Another Weekend Another Tale

If you had told my 17 year old self that I would be shagging triple the amount of girls off of online dating apps instead of clubbing in town, I would have laughed in your face and told you that was flat out bloody creepy. Roll on ten years later and I only find myself going out once a week at the most with the dating app tinder using up the rest of my time. This last weekend I left town for a girl off of tinder.

I left Tauranga for Hamilton on Saturday, heading straight to my old local super liquor in Hamilton East, picking up a 12 pack of shots and a box of beers. I was staying at my mate Scotty’s place and within 5 minutes of being there we had already downed two beers and a shot. I knew we were in for a messy night when Scotty punched a hole in his wall, but instead of thinking ‘lets stay in tonight and watch the footy’ we decided to head to town.

It wasn’t long until every second club started denying us entry because of our intoxication levels. I decided to jump on tinder sitting outside a club trying to sober up a little. In my drunken state I did a mass swipe right, liking anything and anyone, it could have been a fucking goat with a profile and I would have liked it. It wasn’t long until I had some likes back with messages such as “Hi there, what’s your plans tonight”, these Hamilton girls don’t fuck about. I arranged to get picked up by an apparent nurse who was just finishing a 12 hour shift and needed some loving. I broke the news to my mate that he was on his own and I got picked up by this female stranger who I had only messaged a dozen times. We went back to her place which was on the outskirts of Hamilton, I couldn’t help thinking I was on my way to be murdered. After some good sexual chatter in the car we got to her place around half two and immediately got down to business. This wasn’t this 30 something year olds first rodeo, scratching the shit out of my back while telling me to “fuck me harder cowboy” (do I look like a cowboy?) she jumped on top and went hell for leather, I felt as if my willy was going to snap. Anyway it lasted a whooping 15 minutes, which is pretty good for me. After it was done she gave me a ride home to my mates, even going through the McDonalds drive through buying me a LARGE combo – fucking awesome!

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