy it”.

“Nah nah, oi stop please” I say to the blow jobber.

I stagger out of the toilet with a full chubby to find fucking Lance on this knees, “boy you seemed to really like that Seany”.

All I could get out of my mouth was “n n nah I didn’t”.

WHAT THE FUCK HAD JUST HAPPENED!!!! These filthy squatters had fooled me into thinking I was getting head from gothy only to find Lance sucking me off.

“Come back and let me finish you” Lance said excitedly.

“No fuck no, you guys tricked me, I’ve got to go” I said, and with that I fucking legged it out of there completely mind fucked as to what had just happened. I ran the half way back to my Aunty and Uncles along the beach leaving my cousin there to fend for himself, realizing how drunk I was and sit down to a rest and end up passing up on the sand dunes.

Well it’s been a few days since New Year’s now and I have processed what happened, another lesson learnt. If you get a blow job from putting your willy through a glory hole make sure you know, or are prepared for who is on the other fucking side!

 

Last Minute Date Recap

1

As I started to get ready for a night alone, gearing up to watch the latest wrestling DVD that came in the mail a text came through from a lady I have been messaging for over a month off of Tinder. She was asking if I wanted to go out to get a bite. Feeling slightly lonely after a previous full on weekend with 3 dates I replied with a “sure”. 2So with that it was time to get out of my footy shorts, jump in the shower and meet this lady at a place she wanted to go to called the Citz Club which I had never heard of.

When I got to the place there was an ambulance outside which was just leaving with its lights on, not thinking anything of it I got out of the car and text Chrissy I was here, she explained she was upstairs so I went on in. When I got to the top and peered in I found out exactly what the Citz club was, it was short for Citizens club i.e RSA, bingo club, where old people dine out.

3

It wasn’t hard finding which one my date was as she was the only one without fucking grey hair. I went right over to her, she was talking to some old lady whom I found out later was her aunty. With a forced smile I said hello to them both. Once I got Chrissy alone I asked her why the hell did she want to come here for to which she explained its cheap and she used to work here; which are all of the reasons why I wouldn’t go somewhere.

45

She was right about the drinks being super cheap and the meals were too, except they looked and tasted like fucking slop.

1011

712

14

The longer we spent here the busier it got with zimmer frame after walking stick filling the bloody room. As for this lady, she was very forth coming asking me a lot of shite. I thought I was getting interrogated at one stage. It was question after question like:

  • How long have you been on tinder?
  • How many people have you met up with off tinder?
  • What made you want to meet up with me?
  • Are you a whore?

Suddenly a voice came over the loud speaker announcing that it was time for the Wednesday waltz. Fuck sake; although it did stop all the questions.

15

Now at this stage my phone went flat, I wasn’t prepared for this date so it wasn’t fully charged to begin with. She asked if I wanted to waltz – like fuck. Wanting to make the most of the cheap beers I suggested we go talk to her aunty who worked at the bar. Bad fucking move as I got another round of bloody questions from her aunty, more subtle ones but still. After Chrissy started talking to a couple of the regulars and ended up leaving me with her aunty while she did the waltz, I decided it was time to go. Another couple of lessons learnt for Mr Mulligan. Find out exactly where it is you are dining and sometimes alcohol just can’t save a terrible night.