Well thank god this weekends over! Last weekend I came up with the bright bloody idea to go on three dates over the weekend, not only that but I was going to live tweet them. Well 2 out of 3 of them went great but jesus christ yesterdays one made me feel like never dating again; or at least for a long time. Talk about the moodiest moaner I have ever met! Anyway this is a recap blog so I shall go back to the beginning of this weekend of dates.
First off it was a local 25 year old off Tinder, she had just moved up to Tauranga from Grey Mouth in the South Island and was looking to meet some of the local talent. Look no further love, you have found the cream of the crop! So after chatting over text for about a week we organise to meet at a nice bar in Papamoa on Friday. So after a few beers at home after work I ring my local taxi driver, who has grown quite fond of hearing of my tales of what girl I’m going to see next. When I get to the bar she is already there, I greet her with a ‘how you doin?’ and in return she greets me with a smile and that’s when I see it, a bloody gap in her two front teeth that I could fit my penis in between. No wonder she didn’t smile with her teeth on her Tinder pics. Anyway we have a couple of drinks and start chatting about life, differences between here and Grey Mouth the usual chit chat. I then say something funny that makes her laugh but along with a really loud laugh comes a LOUD fucking snort. Just passing it off as an accident we carry on drinking and chatting, I go grab us another round of drinks and come back to the table. Now I can’t remember what I said next to make her laugh but I do remember having a mouthful of beer. She snorts again louder than the last, I spit my beer everywhere including on her dress. Now thinking “oh fuck she’s going to be annoyed” I start to say “oh my god I’m sorr…..” but she cuts me off bursting out laughing and snorting uncontrollably!
After drinking at least a dozen or so at the bar I ask her If she would like to come back to mine to watch a movie – the usual line that seems to get them to come home. She says yes and with a laugh and a snort we head back to mine. Not even interested in watching a movie she asks for a tour of my house, and before I can even say “this is my bedroom” she has whipped my pants off and we are playing hide the sausage. The sex is great but the only thing I could say she needed to work on was her moves on top. She was in cow girl and decided she wanted to do reverse cow girl and without thinking she spun her legs around kicking me in the bloody head in the process, with a laugh and a snort we carried on shagging. We finally go to sleep at around 1am but its not long before I awaken to hear what seems like a fucking dying zombie only to realise this snorter is a bloody snorer as well, great!
After a restless night, I sleep most of Saturday apart from waking up for a wank and a slice of toast at around 2pm. 5pm comes by fast and its now time to kick on with date number 2, a 20 year old off NZ Dating who has invited me around for dinner. When I get to her house this poor chick is running around in the kitchen like a headless chicken. I offer to help but she insists she has everything under control, she shows me to her fridge where she has brought me a box of beer, what a top chick!
For a chick that’s only 20 she make a solid dinner and desert, so far this girl was bloody perfect! We have a few shots and drinks, she goes on to tell me how promiscuous she is and how she loves meeting guys online. I go on to warn her how it can be pretty dodgy and she should be careful, but being 20 she thinks she has the world fucking all worked out so I stop. She asks straight out if I want to have sex before we go to town ‘um yeah sure’ I say trying to play the cool card. She leads me to her bedroom, or should I say shrine to fucking One Direction! I couldn’t even see the walls, all four were completely covered in one direction posters. She turns her cd player on and we start getting busy . For the next 5 mintues or so I’m having sex with this girl that’s clearly a Directioner, banging away while Harry Fucking Styles bellows out the chorus of fucking History.
^^^^^^^Probably my favourite tweet of the weekend, not long after that we head to town. We dance and drink for a couple of hours with nothing really exciting happening. The only thing that sticks out about going to town was she lost her mind when a one direction song came on, like almost started crying! We say our goodbyes to each other around 2am as I live on the other side of Tauranga, so it only made sense to go home separately. Plus I needed a good night sleep thanks to the snorer the night before.
The next afternoon It was time to meet date number 3; a 29 year old off of Facebook who was one of my flatmates friends who had added me a while ago. We decided to meet at my place and go from there. Once she got to mine the first thing she said was “oh god what are you wearing” I could tell this was going to be a shite date already. Not wanting to do anything but go for a stroll on the beach she makes me get changed and off we go for a bloody walk on the beach. She continues to moan telling me her whole life story only stopping to moan that I’m not holding her fucking hand.
Trying to break the mood I jokingly suggest we go shag on the sand dunes, big mistake. This fires her up to moan even more! I wanted to cut this date off before it started but when she suggested we continue this date at McCafe, yes your reading that correctly Mc fucking Café, I knew it was time to gap it.
Well that’s my three dates, summing it up 2 out of the 3 dates where great and I’m hopefully seeing those two girls again. As for number three well she woke up this morning being unfriended by me, someone that makes me get changed and moans about fucking everything is not the one for me.