How do you know when you have had enough to drink in a night? Throwing up? Passing out? Getting breath tested? These are the common ways that normal people would know when enough is enough. Fortunately for you readers I’m not a normal guy, as much as I make out I am. I get myself into some fucked up situations.
I hate going into town when it’s one of those nights that every girl just seems uninterested, my ego takes a hammering and I just feel like going home to have a cry-wank combo. That was until I become a gold member on an NZ Dating website. I couldn’t help it, I love sex. I would go onto the website, change the preferences to Sexual meetings and just go for it. So this time when town was sucking I went to the toilet in The Outback night club in Hamilton, closed the door and sat in the toilet making it my sex office while I prepared to arrange a booty call. At this stage on a Saturday night the NZ dating site was thriving with traffic with all the solo mums on it looking for a chat, or in a lot of cases, a quick shag. I found one girl that was online but I didn’t have enough battery on my phone to exchange pleasantries so I immediately asked her if she wanted a shag. For a girl that’s 25 with the username HotWetANDReady it took a bloody lot of convincing to meet up! Finally she caved after I sent her a penis picture, I told her where I was and she promised to come pick me up.
At this stage my mood had perked up, as I walked out of the toilet I bumped into my mates whom were partaking in a yardy competition. I had to get involved! We went outside of the club where it had become a bit of a spectacle. They gave me a huge yard glass full of beer mixed with straight vodka. I smashed it; we continued to drink for what seemed an hour. Shit, I had completely forgotten about the NZ dating girl, I checked my phone and luckily she had just pulled up an was waiting.
I staggered out to her, completely out of it. Looking back I don’t know why she let me in her car, I must of looked like a complete write off but she did and after an awkward hello we headed back to her place. It was all a big blur from here, I remember her asking me if I had a condom which I didn’t and neither did she, which mustn’t have mattered because we got straight into having sex. I remember attempting doggy style but I couldn’t hold myself up I was far too drunk. So I just lay there and let her go for it. By this point all that alcohol I had downed from the yardy had made its way down into my bladder. She was still on top of me and suddenly I thought I was going to cum “I’m not sure if I’m gonna cum or piss” I said, She said “what’s that?” TOO LATE it’s piss!!! I began relieving myself right there inside her. She quickly realised that’s too much fluid to be cum, “WHAT THE FUCK!” she screamed as she got off me but I couldn’t stop. Urine continued to come out everywhere all over the bed. “Oh my god, I’m so sorry I don’t know what’s happening” I say. “GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!” She screams. I quickly grab my clothes, not even putting my pants on and I take off. I had no idea what suburb I was in so I staggered to the end of the street to see what the street sign said. Luckily I was only one suburb away from where I was living. I woke up to about 20 messages from her in pure rage threatening to get her brother onto me or what not; I can’t blame her that was so disgusting of me. I had already said sorry to her so I just text back “does your brother want to get pissed in too!!?”
And that’s when I knew I had enough to drink; I relived myself in someone. Safe to say I haven’t had a yardy since.
That’s it from me till next Monday, hope you all enjoyed it. Remember, Play hard and shag harder!!
Ps Buy a Tattooed Mulligan T shirt 😉 http://www.prowrestlingtees.com/related/tatooed-opinion-1/tattooed-for-love.html