Ever had to pick dried vomit out of your hair? No? Me neither until waking up from drinking excessively on Sunday. Now usually I remember what I have been up to whilst drinking, hell I usually write notes on my phone when I’m going for a piss throughout the night to make my blog as accurate as possible. But this last Saturday night I got lit up majorly. I found a picture of me hugging some random that I have no recollection of being taken, what’s more bizarre is where the fuck did I get the shirt from?! I was wearing a completely different one during my date and I sure as heck didn’t go home to get changed. Was I abducted by aliens? Sounds farfetched but my asshole was bloody sore the next morning and I know aliens are inclined to anal probe their victims hmmmm. Anyway enough with all that shite and back to recapping my date and sharing with you what happened/what I can remember about the rest of the night.
Being that it was a hot ass day on Saturday I had been having a few quiet ones at home. After sinking half a dozen, I realized that I better not drive so my date agreed to pick me up
When she pulled up I had just been looking over her Tinder profile, yes another one I have met off there. She got out of the car and I thought to myself “fuck is that a mini van getting out of the car?” she was fucking huge compared to her photos. I was in a merry state from the beers so instead of not going on the date I thought bugger it lets go.
After the usual ‘first meeting someone’ chit chat she announces she is craving a mcflurry ice cream as we are almost past the McDonald’s entrance. She jams on the breaks and almost spins the car out trying to get into the drive through, for fuck sake, who does this on the first date? Especially only ten minutes into it.
We finally get to the restaurant after she gobbles downs her ice cream, I spot a sweet deal on the new export beer – 4 for $20 I get them and we put our order in for dinner. Our gourmet burgers turn up which look great, I tuck into mine and look up to see her sifting through hers. I pick up my phone and take a snap, she is chucking out everything except the egg and the pattie. “What the heck are you doing” I say half joking. “I hate vegetables” she replies. Well fuck me I’m not the biggest fan on certain veges but by Christ she has made a mess, leave it on your plate bro.
She insists we get dessert even though she already slayed a fucking ice cream before hand, I asked her if we could share one which is usually a super cute thing I do with a date. She looks sad and agrees we could, we get a chocolate brownie and she goes to town on it. For every one mouthful I have, she has two scoffing it down.
I finish off my last beer and we head off to the nearby pub, at this stage she looks better than she did at the start of the night, beer goggles obviously in full effect now. We grab a drink and set ourselves up on a table by the bar.
After finishing our first drink we head to the bar for another one and I suggest a shot of vodka which she shakes her head at, fuck it two for me then. We head up stairs to the top story to have a drink on the balcony and that’s when I spot her, the fucking rude bitch from the first date I live tweeted (if you have forgotten her here is the link to her date https://tattooedmulligan.com/2015/10/11/live-tweeting-my-date-recap/ ). I have a laugh to myself as she is with a couple of needle dick looking drop kicks and a equally as geeky girl. Wondering if the geek girl was Becca whos texts I read on the last date, ignoring my date and began eavesdropping into there convo. “You want another drink Becca?” one of the nerds said, BOOM! It was the bitch, they hadn’t spotted me so I continued to watch them.
Now here’s when it got a bit hazy as I can’t figure out a few things/place them in order. I remember my date getting fed up with me and leaving and the “I have a sore tummy” excuse. I looked back on my twitter and saw that my last tweet was me chatting to some Canadians, well those bastards flushed another $50 down the drain of mine in the form of tequila shots. The next thing I remember is drunkenly walking up to Becca and saying something along the lines of “fuck you geek” not my finest insult ever. After the insult I remember walking out of the bar and into another one and from there on in I can’t place myself anywhere apart from a club over the bridge in Tauranga from a photo. I must say I became semi aware of my surrounding when I chucked my guts out right on the water front next to a car of two young love birds trying to enjoy a quick shag, soz. While I remember throwing up I don’t recall dipping my bloody hair into the vomit, fuck my life! Well that’s it from my date next time I will make sure my drunk self keeps notes.