Sex, Mugs and Sausage Rolls

Hey guys I’m doing something a wee bit different on this weeks blog, for the first time ever I have recruited a guest to write this blog with me and what a bloody great guest it is! 2014 Big Brother UK winner, Daily Star Columnist, Salon Owner and probably the most straight up person to ever be on reality telly . . . Helen Wood!!!

Firstly here is my story of probably the weirdest night out in Hamilton New Zealand I have ever had, Enjoy!

Ever staggered into a food outlet in the wee hours of the morning on the way home from a night out on the booze? I think we all have, in fact for a lot of us its a drunken tradition. Whether it be a kebab, big mac, pizza or even a sausage roll nothing beats a bit of greasy food to line the stomach with before the forth coming hangover hits.

For me and the lads here in Hamilton New Zealand we go to a place called the Bake Shack. Now this place has everything you could ever want; Kebabs, burgers, pies, cheesecakes, sushi, chips, fucking yogurts and even a gluten free section for the fussy tossers amongst us. Now to be brutally honest I only go to the Bake Shack if I can’t find a shag in town, which is not very often (not being smug but if you have partied in Hamilton before you will know that its pretty easy to get laid). This one time after drinking far to many two for $5 vodka pre mixers I was in no state to try and attract a women in the club,  so cutting the night short I ditched my mates and headed to the Bake Shack. Looking at all the wonderful possibilities I settled on a sausage roll with lashings of tomato sauce. Now usually sober me would be too embarrassed to sit by myself but intoxicated me couldn’t care less. So there I was happily eating my sausage roll when I hear a voice on the left of me “awwww whats a hottie like you doing sitting by yourself? Do you mind if I join you?”. It was a reasonably attractive drunk girl! I smiled and insisted she sit down with her pie and coke. She started telling me her whole life story leading up to how her boyfriend ditched her in town blah blah blah. Getting bored with her drunken rambles I started playing footies with her. Upon feeling my foot sliding up and down hers she smiled, stopped talking, grabbed my foot, took my shoe off and shoved it between her legs! So here I was toe blasting this chick and she’s poker faced the whole thing, continuing to eat her fucking pie. At one point she lifted her arse off the seat thrusting my big toe in even deeper, this was some fucked up shit. As she finished up her pie she got up and said “that was nice” smiled and walked out, leaving me with a soaked foot. Not knowing or really caring if anyone had seen what had happened I put my shoe back on and stumbled home. Just another weird night in Hamilton, New Zealand.

Last but not least is Helen’s story on something really seedy that happens in the UK that I knew nothing about but now I wanna know more!

Helen – So, how familiar are you with the activity ‘dogging’ those that aren’t upto speed on what it is, I swear no animals are hurt in the process, not the 4 legged kinda dog anyway.

Here in glorious England, where we all apparently sit around & drink tea, eat biscuits & moan about the pissin down rain, we have a certain erm, how do I put this? Activity, that various types of people take part in, called ‘Dogging’

Out in the burbs where it’s quiet, old folk young folk fat folk skinny folk, whoever, drive to remote car parks, park up & wait like a lion about to pounce on another pussy LITERALLY. Cars sit around with their headlights facing all one another, any couple or single Pringle getting a bit of a twitch about the other doggers, flashes their lights. Cut a long story short, let’s get down to the dirty part, one couple gets out, joins the other in the car, or for an even better view, over the bonnet they begin to bump n grind, bizarre Ey? Ps I haven’t participated, although back in my youth I went for a “drive” with a guy Id been kinda seeing, he was the geek type, so there was no way he new this was a doggin spot, shitting a brick, we pull up and I was more embarrassed about saying I knew what kinda shit went on there, anyway, the van opposite flashes, Mr Geek gets scared, we drive off and get chased off this Herbert the pervert, clearly not used to getting knocked back lol. This didn’t stop me and my equally immature mates going up to these places, it became such a buzz watching people bang away on bonnets.
One of my fav memories was pulling up in the dark, winding this guy up pretending to give him the come on, it was only our mates fuckin father, turns out his wife no longer shagged him since he had a prosthetic leg so he turned to smoking pot on the moors whilst hoping for a jump.
Our most sickening encounter was a haulage truck pulled up, we Gave him a flash, not that kinda flash you mucky lot, anyway looking closer, Mr twenty stone Stan and his bad ass tatts, his name was tattooed mulligan lol, jokes, anyway this big guy was getting jiggy with a blowup doll, not just missionary, oh no, backwards cowgirl style, giving her the full on wam bam Thankyou mam. Obviously in fits of laughter at not only the blowup doll, but the fact he continued to pound polly until he’d fully burped the worm.
Wow, if ever I’m feeling a little frustrated & peed off because my friends are getting more than me, which is 99.9% of the time (how the tables have turned) I just need to think, at least I’ve never felt that horny where I need to buy a boy & blow him to get hard, literally. A well equipped toy box will do for now.
Hels Bels xxx

Well that’s it from us, a big thank you to Helen for her story, if I ever come to the UK I hope she takes me out for a bit of a dogging to watch. For more great reads by Helen check her column out at she posts a new one every Monday and they are bloody on point! 

Thanks for reading!

– Tattooed Mulligan

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