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Middle Of Nowhere Date Recap

If you watch too much of something you get convinced real life is going to be like that. Well that’s exactly what happened to me last night. As I lay in bed trying to recount what exactly happened to me, all I can do is laugh…

I had been chatting to a girl on Tinder for a week or so, when she asked if I would like to meet up. I looked at how far away she was, about a two hour or so round trip. I agreed. This meant I could keep Twitter informed as my dating posts were live. 

Now, if you haven’t followed my live Twitter dating updates before shame on you! But, people seem to get a kick out of me updating everyone on how a date is progressing. 

So after an hour drive to the middle of nowhere, I finally came across her address. Her house looks like something out of one of ‘The Conjuring’ movies. The outside of the house was run down to fuck. I knocked on the door, and had convinced myself that the fucking Texas chainsaw dude was about to answer the door and saw my cock off. But to my surprise the girl I had been messaging answered the door. Fuck yes! She greeted me with a smile and welcomed me in.

There were no pubs where my date lived, so we drank at her place and then eventually went to her friends. We chatted about bullshit like cars, hunting and fishing which I had know idea about, but I was winging it and sprinkled bullshit on top made those conversations work. 

We got to her friends place just before 8pm, which I thought was pretty early, but not for her friend who had already polished off 10 x 7% cans of whiskey and cola. She was happy to see us. That happiness must’ve been a relief as she wanted us to play the drinking game, kings cup/circle of death/ four kings ….fuck….

At first her friend refused to let us play, telling us to take 4 shots of vodka so we would be on her level. We took the shots and the game was on! With some luck I got the rule card a couple of times. The first rule I made was pretty tame “if someone turns over a heart card you have to act out what your favourite thing to do in foreplay is. WOW! So I have never got my finger sucked before, but fuck me that was one lucky finger. The pressure was spot on and the technique was fucking lush. I wished it was something else feeling that pressure.


After all three of us were pretty sloshed, I decided to push my luck and make a saucy rule. “If either of you pick up a heart you have to kiss” I felt like a fucking horny 16 year old announcing this, minus the erection and with a pretty happy sucked off finger.

Well my date got a heart and they kissed. A peck? No, these middle of nowhere chicks were going hard. They were groping each other, their tongues getting lost in each others mouths. Well have no fear Mullie was there! I wanted the game to continue so I got in the middle of them. I honestly tried to remind them of the importance of the game at hand. “Fuck the game” the friend said as she knocked away the cards “give us that cock”

If there was an Olympic medal for getting naked I would have won it. Those two eager beavers commanded my clothes came off and that I gave them the D. Within seconds I was completely naked. They started giving me head and for the next 10 minutes we continued the foreplay. Eventually,  I decided it was time for my ‘lil boy’ to venture into a couple of blackholes. As I got it ready my date said “Lets do the swamp thing.” The fuck…? I thought as I laid there with a rock hard one.

They grabbed my hands and took me outside, for some reason I thought I was going to be sacrificed to the bloody middle of nowhere gods. But luckily that wasn’t the case. Those two horny girls just wanted to fuck outdoors. Most of us call it public sex, dogging or just simply sex outside, but not these girls. They had made my penis retreat into my body as they took me outside for some fucking swamp thing.

Luckily, a bit of mouth to mouth resuscitation woke ‘lil mate’ up and we fucked outside while the full moon beamed down on us. What a bloody great time to be alive. Now I wish I could sound like a blogging pimp and say we were out there shagging for fucking ages but no. Uncle Mulligan tired his best not to explode by thinking of his grandma in the middle of the fun but eventually I fucking exploded like firework in a letterbox.

We then went inside because who wants to cuddle outside. They continued drinking and I stopped in preparation to drive back early Sunday morning. I had a nap on the couch and as soon as my alarm went off I was greeted with morning sex.

 I bloody love the middle of nowhere!!!
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Vegas Baby

I met with my Contiki group and we headed off for Vegas. Contiki, is a bus tour designed for people 18 – 35 year olds, which is great as ya don’t get any old fuck on the tour. As we hit the highway out of Los Angeles our bus and all the cars behind it were flagged down by police to stop. Two police cars had pulled over a car and the driver was refusing to stop. It didn’t take long for two police cars to become five and guns drawn. Luckily, our tour guide made light of it and played The Clash’s “I Fought The Law” song whilst this was going on.


In my previous blog, I moaned about the Los Angeles heat but as soon as we got into Las Vegas, the middle of the desert, the heat was fucking insane. I even found it hard to breath. As I tried to find the nearest casino to run into, to escape the heat I saw some fucking local with jeans on. FUCKING JEANS ON!

We checked into Westgate Resort & Casino, I have never seen anything like it. There was a tattoo studio in the place where we were staing, MERICA. We went out clubbing that night, like everything in America the clubs were huge. I hung out with one of the bro’s for most of the night drinking expensive drinks, high as a fucking kite. We met up with a few of the peeps on the trip and decided to head back to our resort.

 

As we were walking back one of the English girls kept dropping subtle hints about herself and her situation. “Single in Vegas” she said out loud which oblivoulsy got my attention. She the put her arm around me calling me fucking SAM? “Sam, I don’t have a roommate” she said to me – Sean. I played along with her “Oh you are lucky, I do and he is a bloody strange English dude” Eventually, I asked her “Am I coming back to your room?” and she said “If you want.” That night I showed her why Kiwis always come first whether it be at rugby or at sex, because I bloody eurpted in fucking minutes. Oh the shame.


The next day, involved a lot of legal weed, swims by the pool to nurse the hangover, deep fried pickles and a kick ass Cirque du Soleil show. God I love vegas.

American Tour Part 1 LA

What a bloody whirlwind of a trip, after taking a few months hiatus from blogging to work on my music, I’m back. 

Lets get back into it and boy oh boy do I have some juicy stories from the United States to share. I started my trip in Los Angeles with a direct flight from New Zealand, which was handy. Going through customs at LAX was a pretty nerve racking experience. Everyone had told me how hard the Americans are at letting people in but luckily for me I got the coolest dude who was into tattoos and was completely chill. “Welcome to America Sean, enjoy your stay” he said handing me back my passport. America, fuck yeah! 

As I got out of the airport, it was as if I had stepped into a sauna, I had never experienced that type of heat before. 40 something degrees, the type of heat where your balls instantly start sweating and your belly button develops its own pool of sweat. I immediately got an Uber and high tailed it to my motel, it was in the heart of down town LA. My hotel was called ‘Little Tokyo Hotel’ if you are ever thinking of staying in Los Angeles, DON’T STAY THERE! It had no fucking air conditioning! It was 40 degrees outside and 50 degrees inside! I got there late and had already paid, so I attempted to sleep. Well I now know what it feels like to have no sleep on a plane, no sleep in a filthy scum fuck motel, be dehydrated and have sweaty fucking balls.

The next day, I checked into the motel across the road making bloody sure they had air conditioning before booking in. After checking in, the first thing I did was have a shower…. joking, it was to jump on Tinder! I immediately matched with over 100 women. “Fuck me!” I thought, being in a bigger country is insane. I didn’t even have to do any grafting, one of the girls messaged me saying “OMG, I love accents” and before I knew it that girl was on top of me enjoying this Kiwi sausage! 

The next few days, consisted of a lot of sightseeing which I won’t bore you with. Although the main actress off of Orange Is The New Black nearly crashed into our Hollywood sightseeing buggy, which was pretty entertaining. I ended up shagging 3 girls whilst in Los Angeles, which was pretty good, considering I was only there for 4 days. Although I would’ve loved to make it 4 from 4. 

Next stop Las Vegas! Holy heck did I get up to some mischief in the City of Sin 😍

PS I Fucking Love Hooters 👌🏼👌🏼

I’m in love with a Stripper

After another failed attempt at getting into  relationship, I’m here to tell the tale and warn other dudes not to get too infatuated with a girl. There is a saying “never meet your hero” well mine now is “never try getting in a relationship with your favourite stripper” because that’s exactly what I did.

I meet Raven (her stage name) at the local strippers a month back, she was smoking hot, a little blonde bombshell. I immediately ordered a private dance off her. She seemed really down to earth and extremely flirtatious. I had the hots for her BADLY, coming back on the Friday and Saturday to the strippers, spending at least $800 on tips and dances off her; what a fucking idiot.

The following Thursday couldn’t come around fast enough, the strip club opened at 8 and I was first at the door eagerly awaiting to see my Raven. There was also two old farts in their mid 60’s waiting to get in. I asked who they were here to see, they both said almost simultaneously “Raven”. I felt so fucking jealous, “she’s minnnneeeee” I thought. All us three got let in at once, we must’ve looked like punters waiting to be let in to a store for a huge sale, all of us power walking/ jogging in to get the best deal. We all spotted Raven at the bar and made our way over to her. She hugged me then she hugged them, I was so oozing with jealously, “Can I buy you a drink?” I asked her.

One of the old guys said “Can I have a private lap dance, a 1 hour one?” he waved his rolled up 100 dollar bills at her just like in the movies. She grabbed him and away they went. He looked back at me and winked “MOTHER FUCKER!” I thought.

I waited and waited for her to come out, spending the bare minimum on the other strippers during their dances. She finally came out, I brought her a drink and we began to talk. I was trying to get it out of her if she was single or what but she kept going around in circles saying “Oh you should buy a private dance off me and maybe I will tell you” just trying to hustle me for money. I caved, buying a $350 six-song private dance off her, trying to talk to her the whole time. All she told me was that she was seeing someone but it wasn’t anything serious. “Wahoo! I thought there is a God!” I spent a grand that night, what a bloody mug.

The next couple of weeks I kept visiting the strippers, wasting hundred after a hundred on her. I caught up with my mate (whom I went to those swingers parties with last year) who told me Raven was engaged and was using the money she was making to help pay for her wedding. Well fuck me, I had just paid for pretty much the entire reception, I felt like a complete fool. I couldn’t even blame Raven, she was doing what she had to to make some coin.

I decided to stop going to the strippers and have resorted back to my old faithful Tinder. I would like to make a toast to new girls and new blogs, cheers!

Sleeping with a Gang Memebers Daughter

Ok if you think a girl’s hot but her Dad’s an active senior member of a gang DO NOT MESSAGE HER! I wish this could be the end of the blog and I could say that’s exactly what I did; but as I sit her typing this up I’m nursing two black eyes and a suspected broken nose.

Now to be fair, at the beginning when I began messaging this beautiful 20-something-year-old girl, I had no idea of her gang ties. As we got talking she mentioned her dad was in one of the local gangs. Umm what the fuck do I say to that? Well I say like any dork would, “Oh he must have a sweet motorbike.”

I should’ve left it at that, said have a nice life and fucking RUN but no I continued to flirt with her and eventually organised to meet her.

I drove over to her house to pick her up, I didn’t know she lived with her parents but when I pulled up a Harley was parked in the drive way “Here x” I texted her. “Umm this is awk but dad wants to meet you, can you come say hi xxx?” was her reply. Fuck I thought. I nervously approach the door and am met by this huge mammoth of a man. “Hi there mate, here to pick Ashley up” I stammer, I extend my hand to shake his, he doesn’t shake mine, instead he looks around and says in a deep booming voice “Ashley your boy’s here.”

We go for dinner at a local restaurant which was nice, Ashley seemed pretty straight up, honest and quite frankly fairly rude which was a bit intimidating to me as I’m used to shy girls who open up after a couple of drinks. Not Ashley. She was loud and rude to the waitress. When our dinner turned up she grunted, looked at the waitress and said “about time.”

After dinner I should’ve made an excuse that something had come up and dropped her home but no. Thinking with my other head I invite her back to mine and we shag. The sex was good but definitely not worth what was yet to come.

Knowing pretty much from the get-go that I couldn’t see myself in a relationship with Ashley, the days following that night I completely blanked her, ignoring her messages, not opening her snaps, just being complete dickhead. Well this must’ve really pissed Ashley off because on Monday as I got back from my run I noticed a Harley motorbike parked outside my house. Thinking it might be my petrol head neighbour’s friend I carry on walking up the drive. FUCK! As I get up my drive I see what looks like the grim fucking reaper, it’s Ashley’s dad!

“Ashley tells me you are being a fuck cunt to her” he barks at me as he walks over to me. Before I can even get two words out, he punches me in the guts instantly winding me then punches me in the nose making it explode with blood “You be nice to my baby girl, if I hear you aren’t I will be back for another chat” he says as he walks off.

After profusely apologising to Ashley, she must’ve got wind that her dad didn’t actually just have a word with me as she says sorry and asks if we can be just friends. Well fuck me that is fine with me. One thing I learned from this scary experience is don’t be a dirtbag and blank a chick after you have slept with her, her dad might be a bloody gang member.

THE WORST WEEKEND OF MY SEX LIFE EVERRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!

You think you had a bad weekend as it pertains to sex? Believe you me; mine was 10 times worse! With just the shit that went down last Friday night I was going to put pen to paper and write up a blog called ‘A Bad Weekend’, but then Saturday night came and went and I’m changing the title to THE WORST WEEKEND OF MY SEX LIFE EVERRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!
It all started on the Friday. I had been messaging a Tinder girl from Tauranga for a while. We had already gone on two dates and she had a three-date minimum before sex – which was fine, totally respectable and commendable. So I called over to her place after I had finished work with a bottle of honey whiskey. She’d already started drinking a couple of hours before and urged me to catch up. Not only did I catch up, I bloody overtook her shot-ing most of my 1 litre of whiskey I had brought. We started kissing on her sofa, I remember popping a Viagra and sneakily putting my shiny new cock ring I had brought on. Then the whiskey hit me like a freight train and I passed out.
I woke up/came too with her on top of me, with me inside her but I could hear a guy’s voice. “WTF” I thought as no guy had been at her place beforehand. I look up and while she was riding me she was sucking off a random guy. I admittedly panicked and told her to get off and that I wasn’t comfortable with this. To say she hit the roof was an understatement! “WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!!” she began “WHY ARE YOU BEING SO WEIRD THIS!” Hmmm maybe because I had no clue as to what was going on? She stormed out of her room and random guy walked out to console her. I went to the toilet and as they were outside still having a smoke, I went back to sleep. I woke up in the morning in her bed with no-one else, I walked out to the lounge to see him and her cuddled on the sofa. I picked up my shoes and got the fuck outta there, still trying to figure out what the fuck had happened.
Saturday didn’t start for me until about 3pm when I stumbled out of bed, hopped into the car and took off to Hamilton. I met up with the girl whom I shagged on New Year’s at her place. We had been talking since New Year and were going to go to town clubbing on Saturday. We started drinking and she decides to bust out the Jager and here we go, another slippery slope for Mr Mulligan. She ordered a taxi and fuck me I can’t find my wallet, we look everywhere for it even ripping my car apart but to no avail. She still wants to go to town so she puts me to bed in her bed and whispers “I’ll be back to have some fun” I smile and pass out.
“Sean? Sean? Sean!!!!!!!” she yells at me shaking me. I wake up and start to grin, for the fun to come I thought. But I look up at her and notice a big buff Maori bloke behind her. Fuck me I thought, not another repeat of Friday night’s debauchery. It’s even fucking worse, “Um hi” she begins nicely. “Can you go sleep on the sofa please?” she asks. She has brought back a fucking shag!!!!!!!! Feeling defeated and dejected I go lie on her sofa and try to drift back to sleep but not before I hear this girl that I actually liked moaning as this dude rooted her. WORST WEEKEND OF MY LIFE DOT COM.

The Happy Ending Massage Story

For a guy who prides himself on being a bit of a sexual deviant, I haven’t had a happy ending massage… WTF! I was in Melbourne two weekends back for a catch up with some mates when one of them questioned if I had ever had a erotic Thai massage. My answer quite simply was no, but dammit this motivated me to have one!

Now for those of you who don’t know what a erotic Thai massage is; basically it’s just a massage with a hand job at the end.. basically. Now let’s paint the scene before we get to the happy ending.

On the Thursday  I flew out to Melbourne, loaded up with duty free booze and as soon as we touched down it was balls to the walls drinking.

I was staying in a motel in the heart of the city called Space Motel, an upmarket hostel. I met my mates who had booked the same motel. By this stage I was fucking legless and the rest of the night’s a bloody blur.

I woke up at about 6am in a pool of my own piss, yes human fucking urine. So for the next day I went shopping for a bloody blow dryer to dry my sheets and pee-infused mattress.

The next night I bedded a Swedish chick and my god, she was freaking sexy. I took her back to my room and we were enjoying the drunk sex for a few minutes until she noticed the bed was wet. My pee hadn’t dried and it fucking STUNK, in her broken English she said “eww pee pee ewww disgusting” and she took off, fuck me dead that was so bloody embarrassing.

Finally it was the day of the massage. After scouting a few places I settled on one in the city called Tender Touch. When I arrived I was welcomed by an Asian-looking Mr Bean, “Hi are you here for some boom boom?” he asked, “No, no, just a massage, happy one” I explained. He stood there for a second so I continued saying “Massage” and sign language with my hands “happy ending” doing the wanking action. “Oh oh ok hi hi, I bring girls for you to pick.”

After about 10 girls walking out introducing themselves to me, I felt like a judge on American Idol about to give one the ticket to Hollywood. I ended up choosing Ayumi, a slim looking Asian who was very, very beautiful. She invited me into the room “You undress now, all clothes off” she commanded. She came back in as I had stood there naked, “You sure you no want boom boom, you a sexy man?” she asked trying to up-sell me a shag. “No, no just a massage and happy ending thanks”

She begin massaging my back and holy heck it was so good, just the right amount of pressure. She worked her way down to my bum and began massaging me bum hole, “This is fucking weird” I thought. She focused on this area a bit too much, rubbing her thumbs into the hole. After drinking heavily the night before, all this did was make me wanna have a poo. “Turn over now” she told me. I turned over and she began the happy ending. She began rubbing my balls and then eventually started wanking me. I didn’t last long, she was that good I exploded all over my stomach. “Ohh wow lots of juice” she giggled and with that she left the room.

Well that was different but I’m glad I can tick that off my deviant bucket list. Wonder what I could do next? The Mile High club sounds like a good idea!  Merry Christmas and Happy New Year guys and gals. Thanks so much for reading my blogs over the year.

Do’s & Don’ts When Attending A Swingers Party

Well after attending my 3rd swingers party and witnessing a couple get kicked out (no joke!) I thought I would list a few dos and don’ts when attending one of these get togethers. Our group actually sends a list before attending to newbies just in case.

Firstly Don’t come in bare feet or jandals (flip flops, thongs whatever you call ’em) These are sophisticated events so rocking up in a fucking singlet, shorts and no shoes on is a big no no.

Next while we are on the clothing subject, a collared polo or dress shirt is what’s expected along with dress pants or dress jeans. For the ladies a dress or shirt and skirt is what’s required – anything else has to be approved by the hosts ahead of time.

One big Don’t is don’t get too drunk, now this happened the last time with a female guest getting really intoxicated. Now add in getting very loud it was a recipe for disaster. “Who wants to fuck me?!!!!!!” she yelled out, “When’s all the fucking going to start?” she moaned. It got to the point where she got asked to leave and then forced to leave. She was a newbie and was obviously nervous, so to come out of her shell she drunk super fast. From all accounts she should’ve stayed in her fucking shell.

Another no no is if you wanna shag someone’s date, make sure your date’s into the partner. Last time my partner was chatting up some bloke and didn’t ask me if I was keen on the woman – I wasn’t – she was as interesting as watching fucking golf on tv. Being a good wingman I still shagged her; almost hitting my ball in the rough a few times but eventually getting a hole in one.

A couple more Dos and Don’ts are –

Bring condoms, common courtesy and respect. Some couples may not mind not using them but everyone’s different

Bring alcohol. Even though the hosts put on drinks and snacks, it’s always nice to bring a bottle of wine for the hosts.

Don’t bring RTD drinks like vodka cruises, pre-mixed Jim Beam, 12-24 boxes of beer. This isn’t a fucking garage party with mates. 6-pack of beer or a bottle of wine is fine. But as stated before, the hosts have that covered.

Well that’s it for what to do at a swingers party, blog about Thai massage Parlour Happy Endings with be up next.

I Have A Girlfriend… Had

3 days have passed and I’m still feeling sick to my stomach. No it wasn’t the result of drugs, pills or dodgy sex; I got dumped. Yes I had a girlfriend for three whole weeks, the longest relationship I’ve been in for a long, long time.

It all began when I met this girl over in Scotland back in August. We had kept in contact ever since with her eventually flying to New Zealand to be with me. For the first week or so everything was amazing, the sex? AMAZING, everything you could dream of, blowjobs, toys, biting and even the odd finger up the bum. The second week, well fuck me, if you have ever thought someone has a different personality when they drink, think that but times a hundred.

The first night of meeting Jen’s drunk personality happened at the local fishing club. Every second week me and the boys go to the local fishing club for a catch-up and to participate in quiz night. Jen got shit-faced quickly and began loudly asking to suck my penis in front of all the other teams. My mates were looking at me wondering who the fuck was this girl I had invited?

She then attempted to take my penis out of my pants and suck it in front of the place. Now, take into account there were families there, this was fucked. I put this night down to her being nervous but two nights later shit was inexcusable – although surely just this would’ve been to most people.

So the dreadful night was finally here, my mates were having a party at their house, what a perfect time for them to meet my new girlfriend Jen I thought. We go to their place and everyone was having a good time, drinking beers, listening to music and dancing.

We all then decided to head to town, at this point I noticed Jen’s drunken alter ego was coming out as she let me finger bang her in the taxi on the way to town, something her sober self would detest. We went to the local bar club called The Mellick, the live band was pumping. Jen was being social, talking to a couple while the rest of us were enjoying the band. I went to get us a drink and turned around just in time to see Jen leaving with the couple! “Where you going babe?” I said, thinking maybe she’s just going outside for a ciggie. “Going back to their place for a threesome” she said bluntly. Ya fucking what?! Before I could stop her, she was in the taxi and on her way home with them.

That night for me was the lowest of lows, wasn’t I good enough? Is she actually having a threesome? What the fuck just happened? Am I dreaming? Well most of those questions got answered in the morning when she finally answered her phone “oh my god Sean, I am so

sorry” she messaged.

She went on to admit she had slept with the couple and tried to make me believe she regretted it.

Well suffice to say we broke up after that night and she was on her way back to where she came from. That’s me done with relationships for the foreseeable future, that really gave me self doubt about myself and make me question a lot of things. Time to get back to tinder, shagging and making music, bring on the summer!

Live Tweeting at a Swingers Party

Sometimes going to something the second time never lives up to what it was like the first time. But suck me sideways, this second time at a swingers party was amazeballs!
I got permission to live tweet the event as last time I shagged the hosts; I didn’t even know they were until we got invited to a private Facebook group to set this party up. The only conditions people had were no photos and no names on the tweets which was fine by me.

When we got to the party there was no sign of the dude who had the pineapple rings around his penis – which sucked as he was pretty funny. It was almost a completely different set of people apart from the hosts and one other couple. 

After chatting for a while, every second person was a business owner from around the local area obviously looking for a bit of fun away from the stresses of work.

Two pretty extroverted couples announced they are going into the bedroom and people were free to come watch. You don’t have to tell me fucking twice or my partner in crime for that fact. These couples weren’t shy either, dicks, fannies, tits and balls were on show for everybody to see. The couples started sucking their partners then changed over. The guys followed suit then oral, one of the girl’s bushes looked straight out of the 70’s, hairy as fuck. I felt sorry for the dudes that had to eat that, a little care trim goes a long way. 

The guys began shagging these two woman missionary, then swapping over, then the girls wanted a go on top. One of the woman told me to grab her tits, this is awesome I thought! Not long both guys’ corks blew and it was back to the party we went. 

We started chatting to a younger couple who seemed pretty cool, girl was blonde about 5’1′ and looked about 25. The bloke was in his early thirties from what I could tell. They were newly married but had an open relationship from the get go as they both liked sharing each other. 

They invited us to go down to a room, my date was a little reluctant because the guy thought he was hot shit, but she knew I wanted to shag his mrs so off we went. Now you know when some people like heaps of sauce of their fries/chips? Well these motherfuckers were the same when it pertained to lube. Fuck me they used what felt like half a bottle on my date and me. It was the slipperiest fuck ever, so slippery I went to do doggy style with the dude’s mrs and my dick slid right into her arse. “Ughhhhhhh” she yelped, “wrong hole! wrong hole!” 

Apart from the overuse of the lube the sex was amazing, the woman was amazing on top and even twerked – fucking awesome! We left the party not long after that still smelling like strawberry fucking lube!