Thought I would tell the moral of this date before I even begin recapping it; if your mates have an idea don’t agree to it if you have been drinking! Was out having a few beers with the boys when we began chatting about my dates I have been on. Tim who was up from Napier then came up with the bright idea of going to the brothel and tweeting about it. My other friend chimed in by saying “call it the Brothel Date.” Not too keen on this idea I decided to tweet it out to see what people thought.
So it was decided that I was going to visit the local brothel tonight, but first it was time to get drunk. My mates being excited about the news I was going through with it ordered a round of tequila shots followed by jager bombs. Time seemed to go super fast because before I knew it we were jumping in a taxi and heading to the Brothel.
We jumped out of the taxi and headed up, intrigued to know what these escorts actually looked like my mates came up with me. We were greeted by a middle aged woman on the reception desk “welcome to maiden heaven” she barked in a tobacco abused voice, pointing to the board which had all the different options on she asked us what we were after.
Looking at the menu my first thought was “fuck this is a pretty tame menu compared to what I have seen in Auckland.” I admit, and a lot of you long time readers of my blog know that this isn’t my first time at a brothel and ones in the notorious K road in Auckland have everything from ball licking to bloody rim jobs. Nothing of the sort here, just a plain old bonk for how ever long was desired. I asked tobacco voice if they could do me a deal for 15 minutes but that was met with a definite no pointing back to the smorgasbord “that’s all we do” she barked again. 30 fucking minutes it was then, I paid by eftpos which then brought me to my next question, where the fuck are the girls? Asking this rough woman at the desk she informed me they both were currently with clients and shouldn’t be too long. Me and my mates began waiting in the lounge there for the girls to finish rooting their current clients.
It wasn’t long before both girls and there clients came staggering out. Looking at these two creatures I was hoping for better, A LOT better but the money was spent so it was time to pitch a tent. One was apparently 24 and the other was 36, well the 36 year old sounded and bloody looked like a younger version of tobacco voice so that was a no go which left this 24 year old. She had brown hair, was pretty plump and had tits that fucking looked like two footy socks that had been slightly filled with sand.
She leads me into a room that has a shower off to the side of it which smelt like a mixture of rotten eggs and fish, now to clarify it wasn’t a really strong smell just a subtle pong. She told me that I needed to have a shower as per company policy which was weird because I could of sworn she hadn’t showered since her last client. As I got out of the shower I strolled out to find her sprawled out on the bed, she put a condom on me then told me which positions she would do – which was fucking limited “you on top, me on top” she informed me, not even doggy style!?!
I decided to go on top, which started off ok until she decided to make fake moaning noises. So bad that even a low budget porn director would tell her to fucking stop! Now add in some terrible and I mean TERRIBLE dirty talk, shit like “oh you’re a big boy” and “wow this is so good” and now you have the worst 30 minutes of my life. It was so bad that I even fake came just to get this shit over and done with. As I pulled my penis out I gave it a quick sniff and it smelt like 3 day old KFC that had been left in a hot car, “I might have another shower if that’s ok” I told her wanting to get this stench off me as fast as I could. After that I rounded up my mates who seemed to be having a good old time with the two tobacco voiced ladies and we got the hell out of there. Well that was hopefully the last time I go to a brothel in the near future because that has put me right off, until next time have a great week I’m headed to the sex clinic 😦