Floppy Joe

Well what a shockingly embarrassing type of weekend I have just had. I got two perfect opportunities to get with two different (fairly) attractive chicks but for reasons which I will explain; I completely cocked it up!
I think I put a hex on myself because before the weekend had even started, I tweeted the magic eight ball asking it ‘If I am going to get lucky this weekend’ and its wise response was ‘this is an easy one to answer, no way’. Fuck my life! Way to boost a guys confidence Mr. Eightball. Not letting that deter me I cracked on. Before heading out on Friday I had my pre going-out wank, in the hopes that if I slept with a girl it would build my stamina; making the sex last longer if it happened. It’s all about strategy. 😉 

On Friday I met up with a 38 year old I had been talking to on tinder, she immediately gave me a hug and sniffed my neck, “Hugo Boss? yummy” she giggled. I could tell this chick was already pretty lit, I needed to catch up. While she was in the toilet I brought a line of tequila and necked back 4 of them just in time for her to come out of the toilet. “I brought us a shot each” I said trying not to hurl up the last four I had just downed. “Oh you’re so lovely, come here” she smiled, and thats all it took we were making out in the middle of this half empty bar. The poor bartender looked sickened shaking his head as he collected my empty shot glasses. It wasn’t long till she asked if I would like to come back to her apartment and off we went. Things got hot and heavy as soon as we got there, she threw me on the bed and proceeded to do a drunk strip show. Now by this stage you would think I would be rocking a tent pole, but no such fucking luck. I begin slapping it around as if to wake it up ‘come on lil buddy!’ I thought. Still nothing. She crept on top of me “ughh I can’t get it up” I say with a sigh. “Don’t worry, I will” she said with a smile. She put it in her mouth and usually by this stage my small breakfast sausage would evolve into a freaking frankfurter but no, nothing happened. Fuck sakes! She even tried a cheeky finger in the bum (her idea not mine) but to no avail. This droopy penis was fast asleep. I counted my loses and called it a night.

Roll on Saturday night and it was all on again, after cutting some shapes on the dance floor I bumped into an old friend at the bar. She had won a $250 bar tab and was struggling to get through it. She begged me to help her, I happily obliged. We head back to my place at about 3am, we were kissing in the taxi and all I could think of was if my lil buddy would stand to attention for me tonight. We got out of the taxi just in time for me to chunder everywhere, I was wasted. We staggered into my bed and began trying to get it on. Now, picture trying to play a game of pool with a fucking rope, it just doesn’t work!! Fuckkkkkk.

What a shitty shit shit weekend that was. This coming weekend there will definitely be no pre going-out wanks….or huge bar tabs to go through. Lessons learnt 😞   

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