One Night In Austria

Now if you thought the last bloody was too PG this one is definitely going to be NSFW because the night, I Spent in Austria was fucking mental! We left Germany on the bus at the terribly early time of 7.30am. My head felt like it had been skull fucked by a cactus, but my other head was pretty satisfied with last night’s events minus the intense itching JK. We were greeted in Hopfgarten by staff a Contiki owned Hostel, they were stoked to see us and informed us that they were putting on a party for at the hostel bar.

We started drinking pretty much as soon as we got there, I went down to do laundry but every dog and their fucking owner was there, so I thought fuck it and joined the crew in one of our rooms. We had some weed left from Amsterdam, so we smoked that, then one of the girls had brought some legal mock cocaine so we had that too, note to self don’t do synthetic shit again.

When I got down to the bar at 6pm I was bloody legless but the drinks were cheap, so I kept on going hard. Another Contiki group was there as well- If I wasn’t so drunk, I could’ve lined up a pretty juicy threesome apparently, but it was not to be as I lost them in my drunken haze or they steered clear of me, probably the later.

Now this part was I was sworn to secrecy as I could get someone fired so if you’re reading this keep it quiet, yeah?

So, I started chatting to one of the Contiki staff that worked there who so happened to be from New Zealand. As the party ragged on towards the early hours of the morning, we snuck back into the Contiki Staff quarters. We started shagging in her room, from what I remember it was great, I spelt the alphabet out with my tongue and then jumped on top and did my best impression of a drowning rat. Thrusting every part of my body around trying to impress this fellow kiwi. The next thing I remember is dreaming as if I was swimming at the local pools back home, what a great dream, a nice warm pool… I awoke to the realisation I defiantly was not at the local pools; I was in a pool of my own bloody piss. “oh fuck” I yelp as I start realising what had just happened, I turn over to see if the girl was also enjoying my pool party but no there was no sign of her. I quickly grab my urine-soaked clothes just in case she was coming back with a fucking axe and waddled my fat arse back to my room.

As I began the trip back to my room I couldn’t get out of the staff quarters, every fucking door was locked. I pulled and pulled on one door with all my might, my little willy n balls flopping around everywhere. “DUDE WTF?!” a fellow naked guy gasps as I fling the door open. Whoops thats a broom closet and thats a guy getting his dick wanked 😳. I try a few other doors stumbling into a room of used mattresses (Probably where the piss covered mattress will end up). Fuck me this place is locked up tighter than my arsehole, finally when all hope seemed lost I see a ausfahrt (exit) sign and navigate my naked self back to my room.

Thank god we were only staying there for a night! The next day we jump on the bus with everyone looking pretty worse for wear and take off for Italy 🇮🇹

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One Night In Germany

After smoking my body’s weight in weed, it was off to Germany we go! We jumped in on the bus at midday after the morning spent in a coffee shop, I mistakenly smoked the highest rated sativia weed Amsterdam had to offer that morning, so to say that drive to Germany wasn’t a buzz is an understatement.

We arrived in a small town in the Rhine Valley called Sankt Goar …. Or that’s what I think it was called. It was right on the Rhine River which was a bloody beautiful sight to behold. After a few jugs of Rhine’s finest beer our tour group went across the road to the night’s activity… wine tasting. Now I bloody hate wine, I could care less if I never had to sip another fucking pinot, sav or whatever they are called. After the 3rd or 4th glass of different wines I became I bit of a bloody connoisseur, swishing the wine around my mouth and describing what flavours I was tasting, fuck me I thought if only my rugby mates could see me now!

After the wine tasting was over a number of us staggered out feeling pretty legless but instead of calling it a night we continued drinking at the hotel bar. After a couple of beer’s, I got talking to one of the Aussie boys on the trip, he told me his cousin, who was also on the trip wanted a shag. He introduced us and the next thing I knew we were fucking. After a solid few minutes playing with the land down under, we started shagging. The sex was good, although at one stage I started getting that wine drunk sway on and arsed off the bed. But luckily, I came to my senses and finished like a bloody champ. When we were done, we went back down drinking at the bar like nothing happened, god bless traveling and god bless Australian cousins.

Next up Austria! wait until you find out what happens here

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One Night In Amsterdam

“thank you everyone for an awesome trip” that was my tour manager saying his final speech to us. It suddenly sunk in that I properly wouldn’t see a lot of these people ever again. While to be honest I am/was pretty happy to see the back of a number of these people there were a number that I got on with so well. Now lets back track and start at the beginning…

“European Discovery over to Matt” shouted one of the hot contiki staff. As i walked over my aniexty took over, I felt like saying fuck this trip i’m off home. But I walked my arse to the assembly area. I began scouting the talent for my trip, “hmmmm” i began to think “there is definitely a few options to pursue here.”

The contiki trip started, I made friends pretty easy, linking up with Kiwi’s one city over from where I live and also a tattooed canadian dude whom I clicked with instantly. First night was Amsterdam, all I can say bout Amsterdam is ‘fuck me I’m moving to Amsterdam’. How good is that?! Coffee shops with weed, strong weed, chillax weed, weed lolliops, weed brownies, weed ice cream and weed lubricant if ya little fella is missing out!

Now knowing me weed isn’t obviously the number one thing Amsterdam does well imo insert creepy smirking emoji here. The Red Light District! wow just WOW. Walking down the street in the district I began to notice that these beautiful women in the windows were sexy as fuck. My pre misconception was that they would be hideous. Well I’m here to tell you they were lush dot bloody com! One of the american dudes on our trip went into one and two minutes later he was done.. talk about a bloody quickie!

Now my favourite part on my night in Amsterdam was the live sex show! A group of us paid sixty euros each and that got us into this old dingy theatre. On the stage wasn’t a fucking Phantom of the Opera play no no no it was a new play called Dick in Vagina!!!!! The first act was a couple shagging on a rotating bed. starting off like a porno with foreplay and then finishing with ol mate giving her the jackhammer. We then enjoyed several other acts that included a lesbian act, another couple and then the infamous banana act🍌

Ok so what happened here was the girl picks three dudes from the audience. I couldn’t put my hand up any bloody higher but alas they pick three other lucky fuckers. So once on stage, the said girl chucks the banana slightly inside her and then peels the banana. The first guy got the first bite, he got up looking happy. The next guy got the next bite looking even more happy. Then came the third guy, there wasn’t much banana left so he had to go right in there. Once he manage to get a bit of the banana the girl whipped her legs around him and pushed his head into her vagina. Ol mate got up with both hands in the air and yelled “i’m the king of the world” yes you are you lucky bugger.

Well that was my first night in europe and lets just say I get up to a helluva lot of more mischief. More blogs to come!

Pregnant and Single

“aw look my babies kicking” that is probably the last bloody sentence you wanna hear when you’re shagging someone, but alas it just happened to me last night.

I decided to put myself back on the meat market (tinder) after a couple’ve month’s hiatus. Boom match boom match boom match, we were back and my ego was getting a good pat on the back. After talking to a few girls I asked for one drop dead gorgeous girls snapchat. Thats how it goes these days, tinder ~ snapchat ~ instagram ( skipable step) ~ Facebook (skipable step) ~ date.

We started snapchating last night, wasn’t long until tits and dicks where sent and that “come over” message was sent. As I began the long forty minute drive to Te Puke, she messaged me and told me she was 7 months pregnant. “I hope that doesn’t put you off” she began “I’m so horny, are you still coming?” Ofcoarse I was, who was I kidding, I’ve done some fucked things in my life, this doesn’t even scratch the surface.

When I arrived I realise she is more pregnant than I anticipated, she invites me in and gives me a beer. I end up helping her screw together a cot she had just purchased which I thought was pretty weird foreplay. It worked though because not long after the final screw was screwed in my flat head screw driver was in her… then came the dreaded line, whilst I was on top she said “aw look my babies kicking” in a mummy type voice. I mean like what the fuck am I suppose to say to that. I stopped and went “aw cute” I look up at her and she is staring me straight in the eye “keep fucking me” she says going back from mummy voice to saltry bloody seductress voice. We finish and she shows me the door pretty quick with the old chestnut of a line “my flatmate will be home soon, you should go”

And with that I am outta there, with my good deed of the week being done, I built a cot, made a pregnant chick happy and high fived a baby.. good times good times

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Middle Of Nowhere Date Recap

If you watch too much of something you get convinced real life is going to be like that. Well that’s exactly what happened to me last night. As I lay in bed trying to recount what exactly happened to me, all I can do is laugh…

I had been chatting to a girl on Tinder for a week or so, when she asked if I would like to meet up. I looked at how far away she was, about a two hour or so round trip. I agreed. This meant I could keep Twitter informed as my dating posts were live. 

Now, if you haven’t followed my live Twitter dating updates before shame on you! But, people seem to get a kick out of me updating everyone on how a date is progressing. 

So after an hour drive to the middle of nowhere, I finally came across her address. Her house looks like something out of one of ‘The Conjuring’ movies. The outside of the house was run down to fuck. I knocked on the door, and had convinced myself that the fucking Texas chainsaw dude was about to answer the door and saw my cock off. But to my surprise the girl I had been messaging answered the door. Fuck yes! She greeted me with a smile and welcomed me in.

There were no pubs where my date lived, so we drank at her place and then eventually went to her friends. We chatted about bullshit like cars, hunting and fishing which I had know idea about, but I was winging it and sprinkled bullshit on top made those conversations work. 

We got to her friends place just before 8pm, which I thought was pretty early, but not for her friend who had already polished off 10 x 7% cans of whiskey and cola. She was happy to see us. That happiness must’ve been a relief as she wanted us to play the drinking game, kings cup/circle of death/ four kings ….fuck….

At first her friend refused to let us play, telling us to take 4 shots of vodka so we would be on her level. We took the shots and the game was on! With some luck I got the rule card a couple of times. The first rule I made was pretty tame “if someone turns over a heart card you have to act out what your favourite thing to do in foreplay is. WOW! So I have never got my finger sucked before, but fuck me that was one lucky finger. The pressure was spot on and the technique was fucking lush. I wished it was something else feeling that pressure.


After all three of us were pretty sloshed, I decided to push my luck and make a saucy rule. “If either of you pick up a heart you have to kiss” I felt like a fucking horny 16 year old announcing this, minus the erection and with a pretty happy sucked off finger.

Well my date got a heart and they kissed. A peck? No, these middle of nowhere chicks were going hard. They were groping each other, their tongues getting lost in each others mouths. Well have no fear Mullie was there! I wanted the game to continue so I got in the middle of them. I honestly tried to remind them of the importance of the game at hand. “Fuck the game” the friend said as she knocked away the cards “give us that cock”

If there was an Olympic medal for getting naked I would have won it. Those two eager beavers commanded my clothes came off and that I gave them the D. Within seconds I was completely naked. They started giving me head and for the next 10 minutes we continued the foreplay. Eventually,  I decided it was time for my ‘lil boy’ to venture into a couple of blackholes. As I got it ready my date said “Lets do the swamp thing.” The fuck…? I thought as I laid there with a rock hard one.

They grabbed my hands and took me outside, for some reason I thought I was going to be sacrificed to the bloody middle of nowhere gods. But luckily that wasn’t the case. Those two horny girls just wanted to fuck outdoors. Most of us call it public sex, dogging or just simply sex outside, but not these girls. They had made my penis retreat into my body as they took me outside for some fucking swamp thing.

Luckily, a bit of mouth to mouth resuscitation woke ‘lil mate’ up and we fucked outside while the full moon beamed down on us. What a bloody great time to be alive. Now I wish I could sound like a blogging pimp and say we were out there shagging for fucking ages but no. Uncle Mulligan tired his best not to explode by thinking of his grandma in the middle of the fun but eventually I fucking exploded like firework in a letterbox.

We then went inside because who wants to cuddle outside. They continued drinking and I stopped in preparation to drive back early Sunday morning. I had a nap on the couch and as soon as my alarm went off I was greeted with morning sex.

 I bloody love the middle of nowhere!!!

Vegas Baby

I met with my Contiki group and we headed off for Vegas. Contiki, is a bus tour designed for people 18 – 35 year olds, which is great as ya don’t get any old fuck on the tour. As we hit the highway out of Los Angeles our bus and all the cars behind it were flagged down by police to stop. Two police cars had pulled over a car and the driver was refusing to stop. It didn’t take long for two police cars to become five and guns drawn. Luckily, our tour guide made light of it and played The Clash’s “I Fought The Law” song whilst this was going on.


In my previous blog, I moaned about the Los Angeles heat but as soon as we got into Las Vegas, the middle of the desert, the heat was fucking insane. I even found it hard to breath. As I tried to find the nearest casino to run into, to escape the heat I saw some fucking local with jeans on. FUCKING JEANS ON!

We checked into Westgate Resort & Casino, I have never seen anything like it. There was a tattoo studio in the place where we were staing, MERICA. We went out clubbing that night, like everything in America the clubs were huge. I hung out with one of the bro’s for most of the night drinking expensive drinks, high as a fucking kite. We met up with a few of the peeps on the trip and decided to head back to our resort.

 

As we were walking back one of the English girls kept dropping subtle hints about herself and her situation. “Single in Vegas” she said out loud which oblivoulsy got my attention. She the put her arm around me calling me fucking SAM? “Sam, I don’t have a roommate” she said to me – Sean. I played along with her “Oh you are lucky, I do and he is a bloody strange English dude” Eventually, I asked her “Am I coming back to your room?” and she said “If you want.” That night I showed her why Kiwis always come first whether it be at rugby or at sex, because I bloody eurpted in fucking minutes. Oh the shame.


The next day, involved a lot of legal weed, swims by the pool to nurse the hangover, deep fried pickles and a kick ass Cirque du Soleil show. God I love vegas.

American Tour Part 1 LA

What a bloody whirlwind of a trip, after taking a few months hiatus from blogging to work on my music, I’m back. 

Lets get back into it and boy oh boy do I have some juicy stories from the United States to share. I started my trip in Los Angeles with a direct flight from New Zealand, which was handy. Going through customs at LAX was a pretty nerve racking experience. Everyone had told me how hard the Americans are at letting people in but luckily for me I got the coolest dude who was into tattoos and was completely chill. “Welcome to America Sean, enjoy your stay” he said handing me back my passport. America, fuck yeah! 

As I got out of the airport, it was as if I had stepped into a sauna, I had never experienced that type of heat before. 40 something degrees, the type of heat where your balls instantly start sweating and your belly button develops its own pool of sweat. I immediately got an Uber and high tailed it to my motel, it was in the heart of down town LA. My hotel was called ‘Little Tokyo Hotel’ if you are ever thinking of staying in Los Angeles, DON’T STAY THERE! It had no fucking air conditioning! It was 40 degrees outside and 50 degrees inside! I got there late and had already paid, so I attempted to sleep. Well I now know what it feels like to have no sleep on a plane, no sleep in a filthy scum fuck motel, be dehydrated and have sweaty fucking balls.

The next day, I checked into the motel across the road making bloody sure they had air conditioning before booking in. After checking in, the first thing I did was have a shower…. joking, it was to jump on Tinder! I immediately matched with over 100 women. “Fuck me!” I thought, being in a bigger country is insane. I didn’t even have to do any grafting, one of the girls messaged me saying “OMG, I love accents” and before I knew it that girl was on top of me enjoying this Kiwi sausage! 

The next few days, consisted of a lot of sightseeing which I won’t bore you with. Although the main actress off of Orange Is The New Black nearly crashed into our Hollywood sightseeing buggy, which was pretty entertaining. I ended up shagging 3 girls whilst in Los Angeles, which was pretty good, considering I was only there for 4 days. Although I would’ve loved to make it 4 from 4. 

Next stop Las Vegas! Holy heck did I get up to some mischief in the City of Sin 😍

PS I Fucking Love Hooters 👌🏼👌🏼

I’m in love with a Stripper

After another failed attempt at getting into  relationship, I’m here to tell the tale and warn other dudes not to get too infatuated with a girl. There is a saying “never meet your hero” well mine now is “never try getting in a relationship with your favourite stripper” because that’s exactly what I did.

I meet Raven (her stage name) at the local strippers a month back, she was smoking hot, a little blonde bombshell. I immediately ordered a private dance off her. She seemed really down to earth and extremely flirtatious. I had the hots for her BADLY, coming back on the Friday and Saturday to the strippers, spending at least $800 on tips and dances off her; what a fucking idiot.

The following Thursday couldn’t come around fast enough, the strip club opened at 8 and I was first at the door eagerly awaiting to see my Raven. There was also two old farts in their mid 60’s waiting to get in. I asked who they were here to see, they both said almost simultaneously “Raven”. I felt so fucking jealous, “she’s minnnneeeee” I thought. All us three got let in at once, we must’ve looked like punters waiting to be let in to a store for a huge sale, all of us power walking/ jogging in to get the best deal. We all spotted Raven at the bar and made our way over to her. She hugged me then she hugged them, I was so oozing with jealously, “Can I buy you a drink?” I asked her.

One of the old guys said “Can I have a private lap dance, a 1 hour one?” he waved his rolled up 100 dollar bills at her just like in the movies. She grabbed him and away they went. He looked back at me and winked “MOTHER FUCKER!” I thought.

I waited and waited for her to come out, spending the bare minimum on the other strippers during their dances. She finally came out, I brought her a drink and we began to talk. I was trying to get it out of her if she was single or what but she kept going around in circles saying “Oh you should buy a private dance off me and maybe I will tell you” just trying to hustle me for money. I caved, buying a $350 six-song private dance off her, trying to talk to her the whole time. All she told me was that she was seeing someone but it wasn’t anything serious. “Wahoo! I thought there is a God!” I spent a grand that night, what a bloody mug.

The next couple of weeks I kept visiting the strippers, wasting hundred after a hundred on her. I caught up with my mate (whom I went to those swingers parties with last year) who told me Raven was engaged and was using the money she was making to help pay for her wedding. Well fuck me, I had just paid for pretty much the entire reception, I felt like a complete fool. I couldn’t even blame Raven, she was doing what she had to to make some coin.

I decided to stop going to the strippers and have resorted back to my old faithful Tinder. I would like to make a toast to new girls and new blogs, cheers!

Sleeping with a Gang Memebers Daughter

Ok if you think a girl’s hot but her Dad’s an active senior member of a gang DO NOT MESSAGE HER! I wish this could be the end of the blog and I could say that’s exactly what I did; but as I sit her typing this up I’m nursing two black eyes and a suspected broken nose.

Now to be fair, at the beginning when I began messaging this beautiful 20-something-year-old girl, I had no idea of her gang ties. As we got talking she mentioned her dad was in one of the local gangs. Umm what the fuck do I say to that? Well I say like any dork would, “Oh he must have a sweet motorbike.”

I should’ve left it at that, said have a nice life and fucking RUN but no I continued to flirt with her and eventually organised to meet her.

I drove over to her house to pick her up, I didn’t know she lived with her parents but when I pulled up a Harley was parked in the drive way “Here x” I texted her. “Umm this is awk but dad wants to meet you, can you come say hi xxx?” was her reply. Fuck I thought. I nervously approach the door and am met by this huge mammoth of a man. “Hi there mate, here to pick Ashley up” I stammer, I extend my hand to shake his, he doesn’t shake mine, instead he looks around and says in a deep booming voice “Ashley your boy’s here.”

We go for dinner at a local restaurant which was nice, Ashley seemed pretty straight up, honest and quite frankly fairly rude which was a bit intimidating to me as I’m used to shy girls who open up after a couple of drinks. Not Ashley. She was loud and rude to the waitress. When our dinner turned up she grunted, looked at the waitress and said “about time.”

After dinner I should’ve made an excuse that something had come up and dropped her home but no. Thinking with my other head I invite her back to mine and we shag. The sex was good but definitely not worth what was yet to come.

Knowing pretty much from the get-go that I couldn’t see myself in a relationship with Ashley, the days following that night I completely blanked her, ignoring her messages, not opening her snaps, just being complete dickhead. Well this must’ve really pissed Ashley off because on Monday as I got back from my run I noticed a Harley motorbike parked outside my house. Thinking it might be my petrol head neighbour’s friend I carry on walking up the drive. FUCK! As I get up my drive I see what looks like the grim fucking reaper, it’s Ashley’s dad!

“Ashley tells me you are being a fuck cunt to her” he barks at me as he walks over to me. Before I can even get two words out, he punches me in the guts instantly winding me then punches me in the nose making it explode with blood “You be nice to my baby girl, if I hear you aren’t I will be back for another chat” he says as he walks off.

After profusely apologising to Ashley, she must’ve got wind that her dad didn’t actually just have a word with me as she says sorry and asks if we can be just friends. Well fuck me that is fine with me. One thing I learned from this scary experience is don’t be a dirtbag and blank a chick after you have slept with her, her dad might be a bloody gang member.

THE WORST WEEKEND OF MY SEX LIFE EVERRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!

You think you had a bad weekend as it pertains to sex? Believe you me; mine was 10 times worse! With just the shit that went down last Friday night I was going to put pen to paper and write up a blog called ‘A Bad Weekend’, but then Saturday night came and went and I’m changing the title to THE WORST WEEKEND OF MY SEX LIFE EVERRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!
It all started on the Friday. I had been messaging a Tinder girl from Tauranga for a while. We had already gone on two dates and she had a three-date minimum before sex – which was fine, totally respectable and commendable. So I called over to her place after I had finished work with a bottle of honey whiskey. She’d already started drinking a couple of hours before and urged me to catch up. Not only did I catch up, I bloody overtook her shot-ing most of my 1 litre of whiskey I had brought. We started kissing on her sofa, I remember popping a Viagra and sneakily putting my shiny new cock ring I had brought on. Then the whiskey hit me like a freight train and I passed out.
I woke up/came too with her on top of me, with me inside her but I could hear a guy’s voice. “WTF” I thought as no guy had been at her place beforehand. I look up and while she was riding me she was sucking off a random guy. I admittedly panicked and told her to get off and that I wasn’t comfortable with this. To say she hit the roof was an understatement! “WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!!” she began “WHY ARE YOU BEING SO WEIRD THIS!” Hmmm maybe because I had no clue as to what was going on? She stormed out of her room and random guy walked out to console her. I went to the toilet and as they were outside still having a smoke, I went back to sleep. I woke up in the morning in her bed with no-one else, I walked out to the lounge to see him and her cuddled on the sofa. I picked up my shoes and got the fuck outta there, still trying to figure out what the fuck had happened.
Saturday didn’t start for me until about 3pm when I stumbled out of bed, hopped into the car and took off to Hamilton. I met up with the girl whom I shagged on New Year’s at her place. We had been talking since New Year and were going to go to town clubbing on Saturday. We started drinking and she decides to bust out the Jager and here we go, another slippery slope for Mr Mulligan. She ordered a taxi and fuck me I can’t find my wallet, we look everywhere for it even ripping my car apart but to no avail. She still wants to go to town so she puts me to bed in her bed and whispers “I’ll be back to have some fun” I smile and pass out.
“Sean? Sean? Sean!!!!!!!” she yells at me shaking me. I wake up and start to grin, for the fun to come I thought. But I look up at her and notice a big buff Maori bloke behind her. Fuck me I thought, not another repeat of Friday night’s debauchery. It’s even fucking worse, “Um hi” she begins nicely. “Can you go sleep on the sofa please?” she asks. She has brought back a fucking shag!!!!!!!! Feeling defeated and dejected I go lie on her sofa and try to drift back to sleep but not before I hear this girl that I actually liked moaning as this dude rooted her. WORST WEEKEND OF MY LIFE DOT COM.