Mulligans Brothel Adventures

Back in the day as a naive eighteen-year-old, going to a brothel seemed like a scary idea when my mate brought it up. Fast forward nearly ten years later the idea of visiting a brothel seems as normal as buying a loaf of bread. Yes, I have been to brothels numerous times and I will most probably stumble into one again. Looking back on my first time at one my two mates had the time of their lives. We had saved all our money working part time jobs while going to school and come the end of the year we were off to Sydney Australia for a boy’s holiday. We headed out on our first night in Australia to Kings Cross, a notorious part of Sydney made famous on the television show ‘Underbelly’. We went night clubbing in a club called ‘Candy’s Apartment’, it was pumping. Hanz was the first to hook up with someone followed closely by me. Tim was far too drunk; he had continued drinking all his duty free spirits after we had got off the plane. We ended up in Porky’s Nite Spot. Porky’s is part of the seedy side of Kings Cross and is famous for being one of those classic sleazy neon-lit strip clubs where bouncers were constantly throwing horny punters out for being too rough with the dancers. We sat in complete shock, there were boobs everywhere. Being young we got hustled for our money pretty good by the strippers. Tim went all out tipping them, getting a private lap dance. He was completely in his element. Eventually we all got so worked up we had no choice but to go visit the local brothel. I couldn’t bring myself to pay for sex so I stayed in the waiting room (these days I would be getting amongst it!!). Tim and Hanz wanted the same girl so they decided to pay a bit extra to have a threesome with her, which is something that doesn’t seem to be allowed at brothels I have visited here in New Zealand. I waited for half an hour for them to finally reappear, Tim smiling from ear to ear and Hanz couldn’t stop laughing. I asked him what was so funny and he told me after he was done Tim went down on the prostitute! I don’t go down on one nighters let alone prostitutes! To make this even more funny they were the last two clients of her busy shift. Poor old Tim had licked a snatch that had been entered by least a dozen guys in the past couple of hours and by our mate Hanz just before him! Safe to say when Tim realized this afterwards he suddenly become very, very sick.

Over the next nearly ten years since that time I have visited numerous brothels. Buying rugby boys a blow job from Hamilton’s Calendar Girls for their 21st birthdays became a normal thing. I knew the owner pretty well and he would shout me a few beers while I waited for the lad to get his cream donut. One time while being in Hawkes Bay after not scoring a girl in Havlock North, I decided to wander into a brothel in Hastings. If you know Hastings you would know that this was a big fucking mistake already. The only girl working was a 50 something year old fat bean bag. After wheeling and dealing I managed to get her down to $40 for twenty minutes. After making me shower I come out to this fucking walrus sprawled on the bed “how do you want me big boy” she said attempting to put on a sexy voice. “ummmmm I like doggystyle” I said. She put a condom on me with her month, an awesome trick if ya teeth aren’t bloody yellow. So there I was thrusting away on this fucking thing that was older than my mum when I realized my condom had slipped off, not thinking too much about it I finished up and was on my merry way. The following day going for a pee felt like fucking razor blades, that’s when I remembered the condom falling off. Eventually getting tested the following Tuesday and getting the dreaded results back on Friday. The doctor confirmed that I had contracted gonorrhoea, the worst sounding fucking sexually transmitted infection ever thought of. Luckily with the right medicine I got it rid of it in no time to the biggest relief of my life to date…. well until I contracted chlamydia but that’s a whole different story!

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